Too Damn Much

I am a busy person. I knew that I always had something to do but this has been ridiculous. I figured that staying away from NYC would help me live normally in Boston and that I would have all of the time to fix my room, feed myself, spend time with Nina and get back to me. I work 10 hours a day 4 days a week so during those 4 days I do close to nothing but eat sleep and work. The 3 days I have off I have been so busy with anything you can think of. Laundry, guests, bars, more guests, clubs and even boys. Yes...Mr...... Celibate has been not so celibate.

I still have not had sex since June but I have not been so innocent either. Not going to get into any details but I am responsible for my actions so I apparently need to work on my self control. As it stands right now, all of the fraud stuff is not completed. Still waiting for my bank and all of the creditors to get thru their investigations. That is a subject far too draining for me to get into.

I have been talking to a sweet guy from Chicago on the phone like 2 or 3 times a day everyday for the past month now. I have a huge crush on him and he has one on me too. I am going to visit him at the end of the month (hopefully) for a weekend. We are well aware of the fact that nothing is going to come out of this other then us being friends. Our lives and locations would not let us be what we could be...so its to just enjoy the little stuff we have now. Thas my babe right now...awwww. lol

On another note, my friendship with John has grown a bit as well. Lawd that boy is a clown. We actually speak a few times a day as well...it just never gets old. Its refreshing to know that there are still people out there that are about something. Even if his exterior is filled with fashion and shade...lol. He is a great guy and has a great boyfriend. I am so on their side. And when I say that I mean that I am happy to see 2 guys doing the best they can do to be together. No matter the distance or situation. Not that I have been here long enough to see "trouble," but I am optimistic for them. In a sense seeing their love reminds me of what I had but on a larger scale. It will take some time but I will get there...

Im feeling a bit pressured about money right now. Winter is coming and I need to buckle down and save save save so I can get the fuck out of this city. I played the lotto the other day lol. I obviously didn't win.

Thank God time is free....I need a lot of it.

Can you spare me some time?

Ok.

I spent the entire weekend alone and it felt good. I went out once with a friend because he was here from out of town. We went to a club/bar/restaurant(it has it all!) and got drunk. I met a cute (i think..i was drunk) guy there and we exchanged numbers. I assume nothing will come of that cuz it never does. Im proud of myself and this progress of mine. Sure I was bored, but who wouldn't be bored if they have spent every weekend this month in NYC? Its such a huge contrast.

I wasn't lonely at all and as a matter of fact I am really not in the position to feel that way. I am trying to remain celibate till the end of this year...so the less interaction the better. Im going to try and stay away from all of those cruisy sites that I have been going to and try to just focus on money, my body and moving. As always I will never deny my heart so if I for some odd reason I am blessed with the presence of a worthy person...I will do my thing. Till then I am going to focus on what lyes ahead.

Thanks to everybody for being so supportive in this shitty time of mine. If you read my last blog Im sure you will understand. But whatever...what can I do but just move on.

Its time for a new tattoo.



Mikey

Distraught?

On my way home from NYC I realized that my bank account was close to Zero dollars which is unheard of for me. I of coursed called my bank to see what was up with my balance and that's when I found out....I am a victim of Identity theft. The worst kind though (and most common). It was by a person who is close to me. Since Sunday night all the way up until a few minutes ago I have found out his pattern. First he must have acquired my Social Security number then applied for 3 credit cards, got at least 2 of them and maxed them out (totaling over 1,500) with cash advances and Western Union transactions. Once he maxed those out he then got lucky and got a hold of my new debit card in the mail. So of course he took all of my money while I was in NYC.

Not only is this going on but I have a roommate addicted to crack who has just been informed by my other roommate and I that he has to move out. He has been a crack head the whole time he has been here but we never put 2 and 2 together. We just thought he was weird...hey! we are busy people. Also the person (who I have known for 9 years and who I was trying to help...) who took my "identity" is addicted to crack as well. That is why he did what he did...so you can imagine how shitty this situation is for me. Not only did this person take my "identity," but he took a pair of my (limited addition) Adidas and a very important letter that my ex sent to me that included some money that he owed. I came home early everyday for a week waiting for that letter...and it never came.

Where does this leave me now? All over the place. I have missed work the last 2 days because this person has a key to my house and I have been busy trying to track down all of the creditors that I now have "credit with." Not only that but I am dealing with the police (I filed a police report) trying to get info thru me from the creditors because if the detectives call they have to get a subpoena (which takes a month).

I emailed my ex the situation because I wanted to let him know that I know why I didn't get his letter. We spoke for a while and he of course gave me the "Im so sorry this is happening to you.." talk. I appreciate it because...well..I believe him. He then emailed me with this statement:

In that letter, I wrote some things on how I felt that day and how much I miss everything....

Keep your head up.

Love,
D***nd

It opened up a little bit of those old wounds and made me really bitter because it would have been nice to have something tangible..something to look at and hold that validated all of these left over feelings. But it was taken from me...just like my money..and just like my Adidas.

Now I have to do all of this paperwork in order to get my life on track. Im so tired mentally and physically. There are no words that can express what is going thru my mind. I am a very spiritual person and I know that we are given only what we can handle. And yes I am talking about God.

On a random note..I have decided to be celibate. I am tired of regular sex and I would much rather save it for somebody worth dating. Plus...do u really wanna fuck with a guy with all of this shit going on? lol

There is hope out there...and I am reaching for it.

Love,
Mikey

Oh Summer

This was my last weekend in NYC for the summer and I have many mixed emotions. In a sense I feel like this year is over but of course its not. Its going to get harder. No more hot days beating the streets of NYC with the people who have sustained me this year. Up until the summer I was a huge emotional mess. Why mention the reason? This summer showed me how to open up and be myself again. I have met some cute guys and have considered dating a few but for one reason or another it just wasn't meant to be. I also was able to recapture my passion for dance. How bout I just list the things about this summer that have helped me in one way or another?

Genuine people who have showed me how to have a good time.

My Boston crew: Johnny, Danny, Patrice, Byron and Stephanie

My NYC crew: Harvey, Brandon, John and Frowen (and the many people I have met thru you 2), Eric, Carlos and Oso.

