Catching Up

I spent the entire summer working 12 hour days and barely enjoying one day off a week. Thank goodness for this season of True Blood!  I watched many people enjoy their summer by going on trips to the beach and wonderful travels around the world.  I want to put it out there that although riding bikes through Paris, dancing in Dublin, strolling through P-Town and overnight stays at Fire Island and the Hampton's would have made for a perfect summer, I was very content slaving away at the office.  This summer is what I have been looking forward to for almost 4 damn years.

Its called paying dues.

One of the many things that helps me define myself, is my work ethic (and determination).  Since moving to NYC, I felt like I was severely lacking in that department.  Finding work here was close to impossible, and when I was employed, it was usually a terrible dead end job.  I tried to fill that void when I created StreetWalkersNYC.com.  As much as I loved that site and all of the doors it was opening, my heart was never completely in it.  Honestly, it came 2 years too late.  Had I started it when I first moved here, it would have made more sense and the content would have been better.  I am still very proud of what it was and even the potential it had.  

I just couldn't physically keep up with what it was turning into.  The picture taking, editing, interviewing, video recording and just all of that...it just couldn't continue with a 9 to 5 full time job.  I never officially ended SWNYC, I just stopped doing it.  I have had some people ask me about it and if I am going to do it again, but I don't have a solid answer. I know that at some point I will find a way to bring it back to life, but I don't have time for it just yet.

It aint over.

I am now on Instagram!  If you want to see my life through random pictures of the city and plenty of dirty mirrored narcissism, you can find me by my username; MikeMilan215

Here is what you have been missing:

Oh, This and That...

My birthday was in February and lots has happened since then.  Of course, nothing drastic or extremely life changing, however, my birthday kind of ushered in the demise of 3 friendships.  One of them on actual bad terms.  The first two friendships ended were with people that I respect and still have love for, but our view on friendships differ way too much for me to entertain regular contact, if any at all.

The third friendship ended was a long time coming and kind of a lesson I may have already learned.  But, I guess everybody needs a refresher on when to let go.  Toxic relationships come in all forms, and although I have experienced toxic friends, this was the first time I felt trapped.  This person was really good at playing victim, and every time I felt I was ready to phase him out, he would go through some sort of life issue and I didn't want to look like that friend who left when things were tough.

Instead of "keeping it real", I actually did worse, I became a fake friend.  I probably haven't been a fake friend since I was a child, but back then, I knew no better.  This time I fucked up.  I should have turned my back last year, but I just kept looking for all the good, knowing it was outweighed by all the bad.  I'll eat this one up.  I'll be the bad guy. 

The 2 things that I regret about that situation are of course not ending the friendship sooner, but also that when I sent my last text message (a reply to a very rude, bizarre and inaccurate text message), I should have kept it 110% real.  Yes, my last message was factual, but the tone was far too nice.  But what is done is done...and the trash has been taken out.

With that being said, neither of those regrets can trump the feeling of not having such negativity and desperation in my life.  

Beyond that, I am fucking great.  Im working out more, I have gained some weight and I love life.

Flashback ;)

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The World Keeps Turning

Since moving to NYC, I have been desperately trying to find myself through many channels.  Art, photography, frequenting different social circles, severe networking (not that desperate clingy shit, though!), and creating a variety blog (streetwalkersnyc.com).  I have been pushed to my absolute limits here, and although I have been close to leaving, I haven't.  As beat down as I would get, I always knew that I would get it together.  It wasn't even a deep down in my gut kinda feeling, it was always right below the surface.  Im going to make it, Im going to succeed, Im going to be a fucking adult again.

However, in trying to get myself together, I lost myself.  I felt like I lost my independence, and my personality was suffering.  I became a very insecure person,  always broke, angry, I felt raggedy and very unattractive.  Even in my relationship I often felt like a bum for always having my bf pay for everything.  Even clothes for me to go on interviews! I have a lot of pride and have always been able to do everything for myself, so I have also been humbled here.

5 months after I moved here, I applied for a job very similar to my last job in Boston.  I had 2 interviews and they seemed to love me.  Shit, I even cut my platinum streaked rat tail off for these motherfuckers! I ended up not getting the job and it boggled my mind.  I was so perfect for that position and gave 2 great interviews....and nothing.  I was mad.  So mad, I never officially got over it.

It became somewhat of a chip on my shoulder.  I would think about my last job in Boston and I would just get annoyed with the fact that I couldn't have it here.  Well, after having quite a few shitty jobs and getting laid off this September, I hit a breaking point in November.  I was just feeling so low about myself.  All of my misfortune was not only putting me in severe debt, it was hurting my relationship as well.

