Monday, April 24, 2006
Saturday, April 22, 2006
In My Bed
So I went out again last night and got drunk...again. I asked a friend who I flirt with a lot to come home with me and he did. When we got to my room I made sure that he didnt lay in the section my Ex had slept in for the past 2 years. I had absolutely no intention to have sex or to even be sexual. I just wanted somebody I trust to lay next to me so that I could feel that safe feeling I have missed every single night since the begining of February.
It didn't work. It was harder for me to sleep knowing another man was sharing the same bed and sheets that me and "him" had not only shared but picked out. Im so glad I was drunk because as fast as my mind was racing, my body was shot and I had no choice but to knock out. When I woke up my friend's arm was around me and I felt so violated. Even my dog Nina was acting crazy. NOBODY has slept in my bed but "him" and she has spent most of her life with "us" on that same bed. She was runing around and barking and crying at the door. It was unreal.
I have to move. I cannot live in this apartment anymore. It is too painful to come home and be alone and then have to get up and go to work again. Correction..to come home and feel lonely. I am willing to pay more to live somewhere else and have some sanity then to live in this sadness. We painted all of the walls and even sanded and stained floors. "We" are all over this apartment and I don't think I can move on with all of these remnants of joy and disaster in my face. The worse part is that I might not be able to take Nina with me.
I need new sheets.
It didn't work. It was harder for me to sleep knowing another man was sharing the same bed and sheets that me and "him" had not only shared but picked out. Im so glad I was drunk because as fast as my mind was racing, my body was shot and I had no choice but to knock out. When I woke up my friend's arm was around me and I felt so violated. Even my dog Nina was acting crazy. NOBODY has slept in my bed but "him" and she has spent most of her life with "us" on that same bed. She was runing around and barking and crying at the door. It was unreal.
I have to move. I cannot live in this apartment anymore. It is too painful to come home and be alone and then have to get up and go to work again. Correction..to come home and feel lonely. I am willing to pay more to live somewhere else and have some sanity then to live in this sadness. We painted all of the walls and even sanded and stained floors. "We" are all over this apartment and I don't think I can move on with all of these remnants of joy and disaster in my face. The worse part is that I might not be able to take Nina with me.
I need new sheets.
NY On A Whim
Where to begin. Lets begin with last weekend shall we? I decided on the whim to go to NY for the weekend because one of my NY friends wanted to hook me up with one of his friends. Lets call this friends friend Dell. Anyhoo, my NY friend took a pic of Dell with his sidekick and emailed it to me and had me send my pics to his sidekick so that Dell could see me. All parties seemed to be satisfied and we exchanged numbers.
This was on the evening Tuesday the 11th. We briefly spoke on Tuesday and spoke off and on all day Wednesday and Thursday, which provoked me to go to NY on Friday. Since I get out of work late on Friday's I literally got there at 1am (which would then make it Saturday) and as soon as I got off the buss I met up with one of my best friends and we hit it to a bar called G. I think that's what it was called. After that we went to Cafeteria, ate breakfast and finally by 4:30ish I was headed to a place where I could put my bag down and sleep.
Even though it was Saturday morning when I fell asleep..it was technically the end of my Friday. SO...on Saturday I met up with all types of people. My friends, my friends friends, my sister, my sisters friends..I mean it was like I was on tour. Me and my best friend were really beating the streets. We ate at Caffecito in the Lower East Side and that shit was so fucking good. Cuban food at its finest! For real. So yeah...Saturday evening I finally met up with Dell. And that's pretty much the end of that story because we were totally not into each other and we haven't spoken since. LOL
He was adorable in person but so not my type. And I wasn't his either. We are just 2 people who got out of LTR's that jumped at the chance of having our minds being elsewhere. It worked for those 3 days we spoke. So it wasn't a waste. I got my mind off of my current situation for a few days and had a great time in NY for the weekend. PS..I am totally leaving out the "black" party in Harlem we went to...nothing but judgment. That's all I am going to say. lol
This was on the evening Tuesday the 11th. We briefly spoke on Tuesday and spoke off and on all day Wednesday and Thursday, which provoked me to go to NY on Friday. Since I get out of work late on Friday's I literally got there at 1am (which would then make it Saturday) and as soon as I got off the buss I met up with one of my best friends and we hit it to a bar called G. I think that's what it was called. After that we went to Cafeteria, ate breakfast and finally by 4:30ish I was headed to a place where I could put my bag down and sleep.
