Porn and Open Relationships

So I have decided to look into working in the Porn Industry. Not as a porn star, but as a photographer. I have always admired that lifestyle and have been closely linked to it. If you don't remember, in the past I have been showcased in 2 porn sites. No, I will not repost! lol I also know some key people in the industry and I have a genuine interest in it. Its exciting, its still art and it is a very lucrative industry. Why not?

So, I am going to start poking around and seeing where I can get my foot in the door. Its weird how things work out. When in NYC, I always seem to attract people in that industry. Wish me Luck.

Recently, I read a quote from Will Smith stating that him and Jada have always been in an open relationship. From day 1 of their marriage. He said that is what has kept their relationship strong and sexy. Its still a very taboo subject, but I have to say I understand and agree with that way of thinking. Although we like to think of ourselves as being conservatives and with morals...we still are animals. Lets not forget that in this day and age we still slaughter and consume other animals. We will pretty much eat anything! So why are we so afraid of our sexual desires?

I understand that with all of these diseases going around, we shouldn't be promiscuous, but there are ways to keep it safe. I don't want to go too in depth with that..but its an option. If I ever date again, I will seriously consider it. Especially being gay. Men are cheaters..I don't care how good you think your man is..if he had the opportunity to cheat without getting caught, he will. It has nothing to do with love as much as it has to do with I believe to be our sexual instinct.

Who wants to date? lol jk

PS My good friend Edson, came to visit this weekend. We had a blast and went out for 4 nights in a row.

This doesnt even capture the fun we had. I damaged a Chandalier on Saturday night.

Don't ask. lol





Cheers!

Rock With Me

I thought I would share one of my favorite videos. It is no secret that I love Janet. She inspires the dancer in me and this video really brought me back to the clubs. It is highly overlooked but whenever it is played, people really react well to it. I tend to zone out and feel like I am in the video. Such a sexy and dark feeling..

This is another favorite that was highly overlooked as well. I tend to lose weight to this one:

NYC Pride '08

A lot of pictures were taken, but not with my camera. So, this is all I have for now. However, I wore 2 different outfits and there are plenty of beautiful people who are not represented in these 2 photo's. Although the 2 who count the most are in them: John and Brandon. I can always count on them to feel comfortable, loved and we always share some big laughter.

The day started off at a hole in the wall restaurant in the East side. We ate vegan red velvet cupcakes and I think I had some kind of Morrocan chicken wrap. After that, we hit up a party at the Gansevoort Hotel where we hid from the rain under table top umbrella's. From there we walked thru the Meat Packing District and chilled at Los Dados. After an hour of carrying on and drinking, we made our way to the much too crowded Pier at the end of Christopher street. I can't do that place during Pride anymore. Too many children and just too damn packed. If everybody in the ghetto was gay and they walked into the middle of the street...you would understand.

The night ended at a club called Hiro. I was there 2 years ago to see Esthero perform and the venue is gorgeous. I had a really good time there, I danced next to a cute porn star while exchanging glances (why do porn stars like me and why do they NEVER live in Boston??) all night and was hit on by a few people. Its nice to feel attractive. I also got to hang out with a very handsome guy...we made out. I know...very fast of me, but it was Pride. Oddly enough, I don't think we had any chemistry. I am very hot and cold like that..I either really like you or I am numb to you. Boo!

As usual, I didn't get to see everybody I wanted to see, but I will be back soon.

To sum it up...it was a good weekend. I will post other pics if I get my hands on them.

I want you..

..but I want you to want me too.

Just like I want you.

Just sayin'...

New things

I got rid of the Mistah ReD pics page because it just had a lot of pictures of me that I don't feel like sharing anymore. In its place, I started a new page that you can access by viewing my profile. It is titled Mike Milan in Pictures or you can go directly to it at http://mikemilanisakos.blogspot.com/. I will start going thru this blog and getting rid of some of the pics I can live without. Mainly the pics where I am showing too much skin. I will leave some...but a lot will go.

The pic I posted this week will be edited as well. UPDATE: it has been cropped.

Less is more.

Tacky of me, but too true..

