Hotel Photos

It's true what they say about hotel's...














Forever.


The view...

Yes.

June 2nd, 2006.

Alive In NYC

I haven't slept much and I am sure I have lost some weight but dammit, I am having a great time. I have been doing it all and some of it on my own. I have many pictures that I wil post up on Wednesday. Expect to see dancing queens, pics at the notorious pier, me drinking, train pics and hopefully some beach pics. Also I have decided to hopefully cut my hair before I leave. It is time. After going to so many clubs and bars (4 in the last 2 days) I can really see how men preffer men with short hair. Anyhoo, I have A LOT to say and I will save it for when I get home andhave digested my trip.

I would like to thank you NY folk who always "can't wait" till I get there, who stood me up. Maybe you'll understand why I will not call on you the next time I go to NY. Nonetheless I am doing my thing and having a good time.

When I post expect to see those pics I mentioned plus my thoughts on where I feel I belong in the club circuit. lol TTYL


Mikey

Eye Candy.

It's been a long time....lol

Hello There.

So I am getting myself ready for this trip to NY and I cannot wait to do the damn thing. I need this trip. It is going to be 5 days away from Boston and trust me I need it. Here is a very recent pic of me. The hair isnt gone, it's in the hat.

Acceptance.

It has been raining for days and Im sure you might have heard about the terrible floods we have been having. Along with flooded basements and lost days, I somehow managed to slip into a sudden sadness. The sadness I beleive is apart of my acceptance. The acceptance that no matter how hard I love this man, I can't make him love me back. Never was there an intention to rekindle anything but I have carried this huge desire to be a friend to somebody who I shared my life with for the past few years. As I type this, I am still a little down but I hate to be the person that I have become. Weak with hope.

At around 6:50pm today I noticed this beautiful bright light come thru the window as I mopped the bathroom. It was the sun. The sun finally shined and I felt so inspired. I don't want to be like this anymore and I cannot stress that enough. I have seen the worst of me and I have done things that embarass me to no end. But I understand it is part of the process of getting over what I have been put thru (by myself and by "you").

I will give myself some credit because for every few steps I have taken..I have maybe taken one step back when caught off gaurd. I may not be ready to love again, but I will because thru this relationship I saw what unconditional love looks like...and I would do it over again...even if its with somebody else.

Needy

Im very needy right now. Guys are coming out of the woodwork right now and they all want to hear what I have to say about being sad. Its like a turn on to them...and Im enjoying it too!! LOL I will finish this later...Im on the phone with one now. I like this one tho...awww!!!

If you read this...you have made the last few days for me much easier. Thank you!

Mikey

RIP Travis

Travis was a person who took all the wrong paths in life and paid for it in the end. Him and I started off on the wrong foot but we eventually made peace. He was a person who didn't take anybody's shit and I admired him for that. Sadly enough I think I have more negative things to say about him then good. So Im going to keep this short and say that Travis was like all of us. He was beautifully human and he deserved the best in life. I love you Travis and I thank you from the bottom of my heart because you challenged me.

You showed me that I can forgive.

Comes Around For You Too

I know you read this or you have and will again. Make sense? And no..this is not for "him" (Ex="him.") This is for somebody (else) who has judged me. You should read thru my blogs very carefully because there is a lot that is left out. Don't try to read between the lines either because you will never get it right unless you ask (and of course you won't). You want to be indirect? Here is my turn.



Enjoy.

Movie Night

So I spent the evening watching movies with a new friend of mine. We watched and international movie (subtitled!!!!!!!!!!!!) Beautiful Boxer and some of Best ofShow. I was too tired to finish the second movie because it was (and still is) late. We spoke a lot and like everybody else he "has a friend" that would be "perfect" for me. Im about to give in and start meeting these people because I need to "release some tension."

One thing that stood out about this evening is that he told me about a man he use to date 4 years ago that still has not let go. Can you beleive that shit?? He was talking about how pathetic this guy is for still having those feelings and talking about how he has to move on and get a life. So of course I get nervous and start to wonder if my Ex will be thinking like that in a few years. I have this fantasy (lol..i know) that one day we'll be able to do this again the right way and that I will be able to be the man that he needed me to be. Though in reality in order for me to be "that" man he would have to be "that" man too. I didn't fuck up the relationship on my own.

Anyhoo thanx to that conversation I will deffinitely pay attention to my obsesive tendencies to "hold on." Its so late...why am I even talking about this? I need an NY date. Lets talk about that. Do you know anybody??

