For Him And For My Sanity.

Human nature is making me feel like I acted too fast and that maybe I should have waited for my feelings to cool down before I said the things that I said to him. But it's too late and it is so done that nothing I say or do will correct the damage that I did. Am I regretful? Somewhat. But I said what I felt and I didn't lie about anything. I had no other choice. I was backed against a wall. Would I take back what I did? No.

What I did was what needed to happen. Was I a little distasteful? Yes. Actually I was very crazy acting..but a man can only take so much. I still love him very much and I will love him forever. It is an unexplainable feeling that only people who have been thru this kind of situation would understand. This is proof that love is blind and that we can fall in love with people we are not compatible with. There will always be a spot in my heart for him because he was my first real love.

I used the word "hate" because when you love somebody the way that I love him... only to have them hurt you over and over again with the same action can evoke a reverse reaction. That "hate" came from all of the passion that seemed to burn my chest and throat. I don't hate him. I might have for that moment but I couldn't think straight. I went as far as to try to make him hate me too because guilt almost had me turn around and hug him.

Like yesterday my throat is burdened but this time it is with fear not passion. The fear that mistakes have been made on my behalf that maybe I have been too ignorant to see. But again that is human nature. I now understand why some people commit suicide after break ups. Sometimes the pain is just so numbing that you just don't realize that life can go on. I am not suicidal. I just understand it now...because things would be so much easier if they were to stop. No more hurt, no more games or moments so filled with confusion that you lash out only to feel like a maniac afterwards. None of that. It would be nice. But I am a fighter so there is no easy way out for me.

He may never read this because he has no reason to. What is done is done and I seem to have the bad habbit of never shutting up. Especially now because of how overly emotional and fragile I am. I always thought that when a man really loves someone he would fight to keep that love. I still beleive that. I fought with all I had..but there was no battle. I fought alone..and here I am...alone.

The salt of my tears leave streams of sadness and regret all over my face. The hurt will lessen but the memory will never leave me. The feeling of loss will also lessen but yes..they will be there. The rings that I was planning to buy by the end of the year will never be bought and that special day will never come(it was supposed to be "spontaneous"). Dramatic..I know..but all of it true.

I love you Daland, and despite everything we put each other thru I hope that you fall in love again.

Still,
Mikey