Attention masculine bottom men; I am not competing with you, nor am I competing for you. Please stop all of the hating, because I don't want "your man." Stop thinking that your masculinity makes you a hot commodity in my eyes because it doesn't. I don't want you. I have no hang ups with my masculinity and I don't care if in your eyes, I am too fem for you.

Listen up, if you don't like me, I won't like you either. There is no need to throw your negative vibes my way because my jeans are tight. The very act of you being shady to me is you being what you think you are not...catty and bitchy aka having female traits aka just a step away from being fem. Don't confuse my manners for being interested in you..u make my vain ways seem small compared to ur inflated ego.

Fall back son...you're not my type. I stopped liking "thugs" when I left high school.

PS Your eyebrows are starting to grow back...u should do something about it.

Getting Ready

Since my class ended early this month, I have not been taking any pictures. My next class starts this Friday and I decided to take some pictures of myself to make sure I remembered how to use my manual options. This picture is all I am willing to share because the rest were for me to see how my body has changed in the last few weeks (and many were deleted..lol).

Not too bad, but I still have a long way to go before I really like what it all looks like.

I can't wait for the studio access.

Because emotions are real

I miss that feeling because i can still taste it
face to face with my arm across your body
you and i, we disappear into each other
I hold your hand and you protect my heart
time is so limited but it tends to stand still when we are together
a never ending symphony of fulfilled desires
you love me because I dedicate my purest actions to your existence
and I am fragile for your eyes only
Our life is outlined with priceless memories
and I raise a toast to our past, present and future
Because it is worth it


A song came on and it sparked some raw emotions. Nothing sad...it was all good. It reminded me of everytime I layed next to somebody and felt "that feeling.' It inspired me to write this piece. FYI: This is not for anybody in particular, just a celebration of the love and affection that I have experienced. Life is too short, but certain feelings can prolong the process..good and bad.

Desire VS Expectation

I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and we got into a good conversation about what I want out of a certain situation. Upon discussing different scenarios, a thought popped into my head: our desires are not the same as our expectations. Its a simple concept to grasp, and yet I think we are all a little guilty of letting our desires cloud our judgment. I know I am (guilty of such).

In the absence of employment, I seem to have quite a few desires. Some more materialistic while others are...well..personal. Lately, I have been a little out of character and somewhat needy with the people around me because I have pretty much run out of things to do and I am bored out of my mind. So bored, I may finally learn how to drive a damn car.

The only thing I want that I actually expect to get, is a job. Everything and everybody else..it will happen if it happens.

Sometimes I type too much..

..and then I take it back. Not because it wasn't true at the moment..but because I have so much time on my hands that I am putting too much of myself out there.

Hot!

This is what I look like in my house during this mini heatwave...



...Red dot and all! lol

Nina VS. Alf

With all of my time off I have decided to clean area's I have been too busy to reach. One of those area's is behind my PC. It is very dusty back there and just scary to look at. I also have an Alf stuffed animal on top of my monitor. Yes, Alf from Melmac. Anyhoo, I removed him and placed him near a big red Puma shopping bag. Somehow he ended up in the bag with his face sticking out.

Well, it has been about a week and Nina has been acting very strange. her eating habits have changed and she has been very nervous acting. Crying a lot and running back and forth. She has even lost some weight. So, today I decided to feel around her body to see if maybe she was in pain or something. Nothing. As far as eating, she still is a damn crumb snatcher, so I know she still has an appetite. Still, nothing. I was beginning to think that I have to bring her to the vet...which I can't really afford right now.

However, on one of her frantic runs, I heard her touch the big red Puma bag in the hallway only to see her dart back into the room. I looked into the hallway and noticed that Alf's face was looking back at me. No way...could this be it? The source of her paranoia and loss of interest in her food??? I had my roommate distract her while I removed Alf from the big red bag. Sure enough, she was back in the hallway. Only this time she almost jumped into the bag. She started searching around the bag and the hallway. She darted back in the room and looked very worried.

It was Alf! She was looking for him! Nina did not want to believe that he was gone so she became obsessed with the big red Puma shopping bag. I tried to put it in the pantry but she wouldn't stop stalking the door. So, we had to throw the bag out...in front of her!

