Ok, I get it. (revised)

What a year so far huh? Some damage control is in the works right about now because I need to have a smooth start into the next year. I have done pretty well with the whole "walowing" in my own self pitty shit. Or lack there of. I don't know if its because I refuse to sit around and feel like shit or if its because I'm just one numb motherfucker. Is motherfucker one word? It looks wrong...but whatever. You get it. As this year quickly progresses into its final days I am really proud of myself.

I have gone thru A LOT of horrid situations and yet Im still optomistic. I do have worries and I am still weary about a lot of things I am trying to accomplish in the near future...but thats human nature. Im ok, and I am going forward full steam ahead. I have made some serious mistakes this year and i have paid for them all...I really have. This time last year I was not any happier then I am now...I wont elaborate..no need to drag any names thru the mud. Me and my baby Nina are doing just fine right now and we are looking forward to starting a new life by the Spring. No need to put my plans out there anymore because I don't feel like talking about it anymore...I just want it to happen.

I am also not ready to date. This is a huge step for me because I have been making myself available all Summer yet I have said "no" a lot. Naturally I wanted somebody to fill the void of Libra (the ex) not to mention I'm a sex fiend. But it just doesn't feel right because in all honesty I am not completely over him and I dont want to be one of those guys that jumps into another relationship...thats just too many unresloved feelings. I don't need another person to validate the fact that I am a good man and that I am fully capable of loving. Its all in me and in due time somebody will reap the benefits of that fact.

But of course its bigger then the Ex Factor. The source of many of my emotional problems this year has been the realization that I had/have to change as a person. That is not an easy place to be when you are not used to being alone. But I am doing it. These past few weeks I have found myself seperating myself from the people around me. Not because I don't want them in my life but because my thoughts need my full attention. Does that make sense? It has been unintentional...I just started realizing this in these past few days when I started not picking up my phone. Sometimes keeping my mouth shut does me better. bleh.

So here I am..another new day and perfectly fine with doing it all on my own. No dates, no boyfriend, no ex-boyfriend and I am "relatively" celibate. lol

I think Mikey likes it.

That Shirt.

I had to do OT for work on Saturday and I of course was running late. The good thing about working on a Saturday is that you can wear whatever the hell you want. I decided to wear one of my favorite little black t-shirts that use to belong to my ex. I never gave it back to him when we separated. It looked so good on him and I am sure he would love to get it back. But he has A LOT more of my stuff so he would never ask for it back for fear I would ask for my shit back. LOL Same goes for me. He has this ONE very fitted black button up shirt of mine (that I would really like to wear again!) but of course I wont ask for it back because he will then ask me for his t-shirt back. I know it! Lol

Anyways, I was looking alllll over the place for this t-shirt and I couldn’t find it. I exhausted all of the places it could have been when I realized that I hadn’t seen it since before I went to NYC. My heart sank for a sec because I knew that they probably went to the same place my Adidas went to….. Need I say more? I was devastated for a few moments and I let it go. It’s a t-shirt, I have other memories, material and mental. As I was solemnly looking for something else to wear I found it! I found the tshirt. I then had an emotional moment..i just began smelling the shirt and started to cry a bit. It was very brief and I proceeded to put it on like I originally intended to. I decided to wear my snake skin shell toe Adidas and as I looked in the mirror I saw that the shirt didn’t match the sneaker. So after all of that mess I decided to wear a different shirt. I ended up looking pretty good that day.

Honestly, I am happy that I didn’t lose that shirt. Every time I put it on I think about him. Not obsessively and it’s not like I walk around wearing it like a badge…its just a thought that goes thru my brain about him wearing it on the train in NYC on a very hot summer night. It was 4 of us. Me, 2 of my best friends (ever) and my (ex) man in Manhattan. It’s definitely worth hanging on to. Not for me trying to hold onto him (at all), but for the memory of 3 very important people in my life all together having a great time and looking damn good.
It was very innocent then...I love those times and I am looking forward to more of those in the future.

On another note I ordered them Adidas. I refuse to let some fucking crack head take my shit and just have me sit around and sulk about it.


Hi.



The "Shirt."




My Adidas.

