To Finish..

The challenges that come with being in a relationship have forced me to look at how I act towards challenges in general.  Especially when it comes to other people.  My default is usually to drop things/people when they get too complicated.  Im kind of over that process...its just hard to change something that is so automatic.

Sometimes trying to change something can be futile if you dont know where it comes from.  Im not going to break down all my issues on this blog because it would take too long.  However, Im trying to change it.  Little by little, I am changing everyday.  In my past relationships, I have been the "tit-for-tat lover." All that does is make the situation worse, and really, nobody wins with that attitude.  Again, very hard for me to stop being that way, but its a process that I am walking myself through.  

Knowing that you deserve love and good things isn't enough,  you have to work at it if you want a strong finish.  

...and Im working it.

To Be Acknowledged ...

Earlier today while I was at work, I was caught off guard by a beautifully written blog post about me...and I rushed to the bathroom to cry.  I wasn't having a bad day, it was going quite well actually, but it just meant the world to me.  Not that I am short of appreciation from the people that love me, but this post moved me because it was out of nowhere.  This is the result of a friendship that has been as steady as a winter day in Alaska.

This doesn't take away from any of the love and support I have received from anybody else.  In general, I am facing many tough obstacles, so, yes, this does give me quite the needed boost.  Right now as I type this, I am teary eyed and listening to Sade.  lol Typical me.

I don't want to type too much about myself before I ruin the moment...however, I want to say that relationships are what keep your soul alive.  Whether it be with yourself, religion, friends, lovers or whoever makes you happy, make it a point to let them know how important they are to you.  Its powerful stuff.

Gratitude is a gift that you should give to the people who sustain you.

Rob Herring, we really have grown a lot and have watched each other become men.  No words in this post can contain the love and appreciation that I have for you.  You have been my cheerleader at every corner, milestone, low, and high since we have met.  I have never ever had to ask you for anything..it has always been automatic.

thank you for your friendship.

This is the post that Rob wrote for me:

 "Much can be said for the way today's communicative mediums have eroded the interpersonal engagement - but about a decade ago that's how I met one of my closest friends.  I guess something can be said for fate as well - but through the course of years we have managed to work & maintenance quite the friendship. New aged city mouse & country southern mouse - Mikey was this gateway to something broader, imaginative - passionately creative; strengths of my own whose surfaces I had barely even scraped at that time.  Fast forwarding through the years there were probably thousands of instant messages, one checking on the other - another zillion texts to share an occasional laugh or advice sessions - & an infinite number of "talk me off of the ledge" late night phone calls.  Often times we don't take the time to watch people grow - but I've been privy to not only witness Mikey grow, I've been lucky to grow along side him in a similar direction.
          Recently I watched Mikey brave through one of the toughest periods I have seen him endure to date - & then I watched the inevitable bounce back, phoenix from ashes, Britney Spears "Stronger" & shit.  Now I see Mikey settling into his routine & being reminded again - of how much more he wants from this life, from it's passions, & from its wealth of teachings & opportunities.  It was a message I wanted to offer to my friend, as a friend - especially now in this season where it can be received & in effort to prepare him for his next obstacle.  Someone imparted this to me recently & I thought to pass it on, because as complicated & layered as we are, this antidote was from a simple perspective endowed by wisdom which can only be garnered through trial, error, age & or experience.  I was at my job one day, fatigued with the routine, unsettled by the direction of my life as of late & frustrated trying to snatch back the reigns -  It was there lamenting & discussing this stalemate dilemma with a colleague, that's well over twice my senior, that I was given this a caveat that she received from her life coach - "...my dear, this is just a lily pad for you."  She fleshed out for me this theory of transition & she started with telling me that I was preparing to take my next leap - & when you leap, you need somewhere to land until the next leap - another lily pad.
          Each stage in life is this transitional building block that gives you some haven, or teaching point - to better equip you for the next stage.  Depending on your growth in this life there can be tons of these transitional periods - but no matter how good or bad, they are always - temporary.  So back to Mikey, even now coming into everything with the new job & the website (www.streetwalkersnyc.com) *shameless plug* there's still this hunt for more.  We have even discussed this, its like there's this invisible hour glass somewhere guarded by ninjas hyped up on meth, & where racing against time, running over glass in stripper heels.  Even still, even this season - yea the one we're currently in where we are waiting to breakthrough to doing whatever it is we love - yea, its just another lily pad as well.  So let's take some time, slow down, learn what were suppose to be learning & build for the next leap so that we when land its somewhere worth building.

