New Things

Im going to try new things this year starting with Kickboxing. I was looking for regular boxing classes but Kickboxing classes are closer to where I live..lol. To be good at kickboxing one must be in good shape and be mentally focused. Its a great combo that Im wiling to try. Im gonna stop by the class tomorow to get more info. Im so excited I took these pics..lol.







Wanna fight?

Not a Pretender

Its too late in the game to feel sad. That is what I just said to myself...out of nowhere. I have been surrounded by many problems these past few weeks. My sister is going thru a very personal crisis and has called me sobbing over some really vile shit. I wont get into that. I have been havng my own problems with my significant other, and 2 of my good friends seem to be in the company of drugs lately. I am leaving a lot of details out but its really not worth mentioning. Everybody has their moment... good or bad.

I am going to enjoy myself regardless of what is going on around me. Im going to practice letting go of negative feelings because I have too much to do with "self" right now. I am developing these awful pains in my hands and forearms which is most likely carpal tunnel syndrome. It hurt to jerk off the other day!!! lol But what can I do? I have to get better. No other choice.

I love myself and I love my life. Am I happy? No. But im not miserable and I look forward to being happy...some day. lol Happiness is so what you make it. Im happy when I drink my 3 dollar protien shake and Im happy when I make the right decisions...like buying my 3 dollar protein drink. Everything really adds up and maybe I need to START looking at what is right with me. I am one difficut muthafucka...but I am loved and I love others who love me.

I know this is out of left field for me but so what. This is my moment and I want to share it. Aaoowww!!



My sister Ivette. See the resemblance?

People, Healthy Food and Music by Res.

Not available. Seems everybody is busy with their own stuff right now and I aint mad at it. I got some stuff to take care of too so its all good. It makes me see how isolated I am. All it takes is about 2 people to pause my socializing. That sux man. That’s too much power to give so few people but it’s the price you pay for not trusting people for getting burned by other people. I need a new strategy because this is still technically putting all my eggs in one basket. I have such a love hate relationship with people…its ridiculous. RIDICULOUS!! Lol I love screamin that shit..I think I got it from Harry Potter. Well that’s all im gonna say about that shit…cuz what else is there to say? I need more friends biatch! You love it.

My job has been abusive lately. Since its so f-ing busy they have taken our 1 hour breaks down to 30 minutes for the past 3 weeks and I have had to settle for Subway and Au Bon Pain becaue I don't have enough time to run to BK or the food court. Its like im on a fucking diet…Im so full of healthy shit I feel like Im gonna get sick. That healthy shit is the worse man..it’s so expensive and it doesn’t even fill me up. I have a headache just talking about it. Its prolly cuz I’m still hungry.

Im listening to a Res song. I feel like whoever writes her music just takes the emotions from my soul and turns it into beautiful words and melodies that speak to my heart. Im listening to "Miracles" from the Maid in Manhatan Soundtrack. If you don't know about Res I have a link to her MySpace page. It has new material on it that isnt released but you can always cop her first CD "How I Do." Its the kind of album that is an investment. It is part of the soundtrack of my life.........


The woman who turns my emotions into music: Res

Boston + Winter = Funeral

Thats right kiddies, Boston is like a big funeral all winter. Sexy aint it? This weekend was extremely long and I don't think I verbally spoke to anybody. Well not totally but I don't remember having more then 3 convo's all lasting 5 minutes or less. The usual suspects were pretty much out of reach this weekend and I made use of my room. I cleaned it, took a nap in it and watched TV too!

I have a lot of things to accomplish this year and on this 8th day I feel like I havent done anything. But it has only been 8 days! I started 2 things already: gym (physical fitness) and a small plan to get my credit (monetary fitness?) together. I am usually not trusting of other people unless they are in my very small circle. Recently I feel like my circle has been tainted and I just can' put my finger on it. So...Im just going to keep it moving. What else can I do?

