Still Nasty.

               

 

My friend wanted to do a shoot with my leash and I obliged. He was inspired by a pic that I took of myself awhile back. Its the picture of me in the doorway with a blindfold and chain (you can see it on the side of the blog along with some other of my fav self shots). After taking his pictures, I thought it would be scandalous to jump in the photo with him. In my mind, I thought it would look hotter, but it worked either way. 

Despite the sweat and closeness, we are JUST friends. No funny business. lol Serious.

And there you have it.

I was REALLY bored and up TOO late.

I was up way too late and created this mess. Hey, its better then one of those lip synching videos! lol

Warm it Up (with love)

Ok, I have to go on a music rant. I wont go all crazy or take up too much of your time. But, I have to take some time out to let you all know how GREAT Brandy's cd is. Seriously, this has to be the BEST cd I have listened to all year. My friend Rob said, "You have to be too young or have no taste in music to not like this." Although that may sound extreme, if you are a pop music fan, then this is essential.

In this album, Brandy sings her heart out. She is singing like I have never heard her sing before and I feel every last note. I really want her to win...I do. I want her to have that commercial success that she once had and deserves. However, if it compromises the work that she is putting out, I will have to be satisfied because this is GREAT music. When I play it, I can't help but to sing to it.

Don't sleep on Brandy. She is part of that rare 90's breed of R&B pop music that help shape what we hear today. She is a living legend and is still relevant to pop music. 

How is Brandy legendary? Because she also helped define music in the 90's and if she stopped making music today, she would always be remembered and covered. 

Do music a favor and pick up her cd.

I promise, you will appreciate it! I a practically begging you...lol

Seriously. Give great music a chance.

Fuck Up

Thats kind of what I am feeling like right now. I have been asked to do a few photo shoots and I have kind of ignored them all. Not intentionally...but Im scared. Such dumb shit. On a random note, I may have some photo's appear in Nylon Magazine. Nothing huge, they are doing a piece on my friend's salon and he asked me to take the pictures that will be included with the article. Fun stuff!

I don't feel like explaining myself anymore. Im just gonna have to get the ball rolling. My office reality has turned into a pipe dream, so I might as well get my artistic hustle on.

Here is a pic of me getting my model on for my friend, Paul's camera. It was at 14th st. It was proly like 4am. 

lol

Do I Look Crazy?

I was looking for a new profile pic because I am currently sporting facial hair. The one before this was pretty fresh faced with short hair. I now sport a beard and bigger hair. I was going to use this one but then after cropping it, I noticed that I look possessed. Its quite funny.

Hi!! lol

Better late then never...

These are the Halloween pics that I received a few days ago. It was a very fun night and there are many other pics but I look like a sweaty mess in them. lol

I think I may be Prince next year. Like, Purple Rain Prince.

Faith.

So I have been battling a small cold the last few days and I am so ready to get over it already. For the last few weeks I have been feeling a little stagnant with my life. Everyday I wake up, I feel like I am starting all over again. Just the whole job search and constant effort to keep busy. I am not complaining! I know people have it worse and I am fully aware of how good I have it, but I not one to be complacent. Plus, I really don't have that option. I can't be jobless forever and I need to have a steady set of friends (or one) to keep me sane. You know, like a partner in crime? Yes.

Being sick brings about a lot of thoughts and emotions. Some people may feel lonely because they would like to have somebody to take care of them or you can be like me and feel even more determined to take care of business when you are well again. However, this time around, I am not just more determined, but I am questioning my faith. Many people do not know that I grew up in a church setting and brought myself to Sunday School for many years. I even went to a church summer camp in Maine. I read the Bible often and I genuinely loved spending time at church. All of this was by my own design and not my family. I did this on my own.