Even though it was Saturday morning when I fell asleep..it was technically the end of my Friday. SO...on Saturday I met up with all types of people. My friends, my friends friends, my sister, my sisters friends..I mean it was like I was on tour. Me and my best friend were really beating the streets. We ate at Caffecito in the Lower East Side and that shit was so fucking good. Cuban food at its finest! For real. So yeah...Saturday evening I finally met up with Dell. And that's pretty much the end of that story because we were totally not into each other and we haven't spoken since. LOL
He was adorable in person but so not my type. And I wasn't his either. We are just 2 people who got out of LTR's that jumped at the chance of having our minds being elsewhere. It worked for those 3 days we spoke. So it wasn't a waste. I got my mind off of my current situation for a few days and had a great time in NY for the weekend. PS..I am totally leaving out the "black" party in Harlem we went to...nothing but judgment. That's all I am going to say. lol
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Thank You.
After receiving some concerned emails, I want to put it out there that I am not unhappy with my life. I am actually doing pretty good right now and I am making moves to better myself at work and I am being more social. I have been antisocial for the past year so it is a big change for me. Im not at home as often and I am actually grooming and shopping again. I am sad because I lost a very important part of my life. I lost "him." But the world doesnt stop for heart break...so the show must go on. Tears or not.
That is only in one aspect of "me." It is very consuming..but it is what it is and I know how to draw a line when it comes to other parts of my life. You have to.
Blurry lines suck man.
That is only in one aspect of "me." It is very consuming..but it is what it is and I know how to draw a line when it comes to other parts of my life. You have to.
Blurry lines suck man.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Weekend Wrap Up (revised)
I had one of these (blog post) up Sunday night but it was too discriptive. So here I am summing it up I guess. This weekend was an attempt at taking my mind off of what I have been going thru lately. It worked at times and at other times I was just a complete mess. I have so many unresolved feelings. That is what it is. There is just so much left over inside of me that I can;t get out so it just runs down my face.
Despite it all...I find myself loving him so much that it blindes me. It has even affected my performance at work. I go to work late everyday because I get lost in thought. O my...this is supposed to be a sum up. See...Im consumed.
So yeah...I had an ok weekend. Met up with different friends to get my mind of everything and did some shopping. I even got a line up! I have been looking Fidel Castro lately. Anybody who has seen me walking around with my hair coming out of my hat with my tacky beard knows what I am talking about. Bleh. Im going to phase myself out from using my PC as much. It just adds to my confusion. There is too much to see.
I might not have a blog for a few days because I need a break from spilling all of my misery onto everybody. Thank you so much to those who have read my blogs and have given me advice or any feedback. I appreciate it.
Here's to getting back to blogs filled with attitude and me.
Despite it all...I find myself loving him so much that it blindes me. It has even affected my performance at work. I go to work late everyday because I get lost in thought. O my...this is supposed to be a sum up. See...Im consumed.
So yeah...I had an ok weekend. Met up with different friends to get my mind of everything and did some shopping. I even got a line up! I have been looking Fidel Castro lately. Anybody who has seen me walking around with my hair coming out of my hat with my tacky beard knows what I am talking about. Bleh. Im going to phase myself out from using my PC as much. It just adds to my confusion. There is too much to see.
I might not have a blog for a few days because I need a break from spilling all of my misery onto everybody. Thank you so much to those who have read my blogs and have given me advice or any feedback. I appreciate it.
