Excited and Scared.

Those are 2 very accurate words to describe my present state of mind. Since I can remember, I have always had dreams of being some kind of an artist. Singer, dancer, comic book illustrator, photographer, poet, song writer and graphic designer. These are all of the area’s I have not only displayed interest in, but I have actually done on small scales. I am very fortunate to have been able to do such things as choreograph hip hop dances, create characters etc. However, we have all heard of the person who is the Jack of all trades but inevitable master of none. That is me. I have been aware of this for many years and I have been struggling with myself to figure just what I want to do with myself. I have spent many nights pondering and even crying (yes..lol) at the fact that I know I have so much talent and yet I am wasting it with all of my own self sabotage. All of this self doubt and procrastination has gotten me nowhere.

My last relationship was unfortunately a victim of my own insecure state of mind. This is proof that if you are not a whole person, you cannot bring what is necessary to a successful relationship. I have said this before but I love to reiterate it because so many people fool themselves by believing if they are in a relationship with a great person they will all of a sudden be “great” themselves. Fools! Lol

Anyhoo, as of right now I have decided to reach back and take a talent I started to form (but stopped) and cultivate it into something that I can stay with. What is important to know about me is that I am a multitasker and I will never be satisfied with doing just one thing. But I have to pace myself and start somewhere. What good is it for me to start all of these projects and never finish them? So I am going with photography. As you may have read, I have my new camera and I am looking to buy a starter lighting kit. I am truly excited about this new direction and I have a lot of visions that I want to bring to life. You cannot learn how to be an artist because you are born one. But I need the technical prowess to pull this one off. Cross your fingers because Mikey is impatient! Ha!

I haven’t been this excited and passionate about something since I started college. I never finished college because I realized I was so self taught in some areas that I became bored and I also should have been a Graphic Design major as opposed to a Multimedia major. So I am an art school drop out. Sexy huh? =P So that is the excitement factor.

The fear factor comes from the fact that I need to move. I don’t want to move, I need to move. I am done with Boston. I am very unhappy here and I am not the most liked person among my peers and honestly I don’t give a fuck. I am not better then them, but I am on some different shit that just confuses them and makes them think I am on a high horse. Not at all, I am very humble and downright shy at times. I am still in touch with that light inside of me that aspires to be a person that I can love and be proud of. I want to love myself. They….well…not sure where they are..but I doubt when they were growing up they wanted to be bitter, jaded and hateful. Yeah I said it. Trust me, who you are, is in your actions not your words.

My choice of location is NY, which is no secret. I am scared because I am starting this photography stuff and trying to move at the same time. Both are very costly and I have bills to pay! I am not afraid of the competition in NY nor am I afraid of not succeeding because those are not options. I am determined but am filled with fear because I have a love hate thing for change. A lot of it has to do with age too. Which is something I really need to let go. I feel like I should have done this a long time ago but I got caught up in being lost and trying to live a married life (not blaming this on my ex or the relationship!).

As you can see, I have much on my mind.

On a completely different note..I am going to see Amy Winehouse! yay!!!