Decent Monday

Today was quite a day. I started off my day with a new breakfast. Yup. No more Toaster Stroodles. As good as they taste..if I eat another one Im gonna hurl all over the place. I knew it was time for a new breakfast when I was slowly but surely throwing more of my Stroodle away every morning. I was practically heating it up to throw it away. I decided to go for a bagel, cream cheese and a diced up apple. It was very filling and felt good in my system. I was in a good mood after that.

When I got on the train this morning I saw a very familiar face but wasn't sure where I know him from. It was an old friend from back in the day that I havent seen in years. He called me over and we spoke for a bit. His teeth were dark. lol Sorry...I pay attention to shit like that. Anyhoo he was still a gorgeous boy (man now) and still just as trendy. Very attractive brown skin Cambodian with a very lean body. His hair was great too and he had on really nice glasses. A very sweet guy and always considerate. I was really wondering why we didnt keep contact. I felt like I had missed out on some great years we could have bonded thru.

You know when you see somebody you havent seen for awhile and when you see them they look great and are doing great you just kinda think like...man...can your good fortune rub off on me?? I had one of those moments. I asked him what he does now and he mumbled something about optometrist (man i chopped that spelling up)and an office. I was very impressed. As we talked some more I asked him where he worked and if he gave out prescritions or did eye exams. He said he takes the "patients orders" and sells them glasses. He then told me he worked at a store.

It almost looked like he didnt want to tell me that for some odd reason. It was strange for me..but I went a long with it anyways. We got off at the same stop and gave each other a hug and walked in completely different directions. As I walked up the stairs I turned around and saw him still walking, I realized at that moment why I didn't keep in contact with him anymore. He was a notorious liar. I really forgot. He was the type of liar that would just tell you some really bad ones. Ugh. Tacky lies. Lies about being invited to parties and shit...parties that didnt exist. Mess. I want to go to his store and tell him to grow up...but for what?

I decided today that Im going to look into photography. I have been doing it for many years and I love it. I just never put 2 and 2 together. So I am going to go for it and do research and hopefully find myself taking some classes. Im so sleepy.
I'll let my self pics do the talking....

Boys and Girls

So I have never had a shortage of friends of the female sex. Im gay and pretty...they love that shit. I have one real female friend. She know's who she is and Im pretty sure if she reads this she won't question it at all. As many girls out there that want to capitalize on my gayness to fuel their collection of friends, I don't care for it. Im not your typical gay that you see on TV or even at the clubs. Am I complaining? No. Those kinds of gays really exist and they exist in HUGE numbers, so it's ok if I am confused with them. However that I am not. I am not that good at picking out womens clothes nor am I hip to hanbags. Are handbags purses? I dont know.

Im pretty in my own way because it is natural. Its in the way that I carry myself. Trust me..I love to wear dirty jeans that smell like old skool denim. Not only do jeans look great when they are dirty but they fit so well. I like cheap t-shirts and my face is seldom shaved and my hair is big and crazy. So sorry ladies I am not that kind of gay. This becomes eveident when you bring me to a womens store. I cringe at ladies departments and especially nail salons. Ugh....so gross.

I preffer male friends. I don't have many if any at all actually. I have some acquaintances (did i spell that right? o well) out of state...hmm..maybe some I can speak to about what is going on in my life...but none that I can really say I keep in contact with that would really qualify as somebody I can count on. I don't understand how males (gay or straight) could preffer females friends over male friends. I have had many of both and as fem as I am I just can't fully relate to a woman. I don't watch sports nor do I like that thug shit..but I connect more with the male mentality.

In short I need more male friends and the one female friend I have I am completely satisfied with. I will welcome some female friends but they have to not want to use me as a fashion know it all because I get confused just dressing myself sometimes..and all I wear all t-shirts and jeans. So yeah...wanna be my friend?

So Far So Good

This has been a pretty good week. Other then my going off on the previous post I really don't have shit to talk about. Been getting to know some people I would like to actually be friends with. Im healthy, employed and getting focused on what I need to do to get thru obstacles that present themselves. Too many times have I told myself that I need to "do what I got to do" to get by. I can't think like that anymore. Who wants to just get by? I want to get thru. This is not Mary inspired..its just where I am at. Feel me?

Today Snowed.

