Waiting Room Blues

This is unfinished. I typed this out on my phone while I was sitting in a clinic waiting room earlier today. Every now and then, I find myself sitting somewhere, feeling overwhelmed about life, and I type it out. I decided to share this one because I haven't been so emotionally conflicted in a long time. The last few weeks have been such a roller coaster ride. Every time I thought I had it in control, I didnt. Anyhoo, here are my cut and pasted thoughts, spelling and grammatically incorrect and all:

"I feel so lost right now. Its an all too familiar feeling and it hasn't gotten old yet. It still hurts. I feel like a failure...I feel violated, foolishly impulsive and even a little speechless. I want things to go back. I want things to be better. I want it all to go away. I want to not be the victim and I want to not make somebody else the villain...and vice versa.

I shouldnt have written that fucking email.

I want to be happy and make you happy too.

I have plenty of issues and will never be perfect, so I dont expect you to meet an unfair standard. I understand that you have to take the good with the bad...Im still trying to figure that out actually. How much bad can I accept? Does the good outweigh the bad? Am I being foolishly impulsive again? So many things I dont know how to answer.

The very few things that I do know are that I am ridiculously in love with you and...I have had such great times with you in the last 5 months. Im sorry for many things, known and unknown. Im also not sorry for many things as well. This is literally the lowest and highest part of my adult life. I know I have put you through the ringer, but these are the cards that have been dealt to me and I am doing all that I can do. I would like to say you deserve better, but I know regardless of my living situation, I am very valuable. I know my worth.

but of course I want you to be here for my rebound. That, I know, you deserve.

I haven't cried about this and I dont want to. I just want to figure it all out and progress.

Its just so hard when it doesnt come easy."

Photo's in WIlliamsburg

Harvey and I walked around Williamsburg and went to town with the camera. Here are the pics he took of me. I will post his pics as soon as he picks his favorites.

Old Header.

This is the first official header I designed for this blog (in 2008). I created it in my red room, in Boston. Hence it being called "The Red Room." I live in Brooklyn now and decided I would change the name of my blog and incorporate my commute to the city and back, on this new header. Behind me, is the Williamsburg Bridge, where the JMZ train travels on.

It was on that bridge, as I looked at Manhattan while the train was pulling into Essex/Delancey, that I realized that I was now living in NYC. It was what my friend Ryan, would call an "Oh shit moment." A year and a half later, I am still here, still trying to get my hustle on and still loving this incredible city. This view of the bridge is also where my love brought me during a very cold day in December.

Shout out to Harvey for taking the pics of me literally jumping around Bedford Ave.