Next

I miss being a boyfriend and I want to be one again. I can say that I am over with the idea of seeing my ex and rekindling "moments." When I say that I don't mean that I don't want to try it again in the future. It means that I am not playing myself anymore by entertaining his sexual advances nor am I going to throw myself at him like I have so many many many times. I honestly miss being there for somebody and I am ready to try and be a good man again.

Not looking for a huge production of a relationship and you know what...Im not even looking for a relationship. Its too soon..I think. I just want to meet somebody and feel nice. You know that tingly feeling you get when you first meet somebody? I want that...I want to give that to somebody. I want to cook for somebody and take them out to a different restaurant once a week. I want to slow dance in my room and have it lead to kissing and end up in my bed.

Somebody out there is very familiar with that last line.

I Guess.

So it has been awhile since I have last posted. A lot has gone on of course because this is a very important time of transitioning for me. The thought of writing it all is exhausting and Im just not going to because the moment has past and I just don't give a fuck.

I am good.

Weekend Blog (finally)

As you can see this was quite the weekend. I had a great time just hanging out, partying and laughing all weekend. Lets see…Thursday night was Embassy. We (my best friend and I) had straightened my hair. It was tall and out of control but we forgot to add products so I sweat my hair back to semi curls after dancing thru a few songs. I was sporting some sort of Elvis Mohawk…it was very cha cha looking but it worked. Anyhoo we got to the club a little before 1am and its Boston so we had about an hour left.

My ex was there with his boyfriend from NYC so that was a bit weird but it was whatever. What can I do? He has moved on and I so have I …to an extent. At least I have sexually. I made my way to my ex and said hello and we gave each other a kiss on the cheek. After that I stood there for a sec..with his new BF just looking at me. Not sure if it was a bad look or just a look. I tried not to make eye contact because of course it was weird for me. Clearly it was an awkward moment for the ex, and I totally understand. But I guess that’s not my problem.

(on a side note: My ex and his BF have been involved pretty much right after we broke up. Since then we have kissed, held hands, laid in my bed and even had oral sex within the last few weeks. Two weeks ago he stopped me in the club to tell me he misses me and that his first thought in the morning is me and that his last thought at night is me and that he wished he never would have moved out. I felt kinda dirty seeing his new BF face to face. Im not a cheater...but I felt like one.)

Either way I had a great time and I danced my ass off. Im starting to get my skills back and I am happy about that. My year of being depressed (2005)for no reason has been long gone so there is no reason for me to be shy about dancing anymore. I still get stiff sometimes and every now and then I get off beat…but I just keep going cuz practice makes perfect. Even though I am still having the same image problems as before, my self esteem is at a high right now. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. So that was Thursday.

Friday I got up early and got an HIV test. I kinda had an incident back in March and I was a bit worried about it. It was so low risk that when I told the man who tested me he giggled. Im not gonna say what it was lol. Just know that I am super safe and that is why to this day I am still Negative. I now owe my friend (so adorable) Miguel a date because I told him if I came out negative we would “celebrate.” Friday night we all went out dancing and drinking again. I now have a piece of glass lodged into my left palm because I cracked a 40 bottle of liquor open. It was fun swinging it around until the blood came. lol No more on that!!! I have decided to cut back on the drinking because if I keep drinking Im going to develop an addiction. For real.

Saturday I don’t remember. It was a long day and I think I slept a lot. I know on Saturday night we tore that damn club up! Once again I found a box to claim for the evening and I met somebody there from..guess where? New York. He told me him and his friend watched me dance and that they loved the way I move. I told him his friend was cute and we have kinda made plans to all go out this Friday when I get to NY. I just want to say that I love you Johnny and Patrice!! We need to kick it more...even if its outside of the partying.

Sunday I didn’t do shit. Just some very light grocery shopping to get thru the week before I depart for NY again. After this NYC trip I am going to try my BEST to stay away until late August. I need to not go out as much and focus on me. And I need to save up my money so I can move. Plus it costs a lot to look this cheap. lol

Stephanie, thank you for opening your doors to me and my closest friends. I might be quiet or moody looking or just plain weird..but I really pay attention and really appreciate everything.