Is it bad to not care for anybody anymore? Am I that damaged that when people are intentionally unavailable to me I find them to be disposable? Was I that lonely as a child that I have no imediate fear of cutting everything off? I ask myself these questions a lot because I wish I were not like this. I hate to admit this but I am not happy. I hate being unhappy at the begining of the year because it just really drags the winter. My B-day is coming up soon and since it looks like I am about to be newly single (insert sad face) I have to find something to cover up the humiliating and very hurtful Bday I had last year. Anyhoo....it is what it is right? Im use to all this...so don't worry I am not going to jump off a bridge. Im just going to get stronger and get all of this out of the way.

What else am I gonna do? I have to be a babe for the summer dammit! There's a lot of work to do..chop chop!

One of my resolutions was to meet people in different places and actually have friends to call. I think my phone only knows how to dial 3 numbers. Seriously my phone rang about 4 times this weekend and it was from 2 people. Just think...you might get the chance to have a moody muthafucka like me as a friend this year!! Aaaooow!

Back To The Grind

Today was the first time I have been to the gym in 2 months. 2 months is long in fitness time. I am so skinny right now its rediculous but dammit my stomach is niiiice. No six pack but its flat and that it has not been in a long time. There were a lot of cuties at the gym and I had to control my eyes from wandering. Seeing hot guys at the gym is different then seeing them on the street. When I see them at the gym it motivates me...and sometimes makes my mouth water..but what can I say...my mind is a whore. Seeing hot guys on the street just adds to the scenery.

So I have been on this quest for physical stability for quite some time now and my personal expectations change year to year. Sometimes I want to be thick, other times I want to be lean. I have been ok with being thin (which I usually loath) and have actually thought about just staying thin and developing a nice lean physique. I guess it would make more sense since I am naturally a skinny bastard but don't we always want to be what we're not supposed to be? Is it not motivating to be what you want to be as opposed to what you're supposed to be? Who wants to bow down destiny dammit?

So while I was changing in the locker room I saw this beautiful thug looking latin man with just "everything." When I say "everything" I mean the total physical package: Strong facial features (jawline, chin etc.) thick legs and bootage (he was in his draws) and everything else was juuuust right. I noticed all this in a bout 2 seconds of viewing...LOL. C'mon..being small and pretty at the gym can get u in trouble for peeking... so you best beleive Im a pro at seeing what I gotta see. ::wink wink::

Those 2 seconds and the extra time I spent peeking while watching him walk away, has inspired me to try to be thick again. lol Mess. I spent 21 to 23 being thick and I loved it. I am 26 (27 on feb 15th) now and I have gone from normal to thin since then. I like to wear more fitted clothes now so I guess it would make more sense to fill those clothes out. I used to look like quite the young thug at one point. It was cute on me...but Im changing and my clothes are changing with me.

So yeah...I am now on my quest to be thick again! woo hoo to bootage!!

Here are a few pics from the years when I was "thick." Being that Im wearing my clothes in these pics you will have to go by my arms and face. It was much more full back then...


Sexy man..yummz.

Im So Bored.

This is me. How fun do I look right now?


Exactly.

Brokeback Mountain

If you plan to see this movie do not read this. Im gonna spill it all out because I can't hold it in anymore! I saw this movie twice back to back. I saw it on Sunday and then on Monday. I went twice because the first time I saw it I was alone and I had to see it with somebody else the second day so that I could share the beauty of this masterpiece. Don't get me wrong, its not the best movie I have ever seen, but it is damn close to it. Its basically a story of 2 young cowboys who meet each other at a somewhat job interview for some sheep hearding job. Being that they are the only ones that show up they get the job and start it the very next morning. Their job is basically to watch the sheep on Brokeback Mountain so that predators don't kill them. They have to do this for the whole summer and in 1963 there were no sidekicks, ipods or gameboys so you can imagine how that shit could be. As time goes by and they get to know each other a bit more, they begin to have this best friend type of chemistry. I honestly beleive they were both gay the whole time, but Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) seemed to be dying to come out of his shell.