Ten years strong - love you Mikey."

you can also see the original post on his site:  http://royalrhetoric.blogspot.com/2010/10/life-lillies-for-michael-rivera.html

2 Y.O.

Myself with Ryan Nickulas and TJ Kelly of The A-List: New York.

Just about two years ago, on October 1st, 2008, I moved from Boston to Brooklyn.  My how things have changed since then.  First of all, I am a happier person and I no longer feel trapped.  No place has ever broken my heart the way Boston has...but as much as I loathe that place, I am from there, so we will always be connected.  However, NYC is quickly becoming my home.

As you may know, besides my 9 to 5 job, I am creator and editor of www.StreetWalkersNYC.com.  I recently covered Logo's first episode screening of The A-List: New York, and it was definitely educational.  I got to see how other press people work and what is expected at an event like that.  I was really unprepared, but Im ok with that, Im still new around here. ;)

I would be lying if I said this was easy...its actually pretty damn hard.  But Im working it...I didn't come here to give up during hard times.  This is NYC...nothing here is easy.

Somebody remind me to do a post with my visual transformations since I got here.  Gold dusted rattails and such... lol

Look closely...

As my  love and I were having brunch at EGG, last week,  he decided to draw me on the disposable tablecloth.  So cute of him!

The Bachelor Auction!

Come and bid on me or any of the guys up for auction.  Its for a great cause and its tax deductible! ;)

Finally, Now.

with Bory in Times Square, photographing for http://www.streetwalkersnyc.com/

Since the last time I dropped a full post, I have covered a lot of ground.  I have a new job, have been to Fire Island twice, have gotten further into my relationship, started a new blog, and I seem to care a lot less about a lot of shit. lol  The latter could be a good or bad thing. ;)

Let's see, my job is pretty cool.  I do lots of admin and busy work for a rooftop lounge.  My "office" is in a private party room. labeled the "VIP Room."  Its pretty swanky, and I have one hell of a view.  Not the best pay, but it works for now, and I like who I work with.  Liking your coworkers and managers is key, when you are at work.  I am thankful to be where I am....things were starting to look kind of bleak for a moment.  But I never gave up, and made it happen. I am going on just about 2 years of living in NYC, and I cannot believe how fast time flies!  I am still in love with this city,  I think I fall in love with it even more every passing month. 

I was off and on unemployed for 2 years...and as much as I loved being in a 9 to 5 world, I don't want to do this anymore.  lol  I want to be my own boss.  So I decided to ask one of my bff's, Harvey Champagne, to join me in creating a variety blog based on NYC.  Its been 2 weeks since we have gone live with the site, and the feedback has been pretty good.  A lot of kinks have to be ironed out, but its a work in process that we both enjoy.  The purpose of the blog is to do all the things I love while opening doors to new career opportunities. 

I am in a great place right now.  I am in love, I have employment, great friends, and am able to marry my love for photography, graphic design and socializing, all into one project.  None of those things are perfect, but they are all sustaining me right now, and I am very grateful.  Its weird typing all of that out, because I am so self tortured, that its hard to admit when good things are happening to me.  My mind is so Debby Downer-ish. 

I am not sure if I still have a following, but thank you to everybody who still reads my shit.  Its a privilege to have my thoughts be heard. 

Here is the link to our new blog: http://www.streetwalkersnyc.com/

with Kelly Horton of Madison Kelly NYC

with Marcella "Incredible Lago" Araica

Harvey Champagne

the infamous Dawter, Brandon.

with Sylvia Tosun, backstage after her show.

Coco & Breezy glasses, remixed in 3D.

Im still alive!

I have been very busy and unable to update this blog...but I miss it! So i will post something this week with updates.  Sometimes you have to step away from the blog and let life happen.  A lot has been going on and I can't wait to share it.

Talk to you soon,

Mike Milan

Shadowed.

as the sun slid back into my life

there you were with sun rays beaming on your face

I see you with all of your beautiful flaws

and I realize....

My heart now has a shadow.

Last Minute Photography

My friend asked if I could fill in for a photographer that canceled out on him at the last minute. I had nothing else to do, so I jumped and took some nice shots of this gorgeous young lady. The shoot was for my friends final project at FIT.

Celebrating and Social Differences

Since my last post, things have actually been going in the right direction. Still in love with life, NYC, my guy, etc. Things are far from perfect, but I am in it to win it. In the last few weeks, there have been lots of dancing and celebrating. Celebrating new/old friendships, opportunities, good times and progression.

