See.

This is why I have given up dating in boston:

(This is an Instant Message convo that I had with somebody that I barely know.)

a (11:36:58 PM): mikey wen can I egt my beso?
g0mikey (11:37:15 PM): i have no idea
a (11:39:05 PM): well pencil me in
g0mikey (11:39:15 PM): lol
g0mikey (11:39:22 PM): i dont do dates anymore
a (11:39:45 PM): fo real
a (11:39:51 PM): lol
g0mikey (11:39:52 PM): not in boston
g0mikey (11:39:58 PM): i went on my last one yesterday
a (11:41:14 PM): oh damn he got u
g0mikey (11:41:23 PM): was a total asshole
g0mikey (11:41:31 PM): i been having bad dates all summer
g0mikey (11:41:33 PM): so im thru
a (11:41:38 PM): fo real
a (11:41:50 PM): nah u didn't give me a chance
g0mikey (11:41:56 PM): I can't
g0mikey (11:41:57 PM): sorry
g0mikey (11:42:06 PM): im done with summer dating in boston
a (11:42:11 PM): das wassup
g0mikey (11:42:13 PM): im gonna wait till i move to do that again
g0mikey (11:42:19 PM): nothing personal
a (11:42:29 PM): its cute u was no1 anyways
g0mikey (11:42:44 PM): um..it wasnt personal
g0mikey (11:42:55 PM): but clearly, u just made it that way.

Now this myspace mesage is from somebody who has been asking for XXX pics and just being too much and just nasty. We live close to each other and he may have forgotten..but when we first started chatting a few months ago..he wanted to meet. So u put his desire to meet along with his desire to see XXX pics of me, and to know about certain areas of my body, and guess what the fuck I am going to think? Ok....read on:

Original Message -----------------From: LAME Date: Aug 19, 2008 12:28 AM
How come you never talk to me?

Original Message -----------------From: Go Mikey Milan!Date: Aug 19, 2008 12:30 AM
because im not into u.

Original Message -----------------From: LAME Date: Aug 19, 2008 12:42 AM
I was never looking to hook up dude...Besides you arn't even my type...Though your bod hair and ass are hot...thats all

See, you can't even reject somebody without them going on the offense.

PS, he has never seen my arse, so I have no idea why he thinks its "hot." gross.

I am so done. lol

Yeah, I said it.

Not having a job means that I talk 75% less then I have been accustomed to for the last 3 years. Weird but true. Everybody works all day and I am home to search for jobs online and clean. So when I speak to somebody, I turn into Chatty Kathy. Ugh. Its like word vomit. I can't seem to shut the fuck up. Other then that, I go to the gym often and stay longer then usual. I also have been spending waaay too much money on eating out.

My Beg. Photography class is finally over. I might not have mentioned that here, but I took an 8 week course and I went to class once a week for a few hours. It was very informative and I got some good stuff out of it. Not as much as I wanted, but the teacher was like super ADD...seriously. He is an older guy with over 30 years experience and I think he just knows way too much to teach. Not sure if that makes sense. It was just a lot to absorb. Anyhoo, I am taking one more class thru the summer. It will focus more on fashion photography and I am very excited.

Lets see, what else can I chat about...hmmm. I have somewhat of a crush on somebody. That's new..cuz you know, I don't like people like that. I snapped my fucking glasses today and I had to glue them back together because I cannot afford a new pair. Hot.

Lets see..what else. This may get me in trouble, but whatever..a friend and some loser broke up. There, I said it. In his defense, the loser is a nice guy, but who said losers can't be nice!?

I also deleted an acquaintence from my myapce friends list over a political debate. lol You know, I am not sensitive about that mess, but if I feel that you are being an asshole and trying to cover it with your political view...you kind of just made ur asshole-ness seem bigger. Umm..hello?

OK, let me get back to hell.

Storm

This year has begun with a lot of resentment and bitterness. I cannot pin point it, but I seem to not be able to control my attitude. I need space...a lot of it.

I somewhat regret setting up a party for my BDay because I am unsure if I have any real friends at this point. A room full of random "friends." I have no idea who I can trust and who is just using me. I know..its not that deep..but something in me feels like it is.

I feel very trapped and disconnected. One minute Im fine and the next Im just angry as hell at the smallest thing and I really just want to go off and break shit and cuss people out. I have never felt such intense feelings. Im trying to understand where it is coming from because this isnt healthy for me.

It keeps me up at night and I wake up with headaches.

I don't want to go to work but I don't want to stay home either.

I feel like I don't even know myself...

..but I will be fine.

I promise.