One evening, I was laying in bed and ran across Kim Zolciak's Twitter profile and read her bio; "Ask, Believe, and Receive!"  I thought about it and decided that I was going to approach the next day with a new attitude.  The next morning, I woke up and decided to let all of my anguish go and just know and feel that everything was going to work out.  It didn't take long before I was set off and sent into an emotional frenzy.

After being set off, I started walking around the city, crying before attempting to go to the gym, and questioning where my life was heading. I then ran into somebody who I really respect (Joe Buffa), and had a small yet appropriate convo about my direction.  After the convo, I realized how much of a mess I was and immediately did a beeline home.  When I got home, I sat in my negative feelings and decided to take control again.

Thats the thing, when you are weak, even trying to think positive can seem futile..but its not.  You gotta really believe and KNOW that things WILL get better.  Diligence isn't just reserved for school or work, it needs to be applied to everyday life.  So I immediately went to the website of the job I wanted but didn't get.

Long story short, I sent a very courteous email saying who I was and that I was interested in applying again....6 days later, I started my first day. Slowly but surely, I am getting my life back to where it needs to be.  Did I need this particular job to get myself together? Absolutely not.  But it was part of a goal that I set and achieved.

Im sharing all of this because of 2 things; its my damn blog and this is what I do! lol And because I think its important to share this kind of energy.  The fact that my entire life was turned inside out and I was put through so much emotional and physical stress, and yet I never gave up.

Honestly, giving up just never seemed like a great option.

Although things are moving in the right direction, I have lots more shit to take care of and really, Im cool with it.

I'll get there. I know it.

PS Thank you Kim ;)

Start.

I hit some huge emotional lows in the last 2 months and although I felt like shit, I didn't give up.  How does one give up anyways?  Does it end in something like suicide? Thats the only way I can see myself giving up.  Well, I am still alive and although the last few years have been filled with tall mountains and low valleys, I am in a great place right now.

I will wait awhile before I share all of that info, but I am exactly where I wanted to be when I first moved here.  However, everything happens for a reason and better late then never.

;)

To The Brim

I firmly believe that the life we all live is a result of our choices.  However, there are always those decisions, relationships, and people that you honestly believe are here to make your life better through joy and or success, but willfully end up putting you through the ringer.  As much as I want to just let it all out and cut a few people into shreds, I won't.  Thanks to a certain individual, I am learning quick that silence is just as much a dagger as any resentment filled tirade.

Clarity can be rather confusing and disheartening.

Not Defeated, Just A Little Worn.

Can you believe its been 3 years since I have moved to New York?  Time sure does fly.  Lately, I have been doing lots of mental assessments about my life.  I actually used to do it a lot in order to keep me in check and make sure that progress was always around the corner.  Well, I will be the first to admit that I have strayed away from doing so because I have fallen into quite a hole.  Its a lot going on that I no longer care to share with many people, if any.

Everybody has their own problems and really, I just don't feel like explaining all of my issues and getting that guilty feeling afterwards.  Vulnerability is such a beautiful thing when witnessed.  However, when I let my pain, my concerns and fears out for all to see, I feel like my value takes a hit! lol Generally, I think it takes such courage and strength to let it all out...as long as it comes from an honest place (Being vulnerable around people because you're needy, is tacky and opportunistic). 

What to do, what to do.  I'm looking at all of this as just the part that is "worse" before it gets better.  I'm sure I could have phrased that sentence better, but you get it.  I don't even feel as physically attractive anymore as well..haha! True though.  You know, it just happens sometimes.  When you're beaten down on the inside, the outside follows suit.  What makes all of this acceptable, is that I know this is just part of the journey.  Through all of this shit, I am picking up a lot of knowledge.. and my heart...my heart is so much bigger now.  

Although I feel lost, I know that whatever trail I am on, its just going to lead me back to me...back to being confident and happy.  Im not happy right now, but I will be.  

I will be great(er).

<3

Welcome..again.

If you are here and have been here before, then you know that this is a new domain name.  Some mothefucker bought my other domain name right from under me! It literally knocked my site offline!  Isn't that some rude/bold shit? Anyhoo, fuck that person.  Instead of IamMikeMilan.com, I am simply just MikeMilan.com.  Which is what it should have been from the start.  Whatevs.

As usual, I am still broke, slightly bitter and jaded-as-hell.  Again, whatevs.

Here is a pic of me looking either sexy, or creepy.  Totally up to you to decide.

Tears Won't Leave a Trace

My life lately has been disastrous.  Money, employment, relationship, health...you name it, everything is off track.  I spoke to my good friend Rob, and he put a lot of stuff into perspective (I love you Rob, I really do.  I cannot stress how important you are to my sanity).