For Old Time's Sake

Everyday Of The Week.

I miss you on Mondays because you always made the first day easy to swallow

I miss you on Tuesdays because you reminded me that it was half way done tomorow

I miss you on Wednesdays because 3 days into the week you still had dinner on the table

I miss you on Thursdays because you were just as tired as me but were always willing and able

I miss you on Fridays because you loved me just as much as you did on the first day

I miss you on Saturdays because you would so willingly serenade me with breakfast and sometimes a "lay"

I miss you on sunday..because i know that you are no longer here for monday.

Open

I have been very introverted in the last year or so and I am finally ready to get out of "myself." I am now willing to stay out late on a work (not all the time) night and I am now willing to meet new people (For friendsips/acquaintances!!) AND I am willing to take myself out of my comfort zone so that I can get better. PS I am using a laptop with very unfriendly keys, so this blog is going to be short...kinda like my previous "drunken" post.

So to wrap it up.... This is the begining of my rebirth.


Watch.


Mike

OMG

So yeah...Im not as spber as I normally am when I type here. I am having second thoughts about my long hair. I miss my short hair. I think it brings more attention to me....long hair screams pretty. On me..pretty is too pretty. yup. So yeah...I was told that my hair is pretty but won;t get me "laid." Im not sure if I want to be laid..but I would like to be attractive to pepole. Wow..I butchered that spelling...whatever.

Anyhoo..im feeling extra lonely and blurry right now...come lay with me. ::wink wink::


PS...this post may not be here when I re-read it after I wake up.

You lov eit tho/

Behind Me

"well then you have been dealt your karma and now you can put it behind you and move on to better yourself"

Thank you Jason.

That quote took a load off my shoulders and has changed my way of thinking.

Its Me Again

Well kinda sorta. I havent posted in awhile because I have had nothing new to say. Same ol heart break bullshit I would rather keep to myself for now. Other then that I have been shopping like nobodys business. Now don;t get me wrong..I donthave lot of shit. Just more then I usually do. Which is never. I have been taking some pics because with all of this drama going on I just realized I have a lot of hair. Here are some pics so that you can see that even though I feel like shit on the inside lately..I have been hiding it with hats, glasses and hair.


I look very suspect in this pic.


You see that fucking hair? Who is this guy?

I Know Too Much

Its not the best feeling when you know "he" is missing someone else's kiss.

In My Bed

So I went out again last night and got drunk...again. I asked a friend who I flirt with a lot to come home with me and he did. When we got to my room I made sure that he didnt lay in the section my Ex had slept in for the past 2 years. I had absolutely no intention to have sex or to even be sexual. I just wanted somebody I trust to lay next to me so that I could feel that safe feeling I have missed every single night since the begining of February.

It didn't work. It was harder for me to sleep knowing another man was sharing the same bed and sheets that me and "him" had not only shared but picked out. Im so glad I was drunk because as fast as my mind was racing, my body was shot and I had no choice but to knock out. When I woke up my friend's arm was around me and I felt so violated. Even my dog Nina was acting crazy. NOBODY has slept in my bed but "him" and she has spent most of her life with "us" on that same bed. She was runing around and barking and crying at the door. It was unreal.

I have to move. I cannot live in this apartment anymore. It is too painful to come home and be alone and then have to get up and go to work again. Correction..to come home and feel lonely. I am willing to pay more to live somewhere else and have some sanity then to live in this sadness. We painted all of the walls and even sanded and stained floors. "We" are all over this apartment and I don't think I can move on with all of these remnants of joy and disaster in my face. The worse part is that I might not be able to take Nina with me.

I need new sheets.

NY On A Whim

Where to begin. Lets begin with last weekend shall we? I decided on the whim to go to NY for the weekend because one of my NY friends wanted to hook me up with one of his friends. Lets call this friends friend Dell. Anyhoo, my NY friend took a pic of Dell with his sidekick and emailed it to me and had me send my pics to his sidekick so that Dell could see me. All parties seemed to be satisfied and we exchanged numbers.

This was on the evening Tuesday the 11th. We briefly spoke on Tuesday and spoke off and on all day Wednesday and Thursday, which provoked me to go to NY on Friday. Since I get out of work late on Friday's I literally got there at 1am (which would then make it Saturday) and as soon as I got off the buss I met up with one of my best friends and we hit it to a bar called G. I think that's what it was called. After that we went to Cafeteria, ate breakfast and finally by 4:30ish I was headed to a place where I could put my bag down and sleep.

