If Only...

I spoke to a good friend earlier about an ongoing issue she has been having with a "guy friend," and I gave her advice that I wished I would have given myself a long time ago:

"Closure is not a conversation."

After our talk, I started cleaning my kitchen like a crackhead and I was really thinking about what I had said to her...its a really deep statement.

For me, it means that no amount of words in any conversation can overpower the action of a situation. People can lie, embelish and totally skew things with words. This comes from being in situations with people who do not know how to verbally comunicate and or are liars. But little do they know that their actions end up giving them away. Its frustrating, I know, but sometimes people leave you no choice but to do it on your own.

Fuck it.

Carry On

It has been almost a week now and things are settling in. I have been so well rested and the days have been filled with eating out, movies, friends and faux coworkers. I also got a sweet pair of all white Supra Skytops and a Beetles t-shirt.

Its actually been a pretty good week despite being laid off. I do need a new job and I will start my search starting tonight or very early tomorrow. But either way it will all fall into place. I have been tempted to do some searches in NYC, but I am not going to let this force my hand. It would be easy to run out of here, but I want to take one more class this summer. Once I am done with that, I should have no reason to be here. Unless the new job I have pays me 10k more then what I was already making, then I will consider staying a little longer. But only because I would then have even more money to move. I seriously doubt I am going to get that much considering I am an art school dropout and students are graduating this month.

I have these mixed feelings about my free time because I am not sure how long it will last. Ideally, I would like to throw myself into my art and take many pictures, but I feel as soon as I put my resume out there..I might not be unemployed for long. But, as I stated before, it is May and students are graduating, so I may not want to wait too long or there may be no jobs available.

Well, I will do it all. I will look for a job, find one and do my art at the same time.

Im ADD like that.


My "Wife" Bory and I.

From Home

So far, its like breaking up with somebody you have been with for a few years. For those of you that know me well, you might see how this is somewhat of an unwanted flashback.

For the last almost 3.5 years of my life, I have dedicated my time and energy to this company. I came in with no experience and made sure to knock down every barrier and any odds that were stacked against me so that I could climb the ladder into a position that would make me proud. Until this job, I had never been promoted to anything and I don't think I ever had the desire or motivation to do so. Not here. I was on a mission and I had to prove to myself, that I can be more then just a worker bee at the bottom of a barrel. Granted, I wasn't a manager or any kind of superior, but I was many platforms away from the position I had first held.

When I interviewed for this job, my resume had been mixed up with somebody who had experience. So, when I let the interviewers know that they had the wrong resume, and that mine was the one with no experience, I made sure to give the best interview that I could give, and it worked. I was told that this is the kind of job that had plenty of room for growth and that it comes fast. It was true, if you really wanted it. After 2 years, about 2 and a half different departments, awards, gifts and decent raises, I was finally able to secure my way into the position I wanted from the day I got there. But, after 2 layoffs and some huge unexpected setbacks to the company, the 3rd set of layoffs weren't as kind to me. I have been sent packing.

I am not upset that I was chosen this time around (along with 500 others), because this company invested in me the same way that I had invested in it. I got out of it what I put into it, and I can't complain. I know that it is usually not that easy to progress in most company's, so I am grateful to have gotten to where I was at before the layoff. Not only did I progress in the company, but I progressed into a better employee, a harder worker, better team player and able to twist and bend with an ever changing workflow. I wrote a letter to one of my managers the weekend before the layoff, and I told her that "I hope for the best, but I am ready for the worse. What I take from you, **** and everybody I have worked with here, will be invaluable to my future as a team player in almost any setting imaginable." She sent me a nice reply but she ended up losing her job before I made it to the office, so I am glad I was able to put that out there because the people in this company (past and present) are awesome and I really wish nothing but the best for everybody.

Anyhoo, I am sure it will take me a few days or maybe a bit longer to get used to this, but at this point in my life, I am not afraid of change. However, I really am going to miss the people who made going to work extremely easy...so much time spent with them, 5 days a week. Its almost like moving away from family. I feel like I have been able to secure myself some lifetime friends. Thats nice.

I'll be fine.

Take care, my friends.

The other shoe dropped.

