Monday, April 24, 2006
Saturday, April 22, 2006
In My Bed
So I went out again last night and got drunk...again. I asked a friend who I flirt with a lot to come home with me and he did. When we got to my room I made sure that he didnt lay in the section my Ex had slept in for the past 2 years. I had absolutely no intention to have sex or to even be sexual. I just wanted somebody I trust to lay next to me so that I could feel that safe feeling I have missed every single night since the begining of February.
It didn't work. It was harder for me to sleep knowing another man was sharing the same bed and sheets that me and "him" had not only shared but picked out. Im so glad I was drunk because as fast as my mind was racing, my body was shot and I had no choice but to knock out. When I woke up my friend's arm was around me and I felt so violated. Even my dog Nina was acting crazy. NOBODY has slept in my bed but "him" and she has spent most of her life with "us" on that same bed. She was runing around and barking and crying at the door. It was unreal.
I have to move. I cannot live in this apartment anymore. It is too painful to come home and be alone and then have to get up and go to work again. Correction..to come home and feel lonely. I am willing to pay more to live somewhere else and have some sanity then to live in this sadness. We painted all of the walls and even sanded and stained floors. "We" are all over this apartment and I don't think I can move on with all of these remnants of joy and disaster in my face. The worse part is that I might not be able to take Nina with me.
I need new sheets.
It didn't work. It was harder for me to sleep knowing another man was sharing the same bed and sheets that me and "him" had not only shared but picked out. Im so glad I was drunk because as fast as my mind was racing, my body was shot and I had no choice but to knock out. When I woke up my friend's arm was around me and I felt so violated. Even my dog Nina was acting crazy. NOBODY has slept in my bed but "him" and she has spent most of her life with "us" on that same bed. She was runing around and barking and crying at the door. It was unreal.
I have to move. I cannot live in this apartment anymore. It is too painful to come home and be alone and then have to get up and go to work again. Correction..to come home and feel lonely. I am willing to pay more to live somewhere else and have some sanity then to live in this sadness. We painted all of the walls and even sanded and stained floors. "We" are all over this apartment and I don't think I can move on with all of these remnants of joy and disaster in my face. The worse part is that I might not be able to take Nina with me.
I need new sheets.
NY On A Whim
Where to begin. Lets begin with last weekend shall we? I decided on the whim to go to NY for the weekend because one of my NY friends wanted to hook me up with one of his friends. Lets call this friends friend Dell. Anyhoo, my NY friend took a pic of Dell with his sidekick and emailed it to me and had me send my pics to his sidekick so that Dell could see me. All parties seemed to be satisfied and we exchanged numbers.
This was on the evening Tuesday the 11th. We briefly spoke on Tuesday and spoke off and on all day Wednesday and Thursday, which provoked me to go to NY on Friday. Since I get out of work late on Friday's I literally got there at 1am (which would then make it Saturday) and as soon as I got off the buss I met up with one of my best friends and we hit it to a bar called G. I think that's what it was called. After that we went to Cafeteria, ate breakfast and finally by 4:30ish I was headed to a place where I could put my bag down and sleep.
Even though it was Saturday morning when I fell asleep..it was technically the end of my Friday. SO...on Saturday I met up with all types of people. My friends, my friends friends, my sister, my sisters friends..I mean it was like I was on tour. Me and my best friend were really beating the streets. We ate at Caffecito in the Lower East Side and that shit was so fucking good. Cuban food at its finest! For real. So yeah...Saturday evening I finally met up with Dell. And that's pretty much the end of that story because we were totally not into each other and we haven't spoken since. LOL
He was adorable in person but so not my type. And I wasn't his either. We are just 2 people who got out of LTR's that jumped at the chance of having our minds being elsewhere. It worked for those 3 days we spoke. So it wasn't a waste. I got my mind off of my current situation for a few days and had a great time in NY for the weekend. PS..I am totally leaving out the "black" party in Harlem we went to...nothing but judgment. That's all I am going to say. lol
This was on the evening Tuesday the 11th. We briefly spoke on Tuesday and spoke off and on all day Wednesday and Thursday, which provoked me to go to NY on Friday. Since I get out of work late on Friday's I literally got there at 1am (which would then make it Saturday) and as soon as I got off the buss I met up with one of my best friends and we hit it to a bar called G. I think that's what it was called. After that we went to Cafeteria, ate breakfast and finally by 4:30ish I was headed to a place where I could put my bag down and sleep.
