My Heart to Yours.

I have a friend going thru a similar situation that I went thru with my last ex and I realize that seeing people hurt like that, is a weakness of mine. I hate to see people go thru that kind of pain. It is so consuming and it makes me want to give them a hug and listen. lol What worked for me, was doing everything I needed to do, 10x better and writing in this blog. I did go out more and started drinking, but whatever..i was 27! It was time! lol

So yes, to anybody out there going thru a shitty fucking breakup, the kind that turns your world upside down and strips you of your self worth/confidence, just remember that all of this mess should make you stronger, smarter and a better man/woman for you and the next person you are with. Everything that hurts you needs to be turned around and used as a strength because you cannot allow yourself to give up or fall victim to the same situation again. Rebounds are cool, but like drinking and partying, it is only a distraction and you need to fully get over the breakup with a clear and sound mind. It takes awhile and it is not easy, but again, serial dating and distracting yourself with booze and partying will only prolong the pain. I speak from personal experience.

This blog is my proof that a broken heart can make you a better person if you put yourself first and take care of your business. You know, I have grown a lot as a person and this blog may not have everything, but it does show some of my failures, triumphs and a good portion of my overall growth. I am very proud of myself at this moment in my life and I attribute a lot of it to the failure of my relationship and the drive it gave me to survive. So yes, to many of us heartbreak is one of the hardest things to survive, but it teaches you how to succeed by surviving.

So, my love, go thru the hurting now, because you will be so much better off in the future.

I believe in you.

;)

Because I needed a good douche for the New Year.

Let's see, how do I make this as short as possible? A former acquaintance sent me a friends request on facebook. We were "freinds" on myspace until he deleted me. He lives in NYC and sent me a msg on myspace asking me how my move was. When I read the msg, I had a guest over from Boston and was too busy to reply. However, I did show my guest his page and we were complimenting his pictures (oh, the irony that follows). They were really nice and he's handsome. So, when my guest left, I wrote him a very detailed reply, only to realize that I couldn't send him a msg. When I hit the send button I got an immediate reply telling me that only people on his friends list could send him messages. Sure enough, I was no longer on it.

I decided to send him a message on AIM, but he didn't reply. So, I just let it go. He was never a friend, just somebody I chatted with online and a few times over the phone. Its all good, no harm done. This happened in October. So...when I got his req on facebook, I sent him a msg about it. This is our convo:


Me
January 15 at 11:08am
..didnt u delete me from your myspace friends list?


Douche
Add as Friend
January 15 at 11:16am
Report Message
this automatically sent to folk in my address book. you were still there.


Me
January 15 at 11:20am
ah ok. I guess now is a good time to clean it up.


Douche
Add as Friend
January 15 at 11:32am
Report Message
true

Ok, although this is not and never was an important person, it still blew me away. How can a grown ass man, well into his 30's, be such a fucking cunt? lol Seriously dude, what is your problem and why do you think people have to drop everything they are doing so they can reply to a message on myspace? If it were that much of a concern to you, you should have called or sent me a text. AND because he probably had some kind of small remorse or regret for deleting me so fast, he sent me a msg on some "other site" and asked me how my move was...again. I told him it went well and the convo stopped after that. So yeah, that request was not an accident. One look at his page and you can see he is not new to facebook.

You ever go to somebody's page and it has all of these words of wisdom type shit and these cliche fucking proverbs? He is one of those people. So, you think you are about to chat with a well rounded individual but instead you are talking to self centered super toddler with a chip on his shoulder.

So yeah, fuck you and your nasty self entitled attitude. You just did me a huge favor.

;)

Nina needs a new home, again.

"If u were a person, I would tell u how important u are to the makings of me. I would tell u how u helped me stay strong and how important it was to my survival, that u never changed and always loved me the same. I would tell u that our walks this summer were some of the best moments I had all year. Seriously. When I brought u to the pond and u were amazed at the amount of water and ducks, I cried a little...because I knew I was leaving soon. I also knew that your road was going to be long like mine...and I wish we could share it together.

