Excited and Scared.

Those are 2 very accurate words to describe my present state of mind. Since I can remember, I have always had dreams of being some kind of an artist. Singer, dancer, comic book illustrator, photographer, poet, song writer and graphic designer. These are all of the area’s I have not only displayed interest in, but I have actually done on small scales. I am very fortunate to have been able to do such things as choreograph hip hop dances, create characters etc. However, we have all heard of the person who is the Jack of all trades but inevitable master of none. That is me. I have been aware of this for many years and I have been struggling with myself to figure just what I want to do with myself. I have spent many nights pondering and even crying (yes..lol) at the fact that I know I have so much talent and yet I am wasting it with all of my own self sabotage. All of this self doubt and procrastination has gotten me nowhere.

My last relationship was unfortunately a victim of my own insecure state of mind. This is proof that if you are not a whole person, you cannot bring what is necessary to a successful relationship. I have said this before but I love to reiterate it because so many people fool themselves by believing if they are in a relationship with a great person they will all of a sudden be “great” themselves. Fools! Lol

Anyhoo, as of right now I have decided to reach back and take a talent I started to form (but stopped) and cultivate it into something that I can stay with. What is important to know about me is that I am a multitasker and I will never be satisfied with doing just one thing. But I have to pace myself and start somewhere. What good is it for me to start all of these projects and never finish them? So I am going with photography. As you may have read, I have my new camera and I am looking to buy a starter lighting kit. I am truly excited about this new direction and I have a lot of visions that I want to bring to life. You cannot learn how to be an artist because you are born one. But I need the technical prowess to pull this one off. Cross your fingers because Mikey is impatient! Ha!

I haven’t been this excited and passionate about something since I started college. I never finished college because I realized I was so self taught in some areas that I became bored and I also should have been a Graphic Design major as opposed to a Multimedia major. So I am an art school drop out. Sexy huh? =P So that is the excitement factor.

The fear factor comes from the fact that I need to move. I don’t want to move, I need to move. I am done with Boston. I am very unhappy here and I am not the most liked person among my peers and honestly I don’t give a fuck. I am not better then them, but I am on some different shit that just confuses them and makes them think I am on a high horse. Not at all, I am very humble and downright shy at times. I am still in touch with that light inside of me that aspires to be a person that I can love and be proud of. I want to love myself. They….well…not sure where they are..but I doubt when they were growing up they wanted to be bitter, jaded and hateful. Yeah I said it. Trust me, who you are, is in your actions not your words.

My choice of location is NY, which is no secret. I am scared because I am starting this photography stuff and trying to move at the same time. Both are very costly and I have bills to pay! I am not afraid of the competition in NY nor am I afraid of not succeeding because those are not options. I am determined but am filled with fear because I have a love hate thing for change. A lot of it has to do with age too. Which is something I really need to let go. I feel like I should have done this a long time ago but I got caught up in being lost and trying to live a married life (not blaming this on my ex or the relationship!).

As you can see, I have much on my mind.

On a completely different note..I am going to see Amy Winehouse! yay!!!

Another Entry For You.

Silence is a very loud attack. You may think that constantly refraining from sharing your feelings is ok because "nothing" is being said. But the real truth comes from your actions and maybe..just maybe..if you could stop calling other people selfish you will see that your acts of "silence" are just that: Selfish. Your feelings in regard to a topic that clearly hurts somebody else is not something you keep to yourself without blindsiding and eventually hurting the next person.

go and run away from me and anything I say that takes you out of your fraudulent comfort zone. you think that by stringing me along that you are in some kind of safe zone because you have never known a person with such pure emotion and love for you. well love isn't enough. remember that saying?

you dont love me.

therefore my love runs very shallow for you.

you will feel it when you are thirsty.

this is your novel.

Hopeful

I got my first review at my job today. I have been here for 2 years now but I was a temp for the first year. My review was pretty impressive. I was basically told that I have pretty much exceeded my position and that I should start looking for another position within the company that will challenge and pay me more. It feels good to be recognized. I show up to work everyday and bang out all of my projects. I have done close to everything possible and I have done it all well while multitasking.

So my supervisor is going to help me move up in the company, which makes me happier to go to work everyday. For a while I was getting slow at work because I was just so unchallenged and straight up bored. This is a great step in the right direction.