Sometimes its no longer about what is right or wrong anymore, but rather if it even works.  Does the piece of the puzzle fit?  Something that seems so heinous to me, may seem very trivial to you.  Do I try to make you see things my way?  Or do I just accept you for who you are and just go on about my business?  Not every situation merits the same thought, but sometimes you really have to put your beliefs out there and let 'em know when something is wrong.  However, the older I get, the more I am letting people just be who they are and just accepting them.  Unfortunately, apart of letting people "be who they are", means that some have no room in my life.

Thats the part that hurts.  One day you may find yourself like me, and realize that somebody that you love so much, doesn't love you the way you need and deserve to be loved, and that its not your fault or theirs, but rather you are too different to work anymore.  I am in a very strange place right now...this may be the first time in years that I have actually felt lonely and completely misunderstood.  There are times where I honestly feel like I make so much sense, that I think I'm crazy.  Does that make sense?

Anyhoo, as usual, I will make it through.  Don't I always?

Control is a Reality

It is so easy to forget how much control you really have over your life.  I have been fully aware of this for a few years now, but the last 8 months have caught me off guard.  I have given far too much credit to other people for my shortcomings.  I have believed that other people have caused my pain and aggravation when really, it has been my lack of self control that has made me so bipolar-like and helpless.

Don't get me wrong, some of ya'll have been awful to me! lol But my reactions have been very poor.  I have been walking around on emotional autopilot. Been playing victim for awhile and its not a roll I play well, its fucking tiring and has gotten me nowhere.  Who wants to walk around feeling useless?  Seriously, I have felt so useless and insecure...for what?  It hasn't done shit but slow me down and water down my opportunities.

It feels good to be able to look back and dissect my actions and emotions.  Its never too late to take control.

Anyhoo, I just had to let that go.

xoxo

Hawaii Pics!

tons more pictures when you click on "read more.."

Potential?

I typed this out earlier on my phone...for myself.  However, I decided to share it since I haven't blogged here in awhile.

Where and when does potential begin and end? As a person who has been looked upon as having lots of it, I have been wondering where this said potential has gotten me. Did I ever have potential if I haven't grown? Am I just a regular person who appears to have potential but will never hit the mark....because I never had it to begin with?  Have I peaked too early?

I have been asking myself these questions lately because I feel like all of my talents and "potential" have taken a backseat to everything else in my life.  I also lose focus too easily and my rebound time is a bit questionable these days. As usual I think too damn much and I often interrupt my own flow. I feel like I have been in a creative rut for sometime. So as usual I question myself, not in a way that promotes discouragement, but to problem solve.  Bla bla bla

At the end of the day, potential isn't a dirty word.


DR Mike.

Love Takes No Prisoners.

A lot of time has passed since I have written something personal.  Something I have been thinking about lately is how difficult it is to accept change when you are in a relationship.  As a person who has lots of pride in who I am today (and how I have gotten myself from A to B and back)...its almost painful to change it for the sake of being in a relationship.  Mind you, I love my relationship, but it almost feels as if I don't love myself as much as I used to. Like I don't know who I am changing into next, because its not all up to me anymore.  I mean, it is, but when in a relationship, if you want it to work, you cant just do what you want...you have to be considerate.  Being considerate means being able to compromise.

That has to be the most profound 3 syllable word ever.  It sounds so good in theory, but it can be such a jagged little pill.  I know that I live in my head and I often get in my own way, but I know that this will never get easier.  Love, regardless of what you think you know about it, is not meant to be easy. It is always a work in progress, and it needs lots of attention.  Love takes no prisoners.

I am in a very weird place right now.

A Fetish for Fashion

On Feb 12, Folsom Street East presented its First Anual Fetish Fashion Show and Charity Auction, benefitting The Center: the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center.  Billboard Dance Number 1 artist, Sylvia Tosun, performed and hosted at the event.  Many of you may not know, but Sylvia was one of my bosses when I worked for a hotel in Manhattan.  She invited me as a VIP guest and I of course brought my camera to catch al of the action!

I hope you enjoy viewing the pictures as much as I enjoyed taking them! ;)

Lots more after the jump...

My 3rd Birthday in NYC

Here are some pics from my 3rd official Birthday in NYC.  Like last year, I had it at F-Word.  However, this year, F-Word is now at legendary nightclub Splash.  A good time was had by all!  As I glanced through the pictures, I noticed that there were LOTS of people I didn't get to photograph.  Either way, the general energy is in the pics. 

There are lots more pics after the jump.....

To Finish..