Even though it was Saturday morning when I fell asleep..it was technically the end of my Friday. SO...on Saturday I met up with all types of people. My friends, my friends friends, my sister, my sisters friends..I mean it was like I was on tour. Me and my best friend were really beating the streets. We ate at Caffecito in the Lower East Side and that shit was so fucking good. Cuban food at its finest! For real. So yeah...Saturday evening I finally met up with Dell. And that's pretty much the end of that story because we were totally not into each other and we haven't spoken since. LOL
He was adorable in person but so not my type. And I wasn't his either. We are just 2 people who got out of LTR's that jumped at the chance of having our minds being elsewhere. It worked for those 3 days we spoke. So it wasn't a waste. I got my mind off of my current situation for a few days and had a great time in NY for the weekend. PS..I am totally leaving out the "black" party in Harlem we went to...nothing but judgment. That's all I am going to say. lol
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Thank You.
After receiving some concerned emails, I want to put it out there that I am not unhappy with my life. I am actually doing pretty good right now and I am making moves to better myself at work and I am being more social. I have been antisocial for the past year so it is a big change for me. Im not at home as often and I am actually grooming and shopping again. I am sad because I lost a very important part of my life. I lost "him." But the world doesnt stop for heart break...so the show must go on. Tears or not.
That is only in one aspect of "me." It is very consuming..but it is what it is and I know how to draw a line when it comes to other parts of my life. You have to.
Blurry lines suck man.
That is only in one aspect of "me." It is very consuming..but it is what it is and I know how to draw a line when it comes to other parts of my life. You have to.
Blurry lines suck man.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Weekend Wrap Up (revised)
I had one of these (blog post) up Sunday night but it was too discriptive. So here I am summing it up I guess. This weekend was an attempt at taking my mind off of what I have been going thru lately. It worked at times and at other times I was just a complete mess. I have so many unresolved feelings. That is what it is. There is just so much left over inside of me that I can;t get out so it just runs down my face.
Despite it all...I find myself loving him so much that it blindes me. It has even affected my performance at work. I go to work late everyday because I get lost in thought. O my...this is supposed to be a sum up. See...Im consumed.
So yeah...I had an ok weekend. Met up with different friends to get my mind of everything and did some shopping. I even got a line up! I have been looking Fidel Castro lately. Anybody who has seen me walking around with my hair coming out of my hat with my tacky beard knows what I am talking about. Bleh. Im going to phase myself out from using my PC as much. It just adds to my confusion. There is too much to see.
I might not have a blog for a few days because I need a break from spilling all of my misery onto everybody. Thank you so much to those who have read my blogs and have given me advice or any feedback. I appreciate it.
Here's to getting back to blogs filled with attitude and me.
Despite it all...I find myself loving him so much that it blindes me. It has even affected my performance at work. I go to work late everyday because I get lost in thought. O my...this is supposed to be a sum up. See...Im consumed.
So yeah...I had an ok weekend. Met up with different friends to get my mind of everything and did some shopping. I even got a line up! I have been looking Fidel Castro lately. Anybody who has seen me walking around with my hair coming out of my hat with my tacky beard knows what I am talking about. Bleh. Im going to phase myself out from using my PC as much. It just adds to my confusion. There is too much to see.
I might not have a blog for a few days because I need a break from spilling all of my misery onto everybody. Thank you so much to those who have read my blogs and have given me advice or any feedback. I appreciate it.
Here's to getting back to blogs filled with attitude and me.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Rebound For Us
So Friday night was very wild for me. I was in the presence of some great coworkers, friends and onlooking strangers at Club Cafe. Music was very gay and the drinks were free (for me) all night. I know what you're thinking...and it doesn't sound wild, but I am leaving a lot out. For starters my Ex had gone off to NY to have a weekend date with some guy he has been sending naked pics (that I took of him) to. Classy. How do I know this? Because I picked up his traits of sneakiness and insecurity. He use to go thru all of my emails and would look over my shoulder all the time. So I had the habbit of checking his emails (sneaky) even after we broke up (there goes that insecure shit).
He knows that I found out but would refuse to tell me who he was going to see but I knew the whole time. I know it is none of my business anyways but we had this agreement that we would spend weekends together so that we can try and work out the issues in our relationship ...but he made these plans and was not going to tell me about it. When I confronted him about his "date weekend" he admitted that he would not have told me he was going away nor would he have picked up his phone if I called.
Why am I mentioning all of this? Because he emailed me on Friday (the day he was leaving to go on his date) saying "I hope you're having a good day." It was a nice gesture but was bittersweet to me. You're going to wish me a good day before you see another man who has been enjoying the pics I took of you when we were being intimate? Im sure he will try (or has) to re-enact the moments we shared while I took those pics with his new date. Again....classy. I cordially replied to his email, thanked him and gave him a good day wish as well.