Within minutes, Nina has finished a bowl of her dog food and has been crying less. It has been 2 days since she has eaten her food. Hopefully this is it...to think, she must have been tormented for a whole week. LOL

Awww..my baby girl!

It Happens

There is a disconnect going on right now, but one thing I have learned is that people are dispensable. It may seem like a very shady and hurtful thing to say, but it is true. People change all the time and sometimes we change to the point where we are no longer compatible with the people around us. It sucks when some of the most important people around you become a stagnant part of your life. Or worse...a bad influence. Not to mention when the shoe is on the other foot and you are stagnant and your influence is hurtful to the ones around you.

But it happens.

PS: the banner in the previous post is definitely NOT going to happen. It looks like a damn MySpace shrine. I will design something more tasteful in due time.

Possible Banner

Thanks for reading another installment of my sometimes overexposed life on blog.

I am still jobless. I applied at a few places but I have heard nothing back. There is something inside of me that doesn't want to be bothered with being employed. I think its called...laziness! ha! Seriously, I am enjoying this great weather and I have been out a lot. Since being laid off I have gained 4 pounds from going to the gym so much. I go to the gym almost everyday now and my body is changing pretty quick.

Anyhoo, I think I am ready for a banner. This designed was on the whim. I want a damn banner but after designing this mess..I am kind of not feeling myself all over it. Although it is my blog!!! lol

Any feedback or suggestions would be great.



Cheers!

Yeah, I said it.

Not having a job means that I talk 75% less then I have been accustomed to for the last 3 years. Weird but true. Everybody works all day and I am home to search for jobs online and clean. So when I speak to somebody, I turn into Chatty Kathy. Ugh. Its like word vomit. I can't seem to shut the fuck up. Other then that, I go to the gym often and stay longer then usual. I also have been spending waaay too much money on eating out.

My Beg. Photography class is finally over. I might not have mentioned that here, but I took an 8 week course and I went to class once a week for a few hours. It was very informative and I got some good stuff out of it. Not as much as I wanted, but the teacher was like super ADD...seriously. He is an older guy with over 30 years experience and I think he just knows way too much to teach. Not sure if that makes sense. It was just a lot to absorb. Anyhoo, I am taking one more class thru the summer. It will focus more on fashion photography and I am very excited.

Lets see, what else can I chat about...hmmm. I have somewhat of a crush on somebody. That's new..cuz you know, I don't like people like that. I snapped my fucking glasses today and I had to glue them back together because I cannot afford a new pair. Hot.

Lets see..what else. This may get me in trouble, but whatever..a friend and some loser broke up. There, I said it. In his defense, the loser is a nice guy, but who said losers can't be nice!?

I also deleted an acquaintence from my myapce friends list over a political debate. lol You know, I am not sensitive about that mess, but if I feel that you are being an asshole and trying to cover it with your political view...you kind of just made ur asshole-ness seem bigger. Umm..hello?

OK, let me get back to hell.

If Only...

I spoke to a good friend earlier about an ongoing issue she has been having with a "guy friend," and I gave her advice that I wished I would have given myself a long time ago:

"Closure is not a conversation."

After our talk, I started cleaning my kitchen like a crackhead and I was really thinking about what I had said to her...its a really deep statement.

For me, it means that no amount of words in any conversation can overpower the action of a situation. People can lie, embelish and totally skew things with words. This comes from being in situations with people who do not know how to verbally comunicate and or are liars. But little do they know that their actions end up giving them away. Its frustrating, I know, but sometimes people leave you no choice but to do it on your own.

Fuck it.

Carry On

It has been almost a week now and things are settling in. I have been so well rested and the days have been filled with eating out, movies, friends and faux coworkers. I also got a sweet pair of all white Supra Skytops and a Beetles t-shirt.

Its actually been a pretty good week despite being laid off. I do need a new job and I will start my search starting tonight or very early tomorrow. But either way it will all fall into place. I have been tempted to do some searches in NYC, but I am not going to let this force my hand. It would be easy to run out of here, but I want to take one more class this summer. Once I am done with that, I should have no reason to be here. Unless the new job I have pays me 10k more then what I was already making, then I will consider staying a little longer. But only because I would then have even more money to move. I seriously doubt I am going to get that much considering I am an art school dropout and students are graduating this month.