I bought that fuckin camera! It cost me A LOT of money but dammit!!! This is only going to help me. I have some ideas for projects lined up and I am so stoked! My motivation right now is "unconventional beauty." We are so trained to see why models are gorgeous: conventional good looks. You cant deny it. Tall, thin and beautifully structured faces are attractive. You may not want to date it..but you cant call somebody like Versace model ugly. However there is a certain beauty that we can find in somebody totally unconventional. We just don't notice it..because it is different. This is what I want to showcase. This blog will be blessed with my work once it happens.

I have a new musical obsession: Amy Winehouse. I usually don't care for artists from overseas who try to tackle American soul/R&B music. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. However, Ms. Winehouse is the real deal. Im not even going to do a bio because you will be hearing about her soon if you haven't already.

"We only said good-bye with words

I died a hundred times

You go back to her

And I go back to.....I go back to us"



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPajJXYwMKA

Amy Winehouse - Back to Black, In stores Tuesday, March 13th. Consider it a musical investment.

Im Bi

Ha! Or not. Check it out, I peeped this on another blog and thought I would follow suit.
Feel free to share your results.

http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/G/gayometer/gayometer.html

Hmmm...I thought I would be like 80% gay.

Enjoy.

If You Love Mikey...

You will help me buy this camera. lol
Canon Powershot S3 is my new obsession. I see it as being a great transition camera from point and click, to an SLR (a "pro" camera).



It takes videos and you can detach the lens and use a different one. Nice.

Fashion, Update and Strep.

My online friends may not know this(because I am nekkid everywhere), but I am heavily into clothes and fashion. I am not the type to follow trends and go with what is in this season. Not at all. If anything I want something from last season, this season and whatever "Mikey" fashion staple I have around me. I love to mix fashion up. What we wear should be a statement about our character. It may not be what we are on the surface..but how we want to be portrayed and or how we are in our minds. It is many things..but one thing is for sure...our style comes from within.

I am a t-shirt and jeans kinda guy. I have all different kinds of Black T's and distressed looking jeans. I tend to blend those with busy sneakers and whatever accessory works for the moment. This year I am looking for a more expensive look. How I am going to achieve that is beyond me. lol I am broke and I plan on making a big move. But somehow someway I will get what I want. I am determined. Grrrrr

An update on my previous blog:

I finally spoke to the person that brought all of the chit chatter to my attention and he clarified a lot of things. Things aren't as bad as they seemed. This is a lesson I have learned before but that I preach about all the time: "If you give people part of the story..they will make up the rest." Its not fair on both ends. So if you have something to say, say it right and don't hold back.

Also, I was pre-diagnosed with Mono on Tuesday. Yes, MONO. Who the hell gets that anyways?? Apparently somebody like me. I fell ill at work and went to my doctor where he did a Strep test that came back neg. So he then continued to take ALL of my blood for the mono test. I came home and did all this research and was completely devested at what I read. Look it up...its not cute. So yeah, the doctor then gives me a call the following day and says that I came out neg. for mono and pos for Strep. Oddly enough that was the best news I could hear at that moment. I actually prayed for some kind of miracle and cried myself to sleep the night before(poor Nina!), so I feel like my prayers were answered.

Now all I need is for somebody to bring me some damn soup!

Still Going.

Things are at a small breaking point. Now that my birthday has passed I am making the right moves to get my finances in check. I am in debt but not by much. However, I need as much as I can get if I want to move this year. Its coming together slowly but surely...baby steps!

It has come to my attention that some of the people that I enjoy surrounding myself with may or may not be saying some not so nice things about me. Don't you hate that? The one person who brought it up decided to conveniently make himself totally unavailable. Therefore I have no details on who said what and exactly why. I could go to the parties that are involved but that might make me look a little tacky and desperate..so I will keep my mouth shut and refrain from interacting with these people. Not sure if that is the best thing to do but that is how I react to negativity. I walk away and press on.

Honestly..it is confusing to me..but I have no control over these things. I am myself and that's all I have to offer. If people have words to say behind my back I see that as them having a problem. If you have a problem...be a man and say what's on ur mind. If that's not how u deal with things..thats fine. I am not offended...but I don't want to be around that kind of a person(people).

I have a lot to say on this subject but really...who cares? And why make myself sound like a victim?

I'm just fine.