A Hero Next Door.

My first band pictures! It was a new experience for me because I am used to subjects that are meant to be looked upon as beautiful. I am not saying these guys are ugly, but they are a rock band...totally different direction. I like the outcome...but Im sure I will love the next time I get together with these guys. As usual, they were a little tense at first, but again, next time will be different. I plan on working with everybody I have worked with already for more shots. None of the people I have worked with are used to being in these kinds of pictures. So I am breaking them in.

One of my goals was to take everyday people and present them in a different light. Taking pictures of models is really easy because really gorgeous people look good in almost any pic. I am not knocking people who use models, that would be hypocritical of me being that models are my next step, but straying from the technical beauty is a challenge. Especially when you are like me...I am not trained at all. This is self development, and I must say that I am a little poud of myself.

Thanks for reading this far, and I hope you enjoy the pics as much as I enjoyed taking them.

Jessica, thanks for your help.

Mike Milan

http://www.aheronextdoor.com/

http://www.myspace.com/aheronextdoor

Open

Sexy like the meaning and intelligent like a bulb is bright
Erotically addictive thru verbal spells
I self destruct thru mental orgasms as I take apart your being and I feel my flesh soften during our conversations
Part narcissism but all genuine
I look at the floor and I know...I know that this is true
I am falling forward
Its been a long time coming
You are not mine
But I am now mine again
Thru experiences, whether they be forced by physical intoxication
I am falling into me
Not to be held by my own heavy heart but to be freed by my sudden attraction and the realization that I am a man who loves a lot and will love even more

In My Heart

This is an exerpt from my heart. I wrote this in a matter of moments....

"...quietly while you were asleep, I kissed your face and the world stopped spinning.
I ran a marathon in my brain trying to figure out what fate has in store for us.
My kiss traveled to your neck as I embraced you...and I melted into your
pretty brown skin. I lived a lifetime in our embrace and I have never let go. Like a shooting star with no landing in site, my heart..my soul... travels thru the sky for you."

After writing this little piece I had to ask myself?

"How many times must I die?"

"Is this ever going to change?"

Today, was a rough day and I am raw with emotion. I don't care to explain why because its just too painful to share anymore. You dont always have to take a step back to fall into unresolved resentment and emotional vulnerability.

Time will heal me, and that I am greatful for, because everyday is new. With every new day I am a step closer to where I am supposed to be, mentally, spiritually and physically.

Baby steps.

Regardless.

I took some pics today. Yay! It was supposed to be a very Maxim inspired shoot, but some people canceled out on me at the last minute. It was actually in a very rude and inconsiderate way. However, life is like a boomerang, and they will get theirs. Nonetheless, my subject and I, Jessie, walked around the city and took whatever shots we could take. It was very windy, sprinkling and hot. We did the best we could.

The Sum Up.

I saw Nelly Furtado this past Tuesday and she was AMAZING. Despite her recorded music and her live performances I had seen on youtube or award shows, her voice was much bigger then I expected. I actually expected her to strain thru some of her songs. She was everything and more and I cannot wait to see her again.

I was still sick when I went to see her but turns out..I wasn't sick. The doctors took my blood and ran a lot of tests and they were scratching their heads. Everything as it seems was fine, and the day after I got my results..I felt brand new again. Some of it was mental, if not most. Im in a very crappy place right now. Im realizing everyday that I need to step it up a notch. I will give myself credit because I am trying everyday to change things around me. Applying for higher paying positions and setting up photoshoots when I can. I may have one coming up this Friday. Cross your fingers!

Progress is very slow right now and I am have been even more antsy now then I was before. I need to not live in this apartment anymore. It is really affecting the way I think and as I have stated before, once I get out of this place I'll be able to think clearly.

Thats all I do lately...think. Don't take this as a complaint. Its just what it is. Im tired of complaining.

My good friend that lived with me who moved away from Boston, is moving back sometime next month. I am excited because it will be so good to have him around again.

I don't need a vacation, I need to leave.

Whats Wrong?