I have these mixed feelings about my free time because I am not sure how long it will last. Ideally, I would like to throw myself into my art and take many pictures, but I feel as soon as I put my resume out there..I might not be unemployed for long. But, as I stated before, it is May and students are graduating, so I may not want to wait too long or there may be no jobs available.

Well, I will do it all. I will look for a job, find one and do my art at the same time.

Im ADD like that.


My "Wife" Bory and I.

From Home

So far, its like breaking up with somebody you have been with for a few years. For those of you that know me well, you might see how this is somewhat of an unwanted flashback.

For the last almost 3.5 years of my life, I have dedicated my time and energy to this company. I came in with no experience and made sure to knock down every barrier and any odds that were stacked against me so that I could climb the ladder into a position that would make me proud. Until this job, I had never been promoted to anything and I don't think I ever had the desire or motivation to do so. Not here. I was on a mission and I had to prove to myself, that I can be more then just a worker bee at the bottom of a barrel. Granted, I wasn't a manager or any kind of superior, but I was many platforms away from the position I had first held.

When I interviewed for this job, my resume had been mixed up with somebody who had experience. So, when I let the interviewers know that they had the wrong resume, and that mine was the one with no experience, I made sure to give the best interview that I could give, and it worked. I was told that this is the kind of job that had plenty of room for growth and that it comes fast. It was true, if you really wanted it. After 2 years, about 2 and a half different departments, awards, gifts and decent raises, I was finally able to secure my way into the position I wanted from the day I got there. But, after 2 layoffs and some huge unexpected setbacks to the company, the 3rd set of layoffs weren't as kind to me. I have been sent packing.

I am not upset that I was chosen this time around (along with 500 others), because this company invested in me the same way that I had invested in it. I got out of it what I put into it, and I can't complain. I know that it is usually not that easy to progress in most company's, so I am grateful to have gotten to where I was at before the layoff. Not only did I progress in the company, but I progressed into a better employee, a harder worker, better team player and able to twist and bend with an ever changing workflow. I wrote a letter to one of my managers the weekend before the layoff, and I told her that "I hope for the best, but I am ready for the worse. What I take from you, **** and everybody I have worked with here, will be invaluable to my future as a team player in almost any setting imaginable." She sent me a nice reply but she ended up losing her job before I made it to the office, so I am glad I was able to put that out there because the people in this company (past and present) are awesome and I really wish nothing but the best for everybody.

Anyhoo, I am sure it will take me a few days or maybe a bit longer to get used to this, but at this point in my life, I am not afraid of change. However, I really am going to miss the people who made going to work extremely easy...so much time spent with them, 5 days a week. Its almost like moving away from family. I feel like I have been able to secure myself some lifetime friends. Thats nice.

I'll be fine.

Take care, my friends.

The other shoe dropped.

Dear Colleague

Due to the sudden and unexpected filing for bankruptcy by **** and the Bank of America’s decision to exit the private student loan industry and terminate its relationship with ****, the Company is taking immediate measures to reduce its costs, including reducing its workforce. Regrettably your position is being eliminated.

Your presence is required at a meeting at Noon in the OCR Auditorium to review the next steps in the reduction in force process. We will be sharing important information regarding your separation from ****, including WARN notice and final paychecks and inventory sheet confirming your return of Company property.

To begin the separation process please

· Gather your personal property. There are boxes and packing materials available in the coffee areas on your floor.

· Leave all **** property at your workstation. This includes badges, laptops, IT tokens, blackberries and credit cards.

Following your meeting and completion of the pink inventory checklist you must leave the building. Your network access and badge access will be shut down shortly.

Long Weekend

I just want it to be over already...

Robyn will save you too!!!

Tuesday started as a grim day. I was given a number as to how many people are going to be laid off at my job and I felt sick to my stomach for most of the day. That was until I saw Robyn perform. Yes, THAT Robyn! from the late 90's, "Show Me Love," Robyn.