Too Damn Much

I am a busy person. I knew that I always had something to do but this has been ridiculous. I figured that staying away from NYC would help me live normally in Boston and that I would have all of the time to fix my room, feed myself, spend time with Nina and get back to me. I work 10 hours a day 4 days a week so during those 4 days I do close to nothing but eat sleep and work. The 3 days I have off I have been so busy with anything you can think of. Laundry, guests, bars, more guests, clubs and even boys. Yes...Mr...... Celibate has been not so celibate.

I still have not had sex since June but I have not been so innocent either. Not going to get into any details but I am responsible for my actions so I apparently need to work on my self control. As it stands right now, all of the fraud stuff is not completed. Still waiting for my bank and all of the creditors to get thru their investigations. That is a subject far too draining for me to get into.

I have been talking to a sweet guy from Chicago on the phone like 2 or 3 times a day everyday for the past month now. I have a huge crush on him and he has one on me too. I am going to visit him at the end of the month (hopefully) for a weekend. We are well aware of the fact that nothing is going to come out of this other then us being friends. Our lives and locations would not let us be what we could be...so its to just enjoy the little stuff we have now. Thas my babe right now...awwww. lol

On another note, my friendship with John has grown a bit as well. Lawd that boy is a clown. We actually speak a few times a day as well...it just never gets old. Its refreshing to know that there are still people out there that are about something. Even if his exterior is filled with fashion and shade...lol. He is a great guy and has a great boyfriend. I am so on their side. And when I say that I mean that I am happy to see 2 guys doing the best they can do to be together. No matter the distance or situation. Not that I have been here long enough to see "trouble," but I am optimistic for them. In a sense seeing their love reminds me of what I had but on a larger scale. It will take some time but I will get there...

Im feeling a bit pressured about money right now. Winter is coming and I need to buckle down and save save save so I can get the fuck out of this city. I played the lotto the other day lol. I obviously didn't win.

Thank God time is free....I need a lot of it.

Can you spare me some time?

Ok.

I spent the entire weekend alone and it felt good. I went out once with a friend because he was here from out of town. We went to a club/bar/restaurant(it has it all!) and got drunk. I met a cute (i think..i was drunk) guy there and we exchanged numbers. I assume nothing will come of that cuz it never does. Im proud of myself and this progress of mine. Sure I was bored, but who wouldn't be bored if they have spent every weekend this month in NYC? Its such a huge contrast.

I wasn't lonely at all and as a matter of fact I am really not in the position to feel that way. I am trying to remain celibate till the end of this year...so the less interaction the better. Im going to try and stay away from all of those cruisy sites that I have been going to and try to just focus on money, my body and moving. As always I will never deny my heart so if I for some odd reason I am blessed with the presence of a worthy person...I will do my thing. Till then I am going to focus on what lyes ahead.

Thanks to everybody for being so supportive in this shitty time of mine. If you read my last blog Im sure you will understand. But whatever...what can I do but just move on.

Its time for a new tattoo.



Mikey

Distraught?

On my way home from NYC I realized that my bank account was close to Zero dollars which is unheard of for me. I of coursed called my bank to see what was up with my balance and that's when I found out....I am a victim of Identity theft. The worst kind though (and most common). It was by a person who is close to me. Since Sunday night all the way up until a few minutes ago I have found out his pattern. First he must have acquired my Social Security number then applied for 3 credit cards, got at least 2 of them and maxed them out (totaling over 1,500) with cash advances and Western Union transactions. Once he maxed those out he then got lucky and got a hold of my new debit card in the mail. So of course he took all of my money while I was in NYC.

Not only is this going on but I have a roommate addicted to crack who has just been informed by my other roommate and I that he has to move out. He has been a crack head the whole time he has been here but we never put 2 and 2 together. We just thought he was weird...hey! we are busy people. Also the person (who I have known for 9 years and who I was trying to help...) who took my "identity" is addicted to crack as well. That is why he did what he did...so you can imagine how shitty this situation is for me. Not only did this person take my "identity," but he took a pair of my (limited addition) Adidas and a very important letter that my ex sent to me that included some money that he owed. I came home early everyday for a week waiting for that letter...and it never came.

Where does this leave me now? All over the place. I have missed work the last 2 days because this person has a key to my house and I have been busy trying to track down all of the creditors that I now have "credit with." Not only that but I am dealing with the police (I filed a police report) trying to get info thru me from the creditors because if the detectives call they have to get a subpoena (which takes a month).