I have been dogged by fatigue for the past 6 days now and its getting out of hand. I went to the gym once and could barely do 30 minutes and I cant do anything fast without feeling like my head is going to fall off. This exact time last year (almost to the exact DAY) I had similar symptoms but they were not as drawn out. Im wondering if its seasonal allergies or as a friend brought to my attention, I could be lacking something. Something like vitamins or iron or some shit like that. Or worse case scenario I could have something like diabetes.


I have a doctors appointment tomorow so I'm at least on the right track. I need to shake this bullshit. Im such a productive person so it kills me to be too "tired" to finish a work day. I had to call my mother to pick me up early from work today. Im a grown ass man...why am I calling my mom? lol After I hung up I cried a little in my coworkers cubicle. Not like weeping...just got very emotional and teary eyed because its so frustrating to feel this way. Even my fucking joints are tired. Im a dancer. Things like that hit me hard when I cant walk without feeling achey. Its not a sad feeling..its a feeling that pisses me off.


I hate to be stopped. That could be it.

This semi-sickness is like being in limbo. Am I going to wake up feeling better tomorow? or am I going to get worse? None.

I stayed in all Sunday so I could rest and be beter for today. To stay productive, I cleaned and took some pics of myself. Damn Im skinny.

I Stand By Me.

I have been single for quite some time now and I (been) am very ready to move on. Im kool with the whole ex situation..its done. Im kool. Lets move on. But....this city always proves itself to not have anything to offer me. Tonight was a nice smack in the face.

Thats all I will say about tonight.

On a seperate note, I no longer have a crush on that particular person. Im not dissapointed at all. We have a freindship developing and I preffer that over anything else. But it was great to have that pure feeling after all of this time. So something good came out of it either way. Yay!

Blog From Work.

I have been listening to Janet Jackson’s Velvet Rope album lately. Its very therapeutic. Last month I decided to take a break from MySpace and AIM because it takes up too much of my time. I have not been onto my MySpace account since April 30th and I used AIM a few times this past week. Only in moderation and I have mainly stayed invisible. I used it a couple of times while being visible to people on my buddy list and it was messy.

I kept getting interrupted while working on pics on my PC and I was highly annoyed. So I think all that time away from AIM has changed my view on it. I am going to use it when I have to or when I am really bored. No more being accessible thru AIM all day. Its just too much.

I have been getting many messages on myspace and I am eager to see how I react to being on it again. I know that people like to talk to me and add me as a friend because I am nude in pretty much everything…but that will soon change. I don’t regret being in the buff in all of those pics but I am growing tired of my naked body being all over my page. Its like wearing the same shirt in every pic. Its like…do u own anything else? Or in this case..do you own anything at all!? Lol I will result to publishing my barely clothed pics on my blog (here).

I have been featured on 2 porn related websites and I have no problem with that at all. I have gotten great emails from people who have seen me on these sites. Dudetube.com and StarrFucker.net

Im writing this blog in email form from work. I will email it to my reg email account and cut and paste it into my blog when I get home.

PS, I am tired so I took a redbull and I have the shakes!! Ouch!

Play

Muse and I spent the day together on Friday and took some pics. It was hot as hell and we were sweating with every step. At one point I had him wipe my back because it was dripping wet. I like the outcome of the pics. These are just a few of the good ones.

We also tried on skinny jeans at American Apparel and found out that we look great in a size 27 stretchy pair of corduroy. Not at the same time of course. lol

Mike.

Bits and Pieces

I saw Amy Winehouse recently and although she sounded great...it was not a show I would recommend. She was extremely boring and has absolutely no stage presence. The only wow factors to me are how much bigger her hair is and how skinny she really is.

I'm seeing Nelly Furtado in a week or so...I have 6Th row seats on the floor. Can't wait for that! I cannot wait to hear In God's Hands. It is supposed to be her next single too. I was hoping it wouldn't be released because its a very personal song. Its so late in the CD so most likely nobody will give a shit. She has had like 7 damn singles.

I may be seeing "celebrity" blogger Perez Hilton this week as well. That should be very interesting.

Lets see...I applied for 2 more positions at my job. Cross your fingers!!

