Carry On

It has been almost a week now and things are settling in. I have been so well rested and the days have been filled with eating out, movies, friends and faux coworkers. I also got a sweet pair of all white Supra Skytops and a Beetles t-shirt.

Its actually been a pretty good week despite being laid off. I do need a new job and I will start my search starting tonight or very early tomorrow. But either way it will all fall into place. I have been tempted to do some searches in NYC, but I am not going to let this force my hand. It would be easy to run out of here, but I want to take one more class this summer. Once I am done with that, I should have no reason to be here. Unless the new job I have pays me 10k more then what I was already making, then I will consider staying a little longer. But only because I would then have even more money to move. I seriously doubt I am going to get that much considering I am an art school dropout and students are graduating this month.

I have these mixed feelings about my free time because I am not sure how long it will last. Ideally, I would like to throw myself into my art and take many pictures, but I feel as soon as I put my resume out there..I might not be unemployed for long. But, as I stated before, it is May and students are graduating, so I may not want to wait too long or there may be no jobs available.

Well, I will do it all. I will look for a job, find one and do my art at the same time.

Im ADD like that.


My "Wife" Bory and I.

The Sum Up.

I saw Nelly Furtado this past Tuesday and she was AMAZING. Despite her recorded music and her live performances I had seen on youtube or award shows, her voice was much bigger then I expected. I actually expected her to strain thru some of her songs. She was everything and more and I cannot wait to see her again.

I was still sick when I went to see her but turns out..I wasn't sick. The doctors took my blood and ran a lot of tests and they were scratching their heads. Everything as it seems was fine, and the day after I got my results..I felt brand new again. Some of it was mental, if not most. Im in a very crappy place right now. Im realizing everyday that I need to step it up a notch. I will give myself credit because I am trying everyday to change things around me. Applying for higher paying positions and setting up photoshoots when I can. I may have one coming up this Friday. Cross your fingers!

Progress is very slow right now and I am have been even more antsy now then I was before. I need to not live in this apartment anymore. It is really affecting the way I think and as I have stated before, once I get out of this place I'll be able to think clearly.

Thats all I do lately...think. Don't take this as a complaint. Its just what it is. Im tired of complaining.

My good friend that lived with me who moved away from Boston, is moving back sometime next month. I am excited because it will be so good to have him around again.

I don't need a vacation, I need to leave.

Excited and Scared.

Those are 2 very accurate words to describe my present state of mind. Since I can remember, I have always had dreams of being some kind of an artist. Singer, dancer, comic book illustrator, photographer, poet, song writer and graphic designer. These are all of the area’s I have not only displayed interest in, but I have actually done on small scales. I am very fortunate to have been able to do such things as choreograph hip hop dances, create characters etc. However, we have all heard of the person who is the Jack of all trades but inevitable master of none. That is me. I have been aware of this for many years and I have been struggling with myself to figure just what I want to do with myself. I have spent many nights pondering and even crying (yes..lol) at the fact that I know I have so much talent and yet I am wasting it with all of my own self sabotage. All of this self doubt and procrastination has gotten me nowhere.

My last relationship was unfortunately a victim of my own insecure state of mind. This is proof that if you are not a whole person, you cannot bring what is necessary to a successful relationship. I have said this before but I love to reiterate it because so many people fool themselves by believing if they are in a relationship with a great person they will all of a sudden be “great” themselves. Fools! Lol

Anyhoo, as of right now I have decided to reach back and take a talent I started to form (but stopped) and cultivate it into something that I can stay with. What is important to know about me is that I am a multitasker and I will never be satisfied with doing just one thing. But I have to pace myself and start somewhere. What good is it for me to start all of these projects and never finish them? So I am going with photography. As you may have read, I have my new camera and I am looking to buy a starter lighting kit. I am truly excited about this new direction and I have a lot of visions that I want to bring to life. You cannot learn how to be an artist because you are born one. But I need the technical prowess to pull this one off. Cross your fingers because Mikey is impatient! Ha!

I haven’t been this excited and passionate about something since I started college. I never finished college because I realized I was so self taught in some areas that I became bored and I also should have been a Graphic Design major as opposed to a Multimedia major. So I am an art school drop out. Sexy huh? =P So that is the excitement factor.

The fear factor comes from the fact that I need to move. I don’t want to move, I need to move. I am done with Boston. I am very unhappy here and I am not the most liked person among my peers and honestly I don’t give a fuck. I am not better then them, but I am on some different shit that just confuses them and makes them think I am on a high horse. Not at all, I am very humble and downright shy at times. I am still in touch with that light inside of me that aspires to be a person that I can love and be proud of. I want to love myself. They….well…not sure where they are..but I doubt when they were growing up they wanted to be bitter, jaded and hateful. Yeah I said it. Trust me, who you are, is in your actions not your words.

My choice of location is NY, which is no secret. I am scared because I am starting this photography stuff and trying to move at the same time. Both are very costly and I have bills to pay! I am not afraid of the competition in NY nor am I afraid of not succeeding because those are not options. I am determined but am filled with fear because I have a love hate thing for change. A lot of it has to do with age too. Which is something I really need to let go. I feel like I should have done this a long time ago but I got caught up in being lost and trying to live a married life (not blaming this on my ex or the relationship!).

As you can see, I have much on my mind.

On a completely different note..I am going to see Amy Winehouse! yay!!!

Ok, I get it. (revised)

What a year so far huh? Some damage control is in the works right about now because I need to have a smooth start into the next year. I have done pretty well with the whole "walowing" in my own self pitty shit. Or lack there of. I don't know if its because I refuse to sit around and feel like shit or if its because I'm just one numb motherfucker. Is motherfucker one word? It looks wrong...but whatever. You get it. As this year quickly progresses into its final days I am really proud of myself.

I have gone thru A LOT of horrid situations and yet Im still optomistic. I do have worries and I am still weary about a lot of things I am trying to accomplish in the near future...but thats human nature. Im ok, and I am going forward full steam ahead. I have made some serious mistakes this year and i have paid for them all...I really have. This time last year I was not any happier then I am now...I wont elaborate..no need to drag any names thru the mud. Me and my baby Nina are doing just fine right now and we are looking forward to starting a new life by the Spring. No need to put my plans out there anymore because I don't feel like talking about it anymore...I just want it to happen.

I am also not ready to date. This is a huge step for me because I have been making myself available all Summer yet I have said "no" a lot. Naturally I wanted somebody to fill the void of Libra (the ex) not to mention I'm a sex fiend. But it just doesn't feel right because in all honesty I am not completely over him and I dont want to be one of those guys that jumps into another relationship...thats just too many unresloved feelings. I don't need another person to validate the fact that I am a good man and that I am fully capable of loving. Its all in me and in due time somebody will reap the benefits of that fact.

But of course its bigger then the Ex Factor. The source of many of my emotional problems this year has been the realization that I had/have to change as a person. That is not an easy place to be when you are not used to being alone. But I am doing it. These past few weeks I have found myself seperating myself from the people around me. Not because I don't want them in my life but because my thoughts need my full attention. Does that make sense? It has been unintentional...I just started realizing this in these past few days when I started not picking up my phone. Sometimes keeping my mouth shut does me better. bleh.

So here I am..another new day and perfectly fine with doing it all on my own. No dates, no boyfriend, no ex-boyfriend and I am "relatively" celibate. lol

I think Mikey likes it.