My eyes were definitely opened this year and a lot of people have come and gone and a lot of true colors were shown in such a short amount of time. A lot of fakers and fronters and plenty of people who bit off more then they could chew. Good sex, bad sex, a yearning to be wanted for more then just my body, self realizations, the hardest HIV test I ever took (negative but still..) hot club nights, a lot of booze, Richie, day breaking, getting over (and still) my ex, a lot of shopping, sushi, cooking, many many trips and accepting my weight problem. There is more but those are the ones that stand out.

Individual shout outs:

Johnny, thank you so much for taking me out of the house those first few times. Life was harder then you know before you came a long and showed me I could go out in Boston. And of course for introducing me to Patrice and Danny.

John, we finally met! Talk about MySpace networking? I enjoy you profusely and thank you for introducing me to Frowen and the rest of your eclectic friends. I admire and live thru you and Frown's relationship and I can only hope that things progress for you two. And of course I hope I am there for it.

Stephanie, thank you for being apart of my "coming back to reality" process. Your light and friendly attitude was such a needed breath of fresh air. We can drive anywhere and never stop talking.

Brandon, thank you for being patient and for being a real friend. I love you with all of my heart and you are one of my best investments. Its been what..7 years? Here is to another million (do u think we'll still be hot then? lol)

Harvey, you are and have been the brother I never had. I don't know where I would be or how I would have survived these last 4 years without you. Thank you for being one of the most constant people in my life (especially in these times). Let us now focus.

China, we can not talk for large periods of times but I know that I can count on you and you can always count on me. I could have died that rainy weekend but you came to my rescue. You may never know how much you helped me that day but I still think about it and it makes me emotional just knowing how selfless you can be. That prom forever changed our lives.

Daland, how weird is it for me to type that name? Im so use to typing the Ex,"Him" or any other variation. You have loved me like no other and yet you have hurt me just the same. Not sure if you were trying to undo all of the love that we built but whatever the case may be...I don't have it in me to hate you. Thank you for showing me that I can be very weak, emotionally and mentally and that I don't know it all. Realizing that has made me a better man because those are mistakes I will not make again. I will love again and thanks to you I know how sweet it is and I know how to cook, clean and put my needs (when appropriate) to the side for the next man I am with.

Ivette, my sister. This is the first time ever that we have been able to see eye to eye on many things and this is the first time I felt like we are related. I hope we continue this relationship. After all..we are stuck with each other.

This has been the longest, hardest year of my life and it is not over yet. I have a few more battles to conquer before this year ends. But so far, so good right?

Mariah Carey Milestone.

So I saw Mariah Carey this evening and I have to give it to her...that lady can sing. Sure there were some flat notes from time to time, but if you sang like Mariah for 2 hours Im sure you would do the same. I was supposed to go with my Ex but it didn't work out that way. I honestly thought he didn't want to go anymore because he avoids me all the time. He doesn't answer my calls, return my voicemail's or answer my questions via email correctly. I would ask him how to do something technical on the PC and he would reply with "I went on a job interview today." lol You gotta laugh at that shit..I do.

So I asked somebody else (my "sister") to go at the last minute because he didn't return my last call. Its all peace man, really. He has a new man and I know how he gets with his man. I should know. I figured out of respect for his man he wouldn't go to the concert with me. But knowing him he would have lied to his man anyways...if you read my Libra blog you know what I mean (its a MySpace thing...). To say the least I am so GLAD I didn't bring him. Some of those ballads would have killed me and I would have had a completely different experience. There were some songs that made me forget where I was because they stirred up memories of us. I love memories of us because those were some of the best memories of my life.

That's life. Shit happens, people fuck up and fuck you in the process. I don't have it in me to hate him because I still love that man. This concert marks a milestone for me because I have been waiting for it to come and go so I cannot have an excuse to have contact with him. I just want him to do his thing with his new man and let me move on. I would also like for him to introduce us one day because Im not a hater, I can handle it. Im sure he is a nice fella. I am. He dated me. Maybe he really meant it when he said....well..nevermind...bleh.

On a random note I saw Esthero on Thursday night. I have to dedicate a whole new blog for that one because it was so phenomenal I have to gather up the energy. lol Plus I am waiting for some pics to post with it.

Love over The Manhattan Bridge.

There is a fella out there that I have always carried in my heart. I carried him even throughout my last relationship. Now..as I have stated many times before, I was seriously in love and believed that I was with the man I would spend the rest of my life with..regardless of the problems we encountered. But every now and then I would question myself because I just could not shake off these feelings for this particular person. The feelings were never strong enough to make me get up and leave because I don’t follow my heart if I believe its pointless. Lets face it, our hearts can get us into a lot of problems. Especially when you have a big heart like I do..lol. I promise you that its in me! =P

I mentioned him in a blog recently and when I wrote it I was blown away at the fact that I could still feel that way after all of these years. Its been close to 6 years to be exact. Aesthetically he is the best looking man I have had the pleasure to be intimate with and when it comes to conversing he is on the same level as me. We can talk about anything and he can even shut me up. Unless you are Tony Milan, that is a hard thing to do. He is the only person after all of these years that has made me nervous before we would meet up and…lord..lol. Yeah..its a mess.

We unintentionally met up 2 times this weekend and partied together. He even got me drunk on Saturday…Im not even a drinker anymore. Everywhere we went there were men falling over him and asking to buy him drinks, and coming onto him in the most awkward ways. It was amazing how unattractive he made me look. If you know me well..you know I really preffer to be with a man that can make me look bland. This guy is so humble and down to earth it is ridiculous. Never have I met somebody so damn hot and so unaffected. He is college educated and goal orientated and I am proud of all that he has accomplished. Im proud to know somebody like him and I am so glad that we are still friends. Yet there have been these feelings…

So on Saturday night he drove me back to Brooklyn from partying in Manhattan at around 4am. We took the Manhattan Bridge into Brooklyn and as we were driving over that bridge I realized…like fully realized that it was never going to happen. I somehow either missed my opportunity (years ago) or plain and simple he just never saw me as dating material. Just sex and friendship. And you know what..I was perfectly fine with it. I love this man for being who he is…not because of some “feeling” I get around him. I can so breathe easier around him now and I don’t have to worry about what I look like or how crazy I shouldn’t act because he never judged me in that kind of way. Don’t get me wrong! He is not without fault…cuz I can list quite a few! But why list them?

