Quietly

I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything on my blog, but I have been living too much to do so. Nothing dramatic, Im still single, and I am still employed at the same place (for now), but I also started a class in photography as well.

first of all, being in a school setting is very challenging. I have never been good at school and I can never seem to focus or understand half of the shit that comes out of the teacher's mouth. I try so hard to focus but even with trying to focus, I end up not understanding. It makes more sense now that I know that I have ADD, but it still sucks. I try sit low in my seat so that the teacher doesn't ask me any questions and at times I feel like just leaving the class because I feel dumb. Really..I do. I know that I am not, but its those moments that make me (literally) hot under my collar and I have to put myself in check because I have missed too many opportunity's being afraid and feeling inferior to everybody who can easily pick up a book or listen to an instructor and be able to make sense of it at a speed that I cannot comprehend.

I tried the drug route, but after being on 3 different meds, I can't do it. They work for a few hours, but I crash and my attitude sucks. I sometimes didn't even know who I was when I took them. I would be so rude and disconnected from everybody. I am not that person.

My job went thru some big layoffs at the beginning of the year and we are about to have some more layoffs in the next week or so. This time it may be massive and I am hoping for the best. I have been at my job for over 3 years and I have survived 2 downsizings. I work with some really amazing people and no mater if I keep my job or not, I will be losing some people that are very important to me on a daily basis.

To the person this applies to:

"Do you ever get tired of hearing yourself speak? Do you ever feel like maybe you should do some more listening and less time talking about yourself? Really, when you hang up the phone, do you realize that everything that was said to you (that didn't involve you or ur opinion) was quickly brushed aside by another topic about yourself? Friendships work better when you can share a conversation instead of picking up the phone and putting me thru at least an hour of ...you.

I love you, but its not a good thing when I question why I do..

I am not a fan, I am your friend..if you don't know the difference or if there isn't much of a difference in how you treat the 2..then I am all set."

Other then that, I am just fine.

;)

Let it be

I went to another therapy session today (thursday feb 7th). It was very awkward and I do not think I need to go to that place anymore. I understand how important something like therapy can be for certain individuals...but not for me. Sitting there for an hour talking about myself and my problems is just too much (and boring).I am telling this person all of these important things about me and then when I leave I feel like I have gotten nothing out if it. If anything I leave feeling raw...for no reason.

One thing that I got out of my session actually hurt me. I was slightly late (as I am for everything) and I mentioned that being late is almost like having a disease. The therapist then said that it is. And it is part of my ADD. I was blown away that she said that because I believed her and yet I never put the two together. In that one moment of clarity, I felt so vulnerable and foolish.

That realization snowballed into a deep feeling of despair for my coworkers. I knew that I had to go into that empty office and face the fact that I wouldn't be seeing the people who taught me how to get my job done, made me laugh, encouraged me, inspired me and loved me. I had to go in there knowing that the last time I saw them here..they were crying or walking away in disbelief. And yet, I had to go there and work.

I couldn't finish my egg and cheese croissant at Dunkin' Donuts because I felt so awful. I exited and walked towards the train station thru wind and snow. As cold as it was, my face was hot and my eyes welled up. I was tempted to just call out and go home because I was emotionally distraught. However, I couldn't let my sadness get the best of me. Like everything else, it will pass.

I may not work with these people anymore, but life isn't over. If any of my coworkers and I are meant to be friends outside of work, it will happen.

If not, no love lost. None at all.
I live to love.

Storm

This year has begun with a lot of resentment and bitterness. I cannot pin point it, but I seem to not be able to control my attitude. I need space...a lot of it.

I somewhat regret setting up a party for my BDay because I am unsure if I have any real friends at this point. A room full of random "friends." I have no idea who I can trust and who is just using me. I know..its not that deep..but something in me feels like it is.

I feel very trapped and disconnected. One minute Im fine and the next Im just angry as hell at the smallest thing and I really just want to go off and break shit and cuss people out. I have never felt such intense feelings. Im trying to understand where it is coming from because this isnt healthy for me.

It keeps me up at night and I wake up with headaches.

I don't want to go to work but I don't want to stay home either.

I feel like I don't even know myself...

..but I will be fine.

I promise.

It Ends and it Begins

This year, I will not be as nice and I will not be used by the people who are supposed to be my friends. I may not have as many friends after this year, but if I do.,it may not be the ones I have now...and I am ok with that.

If you eat all of the cookies at once, you have none left for later.

My Ritalin Odyssey

Where did September go?

I'll sum it up:

RIP Angie Infiniti (pictured on the left). You will always be an important part of my life. No words can describe how much I learned from you. You were the most selfless person I have ever met.

I Love you.

I worked close to 6 days a week

One of my best friends moved back to Boston

Louisiana paid me a visit..and so did my house bro.

I was placed on Meds for my ADD.

It was all capped off with my trip to Atlanta, which is the bulk of this blog.

Here goes....