Here I sit in this Chipotle, by 36 and Madison wiping my face over my burrito (for real..lol).

I love u my baby girl and if I could bring u here, I would."

I wrote that on my cell phone and emailed it to myself. I was told via text message that my dog needs to find a new place to live. My friend who is watching her, received a messaged from her landlord stating that the dog has to go or she will be evicted. I totally understand and I am kool with the fact that she is choosing her housing over somebody else's dog. Wouldn't you?? I am very thankful that my friend was even able to take care of her for the last 2 months.

So yeah, I am a bit sad that she will be onto her 3rd new home. I feel like I may never get her back and if I do, she may be all weird and thinking she is not wanted. Animals get like that...they have feelings and they know when they are not wanted. Even if I never get her back again, I want her to be happy, healthy and loved. I know she is just a dog, but she also represents a very important chapter in my life and it saddens me that she has to suffer because I chose to leave her behind. I know what it is like to be left behind..and again, I know she is just a dog, but I feel guilty...

Anyhoo, this will workout even if I have to get back on that bus to find her a new home.

Still Nasty.

               

 

My friend wanted to do a shoot with my leash and I obliged. He was inspired by a pic that I took of myself awhile back. Its the picture of me in the doorway with a blindfold and chain (you can see it on the side of the blog along with some other of my fav self shots). After taking his pictures, I thought it would be scandalous to jump in the photo with him. In my mind, I thought it would look hotter, but it worked either way. 

Despite the sweat and closeness, we are JUST friends. No funny business. lol Serious.

And there you have it.

I was REALLY bored and up TOO late.

I was up way too late and created this mess. Hey, its better then one of those lip synching videos! lol

Warm it Up (with love)

Ok, I have to go on a music rant. I wont go all crazy or take up too much of your time. But, I have to take some time out to let you all know how GREAT Brandy's cd is. Seriously, this has to be the BEST cd I have listened to all year. My friend Rob said, "You have to be too young or have no taste in music to not like this." Although that may sound extreme, if you are a pop music fan, then this is essential.

In this album, Brandy sings her heart out. She is singing like I have never heard her sing before and I feel every last note. I really want her to win...I do. I want her to have that commercial success that she once had and deserves. However, if it compromises the work that she is putting out, I will have to be satisfied because this is GREAT music. When I play it, I can't help but to sing to it.

Don't sleep on Brandy. She is part of that rare 90's breed of R&B pop music that help shape what we hear today. She is a living legend and is still relevant to pop music. 

How is Brandy legendary? Because she also helped define music in the 90's and if she stopped making music today, she would always be remembered and covered. 

Do music a favor and pick up her cd.

I promise, you will appreciate it! I a practically begging you...lol

Seriously. Give great music a chance.

Fuck Up

Thats kind of what I am feeling like right now. I have been asked to do a few photo shoots and I have kind of ignored them all. Not intentionally...but Im scared. Such dumb shit. On a random note, I may have some photo's appear in Nylon Magazine. Nothing huge, they are doing a piece on my friend's salon and he asked me to take the pictures that will be included with the article. Fun stuff!

I don't feel like explaining myself anymore. Im just gonna have to get the ball rolling. My office reality has turned into a pipe dream, so I might as well get my artistic hustle on.

Here is a pic of me getting my model on for my friend, Paul's camera. It was at 14th st. It was proly like 4am. 

lol

Do I Look Crazy?

I was looking for a new profile pic because I am currently sporting facial hair. The one before this was pretty fresh faced with short hair. I now sport a beard and bigger hair. I was going to use this one but then after cropping it, I noticed that I look possessed. Its quite funny.

Hi!! lol

Better late then never...

These are the Halloween pics that I received a few days ago. It was a very fun night and there are many other pics but I look like a sweaty mess in them. lol

I think I may be Prince next year. Like, Purple Rain Prince.

Faith.

So I have been battling a small cold the last few days and I am so ready to get over it already. For the last few weeks I have been feeling a little stagnant with my life. Everyday I wake up, I feel like I am starting all over again. Just the whole job search and constant effort to keep busy. I am not complaining! I know people have it worse and I am fully aware of how good I have it, but I not one to be complacent. Plus, I really don't have that option. I can't be jobless forever and I need to have a steady set of friends (or one) to keep me sane. You know, like a partner in crime? Yes.

