Catching Up

I spent the entire summer working 12 hour days and barely enjoying one day off a week. Thank goodness for this season of True Blood!  I watched many people enjoy their summer by going on trips to the beach and wonderful travels around the world.  I want to put it out there that although riding bikes through Paris, dancing in Dublin, strolling through P-Town and overnight stays at Fire Island and the Hampton's would have made for a perfect summer, I was very content slaving away at the office.  This summer is what I have been looking forward to for almost 4 damn years.

Its called paying dues.

One of the many things that helps me define myself, is my work ethic (and determination).  Since moving to NYC, I felt like I was severely lacking in that department.  Finding work here was close to impossible, and when I was employed, it was usually a terrible dead end job.  I tried to fill that void when I created StreetWalkersNYC.com.  As much as I loved that site and all of the doors it was opening, my heart was never completely in it.  Honestly, it came 2 years too late.  Had I started it when I first moved here, it would have made more sense and the content would have been better.  I am still very proud of what it was and even the potential it had.  

I just couldn't physically keep up with what it was turning into.  The picture taking, editing, interviewing, video recording and just all of that...it just couldn't continue with a 9 to 5 full time job.  I never officially ended SWNYC, I just stopped doing it.  I have had some people ask me about it and if I am going to do it again, but I don't have a solid answer. I know that at some point I will find a way to bring it back to life, but I don't have time for it just yet.

It aint over.

I am now on Instagram!  If you want to see my life through random pictures of the city and plenty of dirty mirrored narcissism, you can find me by my username; MikeMilan215

Here is what you have been missing:

Oh, This and That...

My birthday was in February and lots has happened since then.  Of course, nothing drastic or extremely life changing, however, my birthday kind of ushered in the demise of 3 friendships.  One of them on actual bad terms.  The first two friendships ended were with people that I respect and still have love for, but our view on friendships differ way too much for me to entertain regular contact, if any at all.

The third friendship ended was a long time coming and kind of a lesson I may have already learned.  But, I guess everybody needs a refresher on when to let go.  Toxic relationships come in all forms, and although I have experienced toxic friends, this was the first time I felt trapped.  This person was really good at playing victim, and every time I felt I was ready to phase him out, he would go through some sort of life issue and I didn't want to look like that friend who left when things were tough.

Instead of "keeping it real", I actually did worse, I became a fake friend.  I probably haven't been a fake friend since I was a child, but back then, I knew no better.  This time I fucked up.  I should have turned my back last year, but I just kept looking for all the good, knowing it was outweighed by all the bad.  I'll eat this one up.  I'll be the bad guy. 

The 2 things that I regret about that situation are of course not ending the friendship sooner, but also that when I sent my last text message (a reply to a very rude, bizarre and inaccurate text message), I should have kept it 110% real.  Yes, my last message was factual, but the tone was far too nice.  But what is done is done...and the trash has been taken out.

With that being said, neither of those regrets can trump the feeling of not having such negativity and desperation in my life.  

Beyond that, I am fucking great.  Im working out more, I have gained some weight and I love life.

Flashback ;)

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The World Keeps Turning

Since moving to NYC, I have been desperately trying to find myself through many channels.  Art, photography, frequenting different social circles, severe networking (not that desperate clingy shit, though!), and creating a variety blog (streetwalkersnyc.com).  I have been pushed to my absolute limits here, and although I have been close to leaving, I haven't.  As beat down as I would get, I always knew that I would get it together.  It wasn't even a deep down in my gut kinda feeling, it was always right below the surface.  Im going to make it, Im going to succeed, Im going to be a fucking adult again.

However, in trying to get myself together, I lost myself.  I felt like I lost my independence, and my personality was suffering.  I became a very insecure person,  always broke, angry, I felt raggedy and very unattractive.  Even in my relationship I often felt like a bum for always having my bf pay for everything.  Even clothes for me to go on interviews! I have a lot of pride and have always been able to do everything for myself, so I have also been humbled here.

5 months after I moved here, I applied for a job very similar to my last job in Boston.  I had 2 interviews and they seemed to love me.  Shit, I even cut my platinum streaked rat tail off for these motherfuckers! I ended up not getting the job and it boggled my mind.  I was so perfect for that position and gave 2 great interviews....and nothing.  I was mad.  So mad, I never officially got over it.

It became somewhat of a chip on my shoulder.  I would think about my last job in Boston and I would just get annoyed with the fact that I couldn't have it here.  Well, after having quite a few shitty jobs and getting laid off this September, I hit a breaking point in November.  I was just feeling so low about myself.  All of my misfortune was not only putting me in severe debt, it was hurting my relationship as well.

One evening, I was laying in bed and ran across Kim Zolciak's Twitter profile and read her bio; "Ask, Believe, and Receive!"  I thought about it and decided that I was going to approach the next day with a new attitude.  The next morning, I woke up and decided to let all of my anguish go and just know and feel that everything was going to work out.  It didn't take long before I was set off and sent into an emotional frenzy.

After being set off, I started walking around the city, crying before attempting to go to the gym, and questioning where my life was heading. I then ran into somebody who I really respect (Joe Buffa), and had a small yet appropriate convo about my direction.  After the convo, I realized how much of a mess I was and immediately did a beeline home.  When I got home, I sat in my negative feelings and decided to take control again.

Thats the thing, when you are weak, even trying to think positive can seem futile..but its not.  You gotta really believe and KNOW that things WILL get better.  Diligence isn't just reserved for school or work, it needs to be applied to everyday life.  So I immediately went to the website of the job I wanted but didn't get.

Long story short, I sent a very courteous email saying who I was and that I was interested in applying again....6 days later, I started my first day. Slowly but surely, I am getting my life back to where it needs to be.  Did I need this particular job to get myself together? Absolutely not.  But it was part of a goal that I set and achieved.

Im sharing all of this because of 2 things; its my damn blog and this is what I do! lol And because I think its important to share this kind of energy.  The fact that my entire life was turned inside out and I was put through so much emotional and physical stress, and yet I never gave up.

Honestly, giving up just never seemed like a great option.

Although things are moving in the right direction, I have lots more shit to take care of and really, Im cool with it.

I'll get there. I know it.

PS Thank you Kim ;)