I have 2 photo shoots for the month of June and of course I have my Muse. There will be many sporadic pics of him.

After my trip to NYC last weekend (the weekend of the 12th), I found myself feeling really sad about living here again. So I have some tricks up my sleeve.

2006 and so far 2007 are like nite and day for me so far. Not sure if that's a good thing yet..but I'm keeping it moving.

It just feels so slow...

Tall, Dark and Vegan

I followed John all thru SoHo on Satrday afternoon. It can be a bit challenging keeping up with those "model legs," but I was up for the task and as usual, it was quite the learning experience. John showed me where he shops and brought me to a really nice show room where the most beautiful tiles were on display. There was a "no picture" policy so we had to commit fashion espionage to get that one pic of him in the display bathroom. Just another day in NYC.

It was very sunny out and we walked around NYU and ate some snacks while talking about life. He is such a breath of fresh air because he is like walking art and is taking the right steps in the direction he wants to be in. Im proud of John and also privledged to have people like him around to inspire me and to prove that it can be done. He also has the most nastiest mouth I have encountered. Ha! Thankfully I am not easily offended by words because I don't have the purest mouth my-damn-self.

Amen to that.

Anniversaries

This weekend was a one year anniversary to a few life changing moments in my life.

RIP Travis.

Thank you for showing the world that a man can change. It may not have been visable to the naked eye, but you were humbled by your circumstance to the point where the beautiful person God intended you to be shined so bright that your sincerity touched many hearts. Where ever you are, you are loved.

China,

You are the most amazing person I have ever met. You are the most constant person in my life and I can't imagine my life without you. This time last year I was so distraught with Travis's death on top of my own problems and you saved me. I don't know how many times I have said that before..but its so true. I may not have been like this today because I was so lost.

I spent this weekend in NYC and I had a blast. No need to name drop because you all know who you are, thank you. I will post my pics right after this blog.

Im a bit emotional right now because I have the right to be.

Mikey needs sleep.

Goodnight.

Unfulfilled.

No exaggeration in that title at all. Let's see...I unintentionally got wasted on Friday night, got up early the next day with a hang over and along with another friend, drove to NYC to get some important stuff for a mutual friend. While in NYC I was supposed to get a shirt touched up with some rhinestones (im gay. lol) and possibly get some lunch in the city. Unfortunately we did not have enough time to do anything but pick up the equipment and come right back home. I did get to stop by a gathering for less then 5 minutes. We were really pressed for time so 5 minutes was too much time.

I called the friend we were doing the favor for and realized that we forgot a few important items. They weren't the most important things but different things mean different things to different people. After our convo ended I felt a little defeated. Like I had gone to NYC to do this favor only to not do it right. But after a while I thought to myself that maybe it wasn't such a big deal and that this friend didn't even say thank you or even express any gratitude. Nothing. He was actually supposed to call me back and didn't. I actually called him on Sunday and he was busy at work..and again...was supposed to call me back. Nothing.

Im a little pissed off because I volunteered to get certain items for him before it was too late. If I didn't volunteer to help he would have had nothing. Absolutely nothing. After I volunteered to pick up these specific items, I all of a sudden was in charge of getting everything that he wanted and needed. I don't need a gold medal or to be praised...but a simple thank you or a sign of being thankful would suffice. bleh.

Lesson learned.

I have spent my whole day off and on the phone with my other friend who broke up with his boyfriend. Its sad to hear him all distraught because I care for my friends a lot and I am very loyal and supportive. I will listen all summer if I have to, because I know what he is going thru.

Since I gave myself to my friends this weekend I decided that a little bootycall would do me some justice. Nope. After I finished I just felt gross. This is somebody I have been seeing every so often for the last year. Sweet guy, extremely sexy..but I think I am done with sex for now.

This weekend sucked.

Time 2 Reflect.

PS I am listening to the Above the Rim Soundtrack.

What you know about that?? lol

Dudetube Link.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Blah

It was a long day and I accomplished the routine. I feel a bit empty. Im a little lonely this evening and in a small funk. Just can't wait for what is next. Whatever that may be.