I emailed my ex the situation because I wanted to let him know that I know why I didn't get his letter. We spoke for a while and he of course gave me the "Im so sorry this is happening to you.." talk. I appreciate it because...well..I believe him. He then emailed me with this statement:

In that letter, I wrote some things on how I felt that day and how much I miss everything....

Keep your head up.

Love,
D***nd

It opened up a little bit of those old wounds and made me really bitter because it would have been nice to have something tangible..something to look at and hold that validated all of these left over feelings. But it was taken from me...just like my money..and just like my Adidas.

Now I have to do all of this paperwork in order to get my life on track. Im so tired mentally and physically. There are no words that can express what is going thru my mind. I am a very spiritual person and I know that we are given only what we can handle. And yes I am talking about God.

On a random note..I have decided to be celibate. I am tired of regular sex and I would much rather save it for somebody worth dating. Plus...do u really wanna fuck with a guy with all of this shit going on? lol

There is hope out there...and I am reaching for it.

Love,
Mikey

Oh Summer

This was my last weekend in NYC for the summer and I have many mixed emotions. In a sense I feel like this year is over but of course its not. Its going to get harder. No more hot days beating the streets of NYC with the people who have sustained me this year. Up until the summer I was a huge emotional mess. Why mention the reason? This summer showed me how to open up and be myself again. I have met some cute guys and have considered dating a few but for one reason or another it just wasn't meant to be. I also was able to recapture my passion for dance. How bout I just list the things about this summer that have helped me in one way or another?

Genuine people who have showed me how to have a good time.

My Boston crew: Johnny, Danny, Patrice, Byron and Stephanie

My NYC crew: Harvey, Brandon, John and Frowen (and the many people I have met thru you 2), Eric, Carlos and Oso.

My eyes were definitely opened this year and a lot of people have come and gone and a lot of true colors were shown in such a short amount of time. A lot of fakers and fronters and plenty of people who bit off more then they could chew. Good sex, bad sex, a yearning to be wanted for more then just my body, self realizations, the hardest HIV test I ever took (negative but still..) hot club nights, a lot of booze, Richie, day breaking, getting over (and still) my ex, a lot of shopping, sushi, cooking, many many trips and accepting my weight problem. There is more but those are the ones that stand out.

Individual shout outs:

Johnny, thank you so much for taking me out of the house those first few times. Life was harder then you know before you came a long and showed me I could go out in Boston. And of course for introducing me to Patrice and Danny.

John, we finally met! Talk about MySpace networking? I enjoy you profusely and thank you for introducing me to Frowen and the rest of your eclectic friends. I admire and live thru you and Frown's relationship and I can only hope that things progress for you two. And of course I hope I am there for it.

Stephanie, thank you for being apart of my "coming back to reality" process. Your light and friendly attitude was such a needed breath of fresh air. We can drive anywhere and never stop talking.

Brandon, thank you for being patient and for being a real friend. I love you with all of my heart and you are one of my best investments. Its been what..7 years? Here is to another million (do u think we'll still be hot then? lol)

Harvey, you are and have been the brother I never had. I don't know where I would be or how I would have survived these last 4 years without you. Thank you for being one of the most constant people in my life (especially in these times). Let us now focus.

China, we can not talk for large periods of times but I know that I can count on you and you can always count on me. I could have died that rainy weekend but you came to my rescue. You may never know how much you helped me that day but I still think about it and it makes me emotional just knowing how selfless you can be. That prom forever changed our lives.

Daland, how weird is it for me to type that name? Im so use to typing the Ex,"Him" or any other variation. You have loved me like no other and yet you have hurt me just the same. Not sure if you were trying to undo all of the love that we built but whatever the case may be...I don't have it in me to hate you. Thank you for showing me that I can be very weak, emotionally and mentally and that I don't know it all. Realizing that has made me a better man because those are mistakes I will not make again. I will love again and thanks to you I know how sweet it is and I know how to cook, clean and put my needs (when appropriate) to the side for the next man I am with.

Ivette, my sister. This is the first time ever that we have been able to see eye to eye on many things and this is the first time I felt like we are related. I hope we continue this relationship. After all..we are stuck with each other.

This has been the longest, hardest year of my life and it is not over yet. I have a few more battles to conquer before this year ends. But so far, so good right?

