Start.

I hit some huge emotional lows in the last 2 months and although I felt like shit, I didn't give up.  How does one give up anyways?  Does it end in something like suicide? Thats the only way I can see myself giving up.  Well, I am still alive and although the last few years have been filled with tall mountains and low valleys, I am in a great place right now.

I will wait awhile before I share all of that info, but I am exactly where I wanted to be when I first moved here.  However, everything happens for a reason and better late then never.

;)

To The Brim

I firmly believe that the life we all live is a result of our choices.  However, there are always those decisions, relationships, and people that you honestly believe are here to make your life better through joy and or success, but willfully end up putting you through the ringer.  As much as I want to just let it all out and cut a few people into shreds, I won't.  Thanks to a certain individual, I am learning quick that silence is just as much a dagger as any resentment filled tirade.

Clarity can be rather confusing and disheartening.

Not Defeated, Just A Little Worn.

Can you believe its been 3 years since I have moved to New York?  Time sure does fly.  Lately, I have been doing lots of mental assessments about my life.  I actually used to do it a lot in order to keep me in check and make sure that progress was always around the corner.  Well, I will be the first to admit that I have strayed away from doing so because I have fallen into quite a hole.  Its a lot going on that I no longer care to share with many people, if any.

Everybody has their own problems and really, I just don't feel like explaining all of my issues and getting that guilty feeling afterwards.  Vulnerability is such a beautiful thing when witnessed.  However, when I let my pain, my concerns and fears out for all to see, I feel like my value takes a hit! lol Generally, I think it takes such courage and strength to let it all out...as long as it comes from an honest place (Being vulnerable around people because you're needy, is tacky and opportunistic). 

What to do, what to do.  I'm looking at all of this as just the part that is "worse" before it gets better.  I'm sure I could have phrased that sentence better, but you get it.  I don't even feel as physically attractive anymore as well..haha! True though.  You know, it just happens sometimes.  When you're beaten down on the inside, the outside follows suit.  What makes all of this acceptable, is that I know this is just part of the journey.  Through all of this shit, I am picking up a lot of knowledge.. and my heart...my heart is so much bigger now.  

Although I feel lost, I know that whatever trail I am on, its just going to lead me back to me...back to being confident and happy.  Im not happy right now, but I will be.  

I will be great(er).

<3

Welcome..again.

If you are here and have been here before, then you know that this is a new domain name.  Some mothefucker bought my other domain name right from under me! It literally knocked my site offline!  Isn't that some rude/bold shit? Anyhoo, fuck that person.  Instead of IamMikeMilan.com, I am simply just MikeMilan.com.  Which is what it should have been from the start.  Whatevs.

As usual, I am still broke, slightly bitter and jaded-as-hell.  Again, whatevs.

Here is a pic of me looking either sexy, or creepy.  Totally up to you to decide.

Tears Won't Leave a Trace

My life lately has been disastrous.  Money, employment, relationship, health...you name it, everything is off track.  I spoke to my good friend Rob, and he put a lot of stuff into perspective (I love you Rob, I really do.  I cannot stress how important you are to my sanity).

Sometimes its no longer about what is right or wrong anymore, but rather if it even works.  Does the piece of the puzzle fit?  Something that seems so heinous to me, may seem very trivial to you.  Do I try to make you see things my way?  Or do I just accept you for who you are and just go on about my business?  Not every situation merits the same thought, but sometimes you really have to put your beliefs out there and let 'em know when something is wrong.  However, the older I get, the more I am letting people just be who they are and just accepting them.  Unfortunately, apart of letting people "be who they are", means that some have no room in my life.

Thats the part that hurts.  One day you may find yourself like me, and realize that somebody that you love so much, doesn't love you the way you need and deserve to be loved, and that its not your fault or theirs, but rather you are too different to work anymore.  I am in a very strange place right now...this may be the first time in years that I have actually felt lonely and completely misunderstood.  There are times where I honestly feel like I make so much sense, that I think I'm crazy.  Does that make sense?

Anyhoo, as usual, I will make it through.  Don't I always?

Control is a Reality

It is so easy to forget how much control you really have over your life.  I have been fully aware of this for a few years now, but the last 8 months have caught me off guard.  I have given far too much credit to other people for my shortcomings.  I have believed that other people have caused my pain and aggravation when really, it has been my lack of self control that has made me so bipolar-like and helpless.

Don't get me wrong, some of ya'll have been awful to me! lol But my reactions have been very poor.  I have been walking around on emotional autopilot. Been playing victim for awhile and its not a roll I play well, its fucking tiring and has gotten me nowhere.  Who wants to walk around feeling useless?  Seriously, I have felt so useless and insecure...for what?  It hasn't done shit but slow me down and water down my opportunities.

It feels good to be able to look back and dissect my actions and emotions.  Its never too late to take control.

Anyhoo, I just had to let that go.

xoxo

Hawaii Pics!

tons more pictures when you click on "read more.."

Potential?

I typed this out earlier on my phone...for myself.  However, I decided to share it since I haven't blogged here in awhile.

Where and when does potential begin and end? As a person who has been looked upon as having lots of it, I have been wondering where this said potential has gotten me. Did I ever have potential if I haven't grown? Am I just a regular person who appears to have potential but will never hit the mark....because I never had it to begin with?  Have I peaked too early?

I have been asking myself these questions lately because I feel like all of my talents and "potential" have taken a backseat to everything else in my life.  I also lose focus too easily and my rebound time is a bit questionable these days. As usual I think too damn much and I often interrupt my own flow. I feel like I have been in a creative rut for sometime. So as usual I question myself, not in a way that promotes discouragement, but to problem solve.  Bla bla bla

At the end of the day, potential isn't a dirty word.


DR Mike.

Love Takes No Prisoners.

A lot of time has passed since I have written something personal.  Something I have been thinking about lately is how difficult it is to accept change when you are in a relationship.  As a person who has lots of pride in who I am today (and how I have gotten myself from A to B and back)...its almost painful to change it for the sake of being in a relationship.  Mind you, I love my relationship, but it almost feels as if I don't love myself as much as I used to. Like I don't know who I am changing into next, because its not all up to me anymore.  I mean, it is, but when in a relationship, if you want it to work, you cant just do what you want...you have to be considerate.  Being considerate means being able to compromise.

That has to be the most profound 3 syllable word ever.  It sounds so good in theory, but it can be such a jagged little pill.  I know that I live in my head and I often get in my own way, but I know that this will never get easier.  Love, regardless of what you think you know about it, is not meant to be easy. It is always a work in progress, and it needs lots of attention.  Love takes no prisoners.

I am in a very weird place right now.

A Fetish for Fashion

On Feb 12, Folsom Street East presented its First Anual Fetish Fashion Show and Charity Auction, benefitting The Center: the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center.  Billboard Dance Number 1 artist, Sylvia Tosun, performed and hosted at the event.  Many of you may not know, but Sylvia was one of my bosses when I worked for a hotel in Manhattan.  She invited me as a VIP guest and I of course brought my camera to catch al of the action!

I hope you enjoy viewing the pictures as much as I enjoyed taking them! ;)

Lots more after the jump...

My 3rd Birthday in NYC

Here are some pics from my 3rd official Birthday in NYC.  Like last year, I had it at F-Word.  However, this year, F-Word is now at legendary nightclub Splash.  A good time was had by all!  As I glanced through the pictures, I noticed that there were LOTS of people I didn't get to photograph.  Either way, the general energy is in the pics. 

There are lots more pics after the jump.....