Nina was in bad shape this week and it really scared me. Pets are like kids and when something happens you cannot control, it can really affect your mood. She is better, and I am happy to have her back to normal. It almost makes me want to give her away so that I dont have to deal with such fear over what I cant control. But that would be silly of me because I love her. Plus I dont give up that easily. My baby girl needs me and is always happy to see me come home.

A good friend of mine and his boyfriend of 4 years almost broke up this week. It was a little devasting for me because I love them together and they give me hope. I have learned alot from them as far as loving unselfishly is concerned. I mean they obviously have their own problems and are not perfect, but they are wonderful together. Sometimes people get too comfortable and get bored. It happens...thats why you have to be open all the time and willing to compromise and keep things fresh. Anyhoo..I love them and am happy they are still together.

I have decided to stay off Myspace and any kind of instant messanger for the month of May because I spend entirely too much time on them and I need to be able to function and entertain myself without them. Maybe that is why I am lonely. lol

This weekend I will be going to NYC to pick up some studio equipment for a friend of mine. I might go to a club if time permits.

It's late already and I need to sleep.

Grrrrr!

A Little Somethin'..

So I decided to play with my lighting set again. I saw a pic somebody had and it was very raunchy. lol However, I love the lighting and the black background, so I recreated it and went to town with it. Thru in a mirror and everything. Then I played with it in photoshop.

Hope you enjoy.

Mike.

Shadows

I decided to take today off from work because my allergies are kicking my ass and I also just needed a mental day for myself. I know those that know me are like "What? you have Fridays off!!" LOL I have a 4 day 40 hour schedule. So I always have a 3 day weekend. But I make sure to stay busy all 3 days because I need to be productive. This weekend was taxing on me because of the photo shoot and then feeling sick from my allergies the following morning. I am not complaining..but I am tired and emotional.

Here is what I am getting to:

I am sad. This photo stuff is something I really want to do and I will be pursuing it. But this means that my plans to move are of course going to be (once again) pushed back.

A little history on where I live: I once shared this apartment with my best friend and my ex. We were very much like family. My best friend moved out to further his career and months after that my ex and I broke up and he moved out. I have been well put together and have pressed on with myself. However, I am still very much affected. I look around this house..and yes..I love my roommates! But the 3 of us (being my ex and best friend) did so much work on this apartment from the floors to the ceiling (literally) that it is haunting at times. I feel so left behind and homeless in this place. But I don't see a point in moving to another apartment because I just want to get out of this city.

Time goes by and I am just fine. I have a good job, great roommates, my baby girl Nina and I am living comfortably with my cash flow. But then those days creep in and I feel so awful. I miss my ex terribly and it breaks my heart some mornings to wake up in the same bed, same sheets and pillows...and not have him by my side. I don't even sleep on his side of the bed. My best friend as well. I miss being able to just chill and go out and walk around and talk shit. I see his old room sometimes and I think of all the hard work that was put into it and it just gets to me.

My best friend and I will eventually be at the same place at the same time and our relationship is still just as good. My ex and I...well..we'll never be able to be friends at this rate and without that, we'll just always be a memory to each other. It saddens me because I love him with everything in me, but I can only do so much. I feel like a lot of these feelings will lift once I move. Its one thing to remember...its another to have to be reminded of it everyday.

So yes, I am pursuing photography but its gonna keep me here a little longer...and Im just a little down..but it will work out. I just had to let that out.

Thanks for getting this far.

Here It Is

These are the pics (minus the last one) that I took this Saturday. I have been planning this shoot for close to 2 months now. It did not come out the way I wanted it to...but I am happy with the results. I wanted a pretty girl, distressed and drunk in the bathroom. Instead I got a pretty girl with vintage Chanel and Gatorade in a cocktail glass. LOL It proved to be much more difficult then I thought and there were some technical difficulties as well.