In the middle of that warm breeze thru the car window on a bridge overlooking Manhattan, I managed to let go of “that” love to gain a better understanding of our friendship and embrace a new love.

Thank you Italy.

Happily Unhappy

This was a very long day and it really sucked towards the end. I don't feel like listing all of the things that sucked about today but trust and beleive from the moment I woke up I knew this was going to be a battle of a day. I learned some lessons today that I will carry with me for quite some time. But let us get to the point of this blog.

As shitty as this day was and as dissapointed as I was about everything...I got something great out of it. I realized that I was unhappy about what went on during the day and it had nothing to do with my ex or being lonely. None of it. I think I just don't give a fuck anymore and honestly I could care less of him as a person. I still love him but how could I not? He was my everything for pretty much the last 3 years of my life..but its done, I know he is a nasty person now and Im good. Finally. So my emotions are mine again. So yes...I am finally happily unhappy.


Thank you.

Insert Sad/Aggravated Face

So I missed my Rihanna concert. I had bought tix to go see her back in June. I was really feeling SOS around that time and saw that her tix were cheap so I bought 2 and figured I would bring my ex because we have seen a few concerts together and were going to see Mariah Carey and Sean Paul later this month anyways. Also I was still stupid in love with him so Im sure somewhere in my brain I thought it would make things “better.” Whatever that means. I had told my boss last week that I wanted to leave early on the 8^th so I can go to this concert. He said it was fine as long as I came in early to make up for the time I would be losing. I woke up late, thru some clothes in my puma bag and got to work on time (for a change). So I was a little down that I couldn’t leave early. I asked a 2 coworkers of mine if they wanted to go and they said no…so I was about to ask somebody (attractive!) I just met. I had told him the night before I might ask him to go and he said he would.

Any-fucking-hoo, joke was on me. I called ticket master so they could email me my tix again and they told me I missed it. The concert was on the 3^rd. =( On top of that I saw that Gnarls Barkley is going to be performing this Friday and tix were already sold out! Devasting. I have blasted that CD for quite sometime. Some of those songs are spiritual to me..and here I am…no Rihanna, no boyfriend and no Crazy Gnarls Barkley.

And this work day sux.

How bout that??

Next

I miss being a boyfriend and I want to be one again. I can say that I am over with the idea of seeing my ex and rekindling "moments." When I say that I don't mean that I don't want to try it again in the future. It means that I am not playing myself anymore by entertaining his sexual advances nor am I going to throw myself at him like I have so many many many times. I honestly miss being there for somebody and I am ready to try and be a good man again.

Not looking for a huge production of a relationship and you know what...Im not even looking for a relationship. Its too soon..I think. I just want to meet somebody and feel nice. You know that tingly feeling you get when you first meet somebody? I want that...I want to give that to somebody. I want to cook for somebody and take them out to a different restaurant once a week. I want to slow dance in my room and have it lead to kissing and end up in my bed.

Somebody out there is very familiar with that last line.

I Guess.

So it has been awhile since I have last posted. A lot has gone on of course because this is a very important time of transitioning for me. The thought of writing it all is exhausting and Im just not going to because the moment has past and I just don't give a fuck.

I am good.

Weekend Blog (finally)

As you can see this was quite the weekend. I had a great time just hanging out, partying and laughing all weekend. Lets see…Thursday night was Embassy. We (my best friend and I) had straightened my hair. It was tall and out of control but we forgot to add products so I sweat my hair back to semi curls after dancing thru a few songs. I was sporting some sort of Elvis Mohawk…it was very cha cha looking but it worked. Anyhoo we got to the club a little before 1am and its Boston so we had about an hour left.

My ex was there with his boyfriend from NYC so that was a bit weird but it was whatever. What can I do? He has moved on and I so have I …to an extent. At least I have sexually. I made my way to my ex and said hello and we gave each other a kiss on the cheek. After that I stood there for a sec..with his new BF just looking at me. Not sure if it was a bad look or just a look. I tried not to make eye contact because of course it was weird for me. Clearly it was an awkward moment for the ex, and I totally understand. But I guess that’s not my problem.

(on a side note: My ex and his BF have been involved pretty much right after we broke up. Since then we have kissed, held hands, laid in my bed and even had oral sex within the last few weeks. Two weeks ago he stopped me in the club to tell me he misses me and that his first thought in the morning is me and that his last thought at night is me and that he wished he never would have moved out. I felt kinda dirty seeing his new BF face to face. Im not a cheater...but I felt like one.)

Either way I had a great time and I danced my ass off. Im starting to get my skills back and I am happy about that. My year of being depressed (2005)for no reason has been long gone so there is no reason for me to be shy about dancing anymore. I still get stiff sometimes and every now and then I get off beat…but I just keep going cuz practice makes perfect. Even though I am still having the same image problems as before, my self esteem is at a high right now. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. So that was Thursday.

Friday I got up early and got an HIV test. I kinda had an incident back in March and I was a bit worried about it. It was so low risk that when I told the man who tested me he giggled. Im not gonna say what it was lol. Just know that I am super safe and that is why to this day I am still Negative. I now owe my friend (so adorable) Miguel a date because I told him if I came out negative we would “celebrate.” Friday night we all went out dancing and drinking again. I now have a piece of glass lodged into my left palm because I cracked a 40 bottle of liquor open. It was fun swinging it around until the blood came. lol No more on that!!! I have decided to cut back on the drinking because if I keep drinking Im going to develop an addiction. For real.

Saturday I don’t remember. It was a long day and I think I slept a lot. I know on Saturday night we tore that damn club up! Once again I found a box to claim for the evening and I met somebody there from..guess where? New York. He told me him and his friend watched me dance and that they loved the way I move. I told him his friend was cute and we have kinda made plans to all go out this Friday when I get to NY. I just want to say that I love you Johnny and Patrice!! We need to kick it more...even if its outside of the partying.

