Its not personal, but I don't like you like that..

...and I do not want to date you. Maybe you can take it personal, and you have every right to..but right now I am not into dating. I'm not even really into "hooking up" either. I do have "needs"..but they aren't important anymore. Those "needs" are a bit of a bother and sometimes require too much work. You are attractive, but I have other stuff that is occupying my time.

I appreciate your compliments...they never get old..but I still don't want to date you. Or him.

That's how I feel right about now. I just don;t want to be fucking bothered with guys right now (the swearing part is not supposed to sound angry..but I swear quite often when I speak. I'm not mad! lol). I actually have been kind of distant from my friends as well. This year I set off on this self improving journey and I have made some huge progress. I am very proud of myself for the things that I have done this year, but the more I accomplish the more work I see that has to be done. Its a bit unsettling, but not discouraging. At least I do not believe it to be.

I decided to try therapy to see if I could get anything out of it. I went to one appointment and half way thru it, I felt that I maybe didn't have to be there. Therapy would have been ideal in my teenage years or early 20's...shit..last year would have been good too. I have a few more appointments that I will use up before I make a final decision. The therapist asked me why I chose to try therapy..I was honest and told her that I realized that people are capable of change if they choose it...and I am choosing to change. I went on to tell her that I am an example against the common belief that people never change. I am not the same person I was this time last year. That Mikey was a very sad and lonely person. He also drank too much. lol

I expressed that I am willing to try anything a few times to see if it benefits not just the problems on the surface, but maybe even the way I process my thoughts and emotions. She seemed impressed..but it was my first time really doing something like this..so she could have been pacifying my ego.

Lets see...what else. Yes! how horrible is this karma?

e[10:47 PM]: so tell me about that guy u went out with
[10:48 PM]: was he ugly
G0Mikey [10:49 PM]: no
G0Mikey [10:49 PM]: he was ok
G0Mikey [10:49 PM]: its so weird
[10:49 PM]: y?
G0Mikey [10:49 PM]: and another reason why i want to move more..
G0Mikey [10:49 PM]: he tried to holla at me literally 10 years ago..when i was 18
[10:50 PM]: oh wow!
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: he was like 21
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: but he dissed me for somebody else
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: in a very shady way
[10:50 PM]: ahhhhhhhh
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: but that was 10 years ago..
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: im not mad
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: im passed that..but yeah..
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: he hit me up...and was sweating me to meet up with him
G0Mikey [10:51 PM]: and u know what? although i dont hold any grudges against him...
G0Mikey [10:51 PM]: i just think he is apart of my past..
G0Mikey [10:51 PM]: and i want it to stay there
G0Mikey [10:52 PM]: no hard feelings..but u know...this time around..im the one thats not into u
G0Mikey [10:52 PM]: and im trying to tell him that without sounding shady
[10:52 PM]: awwww
[10:53 PM]: true
G0Mikey [10:53 PM]: he called me earlier and i looked at my phone...
G0Mikey [10:53 PM]: and i was like..yuck
G0Mikey [10:53 PM]: and i felt bad
G0Mikey [10:53 PM]: but im not going to lead him on the way he did to me
[10:53 PM]: yeah exactly

I really need to stay off those gay cruisy sites! lol

Oh yeah...Happy Holidays. ;)

Self Check

I have no desire to get to (intimately) know anybody right now. I think I have been fooling myself and going with the flow of meeting new guys. Lately I have found myself turned off by being intimate. This is very unlike me...so I must be going thru some change. Naturally, I know we all want to be in the company of somebody we care for and can be intimate with. I still have those feelings...but I think the timing is off.

I have so much to do and the idea of getting to know somebody and all of their feelings is just a turn off for me. I do not have the energy to get to know somebody new, on that level. I believe in fate, so I am sure if somebody special came along, I would do what i felt is right. But I am not holding my breath nor do I care for that to happen at this moment. I will admitt that some situations have pushed me further into this direction, but I will keep quiet about that one.

My Thanksgiving was pretty sweet. Chilled with family, friends and got to eat some good food. I spent some awkward time with my estranged father. Bless that man..because he is such a loser at life. No hard feelings..honestly. If you knew this man, you would totally understand. My handsome brothers were there with there kids. I love my nephews...they almost make me want to grow up! LOL My nephew Bubba (its just a nickname!) followed me everywhere and was even sweet enough to assault one of my friends with a dropkick.

How sweet.


My younger brother and my nephew Bubba on Haloween.

Love over The Manhattan Bridge.

There is a fella out there that I have always carried in my heart. I carried him even throughout my last relationship. Now..as I have stated many times before, I was seriously in love and believed that I was with the man I would spend the rest of my life with..regardless of the problems we encountered. But every now and then I would question myself because I just could not shake off these feelings for this particular person. The feelings were never strong enough to make me get up and leave because I don’t follow my heart if I believe its pointless. Lets face it, our hearts can get us into a lot of problems. Especially when you have a big heart like I do..lol. I promise you that its in me! =P

I mentioned him in a blog recently and when I wrote it I was blown away at the fact that I could still feel that way after all of these years. Its been close to 6 years to be exact. Aesthetically he is the best looking man I have had the pleasure to be intimate with and when it comes to conversing he is on the same level as me. We can talk about anything and he can even shut me up. Unless you are Tony Milan, that is a hard thing to do. He is the only person after all of these years that has made me nervous before we would meet up and…lord..lol. Yeah..its a mess.

We unintentionally met up 2 times this weekend and partied together. He even got me drunk on Saturday…Im not even a drinker anymore. Everywhere we went there were men falling over him and asking to buy him drinks, and coming onto him in the most awkward ways. It was amazing how unattractive he made me look. If you know me well..you know I really preffer to be with a man that can make me look bland. This guy is so humble and down to earth it is ridiculous. Never have I met somebody so damn hot and so unaffected. He is college educated and goal orientated and I am proud of all that he has accomplished. Im proud to know somebody like him and I am so glad that we are still friends. Yet there have been these feelings…

So on Saturday night he drove me back to Brooklyn from partying in Manhattan at around 4am. We took the Manhattan Bridge into Brooklyn and as we were driving over that bridge I realized…like fully realized that it was never going to happen. I somehow either missed my opportunity (years ago) or plain and simple he just never saw me as dating material. Just sex and friendship. And you know what..I was perfectly fine with it. I love this man for being who he is…not because of some “feeling” I get around him. I can so breathe easier around him now and I don’t have to worry about what I look like or how crazy I shouldn’t act because he never judged me in that kind of way. Don’t get me wrong! He is not without fault…cuz I can list quite a few! But why list them?

In the middle of that warm breeze thru the car window on a bridge overlooking Manhattan, I managed to let go of “that” love to gain a better understanding of our friendship and embrace a new love.

Thank you Italy.