From what I have gathered, she was somewhat of a puppet back then. She now has her own Indie label and has a really good pop album that was released in the US as of yesterday. This is the most PURE pop album I have heard in a long time..if ever. FYI: Pure and pop are words that aren't really used to describe a sound. No big producers or army of writers. Not that I am against what big producers and writers can create, but when an artist can make really good music on their own, it makes it special and honest.

Anyhoo, her live performance was so simple and raw yet filled with yummy pop. Her voice sounded exactly the same in person as it does on her album. One amazing thing about her was that she was able to dance, jump, run, pose and sing without going off key or sounding out of breath. The only person I have seen live that can do that, is Beyonce. I can go on and on..but her sound is so new and FRESH that I would rather anybody reading this, to actually listen to it and fall in love with pop music again.

Give Robyn and good music a chance and BUY her music if you like it.

PS, when she sang Eclipse, I could barely sing a long with her because I got teary eyed! lol

This is the cover of her CD if you look for it. You can find her on the remix to Snoop Dogg's Sexual Seduction on iTunes.

http://www.myspace.com/robynmyspace

You Need This...!

These are some CD's that I have on heavy rotation:

Although I was a little dissapointed that it wasnt a total dance album, it still is a good piece of work. I have an undying love for Janet because she is the reason why I dance. Her "Rock With U" video inspired me to start clubbing again because I love to be out and dancing in a crowd of people. "2Nite" NEEDS to be a single.

An aspiring producer made a really good extended mix of Rock With U. You can youtube it, just type in "Rock With U" and "Justiss." I got him to email me the mp3 for it and I play it on my iPod. I even designed an album cover for it. lol

So far, Danity Kane has the most solid pop album for 2008. Every last song, even the damn interludes, are bad as hell!!! I have so much respect for these girls now. They have writing credits in most of the songs on the album and even did the vocal arrangements to "Lights Out." Give them a chance, you will not stop playing it..its like healthy crack. lol

Mariah Carey and Madonna's albums are overated. They aren't bad, but they have done better. I have had Madonna's for well over a week now and I must say that I am dissapointed at how bored she sounds. Mariah Carey took a few steps back (lyrically and vocally), but she has the stronger album of the 2. "For The Record" is the gem of E=MC2.

I cannot wait for Usher's new joint!

Ok, thats enough..lol.

Quietly

I know it has been awhile since I have posted anything on my blog, but I have been living too much to do so. Nothing dramatic, Im still single, and I am still employed at the same place (for now), but I also started a class in photography as well.

first of all, being in a school setting is very challenging. I have never been good at school and I can never seem to focus or understand half of the shit that comes out of the teacher's mouth. I try so hard to focus but even with trying to focus, I end up not understanding. It makes more sense now that I know that I have ADD, but it still sucks. I try sit low in my seat so that the teacher doesn't ask me any questions and at times I feel like just leaving the class because I feel dumb. Really..I do. I know that I am not, but its those moments that make me (literally) hot under my collar and I have to put myself in check because I have missed too many opportunity's being afraid and feeling inferior to everybody who can easily pick up a book or listen to an instructor and be able to make sense of it at a speed that I cannot comprehend.

I tried the drug route, but after being on 3 different meds, I can't do it. They work for a few hours, but I crash and my attitude sucks. I sometimes didn't even know who I was when I took them. I would be so rude and disconnected from everybody. I am not that person.

My job went thru some big layoffs at the beginning of the year and we are about to have some more layoffs in the next week or so. This time it may be massive and I am hoping for the best. I have been at my job for over 3 years and I have survived 2 downsizings. I work with some really amazing people and no mater if I keep my job or not, I will be losing some people that are very important to me on a daily basis.

To the person this applies to:

"Do you ever get tired of hearing yourself speak? Do you ever feel like maybe you should do some more listening and less time talking about yourself? Really, when you hang up the phone, do you realize that everything that was said to you (that didn't involve you or ur opinion) was quickly brushed aside by another topic about yourself? Friendships work better when you can share a conversation instead of picking up the phone and putting me thru at least an hour of ...you.

I love you, but its not a good thing when I question why I do..

I am not a fan, I am your friend..if you don't know the difference or if there isn't much of a difference in how you treat the 2..then I am all set."

Other then that, I am just fine.

