Thoughts While At Work

I typed this out at work.

I gotta think about getting better everyday. I have to be a better person. I am not where I want to be and I am not with whom I want to be with. Although I shouldn't be “with” anybody. I have nothing to offer right now. I believe in order to have a good relationship both parties have to have an equal amount of “stuff” to bring to each other. “Stuff” being everything that you have: Life experience, self worth/happiness and definitely money stability. Money can really hurt a relationship. Its beyond the materialism of money. It's the fact that you NEED money to live. You can be as optimistic as you like but the fact of the matter is if you live here in the US you better have some damn money to get by. Whether you work for it, get it for free or hustle…money is getting you by.

But yeah..there goes my money rant. I am 27 years old working at a job. A decent job that I like that can turn into a career..but not “the” job I should have. I think Im going to start hustling soon. Im gonna start getting into designing again and mix it up with my photography skills and do that on the side. Im also going to learn how to drive soon and try to take some kind of real-estate class so I can sell property. Can you imagine me selling houses? LOL Makes me laugh too! But yeah..Im good with people and it would be something nice to try.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately because I have been trying to find that internal switch to set off that makes me realize what I am supposed to do to get out of this rut. Im telling you man, your worst enemy is yourself. What people say doesn't matter at the end of the day. What we say to ourselves counts the most. We shouldn't believe other people..we should believe ourselves. I know..so much easier said then done. But it seems so true.

All these thoughts have come about these past few weeks because I am in search of emotional sanity. That sounds so much deeper then what it is! Lol I am technically doing fine. I am healthy I have a home and I have a pretty decent job and I still have my Nina. I just know that I can be a much better person and I am having a hard time trying to choose the right paths. Im getting there tho…..

Loud Pause

I just had a good workout and I feel great. My body is tight right now and I have just begun getting in shape. On my way out of the gym I was cruised by a very handsome gentleman. And as usual I looked like shit. Why do people feel its better to talk to me when Im unshaved and poorly dressed? It felt nice..but it made me realize that if I want to..I can really get to know him and go out on a date. Because I can. That made my stomach turn. I don't want to date.

Everything is just at this stand still man. So as I walked home feeling confused I had to sit down and compose this blog....

I hate being this way...feels like everything is so blurry now. It is true that I brought my own happiness to our relationship. I didn't need yours nor do I need it now but dammit I miss having you here. The hard part about not being with you is that I don't want to get over you. I don;t want to get you out of my life nor do I want to move on. I'm not "waiting" for that day when I cannot think about you. I don;t want to stop thinking about you.

I am not a cryer. I don't cave in to tears..not because I frown upon crying but because I think I cried enough growing up that I have very few tears left. Tonight I cried (damn James Blunt!{Goodbye My Lover}).

I am not sad. I am human and I am having some problems adjusting but I will be fine and I will learn some lessons. Everytime I think I have learned "the" lesson I learn another. So many lessons will come out of this. I know some of you are concerned (whether you tell me or not) but all is well. Well..not totally..obviously. But Im still Mikey.

Strippers, Non-Shopping and Self.

It has been a few weeks since I have posted..or at least 2..I dont know its really late dammit. I have had so much to blog about in the last few weeks but have not had the time to do so. I have to be in a certain mood to type whats going on in my brain. Its a lot. Its like a paint ball fight. Really. Lets see..At the beginning of the month I went to a strip club for my friends B-Day. It was a first for me. Well..first time being at a straight strip club. The women were very nice and they had great gaydar...yes..they were all over me.

In between the birthday girl screaming "Im a lesbian now!! wooo hooo!!!" and all of the perverted men in the audience, I realized I was having a great time. Strippers are awsome!!! I got the chance to chill with Andi Sue from Penthouse. She is officially (according to Penthouse..not me.) the sexiest Penthouse Pet ever. She took my glasses and rubbed in on her pussy...and put them back on my face. Im not gonna lie...my glasses smelled great afterwards...lol. She was very sweet and had a really small pussy...like unused. I think she gets off on being nekkid but doesnt have sex much. Then again what do I know? Im a fag.

On to other shit. I went thru a small phase of being broke last year and since then I have been a total fucking scrooge with my money. I finally have a little (very little) money to spend and yet I cant bring myself to buy anything new for myself. Ok...I got a pair of really nice Coach sneakers..but thats it. And they were cheap. PS I havent had new footwear since last summer. My clothes suck right about now...but I cant bring myself to buy anything new. Im afraid Im gonna get into fashion again and then lose my job and then I'll be that boy who has nice clothes but no home. Who wants that? I really have to work on not punishing myself. Money comes and goes....

On to more shit. Are you keeping up? Ok. Im still single. Im still not hapy about it. I have been going thru those tacky gay sites where u can meet people and possibly "hook up." I can't keep up with it. It's so wierd. I just can't get turned on anymore. I crave for one person only and I find that to be pointless right now. Yes I am talking about the X. Man I love him...but he treats me like shit now. Yes. We soeak often and exchange our love for each other almost daily...but there is still this HUGE gap in our communication. As usual he chooses to be blind except now that we are no longer official he REALLY drops the ball on A LOT of shit. Ever have that flakey friend who likes to make plans and then they don;t come thru? Thats him. ALL the time.

I figure he is just tired of me and doesn't know it yet..or he doesn't know how to communicate it to me. Either way it's chipping away at me and pretty soon I'll be in "I don't give a fuck mode." Which sux..cuz once I get there it's a done deal. I will not let "love" turn me into a fool again.

Whew!!!!

Vintage.

I was cleaning out my closet and came across a lot of shit I had forgotten about. I had no Idea I had written as much as I did. I must have over 100 pieces of poems and rants stacked in between 3 notebooks. Along with that were pictures that I thought I lost. That and my old clothes ranging from thug to raver. I miss my thug days but I cant do big clothes anymore. I have really changed throughout the years...I mean..lol..if you could read some of the shit I wrote! I was writing like a ghetto kid. Maybe I was...I dunno..maybe I still am..or not. Anyhoo..it was a blast going thru all of it. Here is a little something from a photo shoot I had when I was 21.


I wish I had the other photo's from that session. This guy and I got really fresh with each other and he was supposed to be "straight." He even had a girlfriend at the time. If you see him...tell him to holla!!! lol j/k