Sunday I didn’t do shit. Just some very light grocery shopping to get thru the week before I depart for NY again. After this NYC trip I am going to try my BEST to stay away until late August. I need to not go out as much and focus on me. And I need to save up my money so I can move. Plus it costs a lot to look this cheap. lol

Stephanie, thank you for opening your doors to me and my closest friends. I might be quiet or moody looking or just plain weird..but I really pay attention and really appreciate everything.


Mikey

Good Times with Good People

Pic Archive.

http://redreportpics.blogspot.com/

This is where I archive the personal pics I have on my blog. All of the pics I use end up here.
For future reference you can always find this link when you click on my "About Me" pic.

Enjoy.

Waiting

Im just going to wait. Not sit around and wait...but wait for other "people" to show me what they want. Im not chasing anybody or anything anymore. Its not flattering and quite frankly its very tiring. If you want me....Im yours. Just like that. Play your cards right and do right by me. Im complex only because I like everything to make sense. I like to keep shit simple but people love to play games...therefore I am percieved to be complex. Trust me...its true.

Im so ready to love again.....

Me...Torn?

Ok. Lets get straight to the point here. I hung out with somebody I used to really be into. Like..really really be into(we'll call him Italy). For reasons I dont feel like typing, we just couldn't be together. It just wasn't happening. I let go a long time ago and of course I was with "him" for the last few years so I really wasnt thinking about anybody. However I will say that whenever me and Italy would speak or hang out I would always get this rush. Its hard to explain...but its a very anxious feeling.

We hung out for a few hours and all we did was just talk and watch music videos. Damn. I realize now why I like him so much and I guess I have never gotten completely over him. The ending (if there ever was one) was blank. Nothing happened. We just stopped. See. Look at me. I can;t even get my sentences together. He is from NY (lord where else?) and was just visiting. He wants to hang out when I get there so I guess I'll be calling him.

Before he left there was this very awkward moment where it looked like he was about to lean in and kiss me...but I backed up and he paused for a sec and then backed up himself. At least that is what it felt like....I could have just made it up. lol No...Im not. Im just trying to not get caught up. I figure its just not worth it at this point to start something up with him. Its the type of thing where I would want a lot out of it and I just can't give myself up like that right now. ::sigh:::

Well..in 2 weeks I'll be in NY and we'll see what happens then.

Allergies.

Why am I always unprepared for Allergies every year?? I spent about 23 years without them...so why in the hell are they all in my shit now? lol


Sux.

Floor Pics

I Have one more, but its a bit much. ::blushing::

With Time

To never give up
To never stop
And to always be honest
Im running this long road
To hopefully get to your heart
Please tell me you’re true
Tell me no lies
I have never been so sure
Never have I desired
The way I do now
Respect me
I know no logic
I can be taken advantage of
Run with me
Run far and fast past
All of the unsure feelings
That can take over our minds
Forget with me
Leave all of those unflattering moments
In the dust embrace my love
And enjoy my sincerity
I tell you no lies
Because I want you to see me for what I am
Still…

Can We?

No fires here
Just my slow burning
smoldering lust for you
I dream about your body
and it wets my mouth
Your smooth skin compliments
The hair on my face
And I long for the day
That I can show you
What I am about
Throw it out the window baby
I love it all
Don't be shy
I really am that kind of guy
Tell me your fantasy
Even if its been done
Lets do it again
Make it better then the last

Temperature around me is irrelevant
Because Im always hot for you
Let me hold your hand when we kiss
Because its more then you think
Show me your favorite position
I don't even have to touch you
Just let me watch...

Random Poem (unfinished)

I understand why you run from me
What I gave wasn’t enough
Although I tried to make it better
I ended up getting in the way
I dream about you and all of your
Angelic qualities everyday
Its out of my hands now
You are gone and I no longer cry
Because there is no use
But didn’t I try?

Time heals wounds
But it doesn’t take away the memories
We will move on but a part of us
Still remains within you and I
Just like a movie

I love you and I try not to question
What you brought into my life
It is obvious that
You touched my soul
Because I still want you to be
My “wife”

Explanation

This is off the top of my head shit while I was at work. I still get these random...umm..i dont know..moments? Yeah..moments of emotions. But i write them out of my system and its back to me. For those of you who actually keep up with me..scary...please know that its not all like that! lol This is my guilt..but not the whole truth of the matter. Im a good man..i promise.

NYC Pride.

I should have stayed home. But at least I got good sex again.

For My Pleasure.

So as I came out of work I walked by a man playing some sort of Hackie Sack game and he takes a double take at me and blurts out "Nice Do!" He was referring to my hair. He then says, "Why did you get it done that way?" I answered with "For my pleasure." His face was priceless..mouth all open...lol. Thanx.

Reminder
So I have been blessing this blog with many pics this month because I have so much to say that I have been dreading all of the typing I have to do here. So me posting pics reminds how I have been living this month. Just a reminder to everybody who reads my blog..I write here for myself. I periodically go back and read my entrees so I can see how I have progressed. Or how I have fallen behind.

Sex
I have had a lot of sex in the last week. I actually haven't told anybody about all of the sex I have been getting. Even a threesome (is that a real word?). It has all been protected and I am still stingy with kissing and oral sex (my mouth is for eating thank you) because I am very picky with where my mouth goes. Sex isn't the same right now. I am of course still crazy in love with my ex so I m sure that has something to do with it. However there is one person that I did kiss and kiss a lot. I pretty much thru my oral stinginess out of the window for this one. No, I am not interested in dating him...but you cannot deny sexual chemistry (I think thats what it is...LOL).

Dating
Nope.

Still...
I am still very sad. I hold it in well and I do not let it consume me to the point where I can no longer sleep (like Feb thru may). I am having a good time right now. It is a complete 180 for me right now. I go out all the time, I meet new people all the time and I drink now. However I am going to make an effort to stop partying as much because a lot of it is to get away from the pain that I carry. I am a man broken and I sometimes forget how hurt I still am. All it takes is one song....one moment or one picture to set me back for a few hours. All of this hurt all of this regret and sorrow convinces me that I am able to love big. This is a horrible time in my life...but this horribleness has shown me I am capable of giving myself to somebody with all of my heart. I am very grateful. I refuse to let go. I am sure some people think I am having a hard time letting go...but Im not. I have made a conscious decision to hold onto what my heart finds to be true. I feel like I am meant to be with "him." I could be totally wrong and if I am then I will just be a better man for somebody else. However until I am proven wrong this is how I am going to be. Am I going to not date or stop that part of my life? No. Not at all. I am going to continue to do what I have to do until I either win him back...or until it is obvious that I can't. You can't just shake off my love. Its unconditional and I just don't give up that easily.