Well...onto the wild part of my Friday. im just going to sum it up because i really don't want to get in trouble if the wrong person reads this. Here goes: I flirted with many people, kissed a very cute boy (who I am interested in) and was felt up and "kissed" on by a person from my job...not just any person...but a superior. Nuff said! lol
If you want details email me.....
Mike is on his way.....
He knows that I found out but would refuse to tell me who he was going to see but I knew the whole time. I know it is none of my business anyways but we had this agreement that we would spend weekends together so that we can try and work out the issues in our relationship ...but he made these plans and was not going to tell me about it. When I confronted him about his "date weekend" he admitted that he would not have told me he was going away nor would he have picked up his phone if I called.
Why am I mentioning all of this? Because he emailed me on Friday (the day he was leaving to go on his date) saying "I hope you're having a good day." It was a nice gesture but was bittersweet to me. You're going to wish me a good day before you see another man who has been enjoying the pics I took of you when we were being intimate? Im sure he will try (or has) to re-enact the moments we shared while I took those pics with his new date. Again....classy. I cordially replied to his email, thanked him and gave him a good day wish as well.
Well...onto the wild part of my Friday. im just going to sum it up because i really don't want to get in trouble if the wrong person reads this. Here goes: I flirted with many people, kissed a very cute boy (who I am interested in) and was felt up and "kissed" on by a person from my job...not just any person...but a superior. Nuff said! lol
If you want details email me.....
Mike is on his way.....
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Nothing Worse
There is nothing worse then being sick and alone at the same time. I think I cried myself into a sore throat! lol That is so sick....no pun intended. I have been having a lot of problems with my throat these past few months. Sucks...no time to make an appointment before my damn health care runs out. Divorce sucks.
Smile.
Smile.
Monday, April 03, 2006
For Him And For My Sanity.
Human nature is making me feel like I acted too fast and that maybe I should have waited for my feelings to cool down before I said the things that I said to him. But it's too late and it is so done that nothing I say or do will correct the damage that I did. Am I regretful? Somewhat. But I said what I felt and I didn't lie about anything. I had no other choice. I was backed against a wall. Would I take back what I did? No.
What I did was what needed to happen. Was I a little distasteful? Yes. Actually I was very crazy acting..but a man can only take so much. I still love him very much and I will love him forever. It is an unexplainable feeling that only people who have been thru this kind of situation would understand. This is proof that love is blind and that we can fall in love with people we are not compatible with. There will always be a spot in my heart for him because he was my first real love.
I used the word "hate" because when you love somebody the way that I love him... only to have them hurt you over and over again with the same action can evoke a reverse reaction. That "hate" came from all of the passion that seemed to burn my chest and throat. I don't hate him. I might have for that moment but I couldn't think straight. I went as far as to try to make him hate me too because guilt almost had me turn around and hug him.
Like yesterday my throat is burdened but this time it is with fear not passion. The fear that mistakes have been made on my behalf that maybe I have been too ignorant to see. But again that is human nature. I now understand why some people commit suicide after break ups. Sometimes the pain is just so numbing that you just don't realize that life can go on. I am not suicidal. I just understand it now...because things would be so much easier if they were to stop. No more hurt, no more games or moments so filled with confusion that you lash out only to feel like a maniac afterwards. None of that. It would be nice. But I am a fighter so there is no easy way out for me.
He may never read this because he has no reason to. What is done is done and I seem to have the bad habbit of never shutting up. Especially now because of how overly emotional and fragile I am. I always thought that when a man really loves someone he would fight to keep that love. I still beleive that. I fought with all I had..but there was no battle. I fought alone..and here I am...alone.
The salt of my tears leave streams of sadness and regret all over my face. The hurt will lessen but the memory will never leave me. The feeling of loss will also lessen but yes..they will be there. The rings that I was planning to buy by the end of the year will never be bought and that special day will never come(it was supposed to be "spontaneous"). Dramatic..I know..but all of it true.
I love you Daland, and despite everything we put each other thru I hope that you fall in love again.
Still,
Mikey
What I did was what needed to happen. Was I a little distasteful? Yes. Actually I was very crazy acting..but a man can only take so much. I still love him very much and I will love him forever. It is an unexplainable feeling that only people who have been thru this kind of situation would understand. This is proof that love is blind and that we can fall in love with people we are not compatible with. There will always be a spot in my heart for him because he was my first real love.