This is me walking to work. My camera was drenched.

Little Something About Girl Groups in the 90's

Lets talk about girl groups. Wait...lets talk about the decade that gave us some of the best girl groups ever. Let us talk about girl groups in the 90's shall we? This was the decade that seemed to refine what we already had in the past. Beautiful voices, beautiful women and beautiful music were mixed in with all different types of fashion, rappers, social awareness and women who actually helped write and produce. What we had in the past for the most part were beautiful voices, great producers and music companys with money. We still have that...but the actual artist is now involved outside of the vocal booth now. Well...if they are smart.

We had Salt N' Pepa (although starting in the 80's) TLC, Xscape, SWV, En Vogue, Spice Girls and Destiny's Child all in one decade! Honorable mention going to 702...you have to see them live to know what Im talking about. Each of those groups were extremely important in more ways then just making music that we loved or hated.

The biggest and most important groups (in my opinion of course...) to come out of the 90's were: TLC, Spice Girls and Destiny's Child. I know what you're saying..."Spice Girls!!??" Yes...them. Don't let the media fool you (or the Knowles) the biggest selling female group of all time is the Spice Girls. With just 3 CD's they sold 45 million worldwide. That does not include 30 million singles sold. Put all that together and they have sold 75 million CD's. Plus they sold 7 million CD's worldwide in the first two week release of Spice World. They also wrote all of their music too...which is why they are all still filthy fucking rich.

TLC has sold 45 million CD's worldwide. With the release of Crazy Sexy Cool, they are one of the very few artist to have an album go diamond (10 million sold). I beleive that if Left Eye didn't pass away so soon that they would have sold way more. To support that I have to add that with only 2 videos released from Fan Mail (the last album they had with her alive), with their 3rd album, they sold 6 million CD's in the U.S. alone. I don't have the worldwide figures for that CD. TLC has released 4 Albums.

Destiny's Child sold 47 million CD's worldwide (although it might be advertised as 63 because Sony and the Knowels keeps adding Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle's solo CD's to the groups numbers) with 4 Albums and 1 Xmas album. This group spawned one of the biggest stars we have out right now: Beyonce. Yes they sold a lot as well and yes they made some good music and yes I own all of their CD's (besides the number ones....which only has like 4 real numer one songs) but to ME they are the group that reminded us that all it can take is ONE person and a bit of scandal to make a group blow up.

Out of those 3 groups I favor TLC the most. TLC had a little bit of everything in their group. 3 very different girls with completely different talents and sound that blended so well toghether and even pushed for social awareness and change. All 3 of these groups have one major thing in common. The loss of a member (3 for Destiny's Child). First off was the Spice Girls Gerri Haliwell AKA Ginger Spice. Honestly...even though they were still popular and still selling millions...they were not the same. This was evident when they came out with "Forever." It flopped in comparison to their first 2 CD's and the group really seemed to be missing something in their videos for that CD.

Second was Destiny's Child. They in total booted 3 members from the group and released 2 more succesful CD's with a new line up. I thought that was scary. The biggest selling group of all time had 5 members and losing ONE of them hurt them. How could a group with 4 members lose 3 members and gain one and only get better? Thats not a group to me...thats a business. A family business.

Third was TLC. This is the saddest situation of them all because one of the members actually passed away. When Left Eye died we all knew that TLC was done for. Why? Because it was a real group that depended on ALL of the members talents to exist. Sadly enough we were right. Their 4th CD did poorly in comparison to their previous albums and despite their reality show to locate a girl to help them release a new single and do a last(?) performance as a group, it was not enough...and it will never be enough.

We are not gonna have another 90's girl group era for a long time.


Spice Girls


Destiny's Child


TLC

Happy Belated Birthday..

..to Aaliyah Dana Haughton.
Born January 16, 1979.



She would have been 27 this year but instead she is timeless.

The song titles "One In A Million" and "More Then A Woman" couldn't describe her any better. It always takes an artist like Aaliyah to start a new sound for a genre of music. Never was she a huge star like Beyonce or Ashanti (yuck), but she helped change the sound of R&B before they came out. One In A Million marked the explosian of double beats in R&B music that had some radio DJ's scratching their heads with the fact that they had a hot track....but didn't know how to mix it in with the "other" music they had. Good music always prevails one way or another and tracks like "4 Page Letter," "Hot Like Fire" and of course "One In A Million" changed the direction of black music forever. How did this happen? This was the official unveiling of Timbaland and Missy's off the hook sound (that everybody wanted AFTERwards).