Dear Colleague

Due to the sudden and unexpected filing for bankruptcy by **** and the Bank of America’s decision to exit the private student loan industry and terminate its relationship with ****, the Company is taking immediate measures to reduce its costs, including reducing its workforce. Regrettably your position is being eliminated.

Your presence is required at a meeting at Noon in the OCR Auditorium to review the next steps in the reduction in force process. We will be sharing important information regarding your separation from ****, including WARN notice and final paychecks and inventory sheet confirming your return of Company property.

To begin the separation process please

· Gather your personal property. There are boxes and packing materials available in the coffee areas on your floor.

· Leave all **** property at your workstation. This includes badges, laptops, IT tokens, blackberries and credit cards.

Following your meeting and completion of the pink inventory checklist you must leave the building. Your network access and badge access will be shut down shortly.

Long Weekend

I just want it to be over already...

Robyn will save you too!!!

Tuesday started as a grim day. I was given a number as to how many people are going to be laid off at my job and I felt sick to my stomach for most of the day. That was until I saw Robyn perform. Yes, THAT Robyn! from the late 90's, "Show Me Love," Robyn.

From what I have gathered, she was somewhat of a puppet back then. She now has her own Indie label and has a really good pop album that was released in the US as of yesterday. This is the most PURE pop album I have heard in a long time..if ever. FYI: Pure and pop are words that aren't really used to describe a sound. No big producers or army of writers. Not that I am against what big producers and writers can create, but when an artist can make really good music on their own, it makes it special and honest.

Anyhoo, her live performance was so simple and raw yet filled with yummy pop. Her voice sounded exactly the same in person as it does on her album. One amazing thing about her was that she was able to dance, jump, run, pose and sing without going off key or sounding out of breath. The only person I have seen live that can do that, is Beyonce. I can go on and on..but her sound is so new and FRESH that I would rather anybody reading this, to actually listen to it and fall in love with pop music again.

Give Robyn and good music a chance and BUY her music if you like it.

PS, when she sang Eclipse, I could barely sing a long with her because I got teary eyed! lol

This is the cover of her CD if you look for it. You can find her on the remix to Snoop Dogg's Sexual Seduction on iTunes.

http://www.myspace.com/robynmyspace

You Need This...!

These are some CD's that I have on heavy rotation:

Although I was a little dissapointed that it wasnt a total dance album, it still is a good piece of work. I have an undying love for Janet because she is the reason why I dance. Her "Rock With U" video inspired me to start clubbing again because I love to be out and dancing in a crowd of people. "2Nite" NEEDS to be a single.

An aspiring producer made a really good extended mix of Rock With U. You can youtube it, just type in "Rock With U" and "Justiss." I got him to email me the mp3 for it and I play it on my iPod. I even designed an album cover for it. lol

So far, Danity Kane has the most solid pop album for 2008. Every last song, even the damn interludes, are bad as hell!!! I have so much respect for these girls now. They have writing credits in most of the songs on the album and even did the vocal arrangements to "Lights Out." Give them a chance, you will not stop playing it..its like healthy crack. lol

Mariah Carey and Madonna's albums are overated. They aren't bad, but they have done better. I have had Madonna's for well over a week now and I must say that I am dissapointed at how bored she sounds. Mariah Carey took a few steps back (lyrically and vocally), but she has the stronger album of the 2. "For The Record" is the gem of E=MC2.

I cannot wait for Usher's new joint!

Ok, thats enough..lol.

Quietly

I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything on my blog, but I have been living too much to do so. Nothing dramatic, Im still single, and I am still employed at the same place (for now), but I also started a class in photography as well.

first of all, being in a school setting is very challenging. I have never been good at school and I can never seem to focus or understand half of the shit that comes out of the teacher's mouth. I try so hard to focus but even with trying to focus, I end up not understanding. It makes more sense now that I know that I have ADD, but it still sucks. I try sit low in my seat so that the teacher doesn't ask me any questions and at times I feel like just leaving the class because I feel dumb. Really..I do. I know that I am not, but its those moments that make me (literally) hot under my collar and I have to put myself in check because I have missed too many opportunity's being afraid and feeling inferior to everybody who can easily pick up a book or listen to an instructor and be able to make sense of it at a speed that I cannot comprehend.