Even more surprising is that I grew up in Christian Science. Its a very strict religion that does not believe in doctors or medicine (No its not Scientology). I won't give too many details about what the Christian Science Church stands for because I have fallen out of practice for about 10 years and I cannot do it any justice. But, feel free to Google it ;)

I read a passage in Science and Health because I wanted to have some food for my prayers. I was reminded that the very foundation of this religion is the belief in Jesus and God. Pretty simple, but it occurred to me that practicing Christian Science would be harder this time around because I may not have that strong faith anymore. I was raised to believe in God and Jesus, and that will always be in my heart, but I will acknowledge that I may be "tainted." I do not know exactly what I mean by that, but I am not the same little boy who prayed so effortlessly and wholeheartedly to God.  

I have some family members who are Christian Republicans that believe that I do not deserve to have the same rights as them and they pray to God too.

 

Things happen for a reason and I am sure I will have a better grip on my faith again. But for now, I am going to live my life loving my brothers and sisters with the respect they deserve. 

I could go on and on with this, but I would type myself in circles.  

Anyhoo, I still pray and I do so for my loved ones often.

Thanks for getting this far.

Experience?

I had a conversation with a friend earlier today about sexual experience and I have come to the conclusion that I am rather inexperienced. lol Wow. How horrible is that? Well..inexperienced for a gay man! Trust me, gay men are nasty freaks! We will do it all.

So, again...I am not innocent! But compared to many many people around me...I actually am. 

I feel kind of left out.

Not in love anymore

I had a conversation with my sister the other day and I came to the conclusion that I most likely will never fall in love again. And you know what? I am OK with that. There comes a certain feeling of freedom when you let go of that programmed thought of meeting your "soul mate." There is a hint of sadness..i think or maybe its disappointment. Not sure, but what I am sure of is that being in love isn't for everybody. So to understand and believe that, I fully understand that I am most likely going to be apart of that group of people that will not be married or have some kind of lifetime partner. 

I firmly believe that to love somebody the right way, to be in a relationship that will last, you need to be a whole person. You need to give yourself whole heartedly to the next person and surrender all that you have. You have to contribute to that person and vice versa. Although I am happy with who I am, I know that I have a long way to go and really, I am not getting any younger. 

So love is something I am sure will pass me by. I loved before, but it was short term and not meant to be. So, I at least know the joys of it. I also don't want children. So, yeah...I am letting it all go. I haven't felt lonely in close to 3 years now and I can't imagine why I would need to feel that way again. Been there done that.

On the flip side, I am not denying myself the joy and blessing of being in love with somebody, but I am not holding my breath.  Again, I believe in love, but I do not believe it is meant for everybody. Especially for me. 

I'll cross my fingers for you. ;)

New Hair

Yes, it is a rat tail. lol

Bus ride to CHANGE.

On Sunday, November 2nd, I took a bus from NYC to Boston to take part in one of the most important moments in my adult life. Although I live in Brooklyn, I am registered to vote in Boston. So, I knew that to have my voice, my views and my vote be heard, I would have to travel hundreds of miles to fill out a ballot. And I did just that.

On Tuesday, November 4th, I voted for change. I voted for my country. I voted for you and for me. I voted for Obama.

I am happy that not only my voice, but OUR voices have been heard. Our prayers have been answered and we now have a chance at building this great country back up. Are you ready America? Because I am. Remember, that Obama is human like you and I...and he cannot do this alone. We have to all live the change and be the change we need in this country.

This is a great day.

Thank you America, you always find a way to make me proud.

Mikey

Fuck Guitar Center!!!

As I was walking towards the Taco Bell by Union Square at 2:40ish AM, I walked by some guy with a bike, leaning against a storefront while peeing. I glanced at him and made brief eye contact and he screamed out, "Fuck Guitar Center!!!" I started to laugh and so did he and I threw up a peace sign and kept walking. It was worthy enough for me to name this post after that moment. However, I have nothing against Guitar's or the center in which they come from.