While first getting their feet wet with Jodeci, the duo created a different sound that landed in Aaliyah's lap. Had it been another R&B star this might not have happened. However she wanted a change from her first album and took a chance. That chance paid off and that album is a bonafide classic and must have for your R&B collection. She was on her way to being a big star but unfortunately she passed away and left many of us with feelings of "what could have happened next?" But for me what was supposed to happen already happened. Anybody can be a big star with the right gimmick or right talent at the right time....but can we all change something as big as music?

Thank you Aaliyah for taking a chance.

Back 2 Work

I have had 4 days off and it's going to be hard getting into that work spirit. Can't wait for the weekend already. Im looking forward to a regular week. Not looking for anything extra. Im trying to take a regular week and make it as productive as possible. I was supposed to have a friend from out of town visit but I think Im a little worn out with guest right now.

I had extended my home to other people and they took it for granted so I would rather not have anybody over right now. Just trying to make sure I don't make the same mistakes this year as I did last year. Not that this guest is guilty of any of that...but people change and Im not sure who I want to share my space with anymore. Bleh.

My BDay is coming up next month and I have started to make plans with a friend of mine in NY for the weekend following my Bday. Not sure how that will work because we seldom talk..but he's kool and it would be nice to do something different for a change. Anyhoo...I have to go to bed.

Today is Cold!

Its cold dammit! Even in my house my feet are cold! There is so nothing to do here anyways...its like a double dose of nothingness. Too cold to do anything yet aint shit to do. I am unhappy with the amount of time I spend in front of my PC. There just has to be something else to do with my time. Im just wasting my life away on MySpace and AOL.

The last 2 weeks I notice that a friend of mine that I (use) to call a lot seems to not pick up my calls as often nor does he seem to be enthused whenever we talk...unless we talk about him. I understand things are difficult in his life right now so I won't take it personal. Seems like he is on a changing mode and might be phasing people out.... I dont know. Its whatever. I want people to like me around and regardless of how close we are ..if Im not needed it's all good. Plus you ever just look at somebody one day and just not know who they are anymore? Im on social mode and we'll just have to catch up on a later date.

I have high standards for my friends which keeps me from hanging out with a lot of people. I will seperate my idea of friends and aquaintances because I need to be OUT.

When the weather permits...lol


O my..Im watching Next on MTV and this girl just nexted a guy for being vegan and he said "At least my shit don't stink..." to which she replied "Whatever..I have a bowl of chicken..." LOL Sorry I just had to add that.

Anyhoo back to being bored.



I was bored enough to tag myself...

New Things

Im going to try new things this year starting with Kickboxing. I was looking for regular boxing classes but Kickboxing classes are closer to where I live..lol. To be good at kickboxing one must be in good shape and be mentally focused. Its a great combo that Im wiling to try. Im gonna stop by the class tomorow to get more info. Im so excited I took these pics..lol.







Wanna fight?

Not a Pretender

Its too late in the game to feel sad. That is what I just said to myself...out of nowhere. I have been surrounded by many problems these past few weeks. My sister is going thru a very personal crisis and has called me sobbing over some really vile shit. I wont get into that. I have been havng my own problems with my significant other, and 2 of my good friends seem to be in the company of drugs lately. I am leaving a lot of details out but its really not worth mentioning. Everybody has their moment... good or bad.

I am going to enjoy myself regardless of what is going on around me. Im going to practice letting go of negative feelings because I have too much to do with "self" right now. I am developing these awful pains in my hands and forearms which is most likely carpal tunnel syndrome. It hurt to jerk off the other day!!! lol But what can I do? I have to get better. No other choice.

I love myself and I love my life. Am I happy? No. But im not miserable and I look forward to being happy...some day. lol Happiness is so what you make it. Im happy when I drink my 3 dollar protien shake and Im happy when I make the right decisions...like buying my 3 dollar protein drink. Everything really adds up and maybe I need to START looking at what is right with me. I am one difficut muthafucka...but I am loved and I love others who love me.