I used the word "hate" because when you love somebody the way that I love him... only to have them hurt you over and over again with the same action can evoke a reverse reaction. That "hate" came from all of the passion that seemed to burn my chest and throat. I don't hate him. I might have for that moment but I couldn't think straight. I went as far as to try to make him hate me too because guilt almost had me turn around and hug him.
Like yesterday my throat is burdened but this time it is with fear not passion. The fear that mistakes have been made on my behalf that maybe I have been too ignorant to see. But again that is human nature. I now understand why some people commit suicide after break ups. Sometimes the pain is just so numbing that you just don't realize that life can go on. I am not suicidal. I just understand it now...because things would be so much easier if they were to stop. No more hurt, no more games or moments so filled with confusion that you lash out only to feel like a maniac afterwards. None of that. It would be nice. But I am a fighter so there is no easy way out for me.
He may never read this because he has no reason to. What is done is done and I seem to have the bad habbit of never shutting up. Especially now because of how overly emotional and fragile I am. I always thought that when a man really loves someone he would fight to keep that love. I still beleive that. I fought with all I had..but there was no battle. I fought alone..and here I am...alone.
The salt of my tears leave streams of sadness and regret all over my face. The hurt will lessen but the memory will never leave me. The feeling of loss will also lessen but yes..they will be there. The rings that I was planning to buy by the end of the year will never be bought and that special day will never come(it was supposed to be "spontaneous"). Dramatic..I know..but all of it true.
I love you Daland, and despite everything we put each other thru I hope that you fall in love again.
Still,
Mikey
Sunday, April 02, 2006
When Love Included Respect
There was a time when I had love and respect. I think I have love...but I know for sure there is no respect in my "relationship" with him. Breaking up doesn't mean you stop respecting each other. The worse part about this is that I am weak right now. I am falling for everything. Every excuse I am given I accept. I even have let many things slide. I have been here before. I am going to end up hating him.
Remember when love was innocent? I found these pics while going thru some old CD's and I must say they are the reason I cannot sleep tonight. I miss the boy in those pics....he is long gone now. I keep looking back to see what I did wrong. I can't see anything and it kills me..because I am not perfect but I just don't think I deserve this. My tears are relentless. This is a person I thought I would marry. Yes...marriage was on my mind. I replay our entire relationship in my brain over and over again because its all I have left. That is all I have.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Thoughts While At Work
I typed this out at work.
I gotta think about getting better everyday. I have to be a better person. I am not where I want to be and I am not with whom I want to be with. Although I shouldn't be “with” anybody. I have nothing to offer right now. I believe in order to have a good relationship both parties have to have an equal amount of “stuff” to bring to each other. “Stuff” being everything that you have: Life experience, self worth/happiness and definitely money stability. Money can really hurt a relationship. Its beyond the materialism of money. It's the fact that you NEED money to live. You can be as optimistic as you like but the fact of the matter is if you live here in the US you better have some damn money to get by. Whether you work for it, get it for free or hustle…money is getting you by.
But yeah..there goes my money rant. I am 27 years old working at a job. A decent job that I like that can turn into a career..but not “the” job I should have. I think Im going to start hustling soon. Im gonna start getting into designing again and mix it up with my photography skills and do that on the side. Im also going to learn how to drive soon and try to take some kind of real-estate class so I can sell property. Can you imagine me selling houses? LOL Makes me laugh too! But yeah..Im good with people and it would be something nice to try.
I haven't been getting much sleep lately because I have been trying to find that internal switch to set off that makes me realize what I am supposed to do to get out of this rut. Im telling you man, your worst enemy is yourself. What people say doesn't matter at the end of the day. What we say to ourselves counts the most. We shouldn't believe other people..we should believe ourselves. I know..so much easier said then done. But it seems so true.
All these thoughts have come about these past few weeks because I am in search of emotional sanity. That sounds so much deeper then what it is! Lol I am technically doing fine. I am healthy I have a home and I have a pretty decent job and I still have my Nina. I just know that I can be a much better person and I am having a hard time trying to choose the right paths. Im getting there tho…..
I gotta think about getting better everyday. I have to be a better person. I am not where I want to be and I am not with whom I want to be with. Although I shouldn't be “with” anybody. I have nothing to offer right now. I believe in order to have a good relationship both parties have to have an equal amount of “stuff” to bring to each other. “Stuff” being everything that you have: Life experience, self worth/happiness and definitely money stability. Money can really hurt a relationship. Its beyond the materialism of money. It's the fact that you NEED money to live. You can be as optimistic as you like but the fact of the matter is if you live here in the US you better have some damn money to get by. Whether you work for it, get it for free or hustle…money is getting you by.