I tried the drug route, but after being on 3 different meds, I can't do it. They work for a few hours, but I crash and my attitude sucks. I sometimes didn't even know who I was when I took them. I would be so rude and disconnected from everybody. I am not that person.

My job went thru some big layoffs at the beginning of the year and we are about to have some more layoffs in the next week or so. This time it may be massive and I am hoping for the best. I have been at my job for over 3 years and I have survived 2 downsizings. I work with some really amazing people and no mater if I keep my job or not, I will be losing some people that are very important to me on a daily basis.

To the person this applies to:

"Do you ever get tired of hearing yourself speak? Do you ever feel like maybe you should do some more listening and less time talking about yourself? Really, when you hang up the phone, do you realize that everything that was said to you (that didn't involve you or ur opinion) was quickly brushed aside by another topic about yourself? Friendships work better when you can share a conversation instead of picking up the phone and putting me thru at least an hour of ...you.

I love you, but its not a good thing when I question why I do..

I am not a fan, I am your friend..if you don't know the difference or if there isn't much of a difference in how you treat the 2..then I am all set."

Other then that, I am just fine.

;)

More Photo's

Today, we love him. lol

We took these on the whim and they came out pretty good. Considering the batteries in my camera started dying as soon as I set my lights up.

I say No to Obama.

A new Senator and author of 2 hope theme books. A man of color, a husband, trustworthy face (and handsome) and a good attitude. Although these things are positives in my book for a good leader, they are not enough. Nothing about this man is enough. What I see from Mr. Obama is the hope for a better leader he could be in the future. To me, he hasn't had enough time to demonstrate what kind of leader he is. AND as an author I find it very disturbing that he has had speeches that were identical, word for word, from Gov. Deval Patrick (who is not doing a good job in my home state of MA and keeps getting popped for doing the most irresponsible things like spending our tax dollars on expensive new furniture and a luxury car) and JFK. Yes, JFK.

How does an accomplished author not have original material for a set of speeches he uses in every state?

I think of hope when the chips are down and we need to look for change. I feel like we are passed that phase and should be about taking action. The hope, for me, is electing a president that will do the things necessary to build our great country back up, not somebody who is still talking about it. I do not want a Democratic candidate that the Republicans support. Why would the Republicans want to support one candidate over another when they have to go into battle either way? Could it be they are rooting for the candidate that will be easiest to beat? Do the republicans really want to battle Hillary...again? What could they possibly say or do to that woman that they haven't done or said in the last 15 years?

I obviously am a Hillary supporter. To me, both Hillary and Barack have some great ideas and I would be fine with any variation of their views...but I believe that only one of them stands a chance at being our next president. I also believe that somebody with as much experience and heart as Hillary would do a better job. I would not be opposed to Barack being our president in 8 years (or 4 years at this rate) because I believe by that time he would be seasoned. But not now.

People are so caught up on wanting something different and just the whole popularity factor but nobody that I have asked has been able to tell me any of Obama's accomplishments. He is winning people over with just his words. I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Anyhoo, that is my 2 cents.

29.

I am now officially 29 years old.

Time really flys. It was just 2 years ago this very month that my life was completely changed. Four years ago, little did I know I would be back to where I am/was...

Its a blessing to be able to reach back and pick up where you could have, would have and should have done. No regrets. what. so. ever.

I love me for the work in progress that I am.

Thank you to everybody who has helped me progress into who I am today, and what I will hopefully be in the future.

Oh, Sick.

Today I am sick. Yes, 2 days away from my party and I am sick. This is such bad timing because this is the begining of whatever sickness I have and I can feel it.

I have not gotten any better since last night. I have gotten worse. =/

I did manage to take these pics because I am home sick and extremely bored...so why not?

Tight.

The weekend is hear and I am determined to start taking the gym serious again. I need to stock up on vitamins as well. My birthday is next week and I will be 29. Dancing the way that I do, I need to invest in supplements that are good for my joints such as fish oil. I know I am not old, but I like to be proactive.

Looks like a GNC weekend.

That, and maybe some more Diesel jeans! lol

I need a little bit of a treat after enduring this draining week.

Black Wednesday, PS:

The President of the company spoke to the group of people who were let go and also to the people who were not. He was pretty honest and a little insensitive..or maybe we were all just so damn raw. Anyhoo, I was told today that after he broke the news to everybody, he was let go as well.

