In My Bed

So I went out again last night and got drunk...again. I asked a friend who I flirt with a lot to come home with me and he did. When we got to my room I made sure that he didnt lay in the section my Ex had slept in for the past 2 years. I had absolutely no intention to have sex or to even be sexual. I just wanted somebody I trust to lay next to me so that I could feel that safe feeling I have missed every single night since the begining of February.

It didn't work. It was harder for me to sleep knowing another man was sharing the same bed and sheets that me and "him" had not only shared but picked out. Im so glad I was drunk because as fast as my mind was racing, my body was shot and I had no choice but to knock out. When I woke up my friend's arm was around me and I felt so violated. Even my dog Nina was acting crazy. NOBODY has slept in my bed but "him" and she has spent most of her life with "us" on that same bed. She was runing around and barking and crying at the door. It was unreal.

I have to move. I cannot live in this apartment anymore. It is too painful to come home and be alone and then have to get up and go to work again. Correction..to come home and feel lonely. I am willing to pay more to live somewhere else and have some sanity then to live in this sadness. We painted all of the walls and even sanded and stained floors. "We" are all over this apartment and I don't think I can move on with all of these remnants of joy and disaster in my face. The worse part is that I might not be able to take Nina with me.

I need new sheets.