Mikey

Good Times with Good People

Pic Archive.

http://redreportpics.blogspot.com/

This is where I archive the personal pics I have on my blog. All of the pics I use end up here.
For future reference you can always find this link when you click on my "About Me" pic.

Enjoy.

Waiting

Im just going to wait. Not sit around and wait...but wait for other "people" to show me what they want. Im not chasing anybody or anything anymore. Its not flattering and quite frankly its very tiring. If you want me....Im yours. Just like that. Play your cards right and do right by me. Im complex only because I like everything to make sense. I like to keep shit simple but people love to play games...therefore I am percieved to be complex. Trust me...its true.

Im so ready to love again.....

Me...Torn?

Ok. Lets get straight to the point here. I hung out with somebody I used to really be into. Like..really really be into(we'll call him Italy). For reasons I dont feel like typing, we just couldn't be together. It just wasn't happening. I let go a long time ago and of course I was with "him" for the last few years so I really wasnt thinking about anybody. However I will say that whenever me and Italy would speak or hang out I would always get this rush. Its hard to explain...but its a very anxious feeling.

We hung out for a few hours and all we did was just talk and watch music videos. Damn. I realize now why I like him so much and I guess I have never gotten completely over him. The ending (if there ever was one) was blank. Nothing happened. We just stopped. See. Look at me. I can;t even get my sentences together. He is from NY (lord where else?) and was just visiting. He wants to hang out when I get there so I guess I'll be calling him.

Before he left there was this very awkward moment where it looked like he was about to lean in and kiss me...but I backed up and he paused for a sec and then backed up himself. At least that is what it felt like....I could have just made it up. lol No...Im not. Im just trying to not get caught up. I figure its just not worth it at this point to start something up with him. Its the type of thing where I would want a lot out of it and I just can't give myself up like that right now. ::sigh:::

Well..in 2 weeks I'll be in NY and we'll see what happens then.

Allergies.

Why am I always unprepared for Allergies every year?? I spent about 23 years without them...so why in the hell are they all in my shit now? lol


Sux.

Floor Pics

I Have one more, but its a bit much. ::blushing::

With Time

To never give up
To never stop
And to always be honest
Im running this long road
To hopefully get to your heart
Please tell me you’re true
Tell me no lies
I have never been so sure
Never have I desired
The way I do now
Respect me
I know no logic
I can be taken advantage of
Run with me
Run far and fast past
All of the unsure feelings
That can take over our minds
Forget with me
Leave all of those unflattering moments
In the dust embrace my love
And enjoy my sincerity
I tell you no lies
Because I want you to see me for what I am
Still…

Can We?

No fires here
Just my slow burning
smoldering lust for you
I dream about your body
and it wets my mouth
Your smooth skin compliments
The hair on my face
And I long for the day
That I can show you
What I am about
Throw it out the window baby
I love it all
Don't be shy
I really am that kind of guy
Tell me your fantasy
Even if its been done
Lets do it again
Make it better then the last

Temperature around me is irrelevant
Because Im always hot for you
Let me hold your hand when we kiss
Because its more then you think
Show me your favorite position
I don't even have to touch you
Just let me watch...

Random Poem (unfinished)

I understand why you run from me
What I gave wasn’t enough
Although I tried to make it better
I ended up getting in the way
I dream about you and all of your
Angelic qualities everyday
Its out of my hands now
You are gone and I no longer cry
Because there is no use
But didn’t I try?

Time heals wounds
But it doesn’t take away the memories
We will move on but a part of us
Still remains within you and I
Just like a movie

I love you and I try not to question
What you brought into my life
It is obvious that
You touched my soul
Because I still want you to be
My “wife”

Explanation

This is off the top of my head shit while I was at work. I still get these random...umm..i dont know..moments? Yeah..moments of emotions. But i write them out of my system and its back to me. For those of you who actually keep up with me..scary...please know that its not all like that! lol This is my guilt..but not the whole truth of the matter. Im a good man..i promise.