;)

More Photo's

Today, we love him. lol

We took these on the whim and they came out pretty good. Considering the batteries in my camera started dying as soon as I set my lights up.

I say No to Obama.

A new Senator and author of 2 hope theme books. A man of color, a husband, trustworthy face (and handsome) and a good attitude. Although these things are positives in my book for a good leader, they are not enough. Nothing about this man is enough. What I see from Mr. Obama is the hope for a better leader he could be in the future. To me, he hasn't had enough time to demonstrate what kind of leader he is. AND as an author I find it very disturbing that he has had speeches that were identical, word for word, from Gov. Deval Patrick (who is not doing a good job in my home state of MA and keeps getting popped for doing the most irresponsible things like spending our tax dollars on expensive new furniture and a luxury car) and JFK. Yes, JFK.

How does an accomplished author not have original material for a set of speeches he uses in every state?

I think of hope when the chips are down and we need to look for change. I feel like we are passed that phase and should be about taking action. The hope, for me, is electing a president that will do the things necessary to build our great country back up, not somebody who is still talking about it. I do not want a Democratic candidate that the Republicans support. Why would the Republicans want to support one candidate over another when they have to go into battle either way? Could it be they are rooting for the candidate that will be easiest to beat? Do the republicans really want to battle Hillary...again? What could they possibly say or do to that woman that they haven't done or said in the last 15 years?

I obviously am a Hillary supporter. To me, both Hillary and Barack have some great ideas and I would be fine with any variation of their views...but I believe that only one of them stands a chance at being our next president. I also believe that somebody with as much experience and heart as Hillary would do a better job. I would not be opposed to Barack being our president in 8 years (or 4 years at this rate) because I believe by that time he would be seasoned. But not now.

People are so caught up on wanting something different and just the whole popularity factor but nobody that I have asked has been able to tell me any of Obama's accomplishments. He is winning people over with just his words. I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Anyhoo, that is my 2 cents.

29.

I am now officially 29 years old.

Time really flys. It was just 2 years ago this very month that my life was completely changed. Four years ago, little did I know I would be back to where I am/was...

Its a blessing to be able to reach back and pick up where you could have, would have and should have done. No regrets. what. so. ever.

I love me for the work in progress that I am.

Thank you to everybody who has helped me progress into who I am today, and what I will hopefully be in the future.

Oh, Sick.

Today I am sick. Yes, 2 days away from my party and I am sick. This is such bad timing because this is the begining of whatever sickness I have and I can feel it.

I have not gotten any better since last night. I have gotten worse. =/

I did manage to take these pics because I am home sick and extremely bored...so why not?

Tight.

The weekend is hear and I am determined to start taking the gym serious again. I need to stock up on vitamins as well. My birthday is next week and I will be 29. Dancing the way that I do, I need to invest in supplements that are good for my joints such as fish oil. I know I am not old, but I like to be proactive.

Looks like a GNC weekend.

That, and maybe some more Diesel jeans! lol

I need a little bit of a treat after enduring this draining week.

Black Wednesday, PS:

The President of the company spoke to the group of people who were let go and also to the people who were not. He was pretty honest and a little insensitive..or maybe we were all just so damn raw. Anyhoo, I was told today that after he broke the news to everybody, he was let go as well.

What!?

Right about now, Im just sticking around for the severance pay.

(Art) Work

Minus the self shot at the bottom, these pics are of my good friend and roommate. I haven't really touched my camera since the Summer. Gotta get back on my grind!

Hope you like.

Let it be

I went to another therapy session today (thursday feb 7th). It was very awkward and I do not think I need to go to that place anymore. I understand how important something like therapy can be for certain individuals...but not for me. Sitting there for an hour talking about myself and my problems is just too much (and boring).I am telling this person all of these important things about me and then when I leave I feel like I have gotten nothing out if it. If anything I leave feeling raw...for no reason.

One thing that I got out of my session actually hurt me. I was slightly late (as I am for everything) and I mentioned that being late is almost like having a disease. The therapist then said that it is. And it is part of my ADD. I was blown away that she said that because I believed her and yet I never put the two together. In that one moment of clarity, I felt so vulnerable and foolish.