Being sick brings about a lot of thoughts and emotions. Some people may feel lonely because they would like to have somebody to take care of them or you can be like me and feel even more determined to take care of business when you are well again. However, this time around, I am not just more determined, but I am questioning my faith. Many people do not know that I grew up in a church setting and brought myself to Sunday School for many years. I even went to a church summer camp in Maine. I read the Bible often and I genuinely loved spending time at church. All of this was by my own design and not my family. I did this on my own.

Even more surprising is that I grew up in Christian Science. Its a very strict religion that does not believe in doctors or medicine (No its not Scientology). I won't give too many details about what the Christian Science Church stands for because I have fallen out of practice for about 10 years and I cannot do it any justice. But, feel free to Google it ;)

I read a passage in Science and Health because I wanted to have some food for my prayers. I was reminded that the very foundation of this religion is the belief in Jesus and God. Pretty simple, but it occurred to me that practicing Christian Science would be harder this time around because I may not have that strong faith anymore. I was raised to believe in God and Jesus, and that will always be in my heart, but I will acknowledge that I may be "tainted." I do not know exactly what I mean by that, but I am not the same little boy who prayed so effortlessly and wholeheartedly to God.  

I have some family members who are Christian Republicans that believe that I do not deserve to have the same rights as them and they pray to God too.

 

Things happen for a reason and I am sure I will have a better grip on my faith again. But for now, I am going to live my life loving my brothers and sisters with the respect they deserve. 

I could go on and on with this, but I would type myself in circles.  

Anyhoo, I still pray and I do so for my loved ones often.

Thanks for getting this far.

Experience?

I had a conversation with a friend earlier today about sexual experience and I have come to the conclusion that I am rather inexperienced. lol Wow. How horrible is that? Well..inexperienced for a gay man! Trust me, gay men are nasty freaks! We will do it all.

So, again...I am not innocent! But compared to many many people around me...I actually am. 

I feel kind of left out.

Not in love anymore

I had a conversation with my sister the other day and I came to the conclusion that I most likely will never fall in love again. And you know what? I am OK with that. There comes a certain feeling of freedom when you let go of that programmed thought of meeting your "soul mate." There is a hint of sadness..i think or maybe its disappointment. Not sure, but what I am sure of is that being in love isn't for everybody. So to understand and believe that, I fully understand that I am most likely going to be apart of that group of people that will not be married or have some kind of lifetime partner. 

I firmly believe that to love somebody the right way, to be in a relationship that will last, you need to be a whole person. You need to give yourself whole heartedly to the next person and surrender all that you have. You have to contribute to that person and vice versa. Although I am happy with who I am, I know that I have a long way to go and really, I am not getting any younger. 

So love is something I am sure will pass me by. I loved before, but it was short term and not meant to be. So, I at least know the joys of it. I also don't want children. So, yeah...I am letting it all go. I haven't felt lonely in close to 3 years now and I can't imagine why I would need to feel that way again. Been there done that.

On the flip side, I am not denying myself the joy and blessing of being in love with somebody, but I am not holding my breath.  Again, I believe in love, but I do not believe it is meant for everybody. Especially for me. 

I'll cross my fingers for you. ;)

New Hair

Yes, it is a rat tail. lol

Bus ride to CHANGE.

On Sunday, November 2nd, I took a bus from NYC to Boston to take part in one of the most important moments in my adult life. Although I live in Brooklyn, I am registered to vote in Boston. So, I knew that to have my voice, my views and my vote be heard, I would have to travel hundreds of miles to fill out a ballot. And I did just that.

On Tuesday, November 4th, I voted for change. I voted for my country. I voted for you and for me. I voted for Obama.

I am happy that not only my voice, but OUR voices have been heard. Our prayers have been answered and we now have a chance at building this great country back up. Are you ready America? Because I am. Remember, that Obama is human like you and I...and he cannot do this alone. We have to all live the change and be the change we need in this country.