Even though it was Saturday morning when I fell asleep..it was technically the end of my Friday. SO...on Saturday I met up with all types of people. My friends, my friends friends, my sister, my sisters friends..I mean it was like I was on tour. Me and my best friend were really beating the streets. We ate at Caffecito in the Lower East Side and that shit was so fucking good. Cuban food at its finest! For real. So yeah...Saturday evening I finally met up with Dell. And that's pretty much the end of that story because we were totally not into each other and we haven't spoken since. LOL

He was adorable in person but so not my type. And I wasn't his either. We are just 2 people who got out of LTR's that jumped at the chance of having our minds being elsewhere. It worked for those 3 days we spoke. So it wasn't a waste. I got my mind off of my current situation for a few days and had a great time in NY for the weekend. PS..I am totally leaving out the "black" party in Harlem we went to...nothing but judgment. That's all I am going to say. lol

Thank You.

After receiving some concerned emails, I want to put it out there that I am not unhappy with my life. I am actually doing pretty good right now and I am making moves to better myself at work and I am being more social. I have been antisocial for the past year so it is a big change for me. Im not at home as often and I am actually grooming and shopping again. I am sad because I lost a very important part of my life. I lost "him." But the world doesnt stop for heart break...so the show must go on. Tears or not.

That is only in one aspect of "me." It is very consuming..but it is what it is and I know how to draw a line when it comes to other parts of my life. You have to.

Blurry lines suck man.

Weekend Wrap Up (revised)

I had one of these (blog post) up Sunday night but it was too discriptive. So here I am summing it up I guess. This weekend was an attempt at taking my mind off of what I have been going thru lately. It worked at times and at other times I was just a complete mess. I have so many unresolved feelings. That is what it is. There is just so much left over inside of me that I can;t get out so it just runs down my face.

Despite it all...I find myself loving him so much that it blindes me. It has even affected my performance at work. I go to work late everyday because I get lost in thought. O my...this is supposed to be a sum up. See...Im consumed.

So yeah...I had an ok weekend. Met up with different friends to get my mind of everything and did some shopping. I even got a line up! I have been looking Fidel Castro lately. Anybody who has seen me walking around with my hair coming out of my hat with my tacky beard knows what I am talking about. Bleh. Im going to phase myself out from using my PC as much. It just adds to my confusion. There is too much to see.

I might not have a blog for a few days because I need a break from spilling all of my misery onto everybody. Thank you so much to those who have read my blogs and have given me advice or any feedback. I appreciate it.

Here's to getting back to blogs filled with attitude and me.

Rebound For Us

So Friday night was very wild for me. I was in the presence of some great coworkers, friends and onlooking strangers at Club Cafe. Music was very gay and the drinks were free (for me) all night. I know what you're thinking...and it doesn't sound wild, but I am leaving a lot out. For starters my Ex had gone off to NY to have a weekend date with some guy he has been sending naked pics (that I took of him) to. Classy. How do I know this? Because I picked up his traits of sneakiness and insecurity. He use to go thru all of my emails and would look over my shoulder all the time. So I had the habbit of checking his emails (sneaky) even after we broke up (there goes that insecure shit).

He knows that I found out but would refuse to tell me who he was going to see but I knew the whole time. I know it is none of my business anyways but we had this agreement that we would spend weekends together so that we can try and work out the issues in our relationship ...but he made these plans and was not going to tell me about it. When I confronted him about his "date weekend" he admitted that he would not have told me he was going away nor would he have picked up his phone if I called.

Why am I mentioning all of this? Because he emailed me on Friday (the day he was leaving to go on his date) saying "I hope you're having a good day." It was a nice gesture but was bittersweet to me. You're going to wish me a good day before you see another man who has been enjoying the pics I took of you when we were being intimate? Im sure he will try (or has) to re-enact the moments we shared while I took those pics with his new date. Again....classy. I cordially replied to his email, thanked him and gave him a good day wish as well.

Well...onto the wild part of my Friday. im just going to sum it up because i really don't want to get in trouble if the wrong person reads this. Here goes: I flirted with many people, kissed a very cute boy (who I am interested in) and was felt up and "kissed" on by a person from my job...not just any person...but a superior. Nuff said! lol

If you want details email me.....

Mike is on his way.....

Nothing Worse

There is nothing worse then being sick and alone at the same time. I think I cried myself into a sore throat! lol That is so sick....no pun intended. I have been having a lot of problems with my throat these past few months. Sucks...no time to make an appointment before my damn health care runs out. Divorce sucks.

