Shadows

I decided to take today off from work because my allergies are kicking my ass and I also just needed a mental day for myself. I know those that know me are like "What? you have Fridays off!!" LOL I have a 4 day 40 hour schedule. So I always have a 3 day weekend. But I make sure to stay busy all 3 days because I need to be productive. This weekend was taxing on me because of the photo shoot and then feeling sick from my allergies the following morning. I am not complaining..but I am tired and emotional.

Here is what I am getting to:

I am sad. This photo stuff is something I really want to do and I will be pursuing it. But this means that my plans to move are of course going to be (once again) pushed back.

A little history on where I live: I once shared this apartment with my best friend and my ex. We were very much like family. My best friend moved out to further his career and months after that my ex and I broke up and he moved out. I have been well put together and have pressed on with myself. However, I am still very much affected. I look around this house..and yes..I love my roommates! But the 3 of us (being my ex and best friend) did so much work on this apartment from the floors to the ceiling (literally) that it is haunting at times. I feel so left behind and homeless in this place. But I don't see a point in moving to another apartment because I just want to get out of this city.

Time goes by and I am just fine. I have a good job, great roommates, my baby girl Nina and I am living comfortably with my cash flow. But then those days creep in and I feel so awful. I miss my ex terribly and it breaks my heart some mornings to wake up in the same bed, same sheets and pillows...and not have him by my side. I don't even sleep on his side of the bed. My best friend as well. I miss being able to just chill and go out and walk around and talk shit. I see his old room sometimes and I think of all the hard work that was put into it and it just gets to me.

My best friend and I will eventually be at the same place at the same time and our relationship is still just as good. My ex and I...well..we'll never be able to be friends at this rate and without that, we'll just always be a memory to each other. It saddens me because I love him with everything in me, but I can only do so much. I feel like a lot of these feelings will lift once I move. Its one thing to remember...its another to have to be reminded of it everyday.

So yes, I am pursuing photography but its gonna keep me here a little longer...and Im just a little down..but it will work out. I just had to let that out.

Thanks for getting this far.