Forgiveness

Two years ago was one of the best years of my life because it was one of the worst years of my life. That horrible time sparked a fire in me that put me on a rode of self discovery and has lead me to where I am today.  No need to bring up why my year was so hard because it was all documented on this blog and really...I am over it already.

However, I am bringing that year up because I received a phone call today (wed, Oct 29th) from a person I thought I may never hear from again. In 2006, I helped a friend (8 years of friendship) by giving him a place to live and at times, money to get thru the day. He was having a bad year as well and as a friend, I gave him a helping hand. He had some drug issues that he was working out but I didn't judge him for it. 

He ended up stealing my identity, taking all of the money out of my bank account and scoring thousands more in cash advances on credit cards that he opened under my name. He even stole a pair of limited edition sneakers as well. Thankfully I got everything squared away. All of my money was refunded by the bank, my credit was wiped clean within 90 days of my claims and I found my sneakers online via Spain (and yes I bought them again!). My year was already fucked up and that obviously didn't make it better.

Anyhoo, to get to the point, he called me today to apologize for what he did. He told me that he has been sober for 8 months and that he was in a program that has helped him discover God. He kept apologizing and wanted to send me money to make things better. I told him that I never lost money, I am fine, I don't need his money and that I forgave him many years ago. I continued by saying that I never held a grudge against him and I am glad he is on the right path.

I also told him that although I have forgiven him, am happy that he is sober and has a relationship with God....I take head to lessons learned therefore I have no room for him in my life. We can never be friends again.

He told me that I was very noble and that he feels privileged and blessed to have known a person like me. I take that as a great compliment, but I am only doing what I feel should be done. We love and support our close friends and family...and we should always forgive but never forget.

I wished him the best and we signed off.

I am still digesting it all, but I am happy with how I handled it.

Everything you put out will come back to you.

What do I love?

I don't quite know. One thing is for sure, I don't love photography. I have great potential to be good at it but it doesn't move me the way I thought it would. I am going thru some sort of inner crisis but there really is no time to give into it. I don't really have a 'dream.' Not sure if that makes sense. I have had a few, but I somehow end up losing my interest. Hard to explain.

Where does this leave photography in my life? Not sure. It is still an option and I could possibly change my mind when I start living like a normal person again.

I am also a bit lonely here. I don't need a man. I just don't really have friends here. I do have one, but we don't like the same things, so I find myself not going to places that I want to go to. I also had a few people that could not wait until I moved here so that they could hang out etc. They hang out..but not with me. However, I didn't come here to hang with them, I came for myself and if you know me, you know I am good with rejection.  

I miss working so much that I am willing to take a pay cut! I can also use the economy as an excuse. I don't even fully feel like I live here yet. It feels like I am on a break from Boston and my former living space.

I am also deathly skinny. Ugh 

I miss Nina (I cried in my rice thinking about her..lol).

It will all turn around tho. 

Mikey is still optimistic .

 

Don't do it

I was given some great advice by none other then John. I told him how I am basically holding myself back and that I am trying to understand why it is I am doing that to myself. He told me not to do it. Don't even try to psychoanalyze it. 

Really? 

My whole life I have built myself up by psychoanalyzing my thoughts and actions. I have done this to mold and shape the way that I am today. But with that small statement of his, I just realized that I am harming myself in the process. Easier said then done...but its a big statement. 

Self notes from my phone

Sitting in an au bon pan on broadway and w 3st with jazz music on. "We'll have manhattan and fire island too" lost in random thought. This place has so much to offer and I have some good elements around me but I am still in a funk. My drive is non existent right now and I hate it. All these months away from work have fucked up my drive.

I was thinking I would jump into art and do photography but I'm too lazy. If I did it now I would surely fuck it up. So I am going to do what I do best: work. I'm going to get a job or two, and I'm going to get in the zone. I need something that is going to keep me in check and put I'm in the position to schedule things again. I'm not the kind of person that does well without a schedule. I need one or I will get nothing done. Sad but true.

So, mikey is going to get a job and take it from there. One thing is for sure, I may not want to do this like I did it in boston, but I can use some of those elements.

13 Days

13 days ago I moved away from everything that I knew and landed in NYC.  All of my most important possessions were placed in many boxes, both big and small, loaded into a Uhaul truck and driven to my new home in Brooklyn. It was an emotional process for me being that I had lived in that apartment for the last 5 years. That place is legendary in my mind and heart. I grew so much there and although I am happy to be gone, I will miss it.

However, I didn't get to bring everything. One of the most important things was left behind: my baby girl, Nina. I got a lump in my throat just typing that. My new place doesn't accept dogs, so I left her in good hands until I can figure out how to bring her to me. She is my heart, my companion and one of the greatest loves of my life. I made sure to record our last walk on my phone and I watch it everyday. It brings me great joy. In due time and with much prayer, I will have my baby girl with me again. =)

I am still absorbing the fact that my life is completely different. I have gone on 3 dates since I moved here. Nothing serious, just meeting new people. So far, I seem continue to not have any luck here. During this moving process, I lost a lot of weight due to stress, so I have some self esteem issues to work out. I am sure my dates would have gone a little better had I been more confident and less shy. So, I will curb the dating until I feel good about myself. Nothing is worse then sitting in a restaurant wondering if you are going to look too skinny walking to the bathroom (causing you not to go to the bathroom). Not healthy.

Besides that mess, I have so much to do here. And you know what? I am very happy with my choice to move. This is one of the best things I could have done for myself. 

To everybody who got tired of me talking about this move for the last 2 years, I know you miss me. lol And I miss you too.

Much love to the people who helped make this move physically possible: Phea, China, Angel and Brandon. 

This is a new chapter and I need to remember to not do this the way I did it in Boston. 

I'm ready for my breakthrough...