So I have had 2 phone interviews in the last 2 days and Im hoping to keep it going.  I have met some more people and I am hoping to add to my non existent circle of friends. PS, why do people who do drugs always assume (and they assume right) that I do not do drugs and exclude me from drug fueled activities? So odd that at this age, people still keep their drug binges away from me. No complaints! I was told by a few friends that there is an innocence about me that prevents some people from exposing their drug usage to me. I am drug free and have never done a hardcore drug before, but i don't judge and thankfully, I am not so innocent in other areas! lol

Today, I went to GNC and got some supplements for my gym workouts. I am REALLY insecure right about now. Its the same kind of insecurity I had when I finished high school and I realized I was pretty much an adult that weighed around 110 pounds. Not sexy. At all. I am not 110 pounds!! Thank you jeezus, but I feel like I am and I don't like it. I have done a lot of research and I found out that I am classified as a "hard gainer." Basically, it means that my body is different then your average body. I can't go to the gym and expect the same outcome as a normal person and I can't eat like a normal person and expect to maintain the same weight or gain anything.

My metabolism is insane and I have to work twice as hard to gain and keep the weight. I know, you probably think that would be fantastic if you had the same 'problem' that I have. You might think that way because you are fat. lol jk Seriously tho, if I don't over eat, I will look like Nicole Ritchie looked when she was too skinny. That is scary to me. It also makes me feel like less then a man to be so fucking small. Thats really the best way to describe it, feeling like less then a man. 

Anyhoo, I am going to Boston on Monday so that I can get up early on Tuesday and cast cast my vote for Obama. Exciting stuff! 

Oh yeah, Halloween was cute. I may have some pics up if I don't look too skinny. Yes, that is why there haven't been any pics of me lately.  

 

Forgiveness

Two years ago was one of the best years of my life because it was one of the worst years of my life. That horrible time sparked a fire in me that put me on a rode of self discovery and has lead me to where I am today.  No need to bring up why my year was so hard because it was all documented on this blog and really...I am over it already.

However, I am bringing that year up because I received a phone call today (wed, Oct 29th) from a person I thought I may never hear from again. In 2006, I helped a friend (8 years of friendship) by giving him a place to live and at times, money to get thru the day. He was having a bad year as well and as a friend, I gave him a helping hand. He had some drug issues that he was working out but I didn't judge him for it. 

He ended up stealing my identity, taking all of the money out of my bank account and scoring thousands more in cash advances on credit cards that he opened under my name. He even stole a pair of limited edition sneakers as well. Thankfully I got everything squared away. All of my money was refunded by the bank, my credit was wiped clean within 90 days of my claims and I found my sneakers online via Spain (and yes I bought them again!). My year was already fucked up and that obviously didn't make it better.

Anyhoo, to get to the point, he called me today to apologize for what he did. He told me that he has been sober for 8 months and that he was in a program that has helped him discover God. He kept apologizing and wanted to send me money to make things better. I told him that I never lost money, I am fine, I don't need his money and that I forgave him many years ago. I continued by saying that I never held a grudge against him and I am glad he is on the right path.

I also told him that although I have forgiven him, am happy that he is sober and has a relationship with God....I take head to lessons learned therefore I have no room for him in my life. We can never be friends again.

He told me that I was very noble and that he feels privileged and blessed to have known a person like me. I take that as a great compliment, but I am only doing what I feel should be done. We love and support our close friends and family...and we should always forgive but never forget.

I wished him the best and we signed off.

I am still digesting it all, but I am happy with how I handled it.

Everything you put out will come back to you.

What do I love?

I don't quite know. One thing is for sure, I don't love photography. I have great potential to be good at it but it doesn't move me the way I thought it would. I am going thru some sort of inner crisis but there really is no time to give into it. I don't really have a 'dream.' Not sure if that makes sense. I have had a few, but I somehow end up losing my interest. Hard to explain.

Where does this leave photography in my life? Not sure. It is still an option and I could possibly change my mind when I start living like a normal person again.