But yeah..there goes my money rant. I am 27 years old working at a job. A decent job that I like that can turn into a career..but not “the” job I should have. I think Im going to start hustling soon. Im gonna start getting into designing again and mix it up with my photography skills and do that on the side. Im also going to learn how to drive soon and try to take some kind of real-estate class so I can sell property. Can you imagine me selling houses? LOL Makes me laugh too! But yeah..Im good with people and it would be something nice to try.
I haven't been getting much sleep lately because I have been trying to find that internal switch to set off that makes me realize what I am supposed to do to get out of this rut. Im telling you man, your worst enemy is yourself. What people say doesn't matter at the end of the day. What we say to ourselves counts the most. We shouldn't believe other people..we should believe ourselves. I know..so much easier said then done. But it seems so true.
All these thoughts have come about these past few weeks because I am in search of emotional sanity. That sounds so much deeper then what it is! Lol I am technically doing fine. I am healthy I have a home and I have a pretty decent job and I still have my Nina. I just know that I can be a much better person and I am having a hard time trying to choose the right paths. Im getting there tho…..
Monday, March 27, 2006
Loud Pause
I just had a good workout and I feel great. My body is tight right now and I have just begun getting in shape. On my way out of the gym I was cruised by a very handsome gentleman. And as usual I looked like shit. Why do people feel its better to talk to me when Im unshaved and poorly dressed? It felt nice..but it made me realize that if I want to..I can really get to know him and go out on a date. Because I can. That made my stomach turn. I don't want to date.
Everything is just at this stand still man. So as I walked home feeling confused I had to sit down and compose this blog....
I hate being this way...feels like everything is so blurry now. It is true that I brought my own happiness to our relationship. I didn't need yours nor do I need it now but dammit I miss having you here. The hard part about not being with you is that I don't want to get over you. I don;t want to get you out of my life nor do I want to move on. I'm not "waiting" for that day when I cannot think about you. I don;t want to stop thinking about you.
I am not a cryer. I don't cave in to tears..not because I frown upon crying but because I think I cried enough growing up that I have very few tears left. Tonight I cried (damn James Blunt!{Goodbye My Lover}).
I am not sad. I am human and I am having some problems adjusting but I will be fine and I will learn some lessons. Everytime I think I have learned "the" lesson I learn another. So many lessons will come out of this. I know some of you are concerned (whether you tell me or not) but all is well. Well..not totally..obviously. But Im still Mikey.
Everything is just at this stand still man. So as I walked home feeling confused I had to sit down and compose this blog....
I hate being this way...feels like everything is so blurry now. It is true that I brought my own happiness to our relationship. I didn't need yours nor do I need it now but dammit I miss having you here. The hard part about not being with you is that I don't want to get over you. I don;t want to get you out of my life nor do I want to move on. I'm not "waiting" for that day when I cannot think about you. I don;t want to stop thinking about you.
I am not a cryer. I don't cave in to tears..not because I frown upon crying but because I think I cried enough growing up that I have very few tears left. Tonight I cried (damn James Blunt!{Goodbye My Lover}).
I am not sad. I am human and I am having some problems adjusting but I will be fine and I will learn some lessons. Everytime I think I have learned "the" lesson I learn another. So many lessons will come out of this. I know some of you are concerned (whether you tell me or not) but all is well. Well..not totally..obviously. But Im still Mikey.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Strippers, Non-Shopping and Self.
It has been a few weeks since I have posted..or at least 2..I dont know its really late dammit. I have had so much to blog about in the last few weeks but have not had the time to do so. I have to be in a certain mood to type whats going on in my brain. Its a lot. Its like a paint ball fight. Really. Lets see..At the beginning of the month I went to a strip club for my friends B-Day. It was a first for me. Well..first time being at a straight strip club. The women were very nice and they had great gaydar...yes..they were all over me.
In between the birthday girl screaming "Im a lesbian now!! wooo hooo!!!" and all of the perverted men in the audience, I realized I was having a great time. Strippers are awsome!!! I got the chance to chill with Andi Sue from Penthouse. She is officially (according to Penthouse..not me.) the sexiest Penthouse Pet ever. She took my glasses and rubbed in on her pussy...and put them back on my face. Im not gonna lie...my glasses smelled great afterwards...lol. She was very sweet and had a really small pussy...like unused. I think she gets off on being nekkid but doesnt have sex much. Then again what do I know? Im a fag.