Mariah Carey Milestone.

So I saw Mariah Carey this evening and I have to give it to her...that lady can sing. Sure there were some flat notes from time to time, but if you sang like Mariah for 2 hours Im sure you would do the same. I was supposed to go with my Ex but it didn't work out that way. I honestly thought he didn't want to go anymore because he avoids me all the time. He doesn't answer my calls, return my voicemail's or answer my questions via email correctly. I would ask him how to do something technical on the PC and he would reply with "I went on a job interview today." lol You gotta laugh at that shit..I do.

So I asked somebody else (my "sister") to go at the last minute because he didn't return my last call. Its all peace man, really. He has a new man and I know how he gets with his man. I should know. I figured out of respect for his man he wouldn't go to the concert with me. But knowing him he would have lied to his man anyways...if you read my Libra blog you know what I mean (its a MySpace thing...). To say the least I am so GLAD I didn't bring him. Some of those ballads would have killed me and I would have had a completely different experience. There were some songs that made me forget where I was because they stirred up memories of us. I love memories of us because those were some of the best memories of my life.

That's life. Shit happens, people fuck up and fuck you in the process. I don't have it in me to hate him because I still love that man. This concert marks a milestone for me because I have been waiting for it to come and go so I cannot have an excuse to have contact with him. I just want him to do his thing with his new man and let me move on. I would also like for him to introduce us one day because Im not a hater, I can handle it. Im sure he is a nice fella. I am. He dated me. Maybe he really meant it when he said....well..nevermind...bleh.

On a random note I saw Esthero on Thursday night. I have to dedicate a whole new blog for that one because it was so phenomenal I have to gather up the energy. lol Plus I am waiting for some pics to post with it.

Love over The Manhattan Bridge.

There is a fella out there that I have always carried in my heart. I carried him even throughout my last relationship. Now..as I have stated many times before, I was seriously in love and believed that I was with the man I would spend the rest of my life with..regardless of the problems we encountered. But every now and then I would question myself because I just could not shake off these feelings for this particular person. The feelings were never strong enough to make me get up and leave because I don’t follow my heart if I believe its pointless. Lets face it, our hearts can get us into a lot of problems. Especially when you have a big heart like I do..lol. I promise you that its in me! =P

I mentioned him in a blog recently and when I wrote it I was blown away at the fact that I could still feel that way after all of these years. Its been close to 6 years to be exact. Aesthetically he is the best looking man I have had the pleasure to be intimate with and when it comes to conversing he is on the same level as me. We can talk about anything and he can even shut me up. Unless you are Tony Milan, that is a hard thing to do. He is the only person after all of these years that has made me nervous before we would meet up and…lord..lol. Yeah..its a mess.

We unintentionally met up 2 times this weekend and partied together. He even got me drunk on Saturday…Im not even a drinker anymore. Everywhere we went there were men falling over him and asking to buy him drinks, and coming onto him in the most awkward ways. It was amazing how unattractive he made me look. If you know me well..you know I really preffer to be with a man that can make me look bland. This guy is so humble and down to earth it is ridiculous. Never have I met somebody so damn hot and so unaffected. He is college educated and goal orientated and I am proud of all that he has accomplished. Im proud to know somebody like him and I am so glad that we are still friends. Yet there have been these feelings…

So on Saturday night he drove me back to Brooklyn from partying in Manhattan at around 4am. We took the Manhattan Bridge into Brooklyn and as we were driving over that bridge I realized…like fully realized that it was never going to happen. I somehow either missed my opportunity (years ago) or plain and simple he just never saw me as dating material. Just sex and friendship. And you know what..I was perfectly fine with it. I love this man for being who he is…not because of some “feeling” I get around him. I can so breathe easier around him now and I don’t have to worry about what I look like or how crazy I shouldn’t act because he never judged me in that kind of way. Don’t get me wrong! He is not without fault…cuz I can list quite a few! But why list them?

In the middle of that warm breeze thru the car window on a bridge overlooking Manhattan, I managed to let go of “that” love to gain a better understanding of our friendship and embrace a new love.

Thank you Italy.

Happily Unhappy

This was a very long day and it really sucked towards the end. I don't feel like listing all of the things that sucked about today but trust and beleive from the moment I woke up I knew this was going to be a battle of a day. I learned some lessons today that I will carry with me for quite some time. But let us get to the point of this blog.