As a matter of fact if it wasnt for Jack this story never would have taken place. Enis Delmar (Heath Ledger) was one of them men that prolly would be curious till the day he died if there wasnt any intervention. One night after getting pissy drunk (what else would they do?) they end up sleeping next to each other and in the middle of the night the sparks unexpectedly went off. It was a dramatic sex scene...not too graphic...but it was enough. After that night they pretty much gave into temptation. Enis said that this a "one shot deal," and also said "I aint queer" meaning I aint no fag but I'll fuck you up the ass while there aint nobody else around. Sounds like a jail story huh? Anyhoo, by the time they leave Brokeback Mountain they have built quite a bond that niether of them would dare admit.

Four years later, both married with children, they end up meeting up again and start sneaking behind their wives backs so that they can relive what they had on the mountain. It was love. It really was..but Enis would not let it go further then their rendevouz because he didnt want to break up his family. Which ended up happeneing anyways because his wife knew the whole time. Their love affair went on for about 20 years. The last time they saw each other Jack let Enis know that he is pretty much at the end of his rope and that he misses Enis so much sometimes he doesnt know what to do with himself. My heart really went out to him because it just seemed like such a real situation in this gay lifestyle. All that seceret shit can really bring a man to his knees. They get into this arguement and I guess leave things the way they are.

Flash forward a few months and Jack is dead. Yes...Jack is dead and Enis has to live without him. If you ask me Jack was Enis's true love. I felt a lot of sorrow for Enis because he was a stubborn man that let life pass him by because he refused to change.

The acting was great. Heath Ledger was AWSOME to say the least. he made me believe it...trust. Jake was really good too...I fell in love with his eyes and pretty lips in this movie. Michelle Williams (Alma) as Enis's wife was perfect. I am mos def going to watch out for her. I absolutely love this movie. Finally a classy movie with gay men who love each other. This movie makes me wish it were a true story so that I could cry about it. LOL Go watch it...if anyting go see it for a beautiful love story.


Enis Del Mar and Jack "Nasty" Twist


Enis Del Mar and Alma

Holiday Weekend Semi Reflection Rant

This Holiday Weekend came and went without me leaving the house. This is the second Christmas (in a row) that I have not celebrated. This was not planned however it wasnt a let down either. Next Holiday Season (because I most likely will not do anything special for this New Years Eve) I will be much more pepared because I refuse to pass up on partying and being just a little drunk. I guess its a fitting end to a year that I intentionally sat out of. I decided last year that I would sacrifice my year so that I may be able to go on this small journey of self healing in a different country. Well I plan on being back this coming year...but of course in a different way.

I love New Years...its such an excuse to go 180 on everybody w/o having to explain yourself.

This is the first year in 4 years that I have not indulged myself in a pair of Dior shades. NOW...I am not a label person, but I have an eyewear obsession. Its a sad obsession because I cannot see w/o my regular glasses and I refuse to wear contacts. I pretty much wear my Diors a few times for minutes at a time and then put them away. I got my first pair in South Beach while on my way to my (then) boyfriends hotel to get the money he owed me and to formally let him know it was over. I thought it would be "fab" to show up and look like the sexy people on Ocean Drive with a huge pair of Christian Dior Motards (flashy aviators...very JLO circa '01).

On my way to his hotel I stopped by this Drugstore that seemed to have hired the country of Cuba(im not racist...just blunt). I needed some water because it was so damn hot (it was july) and I didnt want my mouth to be dry when I cussed my (then) boyfriend out. I took a swig of water and was on my way. A few blocks later I realized that I couldnt read any of the street signs w/o my regular glasses on. It was then that I realized that I had left my regular glasses in little Cuba's Drugstore. Im not going to get into how I managed to find my way back or how rude the staff was to me because they thought I was accusing them of stealing when all I was doing was asking them if they had a lost and found.