I know this is out of left field for me but so what. This is my moment and I want to share it. Aaoowww!!



My sister Ivette. See the resemblance?

People, Healthy Food and Music by Res.

Not available. Seems everybody is busy with their own stuff right now and I aint mad at it. I got some stuff to take care of too so its all good. It makes me see how isolated I am. All it takes is about 2 people to pause my socializing. That sux man. That’s too much power to give so few people but it’s the price you pay for not trusting people for getting burned by other people. I need a new strategy because this is still technically putting all my eggs in one basket. I have such a love hate relationship with people…its ridiculous. RIDICULOUS!! Lol I love screamin that shit..I think I got it from Harry Potter. Well that’s all im gonna say about that shit…cuz what else is there to say? I need more friends biatch! You love it.

My job has been abusive lately. Since its so f-ing busy they have taken our 1 hour breaks down to 30 minutes for the past 3 weeks and I have had to settle for Subway and Au Bon Pain becaue I don't have enough time to run to BK or the food court. Its like im on a fucking diet…Im so full of healthy shit I feel like Im gonna get sick. That healthy shit is the worse man..it’s so expensive and it doesn’t even fill me up. I have a headache just talking about it. Its prolly cuz I’m still hungry.

Im listening to a Res song. I feel like whoever writes her music just takes the emotions from my soul and turns it into beautiful words and melodies that speak to my heart. Im listening to "Miracles" from the Maid in Manhatan Soundtrack. If you don't know about Res I have a link to her MySpace page. It has new material on it that isnt released but you can always cop her first CD "How I Do." Its the kind of album that is an investment. It is part of the soundtrack of my life.........


The woman who turns my emotions into music: Res

Boston + Winter = Funeral

Thats right kiddies, Boston is like a big funeral all winter. Sexy aint it? This weekend was extremely long and I don't think I verbally spoke to anybody. Well not totally but I don't remember having more then 3 convo's all lasting 5 minutes or less. The usual suspects were pretty much out of reach this weekend and I made use of my room. I cleaned it, took a nap in it and watched TV too!

I have a lot of things to accomplish this year and on this 8th day I feel like I havent done anything. But it has only been 8 days! I started 2 things already: gym (physical fitness) and a small plan to get my credit (monetary fitness?) together. I am usually not trusting of other people unless they are in my very small circle. Recently I feel like my circle has been tainted and I just can' put my finger on it. So...Im just going to keep it moving. What else can I do?

Is it bad to not care for anybody anymore? Am I that damaged that when people are intentionally unavailable to me I find them to be disposable? Was I that lonely as a child that I have no imediate fear of cutting everything off? I ask myself these questions a lot because I wish I were not like this. I hate to admit this but I am not happy. I hate being unhappy at the begining of the year because it just really drags the winter. My B-day is coming up soon and since it looks like I am about to be newly single (insert sad face) I have to find something to cover up the humiliating and very hurtful Bday I had last year. Anyhoo....it is what it is right? Im use to all this...so don't worry I am not going to jump off a bridge. Im just going to get stronger and get all of this out of the way.

What else am I gonna do? I have to be a babe for the summer dammit! There's a lot of work to do..chop chop!

One of my resolutions was to meet people in different places and actually have friends to call. I think my phone only knows how to dial 3 numbers. Seriously my phone rang about 4 times this weekend and it was from 2 people. Just think...you might get the chance to have a moody muthafucka like me as a friend this year!! Aaaooow!

Back To The Grind

Today was the first time I have been to the gym in 2 months. 2 months is long in fitness time. I am so skinny right now its rediculous but dammit my stomach is niiiice. No six pack but its flat and that it has not been in a long time. There were a lot of cuties at the gym and I had to control my eyes from wandering. Seeing hot guys at the gym is different then seeing them on the street. When I see them at the gym it motivates me...and sometimes makes my mouth water..but what can I say...my mind is a whore. Seeing hot guys on the street just adds to the scenery.

So I have been on this quest for physical stability for quite some time now and my personal expectations change year to year. Sometimes I want to be thick, other times I want to be lean. I have been ok with being thin (which I usually loath) and have actually thought about just staying thin and developing a nice lean physique. I guess it would make more sense since I am naturally a skinny bastard but don't we always want to be what we're not supposed to be? Is it not motivating to be what you want to be as opposed to what you're supposed to be? Who wants to bow down destiny dammit?