As shitty as this day was and as dissapointed as I was about everything...I got something great out of it. I realized that I was unhappy about what went on during the day and it had nothing to do with my ex or being lonely. None of it. I think I just don't give a fuck anymore and honestly I could care less of him as a person. I still love him but how could I not? He was my everything for pretty much the last 3 years of my life..but its done, I know he is a nasty person now and Im good. Finally. So my emotions are mine again. So yes...I am finally happily unhappy.


Thank you.

Insert Sad/Aggravated Face

So I missed my Rihanna concert. I had bought tix to go see her back in June. I was really feeling SOS around that time and saw that her tix were cheap so I bought 2 and figured I would bring my ex because we have seen a few concerts together and were going to see Mariah Carey and Sean Paul later this month anyways. Also I was still stupid in love with him so Im sure somewhere in my brain I thought it would make things “better.” Whatever that means. I had told my boss last week that I wanted to leave early on the 8^th so I can go to this concert. He said it was fine as long as I came in early to make up for the time I would be losing. I woke up late, thru some clothes in my puma bag and got to work on time (for a change). So I was a little down that I couldn’t leave early. I asked a 2 coworkers of mine if they wanted to go and they said no…so I was about to ask somebody (attractive!) I just met. I had told him the night before I might ask him to go and he said he would.

Any-fucking-hoo, joke was on me. I called ticket master so they could email me my tix again and they told me I missed it. The concert was on the 3^rd. =( On top of that I saw that Gnarls Barkley is going to be performing this Friday and tix were already sold out! Devasting. I have blasted that CD for quite sometime. Some of those songs are spiritual to me..and here I am…no Rihanna, no boyfriend and no Crazy Gnarls Barkley.

And this work day sux.

How bout that??

Next

I miss being a boyfriend and I want to be one again. I can say that I am over with the idea of seeing my ex and rekindling "moments." When I say that I don't mean that I don't want to try it again in the future. It means that I am not playing myself anymore by entertaining his sexual advances nor am I going to throw myself at him like I have so many many many times. I honestly miss being there for somebody and I am ready to try and be a good man again.

Not looking for a huge production of a relationship and you know what...Im not even looking for a relationship. Its too soon..I think. I just want to meet somebody and feel nice. You know that tingly feeling you get when you first meet somebody? I want that...I want to give that to somebody. I want to cook for somebody and take them out to a different restaurant once a week. I want to slow dance in my room and have it lead to kissing and end up in my bed.

Somebody out there is very familiar with that last line.

I Guess.

So it has been awhile since I have last posted. A lot has gone on of course because this is a very important time of transitioning for me. The thought of writing it all is exhausting and Im just not going to because the moment has past and I just don't give a fuck.

I am good.

Weekend Blog (finally)

As you can see this was quite the weekend. I had a great time just hanging out, partying and laughing all weekend. Lets see…Thursday night was Embassy. We (my best friend and I) had straightened my hair. It was tall and out of control but we forgot to add products so I sweat my hair back to semi curls after dancing thru a few songs. I was sporting some sort of Elvis Mohawk…it was very cha cha looking but it worked. Anyhoo we got to the club a little before 1am and its Boston so we had about an hour left.

My ex was there with his boyfriend from NYC so that was a bit weird but it was whatever. What can I do? He has moved on and I so have I …to an extent. At least I have sexually. I made my way to my ex and said hello and we gave each other a kiss on the cheek. After that I stood there for a sec..with his new BF just looking at me. Not sure if it was a bad look or just a look. I tried not to make eye contact because of course it was weird for me. Clearly it was an awkward moment for the ex, and I totally understand. But I guess that’s not my problem.

(on a side note: My ex and his BF have been involved pretty much right after we broke up. Since then we have kissed, held hands, laid in my bed and even had oral sex within the last few weeks. Two weeks ago he stopped me in the club to tell me he misses me and that his first thought in the morning is me and that his last thought at night is me and that he wished he never would have moved out. I felt kinda dirty seeing his new BF face to face. Im not a cheater...but I felt like one.)