That realization snowballed into a deep feeling of despair for my coworkers. I knew that I had to go into that empty office and face the fact that I wouldn't be seeing the people who taught me how to get my job done, made me laugh, encouraged me, inspired me and loved me. I had to go in there knowing that the last time I saw them here..they were crying or walking away in disbelief. And yet, I had to go there and work.

I couldn't finish my egg and cheese croissant at Dunkin' Donuts because I felt so awful. I exited and walked towards the train station thru wind and snow. As cold as it was, my face was hot and my eyes welled up. I was tempted to just call out and go home because I was emotionally distraught. However, I couldn't let my sadness get the best of me. Like everything else, it will pass.

I may not work with these people anymore, but life isn't over. If any of my coworkers and I are meant to be friends outside of work, it will happen.

If not, no love lost. None at all.
I live to love.

Black Wednesday

Today, my job axed around 70% of the people in my department. Some of these people I have been working with since the day I started my training (3 years ago). I work a lot and I also have been known to do a lot of over time as well, so these people were pretty close to being my family.
In the morning, before I left my house, I got a call from a coworker telling me that a whole department was laid off and that she heard 50% of us were going to be let go as well. I instantly felt sick. She also told me that there were police in the parking lot and extra security in the building. This is all too familiar to me because I have made it thru one corporate downsize already.

On my train ride to work, my mind was racing but I don't even remember what I was thinking about. When I walked in the building I saw some coworkers and I kind of put my head down. I was asked if I was ok, and I said I was fine...just tired. The day felt weird and I could hardly get any work done. I start at 12pm so by the time I got there, people had already been getting "vibes." There was an odd number of managers from other office locations roaming around our floor. Something was shifting and you could feel it.

At around 1:50ish, some managers started walking around and telling everybody to check their emails, while other managers quietly lined up at the exits. I checked my email but I had nothing. I asked some of the people around me and they didn't have any new emails. But there was a new email for many other people.

HR sent an email to the people who were getting laid off(all at once) to attend a 2pm meeting. From what I was told, the email stated that the meeting at 2pm is mandatory and that you shoud collect your personal belongings because you will not be allowed to come back to your desk. We all knew what the meeting was for because people in other departments were being laid off in front of us. As the message suggested, the meeting was to let those individuals know that they have been let go. So when that email hit..it was like a kick in the stomach. People were frantic and asking each other "Did you get an email!? Did you get an email!?" The question moved thru the room like a wave.

You could taste the fear in the air. It was one of the most intense moments of my life.

Sudenly, a heartfelt email was sent to the department from a coworker who had recieved the email and others followed suit with quick goodbyes and personal contact info. Each email recieved was like a bomb and once it sank in, there were many tears and hugs and just so much fear. We all work in one big room so you got to see everybody's reaction. It was heart wrenching to say the least. One of my coworkers came to my desk and broke down and told me that she tried to do her best..I then broke down too. It was just a lot. All of this happened in a span of 5 to maybe 10 minutes.

The managers stood by and kind of ushered people towards the auditorium. Then they were gone..and only a few of us were left with this loud silence.

I am very lucky to have been chosen to keep my job and to be apart of a new direction...but it is such a bitter sweet feeling.

=/

Storm

This year has begun with a lot of resentment and bitterness. I cannot pin point it, but I seem to not be able to control my attitude. I need space...a lot of it.

I somewhat regret setting up a party for my BDay because I am unsure if I have any real friends at this point. A room full of random "friends." I have no idea who I can trust and who is just using me. I know..its not that deep..but something in me feels like it is.

I feel very trapped and disconnected. One minute Im fine and the next Im just angry as hell at the smallest thing and I really just want to go off and break shit and cuss people out. I have never felt such intense feelings. Im trying to understand where it is coming from because this isnt healthy for me.

It keeps me up at night and I wake up with headaches.

I don't want to go to work but I don't want to stay home either.

I feel like I don't even know myself...

..but I will be fine.

I promise.

It Ends and it Begins

This year, I will not be as nice and I will not be used by the people who are supposed to be my friends. I may not have as many friends after this year, but if I do.,it may not be the ones I have now...and I am ok with that.

If you eat all of the cookies at once, you have none left for later.