On to other shit. I went thru a small phase of being broke last year and since then I have been a total fucking scrooge with my money. I finally have a little (very little) money to spend and yet I cant bring myself to buy anything new for myself. Ok...I got a pair of really nice Coach sneakers..but thats it. And they were cheap. PS I havent had new footwear since last summer. My clothes suck right about now...but I cant bring myself to buy anything new. Im afraid Im gonna get into fashion again and then lose my job and then I'll be that boy who has nice clothes but no home. Who wants that? I really have to work on not punishing myself. Money comes and goes....
On to more shit. Are you keeping up? Ok. Im still single. Im still not hapy about it. I have been going thru those tacky gay sites where u can meet people and possibly "hook up." I can't keep up with it. It's so wierd. I just can't get turned on anymore. I crave for one person only and I find that to be pointless right now. Yes I am talking about the X. Man I love him...but he treats me like shit now. Yes. We soeak often and exchange our love for each other almost daily...but there is still this HUGE gap in our communication. As usual he chooses to be blind except now that we are no longer official he REALLY drops the ball on A LOT of shit. Ever have that flakey friend who likes to make plans and then they don;t come thru? Thats him. ALL the time.
I figure he is just tired of me and doesn't know it yet..or he doesn't know how to communicate it to me. Either way it's chipping away at me and pretty soon I'll be in "I don't give a fuck mode." Which sux..cuz once I get there it's a done deal. I will not let "love" turn me into a fool again.
Whew!!!!
In between the birthday girl screaming "Im a lesbian now!! wooo hooo!!!" and all of the perverted men in the audience, I realized I was having a great time. Strippers are awsome!!! I got the chance to chill with Andi Sue from Penthouse. She is officially (according to Penthouse..not me.) the sexiest Penthouse Pet ever. She took my glasses and rubbed in on her pussy...and put them back on my face. Im not gonna lie...my glasses smelled great afterwards...lol. She was very sweet and had a really small pussy...like unused. I think she gets off on being nekkid but doesnt have sex much. Then again what do I know? Im a fag.
On to other shit. I went thru a small phase of being broke last year and since then I have been a total fucking scrooge with my money. I finally have a little (very little) money to spend and yet I cant bring myself to buy anything new for myself. Ok...I got a pair of really nice Coach sneakers..but thats it. And they were cheap. PS I havent had new footwear since last summer. My clothes suck right about now...but I cant bring myself to buy anything new. Im afraid Im gonna get into fashion again and then lose my job and then I'll be that boy who has nice clothes but no home. Who wants that? I really have to work on not punishing myself. Money comes and goes....
On to more shit. Are you keeping up? Ok. Im still single. Im still not hapy about it. I have been going thru those tacky gay sites where u can meet people and possibly "hook up." I can't keep up with it. It's so wierd. I just can't get turned on anymore. I crave for one person only and I find that to be pointless right now. Yes I am talking about the X. Man I love him...but he treats me like shit now. Yes. We soeak often and exchange our love for each other almost daily...but there is still this HUGE gap in our communication. As usual he chooses to be blind except now that we are no longer official he REALLY drops the ball on A LOT of shit. Ever have that flakey friend who likes to make plans and then they don;t come thru? Thats him. ALL the time.
I figure he is just tired of me and doesn't know it yet..or he doesn't know how to communicate it to me. Either way it's chipping away at me and pretty soon I'll be in "I don't give a fuck mode." Which sux..cuz once I get there it's a done deal. I will not let "love" turn me into a fool again.
Whew!!!!
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Vintage.
I was cleaning out my closet and came across a lot of shit I had forgotten about. I had no Idea I had written as much as I did. I must have over 100 pieces of poems and rants stacked in between 3 notebooks. Along with that were pictures that I thought I lost. That and my old clothes ranging from thug to raver. I miss my thug days but I cant do big clothes anymore. I have really changed throughout the years...I mean..lol..if you could read some of the shit I wrote! I was writing like a ghetto kid. Maybe I was...I dunno..maybe I still am..or not. Anyhoo..it was a blast going thru all of it. Here is a little something from a photo shoot I had when I was 21.
I wish I had the other photo's from that session. This guy and I got really fresh with each other and he was supposed to be "straight." He even had a girlfriend at the time. If you see him...tell him to holla!!! lol j/k
I wish I had the other photo's from that session. This guy and I got really fresh with each other and he was supposed to be "straight." He even had a girlfriend at the time. If you see him...tell him to holla!!! lol j/k
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Catch Up
So my bday passed and as you can tell..i have been very busy. I celebrated my bday all weekend because I had a friend visit from out of town so we were out allll over the place. Also I now have 2 birthdays thanx to the people down at Social Security! My taxes wouldn't go thru because they kept saying my bday was wrong. Come to find out that it got switched in 1990 and they never switched it back. YET..they need for me to go to the SS office to change it because of Homeland Security. I find it odd that they can tell me that it was “changed” in 1990 but I have to go to them and change it. I was 11 years old in 1990. I obviously didn't change it. PS..I have been doing my taxes since 97! Makes no sense I tell ya.