What!?

Right about now, Im just sticking around for the severance pay.

(Art) Work

Minus the self shot at the bottom, these pics are of my good friend and roommate. I haven't really touched my camera since the Summer. Gotta get back on my grind!

Hope you like.

Let it be

I went to another therapy session today (thursday feb 7th). It was very awkward and I do not think I need to go to that place anymore. I understand how important something like therapy can be for certain individuals...but not for me. Sitting there for an hour talking about myself and my problems is just too much (and boring).I am telling this person all of these important things about me and then when I leave I feel like I have gotten nothing out if it. If anything I leave feeling raw...for no reason.

One thing that I got out of my session actually hurt me. I was slightly late (as I am for everything) and I mentioned that being late is almost like having a disease. The therapist then said that it is. And it is part of my ADD. I was blown away that she said that because I believed her and yet I never put the two together. In that one moment of clarity, I felt so vulnerable and foolish.

That realization snowballed into a deep feeling of despair for my coworkers. I knew that I had to go into that empty office and face the fact that I wouldn't be seeing the people who taught me how to get my job done, made me laugh, encouraged me, inspired me and loved me. I had to go in there knowing that the last time I saw them here..they were crying or walking away in disbelief. And yet, I had to go there and work.

I couldn't finish my egg and cheese croissant at Dunkin' Donuts because I felt so awful. I exited and walked towards the train station thru wind and snow. As cold as it was, my face was hot and my eyes welled up. I was tempted to just call out and go home because I was emotionally distraught. However, I couldn't let my sadness get the best of me. Like everything else, it will pass.

I may not work with these people anymore, but life isn't over. If any of my coworkers and I are meant to be friends outside of work, it will happen.

If not, no love lost. None at all.
I live to love.

Black Wednesday

Today, my job axed around 70% of the people in my department. Some of these people I have been working with since the day I started my training (3 years ago). I work a lot and I also have been known to do a lot of over time as well, so these people were pretty close to being my family.
In the morning, before I left my house, I got a call from a coworker telling me that a whole department was laid off and that she heard 50% of us were going to be let go as well. I instantly felt sick. She also told me that there were police in the parking lot and extra security in the building. This is all too familiar to me because I have made it thru one corporate downsize already.

On my train ride to work, my mind was racing but I don't even remember what I was thinking about. When I walked in the building I saw some coworkers and I kind of put my head down. I was asked if I was ok, and I said I was fine...just tired. The day felt weird and I could hardly get any work done. I start at 12pm so by the time I got there, people had already been getting "vibes." There was an odd number of managers from other office locations roaming around our floor. Something was shifting and you could feel it.

At around 1:50ish, some managers started walking around and telling everybody to check their emails, while other managers quietly lined up at the exits. I checked my email but I had nothing. I asked some of the people around me and they didn't have any new emails. But there was a new email for many other people.

HR sent an email to the people who were getting laid off(all at once) to attend a 2pm meeting. From what I was told, the email stated that the meeting at 2pm is mandatory and that you shoud collect your personal belongings because you will not be allowed to come back to your desk. We all knew what the meeting was for because people in other departments were being laid off in front of us. As the message suggested, the meeting was to let those individuals know that they have been let go. So when that email hit..it was like a kick in the stomach. People were frantic and asking each other "Did you get an email!? Did you get an email!?" The question moved thru the room like a wave.

You could taste the fear in the air. It was one of the most intense moments of my life.

Sudenly, a heartfelt email was sent to the department from a coworker who had recieved the email and others followed suit with quick goodbyes and personal contact info. Each email recieved was like a bomb and once it sank in, there were many tears and hugs and just so much fear. We all work in one big room so you got to see everybody's reaction. It was heart wrenching to say the least. One of my coworkers came to my desk and broke down and told me that she tried to do her best..I then broke down too. It was just a lot. All of this happened in a span of 5 to maybe 10 minutes.

The managers stood by and kind of ushered people towards the auditorium. Then they were gone..and only a few of us were left with this loud silence.

I am very lucky to have been chosen to keep my job and to be apart of a new direction...but it is such a bitter sweet feeling.