I didnt get my regular glasses back and I never made it to my (then) boyfriends hotel. But I had my Diors and it looked great with my tan.


Wasn't this blog random?


These are not Diors. I actually don't even own these.

Just Wanted To Share Some Skin

The background was my tacky bathroom so I photoshoped the shit out of it to make it look like a studio photograph. Im critical about good pics. My days in the darkroom did me good. Who wants to help me get back into shape this year?

Say What?

Ok so I work in the customer service dept for a student loan company and I talk to so many different people from around the world..litterally.
This job never fails to let me know just how not-smart people can be. Getting a loan thru us is really a simple process. Follow the directions. Its as simple as that. However these people have to call over everything and some of the things they say to me cause me to really wonder how they made it this far in life where they are really going to college. I can't even form sentences about it anymore...lol Here is a list of some of the things these fuckers say:


Promissory Note:

1. Promishinary Note
2. Pronomanasary Note
3. Promise Note
4. Prominary Note
5. Camasory Act (by far the BEST)

Disbursement Date:

1. Disembursement Date
2. Dimbursement Date
3. Dismember Date (also...the best)

Co-Borrower/Co-Signer

1. Co-Borrier
2. Co-Borrer
3. Co-Acting
4. Co-Maker (my fav..lol)

Credit

1. Credik
2. Credikt


You know what...I have so much more. Especially quotes. But Im not in the mood to write about this now. I got other shit on my mind..like the blog Im about to write after this.....maybe Kerri can help me!

Comments.

I changed the setting on my blogs so that people can comment and remain anonymous. I hope I do not regret this.


Oldie but Goodie.

King Kong

You know why this movie got such good reviews? Because the people who reviewed it get paid to sit around and watch movies. That shit was too fucking long. It could have ended right when they got off Skull Island and it would have been enough. But of course what would this remake have been like w/o that beast jumping up and down in NYC? The special effects were nice but it was used so much that it just started to look fake. I loved the stampede part and I fell out when King Kong whooped those dinosaur's asses because he was really knockin' them bitches like a drunk man at a bar who knows how to throw a GOOD punch. Im talkin' bout GOOD hits! Like one of them old man hits...the kind that knock you the fuck out hits. Yeah one of them.

After awhile I really thought the movie was Jurrasic Park with all them fucking dinosaurs running around and shit. Wait...the natives. They were such nasty awful people. It was like the people from the Matrix (not the people living IN the matrix [us?] but the people hiding from them machine things..aw hell..you know what I mean) were turned into black ass zombies. And I dont mean black people...I mean PAINTED black by dirt or some kind of shit. Yeah...prolly their own fecal matter. They just looked like they stank too. And they had this old lady too..she kept talkin all this nonsense in their native tongue. If I was that blonde girl I really would have told her to stop all that crazy talk. "You need to shut that shit down...Im white and I dont speak you." Yeah thats what I would have said. I mean hell..at that point in time they looked they was about to kill her...so what did she have to lose by talkin shit? They didnt speak english no damn way!

Anyhoo, it wasnt a bad movie it was just too fucking long. After awhile I felt sorry for King Kong because he was out of his element and he showed emotion towards that blonde ho. However it was either us or him so he had to go! The one person I wanted to be killed off was that fat fuckin director that got them in that mess to begin with. He would have sold his family up the river for some kind of directorial fame. And of course the black man got killed. Well don't just listen to me...go see that shit for yourself. I really wanted to see Brokeback Mountain but they were playing it in small places that were just too far away. Shit...I have porn at home.



Is that Jack Black? He shoulda died. Its not too late actually...

Black Girls

I hate black girls. They are truly the worse. Let me clarify something though....I don't hate black people or black females...I hate black GIRLS. Let me specify a little more...I dont hate black WOMEN..I hate black GIRLS. Them black girls are so judgemental. They always got something to say and they always think because you are pretty and gay that you are somehow no longer a man. I have always tried to disregard this because I grew up with black people and I have really good black friends so I didnt want to seem racist (but who isnt to some extent?). But I cant battle the fact that me and most of my friends have always had troubles with these ghetto black hoes on the streets.