Smile.

For Him And For My Sanity.

Human nature is making me feel like I acted too fast and that maybe I should have waited for my feelings to cool down before I said the things that I said to him. But it's too late and it is so done that nothing I say or do will correct the damage that I did. Am I regretful? Somewhat. But I said what I felt and I didn't lie about anything. I had no other choice. I was backed against a wall. Would I take back what I did? No.

What I did was what needed to happen. Was I a little distasteful? Yes. Actually I was very crazy acting..but a man can only take so much. I still love him very much and I will love him forever. It is an unexplainable feeling that only people who have been thru this kind of situation would understand. This is proof that love is blind and that we can fall in love with people we are not compatible with. There will always be a spot in my heart for him because he was my first real love.

I used the word "hate" because when you love somebody the way that I love him... only to have them hurt you over and over again with the same action can evoke a reverse reaction. That "hate" came from all of the passion that seemed to burn my chest and throat. I don't hate him. I might have for that moment but I couldn't think straight. I went as far as to try to make him hate me too because guilt almost had me turn around and hug him.

Like yesterday my throat is burdened but this time it is with fear not passion. The fear that mistakes have been made on my behalf that maybe I have been too ignorant to see. But again that is human nature. I now understand why some people commit suicide after break ups. Sometimes the pain is just so numbing that you just don't realize that life can go on. I am not suicidal. I just understand it now...because things would be so much easier if they were to stop. No more hurt, no more games or moments so filled with confusion that you lash out only to feel like a maniac afterwards. None of that. It would be nice. But I am a fighter so there is no easy way out for me.

He may never read this because he has no reason to. What is done is done and I seem to have the bad habbit of never shutting up. Especially now because of how overly emotional and fragile I am. I always thought that when a man really loves someone he would fight to keep that love. I still beleive that. I fought with all I had..but there was no battle. I fought alone..and here I am...alone.

The salt of my tears leave streams of sadness and regret all over my face. The hurt will lessen but the memory will never leave me. The feeling of loss will also lessen but yes..they will be there. The rings that I was planning to buy by the end of the year will never be bought and that special day will never come(it was supposed to be "spontaneous"). Dramatic..I know..but all of it true.

I love you Daland, and despite everything we put each other thru I hope that you fall in love again.

Still,
Mikey

When Love Included Respect

There was a time when I had love and respect. I think I have love...but I know for sure there is no respect in my "relationship" with him. Breaking up doesn't mean you stop respecting each other. The worse part about this is that I am weak right now. I am falling for everything. Every excuse I am given I accept. I even have let many things slide. I have been here before. I am going to end up hating him.

Remember when love was innocent? I found these pics while going thru some old CD's and I must say they are the reason I cannot sleep tonight. I miss the boy in those pics....he is long gone now. I keep looking back to see what I did wrong. I can't see anything and it kills me..because I am not perfect but I just don't think I deserve this. My tears are relentless. This is a person I thought I would marry. Yes...marriage was on my mind. I replay our entire relationship in my brain over and over again because its all I have left. That is all I have.

Some Skinny Pics

As of today...







Yes, it was very early.

Thoughts While At Work

I typed this out at work.

I gotta think about getting better everyday. I have to be a better person. I am not where I want to be and I am not with whom I want to be with. Although I shouldn't be “with” anybody. I have nothing to offer right now. I believe in order to have a good relationship both parties have to have an equal amount of “stuff” to bring to each other. “Stuff” being everything that you have: Life experience, self worth/happiness and definitely money stability. Money can really hurt a relationship. Its beyond the materialism of money. It's the fact that you NEED money to live. You can be as optimistic as you like but the fact of the matter is if you live here in the US you better have some damn money to get by. Whether you work for it, get it for free or hustle…money is getting you by.

But yeah..there goes my money rant. I am 27 years old working at a job. A decent job that I like that can turn into a career..but not “the” job I should have. I think Im going to start hustling soon. Im gonna start getting into designing again and mix it up with my photography skills and do that on the side. Im also going to learn how to drive soon and try to take some kind of real-estate class so I can sell property. Can you imagine me selling houses? LOL Makes me laugh too! But yeah..Im good with people and it would be something nice to try.

I haven't been getting much sleep lately because I have been trying to find that internal switch to set off that makes me realize what I am supposed to do to get out of this rut. Im telling you man, your worst enemy is yourself. What people say doesn't matter at the end of the day. What we say to ourselves counts the most. We shouldn't believe other people..we should believe ourselves. I know..so much easier said then done. But it seems so true.