I must say that the people I worked with were absolutely wonderful. The subject herself, Erin, is a cowrker of mine, and she was great to work with. She is normally a Triple 5 Soul kinda gal and she comes to the office in baggy pants and sneakers everyday. It was nice to see her all dolled up. Another coworker of mine, Jess, was my assistant. She helped me with everything and did an awsome job with getting Erin's makeup done and she even made Erin's skirt poofy =)
I have a long way to go but at least I know this now. lol

The place is belongs to another friend of mine and the vintage Chanel pieces were from none other then Steph herself. Let's not forget her friendly neighbor, who provided the much needed help. My pics would not have come out like this without him. Thank you Aaron.

I have gotten some great feedback from many people, by both photographers and "regular" people. I got some good and some bad but all was good. One thing I did learn about criticism is that some people have no tact when giving it. Its important to understand that not everybody will be satisfied and some people think they can be rude with their comments. FYI: Being honast doesn't mean you have to be rude.

Anyhoo...I am sick as a dog because it is Alergy season! grrrrrr

Just a Little Bit

A lot of things have come to a point and my anxiety is a little high. I am on the verge of many things in my life right now. On the verge of a better paying position at my job, on the verge of verifying one of my passions as being a great career move and Im still saving to move. Quite a few big things going on at once. I have many obstacles as well, so I am really treading lightly so that I do not sabotage all of the opportunities that seem to be right around the corner.

My first planned photoshoot is this coming weekend and I am totally excited about it. I cannot stress enough the fact that I am a product of pop culture and damn proud of it too. I plan on using aesthetically pleasing people as subjects, however, Im not going for the hard plastic magazine look. I will have pics like that, because I want to be versatile as an artist, but I want to be known for taking pictures that are more then just pretty people looking...pretty. Im still new, so it will take some time before I can find my true direction in photography. I might change my mind and take pics of birds for all I know ;)

I of course will post those pics up here as soon as possible. Oh..and I will start a MySpace photo page as well.

I have reminded myself that I am a result of me searching for not only the person that I am now, but for the person that I want to be in the future. People can change...but they have to want it bad enough. I am the example.

Everybody cross your fingers, Mikey needs to move on. =)

To Date

I have been wanting to write this blog but I have been so tired and distracted. I went on a "non" date (sort of a date..but not as formal) this Sunday and it was ok. Very attractive guy, nice body, great fashion sense...super sweet and affectionate. We would cross the street and he would gently place his hand on my back and.... I was taken back a little. Who is this man treating me with respect? lol And like a lady as well! It wasn't bad..but it is something I prefer to do to somebody else.

I would like to say this man is like sex walking. Yes...if sex could walk..it would be him. Good lord...I want to put a hurting on this man. But...we play the same position if you know what I mean. He said he is willing to try something new..but I kinda dont believe him. He calls me when he says he is going to and if he doesn't he apologizes. Nice! I feel really weird because I am out of my comfort zone. I haven't dated in so long I am not sure what to do.

I am extremely affectionate and I love to have my hands all over who I am with..but is that too much right now? Of course it is! But...I have to get use to going at a different speed. The last time I entertained anybody in that kind of an intimate manner was my ex. That was close to 3 years in the making...so it cannot be the same. Bleh.

I dont want a relationship because I wasn't to move but Im just going to let it flow.

Experimenting

Im about to cut my hair because it is too long to keep down. It keeps waving up and I hate that shit. So before it actually turns into curls I decided its time for a haircut. So before that haircut I straightened it to see what it would look like. The pics do not capture the straightness of it. Everybody kept telling me my hair looks "asian." Yes it is that straight...but the pics are poor quality and makes it look a little poofy. Anyhoo..just wanted to share.

Its amazing how pictures make my eyebrows look smaller then they really are. Im sure ir doesnt help that I can lift them high..lol.

You Datin'?

After some further thinking, I am ready to date. Not ready for a relationship..but I think I should get into the dating scene before I turn into a weirdo. I haven't done this in close to 4 years now. Almost 3 years with one person and about one year getting over it while trying to find direction has added up pretty quick. Im kinda excited..Im willing to switch my standards up a bit for the sake of getting my feet wet.

Lets do it.

Go Mikey.