Here's to getting back to blogs filled with attitude and me.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Rebound For Us
So Friday night was very wild for me. I was in the presence of some great coworkers, friends and onlooking strangers at Club Cafe. Music was very gay and the drinks were free (for me) all night. I know what you're thinking...and it doesn't sound wild, but I am leaving a lot out. For starters my Ex had gone off to NY to have a weekend date with some guy he has been sending naked pics (that I took of him) to. Classy. How do I know this? Because I picked up his traits of sneakiness and insecurity. He use to go thru all of my emails and would look over my shoulder all the time. So I had the habbit of checking his emails (sneaky) even after we broke up (there goes that insecure shit).
He knows that I found out but would refuse to tell me who he was going to see but I knew the whole time. I know it is none of my business anyways but we had this agreement that we would spend weekends together so that we can try and work out the issues in our relationship ...but he made these plans and was not going to tell me about it. When I confronted him about his "date weekend" he admitted that he would not have told me he was going away nor would he have picked up his phone if I called.
Why am I mentioning all of this? Because he emailed me on Friday (the day he was leaving to go on his date) saying "I hope you're having a good day." It was a nice gesture but was bittersweet to me. You're going to wish me a good day before you see another man who has been enjoying the pics I took of you when we were being intimate? Im sure he will try (or has) to re-enact the moments we shared while I took those pics with his new date. Again....classy. I cordially replied to his email, thanked him and gave him a good day wish as well.
Well...onto the wild part of my Friday. im just going to sum it up because i really don't want to get in trouble if the wrong person reads this. Here goes: I flirted with many people, kissed a very cute boy (who I am interested in) and was felt up and "kissed" on by a person from my job...not just any person...but a superior. Nuff said! lol
If you want details email me.....
Mike is on his way.....
He knows that I found out but would refuse to tell me who he was going to see but I knew the whole time. I know it is none of my business anyways but we had this agreement that we would spend weekends together so that we can try and work out the issues in our relationship ...but he made these plans and was not going to tell me about it. When I confronted him about his "date weekend" he admitted that he would not have told me he was going away nor would he have picked up his phone if I called.
Why am I mentioning all of this? Because he emailed me on Friday (the day he was leaving to go on his date) saying "I hope you're having a good day." It was a nice gesture but was bittersweet to me. You're going to wish me a good day before you see another man who has been enjoying the pics I took of you when we were being intimate? Im sure he will try (or has) to re-enact the moments we shared while I took those pics with his new date. Again....classy. I cordially replied to his email, thanked him and gave him a good day wish as well.
Well...onto the wild part of my Friday. im just going to sum it up because i really don't want to get in trouble if the wrong person reads this. Here goes: I flirted with many people, kissed a very cute boy (who I am interested in) and was felt up and "kissed" on by a person from my job...not just any person...but a superior. Nuff said! lol
If you want details email me.....
Mike is on his way.....
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Nothing Worse
There is nothing worse then being sick and alone at the same time. I think I cried myself into a sore throat! lol That is so sick....no pun intended. I have been having a lot of problems with my throat these past few months. Sucks...no time to make an appointment before my damn health care runs out. Divorce sucks.
Smile.
Smile.
Monday, April 03, 2006
For Him And For My Sanity.
Human nature is making me feel like I acted too fast and that maybe I should have waited for my feelings to cool down before I said the things that I said to him. But it's too late and it is so done that nothing I say or do will correct the damage that I did. Am I regretful? Somewhat. But I said what I felt and I didn't lie about anything. I had no other choice. I was backed against a wall. Would I take back what I did? No.
What I did was what needed to happen. Was I a little distasteful? Yes. Actually I was very crazy acting..but a man can only take so much. I still love him very much and I will love him forever. It is an unexplainable feeling that only people who have been thru this kind of situation would understand. This is proof that love is blind and that we can fall in love with people we are not compatible with. There will always be a spot in my heart for him because he was my first real love.
I used the word "hate" because when you love somebody the way that I love him... only to have them hurt you over and over again with the same action can evoke a reverse reaction. That "hate" came from all of the passion that seemed to burn my chest and throat. I don't hate him. I might have for that moment but I couldn't think straight. I went as far as to try to make him hate me too because guilt almost had me turn around and hug him.
