Just a little much.

Right now, I am in a somewhat suspended state. I still am unemployed and very bored. However, I feel like it is too late to find a job. Why? Because I really do plan to move to NYC in October and starting a new job now would serve no purpose other then getting a little more money for the next 2 months. My money situation right now is pretty good and I don't need a job for money purposes (for now).

My photography class is going well, but the lighting and studio work is a little more complicated then I thought. So I don't want to rush into the studio and break something. After this week, I should hopefully be able to go into the studios on my own. Until then, I have the nothing to do but go to the gym. My body is coming a long pretty decent..I am getting even more lean then before and I have been told a few times that my arms look good. But shit! I am skinny!

So yeah, I believe that I am on the right track, but I am still kind of waiting for things to come along. I think its just the long days and weeks of nothing. I really have nothing to do and nobody to hang out with most of the time. My roommate, who is one of my best friends, is pretty much the only person I can hang out and party with..but even that has its setbacks...ugh..I will not elaborate. But other then the setbacks, I sometimes feel like a burden and needy. I just have so much time on my hands...I feel like I am wasting it but I don't know what else I can do. It can be overwhelming sometimes because I truly like to be busy and working alongside my peers.

I keep telling myself that this is temporary and that I will get back to normal. This, for me, is not normal. It will be a fine fucking day when I have a job and am not stuck in limbo.

One of the best things about losing my job, was that I am losing the fear and anxiety of this move. I had so much going on for me. A good job with amazing promotions and bonuses, a lot of respect, I was very important and always a favorite no matter what department I worked for and according to one of my reviews, people loved to be around me (I am personable!)...I would think about moving and would think about all of those things I would have to leave behind and I admit it, I would be so scared that I would work harder.

But its gone now..it was taken away from me and no matter how much harder I could have worked..it wouldn't have mattered. It is what it is and I am not mad at what happened. One thing is for sure..I am not scared anymore. I just want it to happen already.

I cant do this city anymore..I cant. I love it..I do, but I don't belong here anymore. I don't know how to explain it, but it just doesn't feel right to be here. Ugh..ok..I will stop the bitching. Clearly..I have enough time for it.

I went out on a date on Tuesday and it went well. I usually do not mess around on the first date, but on this date I did. I felt a little tacky, but whatever. Hopefully we will reach another date, but I wont hold my breath..this is Boston.

Boo bitch bye!