One particular subject/situation that has come up recently, is my quietness around new people. Naturally and contrary to popular belief, I am not good at breaking the ice. However, when spoken to, I am very responsive. I can go on and on about how I grew up and why it's difficult for me to excel in new social situations, but Im tired of doing so. Call me stubborn, but I am into my 30's now and I really don't feel the need to constantly justify my shyness to new people (unless it is work related). Just because Im quiet and often expressionless, doesn't mean that I am not present or without opinion.

Somebody has to listen, right? It would be totally different if I was saying or acting offensive, but I am far from that. I also realize that insecure people find it difficult to accept my shyness and self internalize it...aka take it personal. What can i do? Im not a mind reader. Im ok with people asking me questions to try and understand me, but am not ok with being accused of something that is not true.

Anyhoo, here are some pics from the last month or so:

Waiting Room Blues

This is unfinished. I typed this out on my phone while I was sitting in a clinic waiting room earlier today. Every now and then, I find myself sitting somewhere, feeling overwhelmed about life, and I type it out. I decided to share this one because I haven't been so emotionally conflicted in a long time. The last few weeks have been such a roller coaster ride. Every time I thought I had it in control, I didnt. Anyhoo, here are my cut and pasted thoughts, spelling and grammatically incorrect and all:

"I feel so lost right now. Its an all too familiar feeling and it hasn't gotten old yet. It still hurts. I feel like a failure...I feel violated, foolishly impulsive and even a little speechless. I want things to go back. I want things to be better. I want it all to go away. I want to not be the victim and I want to not make somebody else the villain...and vice versa.

I shouldnt have written that fucking email.

I want to be happy and make you happy too.

I have plenty of issues and will never be perfect, so I dont expect you to meet an unfair standard. I understand that you have to take the good with the bad...Im still trying to figure that out actually. How much bad can I accept? Does the good outweigh the bad? Am I being foolishly impulsive again? So many things I dont know how to answer.

The very few things that I do know are that I am ridiculously in love with you and...I have had such great times with you in the last 5 months. Im sorry for many things, known and unknown. Im also not sorry for many things as well. This is literally the lowest and highest part of my adult life. I know I have put you through the ringer, but these are the cards that have been dealt to me and I am doing all that I can do. I would like to say you deserve better, but I know regardless of my living situation, I am very valuable. I know my worth.

but of course I want you to be here for my rebound. That, I know, you deserve.

I haven't cried about this and I dont want to. I just want to figure it all out and progress.

Its just so hard when it doesnt come easy."

Photo's in WIlliamsburg

Harvey and I walked around Williamsburg and went to town with the camera. Here are the pics he took of me. I will post his pics as soon as he picks his favorites.

Old Header.

This is the first official header I designed for this blog (in 2008). I created it in my red room, in Boston. Hence it being called "The Red Room." I live in Brooklyn now and decided I would change the name of my blog and incorporate my commute to the city and back, on this new header. Behind me, is the Williamsburg Bridge, where the JMZ train travels on.

It was on that bridge, as I looked at Manhattan while the train was pulling into Essex/Delancey, that I realized that I was now living in NYC. It was what my friend Ryan, would call an "Oh shit moment." A year and a half later, I am still here, still trying to get my hustle on and still loving this incredible city. This view of the bridge is also where my love brought me during a very cold day in December.

Shout out to Harvey for taking the pics of me literally jumping around Bedford Ave.

"Special?"

When you hit a certain age and you have had your fair share of dates and relationships, is there anything "new?" I spent all of my 20's feeling like all of my dates and I were experiencing all of these feelings together for the first time. That doesn't seem to be the case anymore. So if it is no longer new, is it still special?

When did everything stop being special?

Not that I am being a cynic or anything. I still enjoy love and all of the things it (love, dates, relationships) brings, even if I have experienced it before. But when those feelings come to me, I know exactly what they are now. Where as before, I wouldn't and it would make it all that much more intoxicating. Maybe its like liquor and my tolerance is high? Im still enjoying the drink, but Im not getting shit faced in an instant.

I am not writing this to take anything away from anything I am feeling or will feel in the future, its just an observation. Anyhoo, this has been in my head for awhile now and I wanted to get it out of my system. Im sure somebody else out there feels the same. And hopefully, like myself, you are an optimistic thinker and are not taking away from any present relationship.

If it feels good, let it flow.

Always in my Heart.

This was written on Monday night while I was on the bus coming back from

Boston:

As I sit on this bus, I'm thinking of how my past has created my present and how grateful I am. All the good and all of the bad has added up to this.