Yesterday I was on the train and these two black girls with bad pony tails was acting so shady and loud. The train got really crowded because everybody gets on this particular line since it goes to the mall. Right before the train enters the station the girls get up and start giving rude "excuse me's!" to everybody in their way. Guess where I was standing..the door. Yes people...they were headed my way. I don't give a fuck if you're a girl or not...you better not push me. So these hoes stop right behind me and to my suprise nothing happened. They didnt throw shade or suck their teeth. But I still hated them. lol

LOL

And Still

..no fucking sex. We all reap what we sow.


I got some after this pic....which reminds me of sex.

Stringing Along

Now is the time for action. So why are some people just sitting on the sidelines trying to figure out whats going on? Its happening right in front of your eyes! Maybe Im too much or just plain spoiled because I beleive in imediate and long term remedies not cover ups. A very sad situation I am in however I will survive. Life goes on.


Currently listening to "Stringing Me Along"
from 702. Remember them? I love them!

Sex and Fashion

Great combo right? Apparantly not all the time. I am such a sexual person and I thrive on sharing mutual lust for somebody. I want to be wanted just as much as I want...for somebody else. Does that make sense? You know like Marvin Gaye: "I want you the right way, I want you, but I want you to want me too." See Im not asking for anybody to give me what I would not give back. I can be just as giving and appreciative as the next person so give me what I deserve man!

Tonight I will once again go to bed with nothing in return. I want so much and I show it and I prove it all the time. Im not being selfish. I often find myself just giving up now. At one point I would pretty much demand what I felt I deserved. I cant do that anymore. I will not do it anymore. I hate to say this but if things dont change there will be reperucussions. I like to think Im attractive. Other people think I am too...well when I was single I felt that way. Now I know I have let myself go a little bit but not by that much. Sex should not be this difficult.

Anyhoo on to fashion. I have ALWAYS been fashion forward. My mom used to design clothes and dressed me in Lacosse (among other lables I cannot afford as an adult) at a very early age so I grew up with a sense of style. As I got older I experimented with a lot of different looks and I was never afraid to be alternative or grungy. I have had very long hair and very short hair and I have rocked my styles right. Fades, blow outs, braids, cornrolls twists, and dyed. I havent done it all..but I have done enough with this hair of mine.

I have felt the most comfortable in loose fit clothing. Although I grew up with many influences I have always leaned to my hip hop roots. I spent a big part of my youth in LA during the 80's while my uncles were in gangs and breakdancing. Lord thank gawd I didn't get into that cholo style!!! Anyhoo this last year has been tough on me financially and my taste has been changing. Not to mention I have been losing and gaining weight so much that depending on when I bought my clothes it might not look the same a month after its purchase. So since I havent been able to shop as much or even remain the same size, my clothes do not match. Either my t shirts (because thats all I have been able to afford) either look too small for my jeans or vice versa.

Footwear has been a battle too. I have fallen into this Puma wrestling boot phase that now makes me sick to my stomach. I really loved them at one point and I always managed to get the most exotic and expensive pair out there. Even if they had to be imported. Now I hate them because I can't afford anything new. So Im stuck in this sort of prancing shoe mode. Don't that shit suck? Im ready for a new style. Or at least something constant. What really needs to happen is I need to stick to a healthy diet and stay one size long enough to not have to feel like Im too small or too big therefore ruining whatever clothes I have recently purchased.

I just wanna get my nice body back so I can walk around half nekkid. I mean when I had a really nice body it was covered in baggy clothes. Now that Im older and I get way less sex I want my body back so I can feel sexy ....since I dont get any of it. Damn this is a long blog! Well to sum it all up...lemme do some push ups and put on some feel good clothes and seduce myself to sleep (again).

