Finally, Now.

with Bory in Times Square, photographing for http://www.streetwalkersnyc.com/

Since the last time I dropped a full post, I have covered a lot of ground.  I have a new job, have been to Fire Island twice, have gotten further into my relationship, started a new blog, and I seem to care a lot less about a lot of shit. lol  The latter could be a good or bad thing. ;)

Let's see, my job is pretty cool.  I do lots of admin and busy work for a rooftop lounge.  My "office" is in a private party room. labeled the "VIP Room."  Its pretty swanky, and I have one hell of a view.  Not the best pay, but it works for now, and I like who I work with.  Liking your coworkers and managers is key, when you are at work.  I am thankful to be where I am....things were starting to look kind of bleak for a moment.  But I never gave up, and made it happen. I am going on just about 2 years of living in NYC, and I cannot believe how fast time flies!  I am still in love with this city,  I think I fall in love with it even more every passing month. 

I was off and on unemployed for 2 years...and as much as I loved being in a 9 to 5 world, I don't want to do this anymore.  lol  I want to be my own boss.  So I decided to ask one of my bff's, Harvey Champagne, to join me in creating a variety blog based on NYC.  Its been 2 weeks since we have gone live with the site, and the feedback has been pretty good.  A lot of kinks have to be ironed out, but its a work in process that we both enjoy.  The purpose of the blog is to do all the things I love while opening doors to new career opportunities. 

I am in a great place right now.  I am in love, I have employment, great friends, and am able to marry my love for photography, graphic design and socializing, all into one project.  None of those things are perfect, but they are all sustaining me right now, and I am very grateful.  Its weird typing all of that out, because I am so self tortured, that its hard to admit when good things are happening to me.  My mind is so Debby Downer-ish. 

I am not sure if I still have a following, but thank you to everybody who still reads my shit.  Its a privilege to have my thoughts be heard. 

Here is the link to our new blog: http://www.streetwalkersnyc.com/

with Kelly Horton of Madison Kelly NYC

with Marcella "Incredible Lago" Araica

Harvey Champagne

the infamous Dawter, Brandon.

with Sylvia Tosun, backstage after her show.

Coco & Breezy glasses, remixed in 3D.

I Choose.

Thats right, I choose. I choose everything that goes on in my life. The good, the bad...all of it. I think we are all aware that we have chosen the path that we are on..but to fully understand it is something entirely different. I understand it now and I refuse to short change myself. Easier said then done, but I feel like something has snapped in my mind. I only have ONE life and I am living it now. Its so basic, but when I really think about how much I am missing because of my choices, I think about how I need to stop being so scared to lose something I don't even have yet. And really, who gets everything without failing at some point? So I am getting myself to a place where I can just do shit without doubting myself.

Again, easier said then done...but I am so ready for this change.

On another note, my good friend Bory came to visit from Boston. She is the most optimistic person in my life. She breathes a lot of joy into my heart and I always love when she visits. Here are just a few pics from our fun weekend:

13 Days

13 days ago I moved away from everything that I knew and landed in NYC.  All of my most important possessions were placed in many boxes, both big and small, loaded into a Uhaul truck and driven to my new home in Brooklyn. It was an emotional process for me being that I had lived in that apartment for the last 5 years. That place is legendary in my mind and heart. I grew so much there and although I am happy to be gone, I will miss it.

However, I didn't get to bring everything. One of the most important things was left behind: my baby girl, Nina. I got a lump in my throat just typing that. My new place doesn't accept dogs, so I left her in good hands until I can figure out how to bring her to me. She is my heart, my companion and one of the greatest loves of my life. I made sure to record our last walk on my phone and I watch it everyday. It brings me great joy. In due time and with much prayer, I will have my baby girl with me again. =)

I am still absorbing the fact that my life is completely different. I have gone on 3 dates since I moved here. Nothing serious, just meeting new people. So far, I seem continue to not have any luck here. During this moving process, I lost a lot of weight due to stress, so I have some self esteem issues to work out. I am sure my dates would have gone a little better had I been more confident and less shy. So, I will curb the dating until I feel good about myself. Nothing is worse then sitting in a restaurant wondering if you are going to look too skinny walking to the bathroom (causing you not to go to the bathroom). Not healthy.