I went to ATL to meet somebody I have been in contact with for the last 7 years. I have always had this slight crush on him because after all of these years I never lost interest in him. We spoke online and sometimes on the phone and he always brought a lot to the table. One of the smartest people I have spoken to and extremely attractive.His pictures showed me an adorable face...his eyes filled with unknown innocence and pouty lips that would make anybody want a kiss. Its amazing how 2 people can make contact thru a website and manage to maintain a friendship for so many years and not have officially met.

Along with being friends, we flirted a whole lot. It has always been simple. No expectations and the flirting was not what kept us in contact. These are some of the things that made me like him throughout all of these years. Buying the ticket was a bit scary because I knew that things could possibly change. However, I am new. Where I wasn't into risk taking, now, I am. Everything before I got on the plane was very normal. My feelings weren't going crazy and I didn't feel like something was going to happen. I wanted to go into this with little to no expectations because I had no idea what to expect. But...beneath all of the neutral feelings, somewhere inside me, I love this man..and I have for many years now. I was never sure (and still not sure) what kind of love it was (is) because I was with somebody for a few years in between and well...I just don't know. That's all I can say...I guess. Maybe as I am typing the rest of this blog I'll figure it out...or not.

Fast forward to when I got off of the plane. I walked towards him and all of the feelings, big, small and hidden...did not come to point like I thought they might. Maybe it did, but was so small I didn't notice. I expected maybe a big hug and lots of smiles. Maybe just a couple of smiles. None. I think I gave a shy smile but it was met with expressionless eyes.I felt like I was meeting up with a friend for lunch that I saw the day B4. Very anticlimactic. Again, before I left I made sure to have no expectations, I simply went to meet this man face to face because 7 years is a long time and I felt comfortable enough to get on a plane for this "meeting."

Being that this was my first time meeting him face 2 face, I let it go because I didn't know if this was how he is. Some people are very expressionless and you don't get a sense of that by chatting online or conversations over the phone. People are multifaceted and sometimes you have to see them in the flesh to get a better understanding.

There were some little things I learned about him that made me a little sad. But I understand that is my problem and I have to remember that people live their lives differently. And its ok. My views are mine and nobody else's. It was nothing major and Im fine as long as he is.

At the airport, when I was leaving, I decided to make the effort to give him a hug since the opportunity was missed when I first got there. I started to give him a big hug but it was met with one of those pat-on-the-back hugs. Very business and impersonal.

I am a little disappointed. I hate admitting that because you know....I tried to go into this with no expectations. But, I feel like I now know this person less then I did when I got there. I do not like him any less. At all...I still have so much love and respect for him because he is still a good person. I do, I really do.

We have different shoes to fill.

And you know, I didn't have a bad time...I actually had a good time. I pushed all of that weirdness aside for most of the trip. This is what I went there for...to meet him and see what he is like in person. He is no less important to me then he was before I went on this trip.

It's close to 2am and I am still awake, writing.....

Keep It Down.

The title of this blog is brought to you by one of my favorite songs off of the album Tasty, from Kelis.

So far, this month has been filled with work. I have been working pretty much 6 days a week and I have barely had enough time to clean my room. Going from having 3 days off a week to just one day off a week is kind of taking its toll on me. My patience is very short and I really don't feel like entertaining anybody's shit right now. This blog can get really long because I have a lot to say...so I will bullet some items to make this a smoother process.

*Money. I am on greed status, so I will continue to work my ass off thru September.

* Friends that act brand new: If you don't have time for me now, then I will fall back and make sure not to include you in what I do. If you decide to have time for me again, I still will most likely not include you in anything. I used to have this friend who would always act like he had no friends when he was involved with somebody else and would show up when they were having problems or when he was single. I cut him off because I didn't need fair-weather friends.

Flash forward to now, and another one of my friends is following in my previous friends footsteps. Men like that are usually weak minded/needy and for some odd reason lose site of their friends and surrender themselves to who they are with. Its like this new person is some sort of savior.

Fool me once, but not again. I aint got time for that shit.

*Im still single, but I have been spending my nights for the last month on the phone with somebody I like. Not sure how to take it because there are so many negative variables. However, I have been very honest with this individual and he knows that I am not looking for a relationship. He is very sweet and adorable...a shorty too. I got mad love for the shorties. ;)

*One thing I don't believe I have shared before is that I recently saw a specialist for ADD. So, what I have always known is true...I have ADD. I am now taking the proper steps to dealing with it in a more effective way.

*I went to a ball yesterday and brought Jesse (the girl I took pics of with the blonde hair) with me. She took a look around and looked at me...paused..and said, "Mikey...you don't fit in. What are you doing here?" I laughed it off, but she was right. It is time to leave that behind me as well. I judged and once my duties were done, I left and felt very confused. Honestly, I have no business being in that scene anymore. I am loyal to my House so if I ever make it to NYC, I will rethink my decision, but for now, it stands.

*I have some trips laid out,
September: Atlanta.
October: Virgina.
November: New Orleans.

I have a lot more to say but I am bored of typing already. Maybe its my ADD...lol

These are some pics from the ball and also some pics of a dinner date that 3 lovely coworkers and I had a few weeks ago.













Thanks for getting this far.