Ok, I get it. (revised)

What a year so far huh? Some damage control is in the works right about now because I need to have a smooth start into the next year. I have done pretty well with the whole "walowing" in my own self pitty shit. Or lack there of. I don't know if its because I refuse to sit around and feel like shit or if its because I'm just one numb motherfucker. Is motherfucker one word? It looks wrong...but whatever. You get it. As this year quickly progresses into its final days I am really proud of myself.

I have gone thru A LOT of horrid situations and yet Im still optomistic. I do have worries and I am still weary about a lot of things I am trying to accomplish in the near future...but thats human nature. Im ok, and I am going forward full steam ahead. I have made some serious mistakes this year and i have paid for them all...I really have. This time last year I was not any happier then I am now...I wont elaborate..no need to drag any names thru the mud. Me and my baby Nina are doing just fine right now and we are looking forward to starting a new life by the Spring. No need to put my plans out there anymore because I don't feel like talking about it anymore...I just want it to happen.

I am also not ready to date. This is a huge step for me because I have been making myself available all Summer yet I have said "no" a lot. Naturally I wanted somebody to fill the void of Libra (the ex) not to mention I'm a sex fiend. But it just doesn't feel right because in all honesty I am not completely over him and I dont want to be one of those guys that jumps into another relationship...thats just too many unresloved feelings. I don't need another person to validate the fact that I am a good man and that I am fully capable of loving. Its all in me and in due time somebody will reap the benefits of that fact.

But of course its bigger then the Ex Factor. The source of many of my emotional problems this year has been the realization that I had/have to change as a person. That is not an easy place to be when you are not used to being alone. But I am doing it. These past few weeks I have found myself seperating myself from the people around me. Not because I don't want them in my life but because my thoughts need my full attention. Does that make sense? It has been unintentional...I just started realizing this in these past few days when I started not picking up my phone. Sometimes keeping my mouth shut does me better. bleh.

So here I am..another new day and perfectly fine with doing it all on my own. No dates, no boyfriend, no ex-boyfriend and I am "relatively" celibate. lol

I think Mikey likes it.

That Shirt.

I had to do OT for work on Saturday and I of course was running late. The good thing about working on a Saturday is that you can wear whatever the hell you want. I decided to wear one of my favorite little black t-shirts that use to belong to my ex. I never gave it back to him when we separated. It looked so good on him and I am sure he would love to get it back. But he has A LOT more of my stuff so he would never ask for it back for fear I would ask for my shit back. LOL Same goes for me. He has this ONE very fitted black button up shirt of mine (that I would really like to wear again!) but of course I wont ask for it back because he will then ask me for his t-shirt back. I know it! Lol

Anyways, I was looking alllll over the place for this t-shirt and I couldn’t find it. I exhausted all of the places it could have been when I realized that I hadn’t seen it since before I went to NYC. My heart sank for a sec because I knew that they probably went to the same place my Adidas went to….. Need I say more? I was devastated for a few moments and I let it go. It’s a t-shirt, I have other memories, material and mental. As I was solemnly looking for something else to wear I found it! I found the tshirt. I then had an emotional moment..i just began smelling the shirt and started to cry a bit. It was very brief and I proceeded to put it on like I originally intended to. I decided to wear my snake skin shell toe Adidas and as I looked in the mirror I saw that the shirt didn’t match the sneaker. So after all of that mess I decided to wear a different shirt. I ended up looking pretty good that day.

Honestly, I am happy that I didn’t lose that shirt. Every time I put it on I think about him. Not obsessively and it’s not like I walk around wearing it like a badge…its just a thought that goes thru my brain about him wearing it on the train in NYC on a very hot summer night. It was 4 of us. Me, 2 of my best friends (ever) and my (ex) man in Manhattan. It’s definitely worth hanging on to. Not for me trying to hold onto him (at all), but for the memory of 3 very important people in my life all together having a great time and looking damn good.
It was very innocent then...I love those times and I am looking forward to more of those in the future.

On another note I ordered them Adidas. I refuse to let some fucking crack head take my shit and just have me sit around and sulk about it.


Hi.



The "Shirt."




My Adidas.

Too Damn Much

I am a busy person. I knew that I always had something to do but this has been ridiculous. I figured that staying away from NYC would help me live normally in Boston and that I would have all of the time to fix my room, feed myself, spend time with Nina and get back to me. I work 10 hours a day 4 days a week so during those 4 days I do close to nothing but eat sleep and work. The 3 days I have off I have been so busy with anything you can think of. Laundry, guests, bars, more guests, clubs and even boys. Yes...Mr...... Celibate has been not so celibate.

I still have not had sex since June but I have not been so innocent either. Not going to get into any details but I am responsible for my actions so I apparently need to work on my self control. As it stands right now, all of the fraud stuff is not completed. Still waiting for my bank and all of the creditors to get thru their investigations. That is a subject far too draining for me to get into.

I have been talking to a sweet guy from Chicago on the phone like 2 or 3 times a day everyday for the past month now. I have a huge crush on him and he has one on me too. I am going to visit him at the end of the month (hopefully) for a weekend. We are well aware of the fact that nothing is going to come out of this other then us being friends. Our lives and locations would not let us be what we could be...so its to just enjoy the little stuff we have now. Thas my babe right now...awwww. lol

On another note, my friendship with John has grown a bit as well. Lawd that boy is a clown. We actually speak a few times a day as well...it just never gets old. Its refreshing to know that there are still people out there that are about something. Even if his exterior is filled with fashion and shade...lol. He is a great guy and has a great boyfriend. I am so on their side. And when I say that I mean that I am happy to see 2 guys doing the best they can do to be together. No matter the distance or situation. Not that I have been here long enough to see "trouble," but I am optimistic for them. In a sense seeing their love reminds me of what I had but on a larger scale. It will take some time but I will get there...

Im feeling a bit pressured about money right now. Winter is coming and I need to buckle down and save save save so I can get the fuck out of this city. I played the lotto the other day lol. I obviously didn't win.

Thank God time is free....I need a lot of it.

Can you spare me some time?

Ok.

I spent the entire weekend alone and it felt good. I went out once with a friend because he was here from out of town. We went to a club/bar/restaurant(it has it all!) and got drunk. I met a cute (i think..i was drunk) guy there and we exchanged numbers. I assume nothing will come of that cuz it never does. Im proud of myself and this progress of mine. Sure I was bored, but who wouldn't be bored if they have spent every weekend this month in NYC? Its such a huge contrast.

I wasn't lonely at all and as a matter of fact I am really not in the position to feel that way. I am trying to remain celibate till the end of this year...so the less interaction the better. Im going to try and stay away from all of those cruisy sites that I have been going to and try to just focus on money, my body and moving. As always I will never deny my heart so if I for some odd reason I am blessed with the presence of a worthy person...I will do my thing. Till then I am going to focus on what lyes ahead.

Thanks to everybody for being so supportive in this shitty time of mine. If you read my last blog Im sure you will understand. But whatever...what can I do but just move on.

Its time for a new tattoo.



Mikey