I would like to thank this blog for letting type all of this shit up. lol

::muahzz::



Fur Anybody?

PG-20's

I do not sleep with kids.

First of all I am involved with somebody and I am not sleeping with any new people period regardless of age. However if I were single I would not sleep with kids. That is gross. If you want to sleep with kids fine..do it. That’s your prerogative and I can’t stop you..nor will I try. I have heard some rumors about myself for quite sometime now in regards to sleeping with young men. Boys basically..and its gotten to a point where stories are being made. Stories that even include my boyfriend and having him be this huge victim to my infidelity. He laughs at it…but I know it bothers him..and it sure bothers me.

Its one thing for people to get upset because you don’t entertain their advances, but its another thing to make up stories. Stories are disturbing. What kind of a person does that? Ok..call me a whore. Say that Im easy and I sleep around. Everybody has had that told about themselves one time or another. Whether it be true or not. But stories that give specific details of when and how things went down is fucking disturbing. Makes you want to fight really. Call me all types of names and judge me all you want..thats ok. Its called an opinion. Or ignorance..whatever. But do not make shit up about me…I do not appreciate that.

Character assassination anyone? Right. I am honestly concerned with my reputation. I usually don’t give a shit either because I don’t give a shit about anybody’s views. But I don’t do children…c’mon now. Why does the end of the year for me always have to be tight? Every year…it never fails.

So its Thursday

Im just here chiling and healing. Yeah Im healing! And what? I am nervous about coming home because I am not going to have that much time in between coming from here and going to work. Such a huge change in eveything. What they call cold here is perfect weather for us...maybe some of us would put on a very light jacket over a t-shirt...but i mean really..the weather is fucking nice!

I am dramatic. Drama follows me to different countries too. Im telling you...the internet is the devil.



San Jose Costa Rica.

Attention

Do I look stupid to you? I hope the answer is yes because you need an excuse.


Thanx.

Concerts

So this month I have been lucky enough to see Nikka Costa in a small and very intimate venue and the Harajuku Lovers Tour. First off let me say that Nikka was amazing. And I'm not saying that because the tickets were $12!! lol She really made me know it that night. Watching her was like watchin sex. She made passionate love to that whole performance and her voice....whoa. She really reminded me of a totally rocked out Chaka Khan. Her vocal control was flawless and her adlibs were excpetional. She is a must see. I brought my boyfriend and he was floored. He didn't know too much about her but he is now a big fan. And I am so proud of that. I love intorducing people to good music. Music is my life.

On to the Harajuku Lovers Tour. In case you are completely out of touch with pop culture, the Harajuku Lovers Tour is Gwen Stefani's first tour as a solo artist. Opening up for her was the Black Eyed Peas. They were so energetic and funky! They have excellent stage presence and I didnt feel like anybody was any less important then the next member. That is so important for a group. We don't need anymore Destinys Childs showing us that all we need is 1 and a half members to make a 4 or 3 member group.

My boyfriend and I were very close to the stage and we sat to the side of the stage so we saw everybody coming and going from the stage. Fergie's voice is also a person who has amazing vocal control. Talk about somebody who sounds exactly like they do on CD! She even did all of her falsettos....even after high notes. Big ups to BEP for sampling Guns N' Roses "Sweet Child of Mine," for the ending of "Don't Lie."

Ok now for Gwen. I expected her to be good..but I wasn't going to be suprised if she lip synced or sounded like shit. She is not a Nikka or a Fergie but she was great though. She really held her own up there and even sang 2 new songs. Her show was good but I think it will be better when she has more music of her own because she didnt touch any No Doubt songs. Im glad she didnt because it showed respect for her band. My hands are tired.....

I gotta get ready for the gym because I leave for Costa Rica on Monday and I wont be able to go to the gym for a few weeks. I wll miss you all.....I will try to Blogg before I leave..and possibly while Im there.


Nikka Costa