This is a great day.

Thank you America, you always find a way to make me proud.

Mikey

Fuck Guitar Center!!!

As I was walking towards the Taco Bell by Union Square at 2:40ish AM, I walked by some guy with a bike, leaning against a storefront while peeing. I glanced at him and made brief eye contact and he screamed out, "Fuck Guitar Center!!!" I started to laugh and so did he and I threw up a peace sign and kept walking. It was worthy enough for me to name this post after that moment. However, I have nothing against Guitar's or the center in which they come from.

So I have had 2 phone interviews in the last 2 days and Im hoping to keep it going.  I have met some more people and I am hoping to add to my non existent circle of friends. PS, why do people who do drugs always assume (and they assume right) that I do not do drugs and exclude me from drug fueled activities? So odd that at this age, people still keep their drug binges away from me. No complaints! I was told by a few friends that there is an innocence about me that prevents some people from exposing their drug usage to me. I am drug free and have never done a hardcore drug before, but i don't judge and thankfully, I am not so innocent in other areas! lol

Today, I went to GNC and got some supplements for my gym workouts. I am REALLY insecure right about now. Its the same kind of insecurity I had when I finished high school and I realized I was pretty much an adult that weighed around 110 pounds. Not sexy. At all. I am not 110 pounds!! Thank you jeezus, but I feel like I am and I don't like it. I have done a lot of research and I found out that I am classified as a "hard gainer." Basically, it means that my body is different then your average body. I can't go to the gym and expect the same outcome as a normal person and I can't eat like a normal person and expect to maintain the same weight or gain anything.

My metabolism is insane and I have to work twice as hard to gain and keep the weight. I know, you probably think that would be fantastic if you had the same 'problem' that I have. You might think that way because you are fat. lol jk Seriously tho, if I don't over eat, I will look like Nicole Ritchie looked when she was too skinny. That is scary to me. It also makes me feel like less then a man to be so fucking small. Thats really the best way to describe it, feeling like less then a man. 

Anyhoo, I am going to Boston on Monday so that I can get up early on Tuesday and cast cast my vote for Obama. Exciting stuff! 

Oh yeah, Halloween was cute. I may have some pics up if I don't look too skinny. Yes, that is why there haven't been any pics of me lately.  

 

Forgiveness

Two years ago was one of the best years of my life because it was one of the worst years of my life. That horrible time sparked a fire in me that put me on a rode of self discovery and has lead me to where I am today.  No need to bring up why my year was so hard because it was all documented on this blog and really...I am over it already.

However, I am bringing that year up because I received a phone call today (wed, Oct 29th) from a person I thought I may never hear from again. In 2006, I helped a friend (8 years of friendship) by giving him a place to live and at times, money to get thru the day. He was having a bad year as well and as a friend, I gave him a helping hand. He had some drug issues that he was working out but I didn't judge him for it. 

He ended up stealing my identity, taking all of the money out of my bank account and scoring thousands more in cash advances on credit cards that he opened under my name. He even stole a pair of limited edition sneakers as well. Thankfully I got everything squared away. All of my money was refunded by the bank, my credit was wiped clean within 90 days of my claims and I found my sneakers online via Spain (and yes I bought them again!). My year was already fucked up and that obviously didn't make it better.

Anyhoo, to get to the point, he called me today to apologize for what he did. He told me that he has been sober for 8 months and that he was in a program that has helped him discover God. He kept apologizing and wanted to send me money to make things better. I told him that I never lost money, I am fine, I don't need his money and that I forgave him many years ago. I continued by saying that I never held a grudge against him and I am glad he is on the right path.

I also told him that although I have forgiven him, am happy that he is sober and has a relationship with God....I take head to lessons learned therefore I have no room for him in my life. We can never be friends again.

He told me that I was very noble and that he feels privileged and blessed to have known a person like me. I take that as a great compliment, but I am only doing what I feel should be done. We love and support our close friends and family...and we should always forgive but never forget.

I wished him the best and we signed off.