I spent 5 days in Boston because my grandfather lost his battle to cancer. That man raised me, so it's been rough. Growing up, my biological father was never in the picture, so my grandfather filled that void. He was not the perfect father, but he truly was enough and he loved me so much. Anything I needed, I had. He really was an 'all action and no talk' kind of man. Its a hard trait to come by, and I always respected it.

My grandfather was the definition of selfless. He gave and gave and gave and never asked for anything in return. With 3 decades of military service, he had soldiers at his burial along with the American flag draped over his coffin. The soldiers folded the flag and then gave it to my beautiful grandmother.

I want to say that I'm done mourning and ready to celebrate his life, but that's not true. It's a process and seeing his coffin get lowered into the ground did something to my soul. Death is inevetible, but it never gets easier to digest...especially when somebody close to your heart, passes on.

I have conflicting emotions. I feel energized because I want to use this as a way be a stronger person, but I also feel a little fragile. With that being said, I will take this opportunity to push on with more zest and I want to cherish the time I have on this planet. Life isn't that serious. One of the few beauties of a funeral service, is that you get to see people in your family that you haven't seen in awhile. As dysfunctional as my family is, they are so beautiful and I love them. Usually in small doses, but love nonetheless. ;)

Here are some pictures I would like to share. My family is a little bit of everything. Jewish, Jamaican, Cambodian and more. (And of course my amazing extended family, Marie, Harvey and Daland, were present.)

RIP Angel L. Colon

August 22, 1935 - March 10, 2010

I love you Papi,

Michael

xoxo

Communication Changes.

I am quite impressed with my self restraint these days. I have realized that as self aware and opinionated as I am, all can be lost if said at the wrong moment. Word vomit can ruin the message. As much as i am impressed with myself, I am also frustrated. The days of carefree communication are out the window. Well, not totally, but there was a time where I would fly off the handle and make sure my feelings were placed on a table for all to see. Sometimes I would shove it down people's throats. Now, I understand that the instant gratification of 'letting it out,' is temporary. I need more then that.

I often keep myself in check because I know that my way of thinking is a little obsessive. Its like I am too connected to my thoughts and feelings. Again, as great as that is, its a curse as well. What appears to be obvious to me, may not be the same to the next person because they dont live in their feelings and thoughts the way I do. When I describe it, it makes me feel like I am describing a person who thinks too fucking much. Which is true..and something I have been working on for awhile. Change isn't always easy.

Lots and lots of changes...but all good.

Pollution.

I decided to go to the corner bodega without my phone. I also walked at a normal pace, and not my usual speed walking madness. I was having one of those, "I want the phone to ring, but I don't want it to ring," kind of day. While walking to the bodega, it felt nice to feel the cold breeze against my face and ears, running through my hair and allowing my mind to not be occupied by whats going on in my phone (apps, twitter, facebook, texting). As I was walking back to my house, I realized that my mind is polluted with a lot of trivial junk...and now is not the time to occupy so much of my time with such.

I have lots to be thankful for, and trust me, I recognize it everyday, but...things could be better. As always, I have a positive outlook on everything, but damn, I'm tired. Not "giving up" tired...I just have hit so many walls and I am..well..I don't know how to put it into words. I just wish things were different. But I know, things happen for a reason and yes, I will overcome all of this mess and it will be great. I can't wait for that day...I think about it all the time.

Please don't take this as a "woe is me.." post. I don't need sympathy..I'm just having an honest moment while listening to Sade's Soldier of Love, CD.

Today, I felt lonely for the first time in years. And its not because I wasn't with my friends or my boyfriend, it was mainly because I miss the person I used to be. I know that we progress and should never aspire to be what we were in the past. However, I just feel so messy and uncomfortable...which of course makes me a little insecure. I try not to look at the rest of the world and compare my living situation with others, because that's kind of insensitive. We all have different paths and obstacles, and at this moment, I can only deal with mine (but my prayers are for all ;).

I guess its a trade off I have to balance. Before this, I was unhappy but with a good amount of money and a successful career. Now, I am a happier person, dating somebody I am crazy about, I love where I live and I don't feel like a misfit here. I had none of those things before this.

Just gotta make it through...I have no other choice.

I have to be in Boston this week to visit family, and I cannot wait to be back already! LOL

Anyhoo, thanks for entertaining my personal thoughts and concerns.

If I can do it, so can you!

xoxo

Boys cut.

My hairstylist, Ryan Nickulas of Ryan Darius Salon, gave me a regular boys cut. lol Its actually one of my favorite haircuts in awhile. Don't get me wrong, he always does a great job, but I feel very cute and simple with this cut.