The challenges that come with being in a relationship have forced me to look at how I act towards challenges in general.  Especially when it comes to other people.  My default is usually to drop things/people when they get too complicated.  Im kind of over that process...its just hard to change something that is so automatic.

Sometimes trying to change something can be futile if you dont know where it comes from.  Im not going to break down all my issues on this blog because it would take too long.  However, Im trying to change it.  Little by little, I am changing everyday.  In my past relationships, I have been the "tit-for-tat lover." All that does is make the situation worse, and really, nobody wins with that attitude.  Again, very hard for me to stop being that way, but its a process that I am walking myself through.  

Knowing that you deserve love and good things isn't enough,  you have to work at it if you want a strong finish.  

...and Im working it.

To Be Acknowledged ...

Earlier today while I was at work, I was caught off guard by a beautifully written blog post about me...and I rushed to the bathroom to cry.  I wasn't having a bad day, it was going quite well actually, but it just meant the world to me.  Not that I am short of appreciation from the people that love me, but this post moved me because it was out of nowhere.  This is the result of a friendship that has been as steady as a winter day in Alaska.

This doesn't take away from any of the love and support I have received from anybody else.  In general, I am facing many tough obstacles, so, yes, this does give me quite the needed boost.  Right now as I type this, I am teary eyed and listening to Sade.  lol Typical me.

I don't want to type too much about myself before I ruin the moment...however, I want to say that relationships are what keep your soul alive.  Whether it be with yourself, religion, friends, lovers or whoever makes you happy, make it a point to let them know how important they are to you.  Its powerful stuff.

Gratitude is a gift that you should give to the people who sustain you.

Rob Herring, we really have grown a lot and have watched each other become men.  No words in this post can contain the love and appreciation that I have for you.  You have been my cheerleader at every corner, milestone, low, and high since we have met.  I have never ever had to ask you for anything..it has always been automatic.

thank you for your friendship.

This is the post that Rob wrote for me:

 "Much can be said for the way today's communicative mediums have eroded the interpersonal engagement - but about a decade ago that's how I met one of my closest friends.  I guess something can be said for fate as well - but through the course of years we have managed to work & maintenance quite the friendship. New aged city mouse & country southern mouse - Mikey was this gateway to something broader, imaginative - passionately creative; strengths of my own whose surfaces I had barely even scraped at that time.  Fast forwarding through the years there were probably thousands of instant messages, one checking on the other - another zillion texts to share an occasional laugh or advice sessions - & an infinite number of "talk me off of the ledge" late night phone calls.  Often times we don't take the time to watch people grow - but I've been privy to not only witness Mikey grow, I've been lucky to grow along side him in a similar direction.
          Recently I watched Mikey brave through one of the toughest periods I have seen him endure to date - & then I watched the inevitable bounce back, phoenix from ashes, Britney Spears "Stronger" & shit.  Now I see Mikey settling into his routine & being reminded again - of how much more he wants from this life, from it's passions, & from its wealth of teachings & opportunities.  It was a message I wanted to offer to my friend, as a friend - especially now in this season where it can be received & in effort to prepare him for his next obstacle.  Someone imparted this to me recently & I thought to pass it on, because as complicated & layered as we are, this antidote was from a simple perspective endowed by wisdom which can only be garnered through trial, error, age & or experience.  I was at my job one day, fatigued with the routine, unsettled by the direction of my life as of late & frustrated trying to snatch back the reigns -  It was there lamenting & discussing this stalemate dilemma with a colleague, that's well over twice my senior, that I was given this a caveat that she received from her life coach - "...my dear, this is just a lily pad for you."  She fleshed out for me this theory of transition & she started with telling me that I was preparing to take my next leap - & when you leap, you need somewhere to land until the next leap - another lily pad.
          Each stage in life is this transitional building block that gives you some haven, or teaching point - to better equip you for the next stage.  Depending on your growth in this life there can be tons of these transitional periods - but no matter how good or bad, they are always - temporary.  So back to Mikey, even now coming into everything with the new job & the website (www.streetwalkersnyc.com) *shameless plug* there's still this hunt for more.  We have even discussed this, its like there's this invisible hour glass somewhere guarded by ninjas hyped up on meth, & where racing against time, running over glass in stripper heels.  Even still, even this season - yea the one we're currently in where we are waiting to breakthrough to doing whatever it is we love - yea, its just another lily pad as well.  So let's take some time, slow down, learn what were suppose to be learning & build for the next leap so that we when land its somewhere worth building.

Ten years strong - love you Mikey."

you can also see the original post on his site:  http://royalrhetoric.blogspot.com/2010/10/life-lillies-for-michael-rivera.html