=/

Storm

This year has begun with a lot of resentment and bitterness. I cannot pin point it, but I seem to not be able to control my attitude. I need space...a lot of it.

I somewhat regret setting up a party for my BDay because I am unsure if I have any real friends at this point. A room full of random "friends." I have no idea who I can trust and who is just using me. I know..its not that deep..but something in me feels like it is.

I feel very trapped and disconnected. One minute Im fine and the next Im just angry as hell at the smallest thing and I really just want to go off and break shit and cuss people out. I have never felt such intense feelings. Im trying to understand where it is coming from because this isnt healthy for me.

It keeps me up at night and I wake up with headaches.

I don't want to go to work but I don't want to stay home either.

I feel like I don't even know myself...

..but I will be fine.

I promise.

It Ends and it Begins

This year, I will not be as nice and I will not be used by the people who are supposed to be my friends. I may not have as many friends after this year, but if I do.,it may not be the ones I have now...and I am ok with that.

If you eat all of the cookies at once, you have none left for later.

Its not personal, but I don't like you like that..

...and I do not want to date you. Maybe you can take it personal, and you have every right to..but right now I am not into dating. I'm not even really into "hooking up" either. I do have "needs"..but they aren't important anymore. Those "needs" are a bit of a bother and sometimes require too much work. You are attractive, but I have other stuff that is occupying my time.

I appreciate your compliments...they never get old..but I still don't want to date you. Or him.

That's how I feel right about now. I just don;t want to be fucking bothered with guys right now (the swearing part is not supposed to sound angry..but I swear quite often when I speak. I'm not mad! lol). I actually have been kind of distant from my friends as well. This year I set off on this self improving journey and I have made some huge progress. I am very proud of myself for the things that I have done this year, but the more I accomplish the more work I see that has to be done. Its a bit unsettling, but not discouraging. At least I do not believe it to be.

I decided to try therapy to see if I could get anything out of it. I went to one appointment and half way thru it, I felt that I maybe didn't have to be there. Therapy would have been ideal in my teenage years or early 20's...shit..last year would have been good too. I have a few more appointments that I will use up before I make a final decision. The therapist asked me why I chose to try therapy..I was honest and told her that I realized that people are capable of change if they choose it...and I am choosing to change. I went on to tell her that I am an example against the common belief that people never change. I am not the same person I was this time last year. That Mikey was a very sad and lonely person. He also drank too much. lol

I expressed that I am willing to try anything a few times to see if it benefits not just the problems on the surface, but maybe even the way I process my thoughts and emotions. She seemed impressed..but it was my first time really doing something like this..so she could have been pacifying my ego.

Lets see...what else. Yes! how horrible is this karma?

e[10:47 PM]: so tell me about that guy u went out with
[10:48 PM]: was he ugly
G0Mikey [10:49 PM]: no
G0Mikey [10:49 PM]: he was ok
G0Mikey [10:49 PM]: its so weird
[10:49 PM]: y?
G0Mikey [10:49 PM]: and another reason why i want to move more..
G0Mikey [10:49 PM]: he tried to holla at me literally 10 years ago..when i was 18
[10:50 PM]: oh wow!
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: he was like 21
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: but he dissed me for somebody else
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: in a very shady way
[10:50 PM]: ahhhhhhhh
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: but that was 10 years ago..
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: im not mad
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: im passed that..but yeah..
G0Mikey [10:50 PM]: he hit me up...and was sweating me to meet up with him
G0Mikey [10:51 PM]: and u know what? although i dont hold any grudges against him...
G0Mikey [10:51 PM]: i just think he is apart of my past..
G0Mikey [10:51 PM]: and i want it to stay there
G0Mikey [10:52 PM]: no hard feelings..but u know...this time around..im the one thats not into u
G0Mikey [10:52 PM]: and im trying to tell him that without sounding shady
[10:52 PM]: awwww
[10:53 PM]: true
G0Mikey [10:53 PM]: he called me earlier and i looked at my phone...
G0Mikey [10:53 PM]: and i was like..yuck
G0Mikey [10:53 PM]: and i felt bad
G0Mikey [10:53 PM]: but im not going to lead him on the way he did to me
[10:53 PM]: yeah exactly

I really need to stay off those gay cruisy sites! lol

Oh yeah...Happy Holidays. ;)