Like yesterday my throat is burdened but this time it is with fear not passion. The fear that mistakes have been made on my behalf that maybe I have been too ignorant to see. But again that is human nature. I now understand why some people commit suicide after break ups. Sometimes the pain is just so numbing that you just don't realize that life can go on. I am not suicidal. I just understand it now...because things would be so much easier if they were to stop. No more hurt, no more games or moments so filled with confusion that you lash out only to feel like a maniac afterwards. None of that. It would be nice. But I am a fighter so there is no easy way out for me.
He may never read this because he has no reason to. What is done is done and I seem to have the bad habbit of never shutting up. Especially now because of how overly emotional and fragile I am. I always thought that when a man really loves someone he would fight to keep that love. I still beleive that. I fought with all I had..but there was no battle. I fought alone..and here I am...alone.
The salt of my tears leave streams of sadness and regret all over my face. The hurt will lessen but the memory will never leave me. The feeling of loss will also lessen but yes..they will be there. The rings that I was planning to buy by the end of the year will never be bought and that special day will never come(it was supposed to be "spontaneous"). Dramatic..I know..but all of it true.
I love you Daland, and despite everything we put each other thru I hope that you fall in love again.
Still,
Mikey
What I did was what needed to happen. Was I a little distasteful? Yes. Actually I was very crazy acting..but a man can only take so much. I still love him very much and I will love him forever. It is an unexplainable feeling that only people who have been thru this kind of situation would understand. This is proof that love is blind and that we can fall in love with people we are not compatible with. There will always be a spot in my heart for him because he was my first real love.
I used the word "hate" because when you love somebody the way that I love him... only to have them hurt you over and over again with the same action can evoke a reverse reaction. That "hate" came from all of the passion that seemed to burn my chest and throat. I don't hate him. I might have for that moment but I couldn't think straight. I went as far as to try to make him hate me too because guilt almost had me turn around and hug him.
Like yesterday my throat is burdened but this time it is with fear not passion. The fear that mistakes have been made on my behalf that maybe I have been too ignorant to see. But again that is human nature. I now understand why some people commit suicide after break ups. Sometimes the pain is just so numbing that you just don't realize that life can go on. I am not suicidal. I just understand it now...because things would be so much easier if they were to stop. No more hurt, no more games or moments so filled with confusion that you lash out only to feel like a maniac afterwards. None of that. It would be nice. But I am a fighter so there is no easy way out for me.
He may never read this because he has no reason to. What is done is done and I seem to have the bad habbit of never shutting up. Especially now because of how overly emotional and fragile I am. I always thought that when a man really loves someone he would fight to keep that love. I still beleive that. I fought with all I had..but there was no battle. I fought alone..and here I am...alone.
The salt of my tears leave streams of sadness and regret all over my face. The hurt will lessen but the memory will never leave me. The feeling of loss will also lessen but yes..they will be there. The rings that I was planning to buy by the end of the year will never be bought and that special day will never come(it was supposed to be "spontaneous"). Dramatic..I know..but all of it true.
I love you Daland, and despite everything we put each other thru I hope that you fall in love again.
Still,
Mikey
Sunday, April 02, 2006
When Love Included Respect
There was a time when I had love and respect. I think I have love...but I know for sure there is no respect in my "relationship" with him. Breaking up doesn't mean you stop respecting each other. The worse part about this is that I am weak right now. I am falling for everything. Every excuse I am given I accept. I even have let many things slide. I have been here before. I am going to end up hating him.
Remember when love was innocent? I found these pics while going thru some old CD's and I must say they are the reason I cannot sleep tonight. I miss the boy in those pics....he is long gone now. I keep looking back to see what I did wrong. I can't see anything and it kills me..because I am not perfect but I just don't think I deserve this. My tears are relentless. This is a person I thought I would marry. Yes...marriage was on my mind. I replay our entire relationship in my brain over and over again because its all I have left. That is all I have.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
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