Future
I need to make some changes in my life. Again..all of the partying (which I love!) is just going to hurt me in the long run. I need to focus and get my money right. Not just that but I am incredibly skinny right now. This is the skiniiest I have been since I was a teenager. So I plan to party less and eat more and hit the gym like 4 times a week. I have done this before so I know I can do this again. My trips to NY have to be more spaced out because it is really hurting my funds. I am trying to move to NY so I have been trying to soak in as much of the city as possible. I have grown to love that place for what it is. Crazy like me.

More....

NY Moments and People

Finally

No regrets.

Still

Still lost
Still sad
Still hopefull
Still in love
Still obsessed
Still incomplete
Still a mess
Still crying
Still making it thru.....

Sexness Ramble

I haven't had sex in months. The last person I had sex with is my ex and I have been too picky to fuck with anybody else. Our sex was off the chains (not ALL the time..but u know..) and Im not desperate enough to settle for less. Lately tho the ex and I have had some physical run ins that have been pretty nice. One in particular (thursday) was...umm....well u know what..lets just say there was 2 "endings" involved. I feel tacky right now but whatever. This is what happens when a man is deprived of sex for 3 months.

What sux about messing with the ex is that he is into somebody else at the moment (tho he says its not serious) and well..thats not a good feeling. I don't want to be a part of any cheating equation but I guess its too late if thats the case.

On a random note....Im still single and Im so ready to date. lol

Hotel Photos

It's true what they say about hotel's...














Forever.


The view...

Yes.

June 2nd, 2006.

Alive In NYC

I haven't slept much and I am sure I have lost some weight but dammit, I am having a great time. I have been doing it all and some of it on my own. I have many pictures that I wil post up on Wednesday. Expect to see dancing queens, pics at the notorious pier, me drinking, train pics and hopefully some beach pics. Also I have decided to hopefully cut my hair before I leave. It is time. After going to so many clubs and bars (4 in the last 2 days) I can really see how men preffer men with short hair. Anyhoo, I have A LOT to say and I will save it for when I get home andhave digested my trip.

I would like to thank you NY folk who always "can't wait" till I get there, who stood me up. Maybe you'll understand why I will not call on you the next time I go to NY. Nonetheless I am doing my thing and having a good time.

When I post expect to see those pics I mentioned plus my thoughts on where I feel I belong in the club circuit. lol TTYL


Mikey

Eye Candy.

It's been a long time....lol

Hello There.

So I am getting myself ready for this trip to NY and I cannot wait to do the damn thing. I need this trip. It is going to be 5 days away from Boston and trust me I need it. Here is a very recent pic of me. The hair isnt gone, it's in the hat.

Acceptance.

It has been raining for days and Im sure you might have heard about the terrible floods we have been having. Along with flooded basements and lost days, I somehow managed to slip into a sudden sadness. The sadness I beleive is apart of my acceptance. The acceptance that no matter how hard I love this man, I can't make him love me back. Never was there an intention to rekindle anything but I have carried this huge desire to be a friend to somebody who I shared my life with for the past few years. As I type this, I am still a little down but I hate to be the person that I have become. Weak with hope.

At around 6:50pm today I noticed this beautiful bright light come thru the window as I mopped the bathroom. It was the sun. The sun finally shined and I felt so inspired. I don't want to be like this anymore and I cannot stress that enough. I have seen the worst of me and I have done things that embarass me to no end. But I understand it is part of the process of getting over what I have been put thru (by myself and by "you").

I will give myself some credit because for every few steps I have taken..I have maybe taken one step back when caught off gaurd. I may not be ready to love again, but I will because thru this relationship I saw what unconditional love looks like...and I would do it over again...even if its with somebody else.

Needy

Im very needy right now. Guys are coming out of the woodwork right now and they all want to hear what I have to say about being sad. Its like a turn on to them...and Im enjoying it too!! LOL I will finish this later...Im on the phone with one now. I like this one tho...awww!!!

If you read this...you have made the last few days for me much easier. Thank you!

Mikey

RIP Travis

Travis was a person who took all the wrong paths in life and paid for it in the end. Him and I started off on the wrong foot but we eventually made peace. He was a person who didn't take anybody's shit and I admired him for that. Sadly enough I think I have more negative things to say about him then good. So Im going to keep this short and say that Travis was like all of us. He was beautifully human and he deserved the best in life. I love you Travis and I thank you from the bottom of my heart because you challenged me.

You showed me that I can forgive.

Comes Around For You Too

I know you read this or you have and will again. Make sense? And no..this is not for "him" (Ex="him.") This is for somebody (else) who has judged me. You should read thru my blogs very carefully because there is a lot that is left out. Don't try to read between the lines either because you will never get it right unless you ask (and of course you won't). You want to be indirect? Here is my turn.



Enjoy.

Movie Night

So I spent the evening watching movies with a new friend of mine. We watched and international movie (subtitled!!!!!!!!!!!!) Beautiful Boxer and some of Best ofShow. I was too tired to finish the second movie because it was (and still is) late. We spoke a lot and like everybody else he "has a friend" that would be "perfect" for me. Im about to give in and start meeting these people because I need to "release some tension."

One thing that stood out about this evening is that he told me about a man he use to date 4 years ago that still has not let go. Can you beleive that shit?? He was talking about how pathetic this guy is for still having those feelings and talking about how he has to move on and get a life. So of course I get nervous and start to wonder if my Ex will be thinking like that in a few years. I have this fantasy (lol..i know) that one day we'll be able to do this again the right way and that I will be able to be the man that he needed me to be. Though in reality in order for me to be "that" man he would have to be "that" man too. I didn't fuck up the relationship on my own.