NYC Pride.

I should have stayed home. But at least I got good sex again.

For My Pleasure.

So as I came out of work I walked by a man playing some sort of Hackie Sack game and he takes a double take at me and blurts out "Nice Do!" He was referring to my hair. He then says, "Why did you get it done that way?" I answered with "For my pleasure." His face was priceless..mouth all open...lol. Thanx.

Reminder
So I have been blessing this blog with many pics this month because I have so much to say that I have been dreading all of the typing I have to do here. So me posting pics reminds how I have been living this month. Just a reminder to everybody who reads my blog..I write here for myself. I periodically go back and read my entrees so I can see how I have progressed. Or how I have fallen behind.

Sex
I have had a lot of sex in the last week. I actually haven't told anybody about all of the sex I have been getting. Even a threesome (is that a real word?). It has all been protected and I am still stingy with kissing and oral sex (my mouth is for eating thank you) because I am very picky with where my mouth goes. Sex isn't the same right now. I am of course still crazy in love with my ex so I m sure that has something to do with it. However there is one person that I did kiss and kiss a lot. I pretty much thru my oral stinginess out of the window for this one. No, I am not interested in dating him...but you cannot deny sexual chemistry (I think thats what it is...LOL).

Dating
Nope.

Still...
I am still very sad. I hold it in well and I do not let it consume me to the point where I can no longer sleep (like Feb thru may). I am having a good time right now. It is a complete 180 for me right now. I go out all the time, I meet new people all the time and I drink now. However I am going to make an effort to stop partying as much because a lot of it is to get away from the pain that I carry. I am a man broken and I sometimes forget how hurt I still am. All it takes is one song....one moment or one picture to set me back for a few hours. All of this hurt all of this regret and sorrow convinces me that I am able to love big. This is a horrible time in my life...but this horribleness has shown me I am capable of giving myself to somebody with all of my heart. I am very grateful. I refuse to let go. I am sure some people think I am having a hard time letting go...but Im not. I have made a conscious decision to hold onto what my heart finds to be true. I feel like I am meant to be with "him." I could be totally wrong and if I am then I will just be a better man for somebody else. However until I am proven wrong this is how I am going to be. Am I going to not date or stop that part of my life? No. Not at all. I am going to continue to do what I have to do until I either win him back...or until it is obvious that I can't. You can't just shake off my love. Its unconditional and I just don't give up that easily.

Future
I need to make some changes in my life. Again..all of the partying (which I love!) is just going to hurt me in the long run. I need to focus and get my money right. Not just that but I am incredibly skinny right now. This is the skiniiest I have been since I was a teenager. So I plan to party less and eat more and hit the gym like 4 times a week. I have done this before so I know I can do this again. My trips to NY have to be more spaced out because it is really hurting my funds. I am trying to move to NY so I have been trying to soak in as much of the city as possible. I have grown to love that place for what it is. Crazy like me.

More....

NY Moments and People

Finally

No regrets.

Still

Still lost
Still sad
Still hopefull
Still in love
Still obsessed
Still incomplete
Still a mess
Still crying
Still making it thru.....

Sexness Ramble

I haven't had sex in months. The last person I had sex with is my ex and I have been too picky to fuck with anybody else. Our sex was off the chains (not ALL the time..but u know..) and Im not desperate enough to settle for less. Lately tho the ex and I have had some physical run ins that have been pretty nice. One in particular (thursday) was...umm....well u know what..lets just say there was 2 "endings" involved. I feel tacky right now but whatever. This is what happens when a man is deprived of sex for 3 months.

What sux about messing with the ex is that he is into somebody else at the moment (tho he says its not serious) and well..thats not a good feeling. I don't want to be a part of any cheating equation but I guess its too late if thats the case.

On a random note....Im still single and Im so ready to date. lol

Hotel Photos

It's true what they say about hotel's...














Forever.


The view...

Yes.

June 2nd, 2006.