Waiting Room Blues

This is unfinished. I typed this out on my phone while I was sitting in a clinic waiting room earlier today. Every now and then, I find myself sitting somewhere, feeling overwhelmed about life, and I type it out. I decided to share this one because I haven't been so emotionally conflicted in a long time. The last few weeks have been such a roller coaster ride. Every time I thought I had it in control, I didnt. Anyhoo, here are my cut and pasted thoughts, spelling and grammatically incorrect and all:

"I feel so lost right now. Its an all too familiar feeling and it hasn't gotten old yet. It still hurts. I feel like a failure...I feel violated, foolishly impulsive and even a little speechless. I want things to go back. I want things to be better. I want it all to go away. I want to not be the victim and I want to not make somebody else the villain...and vice versa.

I shouldnt have written that fucking email.

I want to be happy and make you happy too.

I have plenty of issues and will never be perfect, so I dont expect you to meet an unfair standard. I understand that you have to take the good with the bad...Im still trying to figure that out actually. How much bad can I accept? Does the good outweigh the bad? Am I being foolishly impulsive again? So many things I dont know how to answer.

The very few things that I do know are that I am ridiculously in love with you and...I have had such great times with you in the last 5 months. Im sorry for many things, known and unknown. Im also not sorry for many things as well. This is literally the lowest and highest part of my adult life. I know I have put you through the ringer, but these are the cards that have been dealt to me and I am doing all that I can do. I would like to say you deserve better, but I know regardless of my living situation, I am very valuable. I know my worth.

but of course I want you to be here for my rebound. That, I know, you deserve.

I haven't cried about this and I dont want to. I just want to figure it all out and progress.

Its just so hard when it doesnt come easy."

Photo's in WIlliamsburg

Harvey and I walked around Williamsburg and went to town with the camera. Here are the pics he took of me. I will post his pics as soon as he picks his favorites.

Old Header.

This is the first official header I designed for this blog (in 2008). I created it in my red room, in Boston. Hence it being called "The Red Room." I live in Brooklyn now and decided I would change the name of my blog and incorporate my commute to the city and back, on this new header. Behind me, is the Williamsburg Bridge, where the JMZ train travels on.

It was on that bridge, as I looked at Manhattan while the train was pulling into Essex/Delancey, that I realized that I was now living in NYC. It was what my friend Ryan, would call an "Oh shit moment." A year and a half later, I am still here, still trying to get my hustle on and still loving this incredible city. This view of the bridge is also where my love brought me during a very cold day in December.

Shout out to Harvey for taking the pics of me literally jumping around Bedford Ave.

"Special?"

When you hit a certain age and you have had your fair share of dates and relationships, is there anything "new?" I spent all of my 20's feeling like all of my dates and I were experiencing all of these feelings together for the first time. That doesn't seem to be the case anymore. So if it is no longer new, is it still special?

When did everything stop being special?

Not that I am being a cynic or anything. I still enjoy love and all of the things it (love, dates, relationships) brings, even if I have experienced it before. But when those feelings come to me, I know exactly what they are now. Where as before, I wouldn't and it would make it all that much more intoxicating. Maybe its like liquor and my tolerance is high? Im still enjoying the drink, but Im not getting shit faced in an instant.

I am not writing this to take anything away from anything I am feeling or will feel in the future, its just an observation. Anyhoo, this has been in my head for awhile now and I wanted to get it out of my system. Im sure somebody else out there feels the same. And hopefully, like myself, you are an optimistic thinker and are not taking away from any present relationship.

If it feels good, let it flow.

Always in my Heart.

This was written on Monday night while I was on the bus coming back from

Boston:

As I sit on this bus, I'm thinking of how my past has created my present and how grateful I am. All the good and all of the bad has added up to this.

I spent 5 days in Boston because my grandfather lost his battle to cancer. That man raised me, so it's been rough. Growing up, my biological father was never in the picture, so my grandfather filled that void. He was not the perfect father, but he truly was enough and he loved me so much. Anything I needed, I had. He really was an 'all action and no talk' kind of man. Its a hard trait to come by, and I always respected it.

My grandfather was the definition of selfless. He gave and gave and gave and never asked for anything in return. With 3 decades of military service, he had soldiers at his burial along with the American flag draped over his coffin. The soldiers folded the flag and then gave it to my beautiful grandmother.

I want to say that I'm done mourning and ready to celebrate his life, but that's not true. It's a process and seeing his coffin get lowered into the ground did something to my soul. Death is inevetible, but it never gets easier to digest...especially when somebody close to your heart, passes on.

I have conflicting emotions. I feel energized because I want to use this as a way be a stronger person, but I also feel a little fragile. With that being said, I will take this opportunity to push on with more zest and I want to cherish the time I have on this planet. Life isn't that serious. One of the few beauties of a funeral service, is that you get to see people in your family that you haven't seen in awhile. As dysfunctional as my family is, they are so beautiful and I love them. Usually in small doses, but love nonetheless. ;)

Here are some pictures I would like to share. My family is a little bit of everything. Jewish, Jamaican, Cambodian and more. (And of course my amazing extended family, Marie, Harvey and Daland, were present.)

RIP Angel L. Colon

August 22, 1935 - March 10, 2010

I love you Papi,

Michael

xoxo

Communication Changes.