Anyhoo thanx to that conversation I will deffinitely pay attention to my obsesive tendencies to "hold on." Its so late...why am I even talking about this? I need an NY date. Lets talk about that. Do you know anybody??

For Old Time's Sake

Everyday Of The Week.

I miss you on Mondays because you always made the first day easy to swallow

I miss you on Tuesdays because you reminded me that it was half way done tomorow

I miss you on Wednesdays because 3 days into the week you still had dinner on the table

I miss you on Thursdays because you were just as tired as me but were always willing and able

I miss you on Fridays because you loved me just as much as you did on the first day

I miss you on Saturdays because you would so willingly serenade me with breakfast and sometimes a "lay"

I miss you on sunday..because i know that you are no longer here for monday.

Open

I have been very introverted in the last year or so and I am finally ready to get out of "myself." I am now willing to stay out late on a work (not all the time) night and I am now willing to meet new people (For friendsips/acquaintances!!) AND I am willing to take myself out of my comfort zone so that I can get better. PS I am using a laptop with very unfriendly keys, so this blog is going to be short...kinda like my previous "drunken" post.

So to wrap it up.... This is the begining of my rebirth.


Watch.


Mike

OMG

So yeah...Im not as spber as I normally am when I type here. I am having second thoughts about my long hair. I miss my short hair. I think it brings more attention to me....long hair screams pretty. On me..pretty is too pretty. yup. So yeah...I was told that my hair is pretty but won;t get me "laid." Im not sure if I want to be laid..but I would like to be attractive to pepole. Wow..I butchered that spelling...whatever.

Anyhoo..im feeling extra lonely and blurry right now...come lay with me. ::wink wink::


PS...this post may not be here when I re-read it after I wake up.

You lov eit tho/

Behind Me

"well then you have been dealt your karma and now you can put it behind you and move on to better yourself"

Thank you Jason.

That quote took a load off my shoulders and has changed my way of thinking.

Its Me Again

Well kinda sorta. I havent posted in awhile because I have had nothing new to say. Same ol heart break bullshit I would rather keep to myself for now. Other then that I have been shopping like nobodys business. Now don;t get me wrong..I donthave lot of shit. Just more then I usually do. Which is never. I have been taking some pics because with all of this drama going on I just realized I have a lot of hair. Here are some pics so that you can see that even though I feel like shit on the inside lately..I have been hiding it with hats, glasses and hair.


I look very suspect in this pic.


You see that fucking hair? Who is this guy?

I Know Too Much

Its not the best feeling when you know "he" is missing someone else's kiss.

In My Bed

So I went out again last night and got drunk...again. I asked a friend who I flirt with a lot to come home with me and he did. When we got to my room I made sure that he didnt lay in the section my Ex had slept in for the past 2 years. I had absolutely no intention to have sex or to even be sexual. I just wanted somebody I trust to lay next to me so that I could feel that safe feeling I have missed every single night since the begining of February.

It didn't work. It was harder for me to sleep knowing another man was sharing the same bed and sheets that me and "him" had not only shared but picked out. Im so glad I was drunk because as fast as my mind was racing, my body was shot and I had no choice but to knock out. When I woke up my friend's arm was around me and I felt so violated. Even my dog Nina was acting crazy. NOBODY has slept in my bed but "him" and she has spent most of her life with "us" on that same bed. She was runing around and barking and crying at the door. It was unreal.

I have to move. I cannot live in this apartment anymore. It is too painful to come home and be alone and then have to get up and go to work again. Correction..to come home and feel lonely. I am willing to pay more to live somewhere else and have some sanity then to live in this sadness. We painted all of the walls and even sanded and stained floors. "We" are all over this apartment and I don't think I can move on with all of these remnants of joy and disaster in my face. The worse part is that I might not be able to take Nina with me.

I need new sheets.

NY On A Whim

Where to begin. Lets begin with last weekend shall we? I decided on the whim to go to NY for the weekend because one of my NY friends wanted to hook me up with one of his friends. Lets call this friends friend Dell. Anyhoo, my NY friend took a pic of Dell with his sidekick and emailed it to me and had me send my pics to his sidekick so that Dell could see me. All parties seemed to be satisfied and we exchanged numbers.

This was on the evening Tuesday the 11th. We briefly spoke on Tuesday and spoke off and on all day Wednesday and Thursday, which provoked me to go to NY on Friday. Since I get out of work late on Friday's I literally got there at 1am (which would then make it Saturday) and as soon as I got off the buss I met up with one of my best friends and we hit it to a bar called G. I think that's what it was called. After that we went to Cafeteria, ate breakfast and finally by 4:30ish I was headed to a place where I could put my bag down and sleep.

Even though it was Saturday morning when I fell asleep..it was technically the end of my Friday. SO...on Saturday I met up with all types of people. My friends, my friends friends, my sister, my sisters friends..I mean it was like I was on tour. Me and my best friend were really beating the streets. We ate at Caffecito in the Lower East Side and that shit was so fucking good. Cuban food at its finest! For real. So yeah...Saturday evening I finally met up with Dell. And that's pretty much the end of that story because we were totally not into each other and we haven't spoken since. LOL

He was adorable in person but so not my type. And I wasn't his either. We are just 2 people who got out of LTR's that jumped at the chance of having our minds being elsewhere. It worked for those 3 days we spoke. So it wasn't a waste. I got my mind off of my current situation for a few days and had a great time in NY for the weekend. PS..I am totally leaving out the "black" party in Harlem we went to...nothing but judgment. That's all I am going to say. lol

Thank You.

After receiving some concerned emails, I want to put it out there that I am not unhappy with my life. I am actually doing pretty good right now and I am making moves to better myself at work and I am being more social. I have been antisocial for the past year so it is a big change for me. Im not at home as often and I am actually grooming and shopping again. I am sad because I lost a very important part of my life. I lost "him." But the world doesnt stop for heart break...so the show must go on. Tears or not.

That is only in one aspect of "me." It is very consuming..but it is what it is and I know how to draw a line when it comes to other parts of my life. You have to.

Blurry lines suck man.