I am still digesting it all, but I am happy with how I handled it.

Everything you put out will come back to you.

What do I love?

I don't quite know. One thing is for sure, I don't love photography. I have great potential to be good at it but it doesn't move me the way I thought it would. I am going thru some sort of inner crisis but there really is no time to give into it. I don't really have a 'dream.' Not sure if that makes sense. I have had a few, but I somehow end up losing my interest. Hard to explain.

Where does this leave photography in my life? Not sure. It is still an option and I could possibly change my mind when I start living like a normal person again.

I am also a bit lonely here. I don't need a man. I just don't really have friends here. I do have one, but we don't like the same things, so I find myself not going to places that I want to go to. I also had a few people that could not wait until I moved here so that they could hang out etc. They hang out..but not with me. However, I didn't come here to hang with them, I came for myself and if you know me, you know I am good with rejection.  

I miss working so much that I am willing to take a pay cut! I can also use the economy as an excuse. I don't even fully feel like I live here yet. It feels like I am on a break from Boston and my former living space.

I am also deathly skinny. Ugh 

I miss Nina (I cried in my rice thinking about her..lol).

It will all turn around tho. 

Mikey is still optimistic .

 

Don't do it

I was given some great advice by none other then John. I told him how I am basically holding myself back and that I am trying to understand why it is I am doing that to myself. He told me not to do it. Don't even try to psychoanalyze it. 

Really? 

My whole life I have built myself up by psychoanalyzing my thoughts and actions. I have done this to mold and shape the way that I am today. But with that small statement of his, I just realized that I am harming myself in the process. Easier said then done...but its a big statement. 

Self notes from my phone

Sitting in an au bon pan on broadway and w 3st with jazz music on. "We'll have manhattan and fire island too" lost in random thought. This place has so much to offer and I have some good elements around me but I am still in a funk. My drive is non existent right now and I hate it. All these months away from work have fucked up my drive.

I was thinking I would jump into art and do photography but I'm too lazy. If I did it now I would surely fuck it up. So I am going to do what I do best: work. I'm going to get a job or two, and I'm going to get in the zone. I need something that is going to keep me in check and put I'm in the position to schedule things again. I'm not the kind of person that does well without a schedule. I need one or I will get nothing done. Sad but true.

So, mikey is going to get a job and take it from there. One thing is for sure, I may not want to do this like I did it in boston, but I can use some of those elements.

13 Days

13 days ago I moved away from everything that I knew and landed in NYC.  All of my most important possessions were placed in many boxes, both big and small, loaded into a Uhaul truck and driven to my new home in Brooklyn. It was an emotional process for me being that I had lived in that apartment for the last 5 years. That place is legendary in my mind and heart. I grew so much there and although I am happy to be gone, I will miss it.

However, I didn't get to bring everything. One of the most important things was left behind: my baby girl, Nina. I got a lump in my throat just typing that. My new place doesn't accept dogs, so I left her in good hands until I can figure out how to bring her to me. She is my heart, my companion and one of the greatest loves of my life. I made sure to record our last walk on my phone and I watch it everyday. It brings me great joy. In due time and with much prayer, I will have my baby girl with me again. =)

I am still absorbing the fact that my life is completely different. I have gone on 3 dates since I moved here. Nothing serious, just meeting new people. So far, I seem continue to not have any luck here. During this moving process, I lost a lot of weight due to stress, so I have some self esteem issues to work out. I am sure my dates would have gone a little better had I been more confident and less shy. So, I will curb the dating until I feel good about myself. Nothing is worse then sitting in a restaurant wondering if you are going to look too skinny walking to the bathroom (causing you not to go to the bathroom). Not healthy.

Besides that mess, I have so much to do here. And you know what? I am very happy with my choice to move. This is one of the best things I could have done for myself. 

To everybody who got tired of me talking about this move for the last 2 years, I know you miss me. lol And I miss you too.

Much love to the people who helped make this move physically possible: Phea, China, Angel and Brandon. 

This is a new chapter and I need to remember to not do this the way I did it in Boston. 

I'm ready for my breakthrough...