Either way I had a great time and I danced my ass off. Im starting to get my skills back and I am happy about that. My year of being depressed (2005)for no reason has been long gone so there is no reason for me to be shy about dancing anymore. I still get stiff sometimes and every now and then I get off beat…but I just keep going cuz practice makes perfect. Even though I am still having the same image problems as before, my self esteem is at a high right now. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. So that was Thursday.

Friday I got up early and got an HIV test. I kinda had an incident back in March and I was a bit worried about it. It was so low risk that when I told the man who tested me he giggled. Im not gonna say what it was lol. Just know that I am super safe and that is why to this day I am still Negative. I now owe my friend (so adorable) Miguel a date because I told him if I came out negative we would “celebrate.” Friday night we all went out dancing and drinking again. I now have a piece of glass lodged into my left palm because I cracked a 40 bottle of liquor open. It was fun swinging it around until the blood came. lol No more on that!!! I have decided to cut back on the drinking because if I keep drinking Im going to develop an addiction. For real.

Saturday I don’t remember. It was a long day and I think I slept a lot. I know on Saturday night we tore that damn club up! Once again I found a box to claim for the evening and I met somebody there from..guess where? New York. He told me him and his friend watched me dance and that they loved the way I move. I told him his friend was cute and we have kinda made plans to all go out this Friday when I get to NY. I just want to say that I love you Johnny and Patrice!! We need to kick it more...even if its outside of the partying.

Sunday I didn’t do shit. Just some very light grocery shopping to get thru the week before I depart for NY again. After this NYC trip I am going to try my BEST to stay away until late August. I need to not go out as much and focus on me. And I need to save up my money so I can move. Plus it costs a lot to look this cheap. lol

Stephanie, thank you for opening your doors to me and my closest friends. I might be quiet or moody looking or just plain weird..but I really pay attention and really appreciate everything.


Mikey

Good Times with Good People

Pic Archive.

http://redreportpics.blogspot.com/

This is where I archive the personal pics I have on my blog. All of the pics I use end up here.
For future reference you can always find this link when you click on my "About Me" pic.

Enjoy.

Waiting

Im just going to wait. Not sit around and wait...but wait for other "people" to show me what they want. Im not chasing anybody or anything anymore. Its not flattering and quite frankly its very tiring. If you want me....Im yours. Just like that. Play your cards right and do right by me. Im complex only because I like everything to make sense. I like to keep shit simple but people love to play games...therefore I am percieved to be complex. Trust me...its true.

Im so ready to love again.....

Me...Torn?

Ok. Lets get straight to the point here. I hung out with somebody I used to really be into. Like..really really be into(we'll call him Italy). For reasons I dont feel like typing, we just couldn't be together. It just wasn't happening. I let go a long time ago and of course I was with "him" for the last few years so I really wasnt thinking about anybody. However I will say that whenever me and Italy would speak or hang out I would always get this rush. Its hard to explain...but its a very anxious feeling.

We hung out for a few hours and all we did was just talk and watch music videos. Damn. I realize now why I like him so much and I guess I have never gotten completely over him. The ending (if there ever was one) was blank. Nothing happened. We just stopped. See. Look at me. I can;t even get my sentences together. He is from NY (lord where else?) and was just visiting. He wants to hang out when I get there so I guess I'll be calling him.

Before he left there was this very awkward moment where it looked like he was about to lean in and kiss me...but I backed up and he paused for a sec and then backed up himself. At least that is what it felt like....I could have just made it up. lol No...Im not. Im just trying to not get caught up. I figure its just not worth it at this point to start something up with him. Its the type of thing where I would want a lot out of it and I just can't give myself up like that right now. ::sigh:::

Well..in 2 weeks I'll be in NY and we'll see what happens then.

Allergies.

Why am I always unprepared for Allergies every year?? I spent about 23 years without them...so why in the hell are they all in my shit now? lol


Sux.

Floor Pics

I Have one more, but its a bit much. ::blushing::

With Time

To never give up
To never stop
And to always be honest
Im running this long road
To hopefully get to your heart
Please tell me you’re true
Tell me no lies
I have never been so sure
Never have I desired
The way I do now
Respect me
I know no logic
I can be taken advantage of
Run with me
Run far and fast past
All of the unsure feelings
That can take over our minds
Forget with me
Leave all of those unflattering moments
In the dust embrace my love
And enjoy my sincerity
I tell you no lies
Because I want you to see me for what I am
Still…