Im still trying to get use to being single. I hate being single. I always have and never will like it. I am a relationship person and always have been. Im so not perfect but I try..I really do. I am extremely horny..but lonely too. So lonely..that I cannot even commit to a booty call. I just can't...it's much too soon. Trust and believe I have entertained the idea..but I keep thinking about him and how much I still love to have my way with him..and how his skin feels against mine. ::sigh:: Im still very much hurt.
I am very hopeful that someday we will get that second chance to do this again. Dating is hard and maybe we just need to see what its like so we can come back to each other with new respect and appreciation. Behind my hopefulness is a bit of reality. This may never work. We may never get back together. He...may find somebody better then me. And yes...I know that if that day ever comes I will be happy for him...but I may never talk to him again. At least if I feel the way I feel now. I love him with every ounce of my being. He will never and I mean never understand how much I love him. I don't even understand it sometimes.
Anyhoo..thats where my stinkin feelings are right about now. Other then that...I finally got hired at the damn temp job that I have been working at for the past year. I am making a considerable amount more AND I could be making even more by the summer. Niiice. Now I can catch up to my bills and finally be able to buy all the shit I didn't get for my bday.
Im still trying to get use to being single. I hate being single. I always have and never will like it. I am a relationship person and always have been. Im so not perfect but I try..I really do. I am extremely horny..but lonely too. So lonely..that I cannot even commit to a booty call. I just can't...it's much too soon. Trust and believe I have entertained the idea..but I keep thinking about him and how much I still love to have my way with him..and how his skin feels against mine. ::sigh:: Im still very much hurt.
I am very hopeful that someday we will get that second chance to do this again. Dating is hard and maybe we just need to see what its like so we can come back to each other with new respect and appreciation. Behind my hopefulness is a bit of reality. This may never work. We may never get back together. He...may find somebody better then me. And yes...I know that if that day ever comes I will be happy for him...but I may never talk to him again. At least if I feel the way I feel now. I love him with every ounce of my being. He will never and I mean never understand how much I love him. I don't even understand it sometimes.
Anyhoo..thats where my stinkin feelings are right about now. Other then that...I finally got hired at the damn temp job that I have been working at for the past year. I am making a considerable amount more AND I could be making even more by the summer. Niiice. Now I can catch up to my bills and finally be able to buy all the shit I didn't get for my bday.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
The Day After
So my B Day is over but Im not thru celebrating. I really haven't begun. I am still a little under the weather so hopefully during the weekend I will get better and be able to enjoy the fact that I am a year older and still doing good. I know my blogs might have people beleiving otherwise..but honastly I am not down and out. I have had a rough few weeks...but I have had worse times and as a matter of fact...this time last year was a much harder time for me. So it's all good. As far as I am concerned this year is looking like it will be better then last year. I kinda lost myself these last 2 years.
Im not gonna say that it was due to my relationship because I had some great times and I learned a lot about myself. I now know that for my next relationship I will not tolerate certain things and I will also learn how to compromise better in certain areas. I would love to have another chance at making my prior relationship work. Its done now...but by my choice. Sometimes if you really love somebody..you just have to let go. Everything that is meant to be will come about one way or another. It bothers me yes...Im still in love with him. It bothers him too...we are very much still in love...but love is never enough. Relatiobships do not work on JUST love. It takes 2 whole people (and all of their shit!) to find a common ground in order to have a fair chance at having something that wil last. Its like a business. Trust me...it is.
Bla bla bla
Anyhoo...before any of that happens again..Im single and horny. lol
Watch out!!!
Im not gonna say that it was due to my relationship because I had some great times and I learned a lot about myself. I now know that for my next relationship I will not tolerate certain things and I will also learn how to compromise better in certain areas. I would love to have another chance at making my prior relationship work. Its done now...but by my choice. Sometimes if you really love somebody..you just have to let go. Everything that is meant to be will come about one way or another. It bothers me yes...Im still in love with him. It bothers him too...we are very much still in love...but love is never enough. Relatiobships do not work on JUST love. It takes 2 whole people (and all of their shit!) to find a common ground in order to have a fair chance at having something that wil last. Its like a business. Trust me...it is.