Besides that mess, I have so much to do here. And you know what? I am very happy with my choice to move. This is one of the best things I could have done for myself. 

To everybody who got tired of me talking about this move for the last 2 years, I know you miss me. lol And I miss you too.

Much love to the people who helped make this move physically possible: Phea, China, Angel and Brandon. 

This is a new chapter and I need to remember to not do this the way I did it in Boston. 

I'm ready for my breakthrough...

NYC Pride '08

A lot of pictures were taken, but not with my camera. So, this is all I have for now. However, I wore 2 different outfits and there are plenty of beautiful people who are not represented in these 2 photo's. Although the 2 who count the most are in them: John and Brandon. I can always count on them to feel comfortable, loved and we always share some big laughter.

The day started off at a hole in the wall restaurant in the East side. We ate vegan red velvet cupcakes and I think I had some kind of Morrocan chicken wrap. After that, we hit up a party at the Gansevoort Hotel where we hid from the rain under table top umbrella's. From there we walked thru the Meat Packing District and chilled at Los Dados. After an hour of carrying on and drinking, we made our way to the much too crowded Pier at the end of Christopher street. I can't do that place during Pride anymore. Too many children and just too damn packed. If everybody in the ghetto was gay and they walked into the middle of the street...you would understand.

The night ended at a club called Hiro. I was there 2 years ago to see Esthero perform and the venue is gorgeous. I had a really good time there, I danced next to a cute porn star while exchanging glances (why do porn stars like me and why do they NEVER live in Boston??) all night and was hit on by a few people. Its nice to feel attractive. I also got to hang out with a very handsome guy...we made out. I know...very fast of me, but it was Pride. Oddly enough, I don't think we had any chemistry. I am very hot and cold like that..I either really like you or I am numb to you. Boo!

As usual, I didn't get to see everybody I wanted to see, but I will be back soon.

To sum it up...it was a good weekend. I will post other pics if I get my hands on them.

29.

I am now officially 29 years old.

Time really flys. It was just 2 years ago this very month that my life was completely changed. Four years ago, little did I know I would be back to where I am/was...

Its a blessing to be able to reach back and pick up where you could have, would have and should have done. No regrets. what. so. ever.

I love me for the work in progress that I am.

Thank you to everybody who has helped me progress into who I am today, and what I will hopefully be in the future.

That Shirt.

I had to do OT for work on Saturday and I of course was running late. The good thing about working on a Saturday is that you can wear whatever the hell you want. I decided to wear one of my favorite little black t-shirts that use to belong to my ex. I never gave it back to him when we separated. It looked so good on him and I am sure he would love to get it back. But he has A LOT more of my stuff so he would never ask for it back for fear I would ask for my shit back. LOL Same goes for me. He has this ONE very fitted black button up shirt of mine (that I would really like to wear again!) but of course I wont ask for it back because he will then ask me for his t-shirt back. I know it! Lol

Anyways, I was looking alllll over the place for this t-shirt and I couldn’t find it. I exhausted all of the places it could have been when I realized that I hadn’t seen it since before I went to NYC. My heart sank for a sec because I knew that they probably went to the same place my Adidas went to….. Need I say more? I was devastated for a few moments and I let it go. It’s a t-shirt, I have other memories, material and mental. As I was solemnly looking for something else to wear I found it! I found the tshirt. I then had an emotional moment..i just began smelling the shirt and started to cry a bit. It was very brief and I proceeded to put it on like I originally intended to. I decided to wear my snake skin shell toe Adidas and as I looked in the mirror I saw that the shirt didn’t match the sneaker. So after all of that mess I decided to wear a different shirt. I ended up looking pretty good that day.