Weekend Wrap Up (revised)

I had one of these (blog post) up Sunday night but it was too discriptive. So here I am summing it up I guess. This weekend was an attempt at taking my mind off of what I have been going thru lately. It worked at times and at other times I was just a complete mess. I have so many unresolved feelings. That is what it is. There is just so much left over inside of me that I can;t get out so it just runs down my face.

Despite it all...I find myself loving him so much that it blindes me. It has even affected my performance at work. I go to work late everyday because I get lost in thought. O my...this is supposed to be a sum up. See...Im consumed.

So yeah...I had an ok weekend. Met up with different friends to get my mind of everything and did some shopping. I even got a line up! I have been looking Fidel Castro lately. Anybody who has seen me walking around with my hair coming out of my hat with my tacky beard knows what I am talking about. Bleh. Im going to phase myself out from using my PC as much. It just adds to my confusion. There is too much to see.

I might not have a blog for a few days because I need a break from spilling all of my misery onto everybody. Thank you so much to those who have read my blogs and have given me advice or any feedback. I appreciate it.

Here's to getting back to blogs filled with attitude and me.

Rebound For Us

So Friday night was very wild for me. I was in the presence of some great coworkers, friends and onlooking strangers at Club Cafe. Music was very gay and the drinks were free (for me) all night. I know what you're thinking...and it doesn't sound wild, but I am leaving a lot out. For starters my Ex had gone off to NY to have a weekend date with some guy he has been sending naked pics (that I took of him) to. Classy. How do I know this? Because I picked up his traits of sneakiness and insecurity. He use to go thru all of my emails and would look over my shoulder all the time. So I had the habbit of checking his emails (sneaky) even after we broke up (there goes that insecure shit).

He knows that I found out but would refuse to tell me who he was going to see but I knew the whole time. I know it is none of my business anyways but we had this agreement that we would spend weekends together so that we can try and work out the issues in our relationship ...but he made these plans and was not going to tell me about it. When I confronted him about his "date weekend" he admitted that he would not have told me he was going away nor would he have picked up his phone if I called.

Why am I mentioning all of this? Because he emailed me on Friday (the day he was leaving to go on his date) saying "I hope you're having a good day." It was a nice gesture but was bittersweet to me. You're going to wish me a good day before you see another man who has been enjoying the pics I took of you when we were being intimate? Im sure he will try (or has) to re-enact the moments we shared while I took those pics with his new date. Again....classy. I cordially replied to his email, thanked him and gave him a good day wish as well.

Well...onto the wild part of my Friday. im just going to sum it up because i really don't want to get in trouble if the wrong person reads this. Here goes: I flirted with many people, kissed a very cute boy (who I am interested in) and was felt up and "kissed" on by a person from my job...not just any person...but a superior. Nuff said! lol

If you want details email me.....

Mike is on his way.....

Nothing Worse

There is nothing worse then being sick and alone at the same time. I think I cried myself into a sore throat! lol That is so sick....no pun intended. I have been having a lot of problems with my throat these past few months. Sucks...no time to make an appointment before my damn health care runs out. Divorce sucks.

Smile.

For Him And For My Sanity.

Human nature is making me feel like I acted too fast and that maybe I should have waited for my feelings to cool down before I said the things that I said to him. But it's too late and it is so done that nothing I say or do will correct the damage that I did. Am I regretful? Somewhat. But I said what I felt and I didn't lie about anything. I had no other choice. I was backed against a wall. Would I take back what I did? No.

What I did was what needed to happen. Was I a little distasteful? Yes. Actually I was very crazy acting..but a man can only take so much. I still love him very much and I will love him forever. It is an unexplainable feeling that only people who have been thru this kind of situation would understand. This is proof that love is blind and that we can fall in love with people we are not compatible with. There will always be a spot in my heart for him because he was my first real love.

I used the word "hate" because when you love somebody the way that I love him... only to have them hurt you over and over again with the same action can evoke a reverse reaction. That "hate" came from all of the passion that seemed to burn my chest and throat. I don't hate him. I might have for that moment but I couldn't think straight. I went as far as to try to make him hate me too because guilt almost had me turn around and hug him.

Like yesterday my throat is burdened but this time it is with fear not passion. The fear that mistakes have been made on my behalf that maybe I have been too ignorant to see. But again that is human nature. I now understand why some people commit suicide after break ups. Sometimes the pain is just so numbing that you just don't realize that life can go on. I am not suicidal. I just understand it now...because things would be so much easier if they were to stop. No more hurt, no more games or moments so filled with confusion that you lash out only to feel like a maniac afterwards. None of that. It would be nice. But I am a fighter so there is no easy way out for me.

He may never read this because he has no reason to. What is done is done and I seem to have the bad habbit of never shutting up. Especially now because of how overly emotional and fragile I am. I always thought that when a man really loves someone he would fight to keep that love. I still beleive that. I fought with all I had..but there was no battle. I fought alone..and here I am...alone.

The salt of my tears leave streams of sadness and regret all over my face. The hurt will lessen but the memory will never leave me. The feeling of loss will also lessen but yes..they will be there. The rings that I was planning to buy by the end of the year will never be bought and that special day will never come(it was supposed to be "spontaneous"). Dramatic..I know..but all of it true.

I love you Daland, and despite everything we put each other thru I hope that you fall in love again.

Still,
Mikey

When Love Included Respect

There was a time when I had love and respect. I think I have love...but I know for sure there is no respect in my "relationship" with him. Breaking up doesn't mean you stop respecting each other. The worse part about this is that I am weak right now. I am falling for everything. Every excuse I am given I accept. I even have let many things slide. I have been here before. I am going to end up hating him.

Remember when love was innocent? I found these pics while going thru some old CD's and I must say they are the reason I cannot sleep tonight. I miss the boy in those pics....he is long gone now. I keep looking back to see what I did wrong. I can't see anything and it kills me..because I am not perfect but I just don't think I deserve this. My tears are relentless. This is a person I thought I would marry. Yes...marriage was on my mind. I replay our entire relationship in my brain over and over again because its all I have left. That is all I have.

Some Skinny Pics

As of today...







Yes, it was very early.

Thoughts While At Work

I typed this out at work.