Bla bla bla
Anyhoo...before any of that happens again..Im single and horny. lol
Watch out!!!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Happy Birthday To Me
I am officially not 26 anymore. Wierd. Birthdays seem to hit harder now that I am above 25. Anyhoo...I will make the best out of this 27th year of my life. What do I want for my B Day you ask? To be out of debt! lol
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Dear Valentine.
I cry out these words so that I can let you read how I feel. Valentine, you have been so good to me and you have showed me how to handle a real relationship with care and respect. I watched you sacrifice a lot of yourself for me and I am aware of how selfish I have been with your kindness. Forgive me because I didn't know as much as you thought I did. All I knew was that I loved you and I wanted to keep you for myself. I suffocated you...I know I did..and I know that I hurt you...but I wanted you to stand up to me. I wanted you to show me that you loved me enough to put your foot down and make things right. Alas it didn't work. I have hardened you and suddenly I no longer have you.
Valentine...You have been the music in my soul that has sustained me thru many many hard times in my life. You have always been there to hold my hand thru any and every difficulty that came across my path and I thank you for being so brave. I am a lot to put up with and I know it had to have been damn near impossible to make it thru what I put out. "If I cryed a million times you must have died a million times from the pain." I am trying my best to not call you and tell you to come and lay in my arms. Your legs...I love your legs Valentine. I miss kissing them while you sleep...I miss your kiss before work and how Nina would lay inbetween us.
I will eventually hold onto "nothing"...but will forgive you for "everything."
I love you Valentine...I pray that if it is meant to be...we will continue "forever."
With all of my heart and soul...
Mikey
Valentine...You have been the music in my soul that has sustained me thru many many hard times in my life. You have always been there to hold my hand thru any and every difficulty that came across my path and I thank you for being so brave. I am a lot to put up with and I know it had to have been damn near impossible to make it thru what I put out. "If I cryed a million times you must have died a million times from the pain." I am trying my best to not call you and tell you to come and lay in my arms. Your legs...I love your legs Valentine. I miss kissing them while you sleep...I miss your kiss before work and how Nina would lay inbetween us.
I will eventually hold onto "nothing"...but will forgive you for "everything."
I love you Valentine...I pray that if it is meant to be...we will continue "forever."
With all of my heart and soul...
Mikey
Saturday, February 11, 2006
From Me To You
Im not sure if this has happened to many of you...but shit like this really happens. You ever have a friend that "likes" you more then your other friends do? If you have...let me tell you..that person is NOT your friend. That person is a nothing but an undercover predator waiting for the perfect oppurtunity to have thier way with you. Whether its just sex or an actual chance at a relationship these people will jump at the chance at being in a position bigger then the "friend" title.
These "friends" have their best interest in mind. Although they may be there to help you thru the rough times and will go out of their way to make sure you are out of harms way..they are doing it for themselves too. They think that by going the extra mile that you will eventually feel for them the way they feel for you. They will seldom ever try to have you think logically about any relationship problems you might have with somebody other then them. The possibility of them being un-biased is almost impossible. Why would they want you to be happy with somebody if isn't them?
This Blog is from Me To You...
Look behind your shoulder...
These "friends" have their best interest in mind. Although they may be there to help you thru the rough times and will go out of their way to make sure you are out of harms way..they are doing it for themselves too. They think that by going the extra mile that you will eventually feel for them the way they feel for you. They will seldom ever try to have you think logically about any relationship problems you might have with somebody other then them. The possibility of them being un-biased is almost impossible. Why would they want you to be happy with somebody if isn't them?
This Blog is from Me To You...
Look behind your shoulder...
Friday, February 10, 2006
This Is Not A Poem.
Everyday I cry. It is a silent cry. Very non-intrusive to the people around me. My soul is bleeding the music that I have been blessed to hold for the past 2 years. I am trapped. Trapped by my own fears and emotions. Scared that every next step I take is going to be in the wrong direction. My worst fear of all is that I have been living a lie. A very Beautiful Lie. Speaking of which... I cant stop playing Melancholy Melodies by all of my favorite artists. Suddenly it becomes clear again that I have to take care of me and no matter how much somebody says they love me...actions overshadow words. Even though I have been let down by many promises of change, I have become that person that prays..i mean really prays...that change will come. During the prayers I see myself as this strong optimistic person..but when all is said and done I feel desperate.
I long for a love that reciprocates. I want that "you still drive me crazy after all these years" kind of love. I need that wild passionate kind of love that makes my heart drip like a candle. I want the kind of love that I can trust.......
I long for a love that reciprocates. I want that "you still drive me crazy after all these years" kind of love. I need that wild passionate kind of love that makes my heart drip like a candle. I want the kind of love that I can trust.......
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