The World Keeps Turning

Since moving to NYC, I have been desperately trying to find myself through many channels.  Art, photography, frequenting different social circles, severe networking (not that desperate clingy shit, though!), and creating a variety blog (streetwalkersnyc.com).  I have been pushed to my absolute limits here, and although I have been close to leaving, I haven't.  As beat down as I would get, I always knew that I would get it together.  It wasn't even a deep down in my gut kinda feeling, it was always right below the surface.  Im going to make it, Im going to succeed, Im going to be a fucking adult again.

However, in trying to get myself together, I lost myself.  I felt like I lost my independence, and my personality was suffering.  I became a very insecure person,  always broke, angry, I felt raggedy and very unattractive.  Even in my relationship I often felt like a bum for always having my bf pay for everything.  Even clothes for me to go on interviews! I have a lot of pride and have always been able to do everything for myself, so I have also been humbled here.

5 months after I moved here, I applied for a job very similar to my last job in Boston.  I had 2 interviews and they seemed to love me.  Shit, I even cut my platinum streaked rat tail off for these motherfuckers! I ended up not getting the job and it boggled my mind.  I was so perfect for that position and gave 2 great interviews....and nothing.  I was mad.  So mad, I never officially got over it.

It became somewhat of a chip on my shoulder.  I would think about my last job in Boston and I would just get annoyed with the fact that I couldn't have it here.  Well, after having quite a few shitty jobs and getting laid off this September, I hit a breaking point in November.  I was just feeling so low about myself.  All of my misfortune was not only putting me in severe debt, it was hurting my relationship as well.

One evening, I was laying in bed and ran across Kim Zolciak's Twitter profile and read her bio; "Ask, Believe, and Receive!"  I thought about it and decided that I was going to approach the next day with a new attitude.  The next morning, I woke up and decided to let all of my anguish go and just know and feel that everything was going to work out.  It didn't take long before I was set off and sent into an emotional frenzy.

After being set off, I started walking around the city, crying before attempting to go to the gym, and questioning where my life was heading. I then ran into somebody who I really respect (Joe Buffa), and had a small yet appropriate convo about my direction.  After the convo, I realized how much of a mess I was and immediately did a beeline home.  When I got home, I sat in my negative feelings and decided to take control again.

Thats the thing, when you are weak, even trying to think positive can seem futile..but its not.  You gotta really believe and KNOW that things WILL get better.  Diligence isn't just reserved for school or work, it needs to be applied to everyday life.  So I immediately went to the website of the job I wanted but didn't get.

Long story short, I sent a very courteous email saying who I was and that I was interested in applying again....6 days later, I started my first day. Slowly but surely, I am getting my life back to where it needs to be.  Did I need this particular job to get myself together? Absolutely not.  But it was part of a goal that I set and achieved.

Im sharing all of this because of 2 things; its my damn blog and this is what I do! lol And because I think its important to share this kind of energy.  The fact that my entire life was turned inside out and I was put through so much emotional and physical stress, and yet I never gave up.

Honestly, giving up just never seemed like a great option.

Although things are moving in the right direction, I have lots more shit to take care of and really, Im cool with it.

I'll get there. I know it.

PS Thank you Kim ;)