I am quite impressed with my self restraint these days. I have realized that as self aware and opinionated as I am, all can be lost if said at the wrong moment. Word vomit can ruin the message. As much as i am impressed with myself, I am also frustrated. The days of carefree communication are out the window. Well, not totally, but there was a time where I would fly off the handle and make sure my feelings were placed on a table for all to see. Sometimes I would shove it down people's throats. Now, I understand that the instant gratification of 'letting it out,' is temporary. I need more then that.

I often keep myself in check because I know that my way of thinking is a little obsessive. Its like I am too connected to my thoughts and feelings. Again, as great as that is, its a curse as well. What appears to be obvious to me, may not be the same to the next person because they dont live in their feelings and thoughts the way I do. When I describe it, it makes me feel like I am describing a person who thinks too fucking much. Which is true..and something I have been working on for awhile. Change isn't always easy.

Lots and lots of changes...but all good.

Pollution.

I decided to go to the corner bodega without my phone. I also walked at a normal pace, and not my usual speed walking madness. I was having one of those, "I want the phone to ring, but I don't want it to ring," kind of day. While walking to the bodega, it felt nice to feel the cold breeze against my face and ears, running through my hair and allowing my mind to not be occupied by whats going on in my phone (apps, twitter, facebook, texting). As I was walking back to my house, I realized that my mind is polluted with a lot of trivial junk...and now is not the time to occupy so much of my time with such.

I have lots to be thankful for, and trust me, I recognize it everyday, but...things could be better. As always, I have a positive outlook on everything, but damn, I'm tired. Not "giving up" tired...I just have hit so many walls and I am..well..I don't know how to put it into words. I just wish things were different. But I know, things happen for a reason and yes, I will overcome all of this mess and it will be great. I can't wait for that day...I think about it all the time.

Please don't take this as a "woe is me.." post. I don't need sympathy..I'm just having an honest moment while listening to Sade's Soldier of Love, CD.

Today, I felt lonely for the first time in years. And its not because I wasn't with my friends or my boyfriend, it was mainly because I miss the person I used to be. I know that we progress and should never aspire to be what we were in the past. However, I just feel so messy and uncomfortable...which of course makes me a little insecure. I try not to look at the rest of the world and compare my living situation with others, because that's kind of insensitive. We all have different paths and obstacles, and at this moment, I can only deal with mine (but my prayers are for all ;).

I guess its a trade off I have to balance. Before this, I was unhappy but with a good amount of money and a successful career. Now, I am a happier person, dating somebody I am crazy about, I love where I live and I don't feel like a misfit here. I had none of those things before this.

Just gotta make it through...I have no other choice.

I have to be in Boston this week to visit family, and I cannot wait to be back already! LOL

Anyhoo, thanks for entertaining my personal thoughts and concerns.

If I can do it, so can you!

xoxo

Boys cut.

My hairstylist, Ryan Nickulas of Ryan Darius Salon, gave me a regular boys cut. lol Its actually one of my favorite haircuts in awhile. Don't get me wrong, he always does a great job, but I feel very cute and simple with this cut.

Birthday Love.

Feb 15th, was my birthday, but I celebrated it on Feb 12th at the F-Word (at Rebel Nightclub). A great time was had by all. I had over 40 people present, but I was much too drunk to get them all on camera! 5 shots of Patron and I missed the Daisy Spurs, Adam Lambert, Sahara Davenport and Rebecca Glasscock! If you don't know who any of those people are, google'em! ;)

Thanks again to everybody who came out to party with me.

xoxo

Hurt = Strength

I am so raw right now. I'm listening to Sade's new cd and I am letting go of some demons tonight. My heart hurts, my head is light and I am physically ill. In this month alone, I have been hit with many obstacles...and although I will overcome them, I am hurting a lot. I am not one to burden my friends or family with my problems because nobody is without their own. So I either keep them to myself and go on a quest to solve them, or I post them here.

This space is mine after all.

Without giving too many details, cancer has crept its way into my life via a very important family member. I pray as often as I can. I have lots of faith and I know that Gods will, will be done...but it still hurts.

Everything else is questionable as well. Could be a lot better, could be a lot worse. Just gonna keep thinking positive and I know that some way, some how, I am going to get it all together. I know things are going to get better and that all of this hurt, is just going to peel away and create a better, stronger me.

On a positive note, I have been spending a lot of time with somebody that I adore....hopefully he will stay around to see that the mess I am now, is only temporary. If not, this too, will help me in the long run.

I have cried enough tonight but I hope all who read this can either relate or at least understand that obstacles cannot keep you down. Even when it hurts, you gotta stay strong and think positive.

;)

Like a (little) Brother.

Paul is like a younger brother. Not because we are alike, because really, we are polar opposites, but because he reminds me of a younger brother... and I really do care for him as one.

Here and there.

I have lots to say, but I am having one of those moments where I feel it is best to just let things ride. Im gonna keep being positive and reaching for success. Thats all I can do...I have no other options. In the meantime, here are a few pics from the last few months. House parties, clubs, around Williamsburg BK and behind the scenes at a music video shoot. All good times.

Also, peep my cameo in this video. I met up with Angel Laws, creator of Concreteloop.com, and Coco and Breezy. Just a reminder, Coco and Breezy are the girls who created the ferocious studded glasses that I wore in some pics I posted here a few months back. Im sure your memory will be refreshed once you see this vid:

Links to have: Coco and Breezy and Angel on Fire.

Enjoy.

Remixed.

I took some pics that I posted last year, and played around with them in Photoshop.

It was fun making these. I need to get back into Photoshop, I used to be pretty good.