I gotta think about getting better everyday. I have to be a better person. I am not where I want to be and I am not with whom I want to be with. Although I shouldn't be “with” anybody. I have nothing to offer right now. I believe in order to have a good relationship both parties have to have an equal amount of “stuff” to bring to each other. “Stuff” being everything that you have: Life experience, self worth/happiness and definitely money stability. Money can really hurt a relationship. Its beyond the materialism of money. It's the fact that you NEED money to live. You can be as optimistic as you like but the fact of the matter is if you live here in the US you better have some damn money to get by. Whether you work for it, get it for free or hustle…money is getting you by.

But yeah..there goes my money rant. I am 27 years old working at a job. A decent job that I like that can turn into a career..but not “the” job I should have. I think Im going to start hustling soon. Im gonna start getting into designing again and mix it up with my photography skills and do that on the side. Im also going to learn how to drive soon and try to take some kind of real-estate class so I can sell property. Can you imagine me selling houses? LOL Makes me laugh too! But yeah..Im good with people and it would be something nice to try.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately because I have been trying to find that internal switch to set off that makes me realize what I am supposed to do to get out of this rut. Im telling you man, your worst enemy is yourself. What people say doesn't matter at the end of the day. What we say to ourselves counts the most. We shouldn't believe other people..we should believe ourselves. I know..so much easier said then done. But it seems so true.

All these thoughts have come about these past few weeks because I am in search of emotional sanity. That sounds so much deeper then what it is! Lol I am technically doing fine. I am healthy I have a home and I have a pretty decent job and I still have my Nina. I just know that I can be a much better person and I am having a hard time trying to choose the right paths. Im getting there tho…..

Loud Pause

I just had a good workout and I feel great. My body is tight right now and I have just begun getting in shape. On my way out of the gym I was cruised by a very handsome gentleman. And as usual I looked like shit. Why do people feel its better to talk to me when Im unshaved and poorly dressed? It felt nice..but it made me realize that if I want to..I can really get to know him and go out on a date. Because I can. That made my stomach turn. I don't want to date.

Everything is just at this stand still man. So as I walked home feeling confused I had to sit down and compose this blog....

I hate being this way...feels like everything is so blurry now. It is true that I brought my own happiness to our relationship. I didn't need yours nor do I need it now but dammit I miss having you here. The hard part about not being with you is that I don't want to get over you. I don;t want to get you out of my life nor do I want to move on. I'm not "waiting" for that day when I cannot think about you. I don;t want to stop thinking about you.

I am not a cryer. I don't cave in to tears..not because I frown upon crying but because I think I cried enough growing up that I have very few tears left. Tonight I cried (damn James Blunt!{Goodbye My Lover}).

I am not sad. I am human and I am having some problems adjusting but I will be fine and I will learn some lessons. Everytime I think I have learned "the" lesson I learn another. So many lessons will come out of this. I know some of you are concerned (whether you tell me or not) but all is well. Well..not totally..obviously. But Im still Mikey.

Strippers, Non-Shopping and Self.

It has been a few weeks since I have posted..or at least 2..I dont know its really late dammit. I have had so much to blog about in the last few weeks but have not had the time to do so. I have to be in a certain mood to type whats going on in my brain. Its a lot. Its like a paint ball fight. Really. Lets see..At the beginning of the month I went to a strip club for my friends B-Day. It was a first for me. Well..first time being at a straight strip club. The women were very nice and they had great gaydar...yes..they were all over me.

In between the birthday girl screaming "Im a lesbian now!! wooo hooo!!!" and all of the perverted men in the audience, I realized I was having a great time. Strippers are awsome!!! I got the chance to chill with Andi Sue from Penthouse. She is officially (according to Penthouse..not me.) the sexiest Penthouse Pet ever. She took my glasses and rubbed in on her pussy...and put them back on my face. Im not gonna lie...my glasses smelled great afterwards...lol. She was very sweet and had a really small pussy...like unused. I think she gets off on being nekkid but doesnt have sex much. Then again what do I know? Im a fag.

On to other shit. I went thru a small phase of being broke last year and since then I have been a total fucking scrooge with my money. I finally have a little (very little) money to spend and yet I cant bring myself to buy anything new for myself. Ok...I got a pair of really nice Coach sneakers..but thats it. And they were cheap. PS I havent had new footwear since last summer. My clothes suck right about now...but I cant bring myself to buy anything new. Im afraid Im gonna get into fashion again and then lose my job and then I'll be that boy who has nice clothes but no home. Who wants that? I really have to work on not punishing myself. Money comes and goes....

On to more shit. Are you keeping up? Ok. Im still single. Im still not hapy about it. I have been going thru those tacky gay sites where u can meet people and possibly "hook up." I can't keep up with it. It's so wierd. I just can't get turned on anymore. I crave for one person only and I find that to be pointless right now. Yes I am talking about the X. Man I love him...but he treats me like shit now. Yes. We soeak often and exchange our love for each other almost daily...but there is still this HUGE gap in our communication. As usual he chooses to be blind except now that we are no longer official he REALLY drops the ball on A LOT of shit. Ever have that flakey friend who likes to make plans and then they don;t come thru? Thats him. ALL the time.

I figure he is just tired of me and doesn't know it yet..or he doesn't know how to communicate it to me. Either way it's chipping away at me and pretty soon I'll be in "I don't give a fuck mode." Which sux..cuz once I get there it's a done deal. I will not let "love" turn me into a fool again.

Whew!!!!

Vintage.

I was cleaning out my closet and came across a lot of shit I had forgotten about. I had no Idea I had written as much as I did. I must have over 100 pieces of poems and rants stacked in between 3 notebooks. Along with that were pictures that I thought I lost. That and my old clothes ranging from thug to raver. I miss my thug days but I cant do big clothes anymore. I have really changed throughout the years...I mean..lol..if you could read some of the shit I wrote! I was writing like a ghetto kid. Maybe I was...I dunno..maybe I still am..or not. Anyhoo..it was a blast going thru all of it. Here is a little something from a photo shoot I had when I was 21.


I wish I had the other photo's from that session. This guy and I got really fresh with each other and he was supposed to be "straight." He even had a girlfriend at the time. If you see him...tell him to holla!!! lol j/k