I am also a bit lonely here. I don't need a man. I just don't really have friends here. I do have one, but we don't like the same things, so I find myself not going to places that I want to go to. I also had a few people that could not wait until I moved here so that they could hang out etc. They hang out..but not with me. However, I didn't come here to hang with them, I came for myself and if you know me, you know I am good with rejection.  

I miss working so much that I am willing to take a pay cut! I can also use the economy as an excuse. I don't even fully feel like I live here yet. It feels like I am on a break from Boston and my former living space.

I am also deathly skinny. Ugh 

I miss Nina (I cried in my rice thinking about her..lol).

It will all turn around tho. 

Mikey is still optimistic .

 

Don't do it

I was given some great advice by none other then John. I told him how I am basically holding myself back and that I am trying to understand why it is I am doing that to myself. He told me not to do it. Don't even try to psychoanalyze it. 

Really? 

My whole life I have built myself up by psychoanalyzing my thoughts and actions. I have done this to mold and shape the way that I am today. But with that small statement of his, I just realized that I am harming myself in the process. Easier said then done...but its a big statement. 

Self notes from my phone

Sitting in an au bon pan on broadway and w 3st with jazz music on. "We'll have manhattan and fire island too" lost in random thought. This place has so much to offer and I have some good elements around me but I am still in a funk. My drive is non existent right now and I hate it. All these months away from work have fucked up my drive.

I was thinking I would jump into art and do photography but I'm too lazy. If I did it now I would surely fuck it up. So I am going to do what I do best: work. I'm going to get a job or two, and I'm going to get in the zone. I need something that is going to keep me in check and put I'm in the position to schedule things again. I'm not the kind of person that does well without a schedule. I need one or I will get nothing done. Sad but true.

So, mikey is going to get a job and take it from there. One thing is for sure, I may not want to do this like I did it in boston, but I can use some of those elements.

13 Days

13 days ago I moved away from everything that I knew and landed in NYC.  All of my most important possessions were placed in many boxes, both big and small, loaded into a Uhaul truck and driven to my new home in Brooklyn. It was an emotional process for me being that I had lived in that apartment for the last 5 years. That place is legendary in my mind and heart. I grew so much there and although I am happy to be gone, I will miss it.

However, I didn't get to bring everything. One of the most important things was left behind: my baby girl, Nina. I got a lump in my throat just typing that. My new place doesn't accept dogs, so I left her in good hands until I can figure out how to bring her to me. She is my heart, my companion and one of the greatest loves of my life. I made sure to record our last walk on my phone and I watch it everyday. It brings me great joy. In due time and with much prayer, I will have my baby girl with me again. =)

I am still absorbing the fact that my life is completely different. I have gone on 3 dates since I moved here. Nothing serious, just meeting new people. So far, I seem continue to not have any luck here. During this moving process, I lost a lot of weight due to stress, so I have some self esteem issues to work out. I am sure my dates would have gone a little better had I been more confident and less shy. So, I will curb the dating until I feel good about myself. Nothing is worse then sitting in a restaurant wondering if you are going to look too skinny walking to the bathroom (causing you not to go to the bathroom). Not healthy.

Besides that mess, I have so much to do here. And you know what? I am very happy with my choice to move. This is one of the best things I could have done for myself. 

To everybody who got tired of me talking about this move for the last 2 years, I know you miss me. lol And I miss you too.

Much love to the people who helped make this move physically possible: Phea, China, Angel and Brandon. 

This is a new chapter and I need to remember to not do this the way I did it in Boston. 

I'm ready for my breakthrough...

Come see me off...

I want to take a moment to say that God has really blessed me with the right friends. I may not have a lot of friends, but I have the ones that are supposed to be in my life and I couldn't ask for anything more. It is true that I am a tough person and that yes, I have done a lot without help, but no matter how tough and strong I am, I cannot do it all alone. There are moments when I do need help and thankfully, I have the right people to assist and guide me when I need it the most.