Honestly, I am happy that I didn’t lose that shirt. Every time I put it on I think about him. Not obsessively and it’s not like I walk around wearing it like a badge…its just a thought that goes thru my brain about him wearing it on the train in NYC on a very hot summer night. It was 4 of us. Me, 2 of my best friends (ever) and my (ex) man in Manhattan. It’s definitely worth hanging on to. Not for me trying to hold onto him (at all), but for the memory of 3 very important people in my life all together having a great time and looking damn good.
It was very innocent then...I love those times and I am looking forward to more of those in the future.

On another note I ordered them Adidas. I refuse to let some fucking crack head take my shit and just have me sit around and sulk about it.


Hi.



The "Shirt."




My Adidas.

Oh Summer

This was my last weekend in NYC for the summer and I have many mixed emotions. In a sense I feel like this year is over but of course its not. Its going to get harder. No more hot days beating the streets of NYC with the people who have sustained me this year. Up until the summer I was a huge emotional mess. Why mention the reason? This summer showed me how to open up and be myself again. I have met some cute guys and have considered dating a few but for one reason or another it just wasn't meant to be. I also was able to recapture my passion for dance. How bout I just list the things about this summer that have helped me in one way or another?

Genuine people who have showed me how to have a good time.

My Boston crew: Johnny, Danny, Patrice, Byron and Stephanie

My NYC crew: Harvey, Brandon, John and Frowen (and the many people I have met thru you 2), Eric, Carlos and Oso.

My eyes were definitely opened this year and a lot of people have come and gone and a lot of true colors were shown in such a short amount of time. A lot of fakers and fronters and plenty of people who bit off more then they could chew. Good sex, bad sex, a yearning to be wanted for more then just my body, self realizations, the hardest HIV test I ever took (negative but still..) hot club nights, a lot of booze, Richie, day breaking, getting over (and still) my ex, a lot of shopping, sushi, cooking, many many trips and accepting my weight problem. There is more but those are the ones that stand out.

Individual shout outs:

Johnny, thank you so much for taking me out of the house those first few times. Life was harder then you know before you came a long and showed me I could go out in Boston. And of course for introducing me to Patrice and Danny.

John, we finally met! Talk about MySpace networking? I enjoy you profusely and thank you for introducing me to Frowen and the rest of your eclectic friends. I admire and live thru you and Frown's relationship and I can only hope that things progress for you two. And of course I hope I am there for it.

Stephanie, thank you for being apart of my "coming back to reality" process. Your light and friendly attitude was such a needed breath of fresh air. We can drive anywhere and never stop talking.

Brandon, thank you for being patient and for being a real friend. I love you with all of my heart and you are one of my best investments. Its been what..7 years? Here is to another million (do u think we'll still be hot then? lol)

Harvey, you are and have been the brother I never had. I don't know where I would be or how I would have survived these last 4 years without you. Thank you for being one of the most constant people in my life (especially in these times). Let us now focus.

China, we can not talk for large periods of times but I know that I can count on you and you can always count on me. I could have died that rainy weekend but you came to my rescue. You may never know how much you helped me that day but I still think about it and it makes me emotional just knowing how selfless you can be. That prom forever changed our lives.

Daland, how weird is it for me to type that name? Im so use to typing the Ex,"Him" or any other variation. You have loved me like no other and yet you have hurt me just the same. Not sure if you were trying to undo all of the love that we built but whatever the case may be...I don't have it in me to hate you. Thank you for showing me that I can be very weak, emotionally and mentally and that I don't know it all. Realizing that has made me a better man because those are mistakes I will not make again. I will love again and thanks to you I know how sweet it is and I know how to cook, clean and put my needs (when appropriate) to the side for the next man I am with.

Ivette, my sister. This is the first time ever that we have been able to see eye to eye on many things and this is the first time I felt like we are related. I hope we continue this relationship. After all..we are stuck with each other.

This has been the longest, hardest year of my life and it is not over yet. I have a few more battles to conquer before this year ends. But so far, so good right?