Catch Up

So my bday passed and as you can tell..i have been very busy. I celebrated my bday all weekend because I had a friend visit from out of town so we were out allll over the place. Also I now have 2 birthdays thanx to the people down at Social Security! My taxes wouldn't go thru because they kept saying my bday was wrong. Come to find out that it got switched in 1990 and they never switched it back. YET..they need for me to go to the SS office to change it because of Homeland Security. I find it odd that they can tell me that it was “changed” in 1990 but I have to go to them and change it. I was 11 years old in 1990. I obviously didn't change it. PS..I have been doing my taxes since 97! Makes no sense I tell ya.

Im still trying to get use to being single. I hate being single. I always have and never will like it. I am a relationship person and always have been. Im so not perfect but I try..I really do. I am extremely horny..but lonely too. So lonely..that I cannot even commit to a booty call. I just can't...it's much too soon. Trust and believe I have entertained the idea..but I keep thinking about him and how much I still love to have my way with him..and how his skin feels against mine. ::sigh:: Im still very much hurt.

I am very hopeful that someday we will get that second chance to do this again. Dating is hard and maybe we just need to see what its like so we can come back to each other with new respect and appreciation. Behind my hopefulness is a bit of reality. This may never work. We may never get back together. He...may find somebody better then me. And yes...I know that if that day ever comes I will be happy for him...but I may never talk to him again. At least if I feel the way I feel now. I love him with every ounce of my being. He will never and I mean never understand how much I love him. I don't even understand it sometimes.

Anyhoo..thats where my stinkin feelings are right about now. Other then that...I finally got hired at the damn temp job that I have been working at for the past year. I am making a considerable amount more AND I could be making even more by the summer. Niiice. Now I can catch up to my bills and finally be able to buy all the shit I didn't get for my bday.

The Day After

So my B Day is over but Im not thru celebrating. I really haven't begun. I am still a little under the weather so hopefully during the weekend I will get better and be able to enjoy the fact that I am a year older and still doing good. I know my blogs might have people beleiving otherwise..but honastly I am not down and out. I have had a rough few weeks...but I have had worse times and as a matter of fact...this time last year was a much harder time for me. So it's all good. As far as I am concerned this year is looking like it will be better then last year. I kinda lost myself these last 2 years.

Im not gonna say that it was due to my relationship because I had some great times and I learned a lot about myself. I now know that for my next relationship I will not tolerate certain things and I will also learn how to compromise better in certain areas. I would love to have another chance at making my prior relationship work. Its done now...but by my choice. Sometimes if you really love somebody..you just have to let go. Everything that is meant to be will come about one way or another. It bothers me yes...Im still in love with him. It bothers him too...we are very much still in love...but love is never enough. Relatiobships do not work on JUST love. It takes 2 whole people (and all of their shit!) to find a common ground in order to have a fair chance at having something that wil last. Its like a business. Trust me...it is.

Bla bla bla
Anyhoo...before any of that happens again..Im single and horny. lol
Watch out!!!

Happy Birthday To Me

I am officially not 26 anymore. Wierd. Birthdays seem to hit harder now that I am above 25. Anyhoo...I will make the best out of this 27th year of my life. What do I want for my B Day you ask? To be out of debt! lol

Dear Valentine.

I cry out these words so that I can let you read how I feel. Valentine, you have been so good to me and you have showed me how to handle a real relationship with care and respect. I watched you sacrifice a lot of yourself for me and I am aware of how selfish I have been with your kindness. Forgive me because I didn't know as much as you thought I did. All I knew was that I loved you and I wanted to keep you for myself. I suffocated you...I know I did..and I know that I hurt you...but I wanted you to stand up to me. I wanted you to show me that you loved me enough to put your foot down and make things right. Alas it didn't work. I have hardened you and suddenly I no longer have you.

Valentine...You have been the music in my soul that has sustained me thru many many hard times in my life. You have always been there to hold my hand thru any and every difficulty that came across my path and I thank you for being so brave. I am a lot to put up with and I know it had to have been damn near impossible to make it thru what I put out. "If I cryed a million times you must have died a million times from the pain." I am trying my best to not call you and tell you to come and lay in my arms. Your legs...I love your legs Valentine. I miss kissing them while you sleep...I miss your kiss before work and how Nina would lay inbetween us.

I will eventually hold onto "nothing"...but will forgive you for "everything."

I love you Valentine...I pray that if it is meant to be...we will continue "forever."


With all of my heart and soul...
Mikey

From Me To You

Im not sure if this has happened to many of you...but shit like this really happens. You ever have a friend that "likes" you more then your other friends do? If you have...let me tell you..that person is NOT your friend. That person is a nothing but an undercover predator waiting for the perfect oppurtunity to have thier way with you. Whether its just sex or an actual chance at a relationship these people will jump at the chance at being in a position bigger then the "friend" title.

These "friends" have their best interest in mind. Although they may be there to help you thru the rough times and will go out of their way to make sure you are out of harms way..they are doing it for themselves too. They think that by going the extra mile that you will eventually feel for them the way they feel for you. They will seldom ever try to have you think logically about any relationship problems you might have with somebody other then them. The possibility of them being un-biased is almost impossible. Why would they want you to be happy with somebody if isn't them?

This Blog is from Me To You...



Look behind your shoulder...

This Is Not A Poem.

Everyday I cry. It is a silent cry. Very non-intrusive to the people around me. My soul is bleeding the music that I have been blessed to hold for the past 2 years. I am trapped. Trapped by my own fears and emotions. Scared that every next step I take is going to be in the wrong direction. My worst fear of all is that I have been living a lie. A very Beautiful Lie. Speaking of which... I cant stop playing Melancholy Melodies by all of my favorite artists. Suddenly it becomes clear again that I have to take care of me and no matter how much somebody says they love me...actions overshadow words. Even though I have been let down by many promises of change, I have become that person that prays..i mean really prays...that change will come. During the prayers I see myself as this strong optimistic person..but when all is said and done I feel desperate.

I long for a love that reciprocates. I want that "you still drive me crazy after all these years" kind of love. I need that wild passionate kind of love that makes my heart drip like a candle. I want the kind of love that I can trust.......

Ex Factor

Sometimes in order to take a step forward it is necessary to take a step back to evaluate where you are now and where you should go next. I have this huge oppurtunity to change who I am.... The only thing holding me back is my insecure thoughts of my capabilities (or lack there of). I have been here before but this time is a more "grown up" feeling. Funny that at 26 I am having feelings I consider to be "grown."