To all those who have contributed to my well being, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Big or small, you have made an impact in my life. My success is your success and my failures are lessons to be learned.

A lot has gone on in the last 2 weeks that I would like to blog, but I am tired tonight. I just needed to put those first 2 paragraphs out there.

((hugz))

Outside shots

Finally!! Some fucking outside shots for classwork. There were 2 other models, but I didn't do such a good job. So I am posting this one. This is Danielle, I posted her pictures before during my first High Key shoot. Incredibly fun and easy to work with.

^^^This was fun!

Photo binge

The pretty boy (Anthony) and the home boy (Angel) are my friends. I set up shoots with them and they came out pretty good. The shot with Anthony and the gold sneaker, crouched to the floor, is my best shot...like ever. The Guido guy was a model I took pics of for class. I Believe his name is Steve. He looks like the kind of guy who would have some hot skinny Italian bitch with him in front of a club. He had all kinds of beefcakeness going on. I would not be surprised if he has a tribal tattoo somewhere. Either way, I'd do him. lol I kid, I kid..well..kind of. lol

There was another model, skinny, blond and really fucking tall. But..she kept making "model" faces and she was red like a lobster. So I excluded her pics because she looked terrible. Yuck.

^^^Fantastic!!!!!

They Say...

When people look at my work they all have one statement in common: "You are so talented." Or they say, "You are gonna make it/ You are gonna blow up." etc. Although I really appreciate those opinions, I know that I feel differently. I am at such a low point right now. I know what it is because I have been here before. Its not me being depressed or sad (I am far from that), its me being overly frustrated and feeling extremely stagnant. You know, I have done a lot during this time of being unemployed but I feel like I could have done way more.

Well its too late and I can't turn back time, so I am just going to focus on moving forward. In the meantime, I have to get through this stage in my life. I had an amazing conversation with my friend John, and I told him about my insecurities with my photography. He really hit the nail on the head and told me that I need to own up to being a photographer and commit to my craft. He is so right. I have been tip toeing around my work because I lack a lot of technical skills. I really am deathly afraid of somebody calling me out and exposing me for being just some person with a camera and no real skills. lol

Its crazy how I keep myself from growing by injecting fear into my mind. Seriously, I do it to myself. I am the reason why I succeed and fail. I am my best ally and my worst enemy. Sure, there are other obstacles that I run into, but sometimes I aide that obstacle by not believing in myself. Its such an amazing thing to believe and to have faith in myself. When I am having a low moment, I often don't realize how much power I have over the situation.

Anyhoo, I decided that I am going to own up to my photography and I am aiming to be a photographers assistant so that I can continue to learn my craft. I am not in a rush to get paid for my work. So I think this will put me in the right direction.

-exhale-

September Blues

This is it. It is now September and I am supposed to be gone by the end of the month. I still don't have a place to live but I have a lot of faith and I am still determined. As I try to wrap up my life here, I seem to be facing some obstacles. Some are pretty important and others are simply out of my control. I do find myself to be extremely tired all the time, both emotionally and physically. There are some people in my life, one in particular, that has really run me down. I mean, this person has put me thru the ringer. I have been disrespected, disregarded, humiliated and in some cases I have felt used. That's what friends are for, right?

I sometimes get choked up when I think about leaving my dog. There was one time I let my uncle watch her for a week. He has 3 other dogs a cat and a bird. When she was dropped off, she was literally moping around for 3 days. I think it was because she was sad to be back and alone while everybody was at work. I think about that and wonder how it will be for her when I leave. My plan is to get myself situated to the NYC lifestyle, and get her back in a year.

Other then that, I am ready to go.

I am truly, truly tired...

More and more..

I am trying to get as much as possible out of the studio time. This is an acquaintance of mine that I have known for 11 damn years. Every photo of him was so good, I don't even know if I am posting the best pics. I originally wanted a high key shoot but realized that the pictures looked better with some shadowing.

I feel like high key shots look best with women. Just my opinion.

=)