So while I was changing in the locker room I saw this beautiful thug looking latin man with just "everything." When I say "everything" I mean the total physical package: Strong facial features (jawline, chin etc.) thick legs and bootage (he was in his draws) and everything else was juuuust right. I noticed all this in a bout 2 seconds of viewing...LOL. C'mon..being small and pretty at the gym can get u in trouble for peeking... so you best beleive Im a pro at seeing what I gotta see. ::wink wink::

Those 2 seconds and the extra time I spent peeking while watching him walk away, has inspired me to try to be thick again. lol Mess. I spent 21 to 23 being thick and I loved it. I am 26 (27 on feb 15th) now and I have gone from normal to thin since then. I like to wear more fitted clothes now so I guess it would make more sense to fill those clothes out. I used to look like quite the young thug at one point. It was cute on me...but Im changing and my clothes are changing with me.

So yeah...I am now on my quest to be thick again! woo hoo to bootage!!

Here are a few pics from the years when I was "thick." Being that Im wearing my clothes in these pics you will have to go by my arms and face. It was much more full back then...


Sexy man..yummz.

Im So Bored.

This is me. How fun do I look right now?


Exactly.

Brokeback Mountain

If you plan to see this movie do not read this. Im gonna spill it all out because I can't hold it in anymore! I saw this movie twice back to back. I saw it on Sunday and then on Monday. I went twice because the first time I saw it I was alone and I had to see it with somebody else the second day so that I could share the beauty of this masterpiece. Don't get me wrong, its not the best movie I have ever seen, but it is damn close to it. Its basically a story of 2 young cowboys who meet each other at a somewhat job interview for some sheep hearding job. Being that they are the only ones that show up they get the job and start it the very next morning. Their job is basically to watch the sheep on Brokeback Mountain so that predators don't kill them. They have to do this for the whole summer and in 1963 there were no sidekicks, ipods or gameboys so you can imagine how that shit could be. As time goes by and they get to know each other a bit more, they begin to have this best friend type of chemistry. I honestly beleive they were both gay the whole time, but Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) seemed to be dying to come out of his shell.

As a matter of fact if it wasnt for Jack this story never would have taken place. Enis Delmar (Heath Ledger) was one of them men that prolly would be curious till the day he died if there wasnt any intervention. One night after getting pissy drunk (what else would they do?) they end up sleeping next to each other and in the middle of the night the sparks unexpectedly went off. It was a dramatic sex scene...not too graphic...but it was enough. After that night they pretty much gave into temptation. Enis said that this a "one shot deal," and also said "I aint queer" meaning I aint no fag but I'll fuck you up the ass while there aint nobody else around. Sounds like a jail story huh? Anyhoo, by the time they leave Brokeback Mountain they have built quite a bond that niether of them would dare admit.

Four years later, both married with children, they end up meeting up again and start sneaking behind their wives backs so that they can relive what they had on the mountain. It was love. It really was..but Enis would not let it go further then their rendevouz because he didnt want to break up his family. Which ended up happeneing anyways because his wife knew the whole time. Their love affair went on for about 20 years. The last time they saw each other Jack let Enis know that he is pretty much at the end of his rope and that he misses Enis so much sometimes he doesnt know what to do with himself. My heart really went out to him because it just seemed like such a real situation in this gay lifestyle. All that seceret shit can really bring a man to his knees. They get into this arguement and I guess leave things the way they are.

Flash forward a few months and Jack is dead. Yes...Jack is dead and Enis has to live without him. If you ask me Jack was Enis's true love. I felt a lot of sorrow for Enis because he was a stubborn man that let life pass him by because he refused to change.

The acting was great. Heath Ledger was AWSOME to say the least. he made me believe it...trust. Jake was really good too...I fell in love with his eyes and pretty lips in this movie. Michelle Williams (Alma) as Enis's wife was perfect. I am mos def going to watch out for her. I absolutely love this movie. Finally a classy movie with gay men who love each other. This movie makes me wish it were a true story so that I could cry about it. LOL Go watch it...if anyting go see it for a beautiful love story.


Enis Del Mar and Jack "Nasty" Twist


Enis Del Mar and Alma