It Ends and it Begins

This year, I will not be as nice and I will not be used by the people who are supposed to be my friends. I may not have as many friends after this year, but if I do.,it may not be the ones I have now...and I am ok with that.

If you eat all of the cookies at once, you have none left for later.

Whats Wrong?

I have been dogged by fatigue for the past 6 days now and its getting out of hand. I went to the gym once and could barely do 30 minutes and I cant do anything fast without feeling like my head is going to fall off. This exact time last year (almost to the exact DAY) I had similar symptoms but they were not as drawn out. Im wondering if its seasonal allergies or as a friend brought to my attention, I could be lacking something. Something like vitamins or iron or some shit like that. Or worse case scenario I could have something like diabetes.


I have a doctors appointment tomorow so I'm at least on the right track. I need to shake this bullshit. Im such a productive person so it kills me to be too "tired" to finish a work day. I had to call my mother to pick me up early from work today. Im a grown ass man...why am I calling my mom? lol After I hung up I cried a little in my coworkers cubicle. Not like weeping...just got very emotional and teary eyed because its so frustrating to feel this way. Even my fucking joints are tired. Im a dancer. Things like that hit me hard when I cant walk without feeling achey. Its not a sad feeling..its a feeling that pisses me off.


I hate to be stopped. That could be it.

This semi-sickness is like being in limbo. Am I going to wake up feeling better tomorow? or am I going to get worse? None.

I stayed in all Sunday so I could rest and be beter for today. To stay productive, I cleaned and took some pics of myself. Damn Im skinny.

Shadows

I decided to take today off from work because my allergies are kicking my ass and I also just needed a mental day for myself. I know those that know me are like "What? you have Fridays off!!" LOL I have a 4 day 40 hour schedule. So I always have a 3 day weekend. But I make sure to stay busy all 3 days because I need to be productive. This weekend was taxing on me because of the photo shoot and then feeling sick from my allergies the following morning. I am not complaining..but I am tired and emotional.

Here is what I am getting to:

I am sad. This photo stuff is something I really want to do and I will be pursuing it. But this means that my plans to move are of course going to be (once again) pushed back.

A little history on where I live: I once shared this apartment with my best friend and my ex. We were very much like family. My best friend moved out to further his career and months after that my ex and I broke up and he moved out. I have been well put together and have pressed on with myself. However, I am still very much affected. I look around this house..and yes..I love my roommates! But the 3 of us (being my ex and best friend) did so much work on this apartment from the floors to the ceiling (literally) that it is haunting at times. I feel so left behind and homeless in this place. But I don't see a point in moving to another apartment because I just want to get out of this city.

Time goes by and I am just fine. I have a good job, great roommates, my baby girl Nina and I am living comfortably with my cash flow. But then those days creep in and I feel so awful. I miss my ex terribly and it breaks my heart some mornings to wake up in the same bed, same sheets and pillows...and not have him by my side. I don't even sleep on his side of the bed. My best friend as well. I miss being able to just chill and go out and walk around and talk shit. I see his old room sometimes and I think of all the hard work that was put into it and it just gets to me.

My best friend and I will eventually be at the same place at the same time and our relationship is still just as good. My ex and I...well..we'll never be able to be friends at this rate and without that, we'll just always be a memory to each other. It saddens me because I love him with everything in me, but I can only do so much. I feel like a lot of these feelings will lift once I move. Its one thing to remember...its another to have to be reminded of it everyday.

So yes, I am pursuing photography but its gonna keep me here a little longer...and Im just a little down..but it will work out. I just had to let that out.

Thanks for getting this far.

Still Going.

Things are at a small breaking point. Now that my birthday has passed I am making the right moves to get my finances in check. I am in debt but not by much. However, I need as much as I can get if I want to move this year. Its coming together slowly but surely...baby steps!

It has come to my attention that some of the people that I enjoy surrounding myself with may or may not be saying some not so nice things about me. Don't you hate that? The one person who brought it up decided to conveniently make himself totally unavailable. Therefore I have no details on who said what and exactly why. I could go to the parties that are involved but that might make me look a little tacky and desperate..so I will keep my mouth shut and refrain from interacting with these people. Not sure if that is the best thing to do but that is how I react to negativity. I walk away and press on.

Honestly..it is confusing to me..but I have no control over these things. I am myself and that's all I have to offer. If people have words to say behind my back I see that as them having a problem. If you have a problem...be a man and say what's on ur mind. If that's not how u deal with things..thats fine. I am not offended...but I don't want to be around that kind of a person(people).

I have a lot to say on this subject but really...who cares? And why make myself sound like a victim?

I'm just fine.