All these thoughts have come about these past few weeks because I am in search of emotional sanity. That sounds so much deeper then what it is! Lol I am technically doing fine. I am healthy I have a home and I have a pretty decent job and I still have my Nina. I just know that I can be a much better person and I am having a hard time trying to choose the right paths. Im getting there tho…..

Loud Pause

I just had a good workout and I feel great. My body is tight right now and I have just begun getting in shape. On my way out of the gym I was cruised by a very handsome gentleman. And as usual I looked like shit. Why do people feel its better to talk to me when Im unshaved and poorly dressed? It felt nice..but it made me realize that if I want to..I can really get to know him and go out on a date. Because I can. That made my stomach turn. I don't want to date.

Everything is just at this stand still man. So as I walked home feeling confused I had to sit down and compose this blog....

I hate being this way...feels like everything is so blurry now. It is true that I brought my own happiness to our relationship. I didn't need yours nor do I need it now but dammit I miss having you here. The hard part about not being with you is that I don't want to get over you. I don;t want to get you out of my life nor do I want to move on. I'm not "waiting" for that day when I cannot think about you. I don;t want to stop thinking about you.

I am not a cryer. I don't cave in to tears..not because I frown upon crying but because I think I cried enough growing up that I have very few tears left. Tonight I cried (damn James Blunt!{Goodbye My Lover}).

I am not sad. I am human and I am having some problems adjusting but I will be fine and I will learn some lessons. Everytime I think I have learned "the" lesson I learn another. So many lessons will come out of this. I know some of you are concerned (whether you tell me or not) but all is well. Well..not totally..obviously. But Im still Mikey.

Strippers, Non-Shopping and Self.

It has been a few weeks since I have posted..or at least 2..I dont know its really late dammit. I have had so much to blog about in the last few weeks but have not had the time to do so. I have to be in a certain mood to type whats going on in my brain. Its a lot. Its like a paint ball fight. Really. Lets see..At the beginning of the month I went to a strip club for my friends B-Day. It was a first for me. Well..first time being at a straight strip club. The women were very nice and they had great gaydar...yes..they were all over me.

In between the birthday girl screaming "Im a lesbian now!! wooo hooo!!!" and all of the perverted men in the audience, I realized I was having a great time. Strippers are awsome!!! I got the chance to chill with Andi Sue from Penthouse. She is officially (according to Penthouse..not me.) the sexiest Penthouse Pet ever. She took my glasses and rubbed in on her pussy...and put them back on my face. Im not gonna lie...my glasses smelled great afterwards...lol. She was very sweet and had a really small pussy...like unused. I think she gets off on being nekkid but doesnt have sex much. Then again what do I know? Im a fag.

On to other shit. I went thru a small phase of being broke last year and since then I have been a total fucking scrooge with my money. I finally have a little (very little) money to spend and yet I cant bring myself to buy anything new for myself. Ok...I got a pair of really nice Coach sneakers..but thats it. And they were cheap. PS I havent had new footwear since last summer. My clothes suck right about now...but I cant bring myself to buy anything new. Im afraid Im gonna get into fashion again and then lose my job and then I'll be that boy who has nice clothes but no home. Who wants that? I really have to work on not punishing myself. Money comes and goes....

On to more shit. Are you keeping up? Ok. Im still single. Im still not hapy about it. I have been going thru those tacky gay sites where u can meet people and possibly "hook up." I can't keep up with it. It's so wierd. I just can't get turned on anymore. I crave for one person only and I find that to be pointless right now. Yes I am talking about the X. Man I love him...but he treats me like shit now. Yes. We soeak often and exchange our love for each other almost daily...but there is still this HUGE gap in our communication. As usual he chooses to be blind except now that we are no longer official he REALLY drops the ball on A LOT of shit. Ever have that flakey friend who likes to make plans and then they don;t come thru? Thats him. ALL the time.

I figure he is just tired of me and doesn't know it yet..or he doesn't know how to communicate it to me. Either way it's chipping away at me and pretty soon I'll be in "I don't give a fuck mode." Which sux..cuz once I get there it's a done deal. I will not let "love" turn me into a fool again.

Whew!!!!

Vintage.

I was cleaning out my closet and came across a lot of shit I had forgotten about. I had no Idea I had written as much as I did. I must have over 100 pieces of poems and rants stacked in between 3 notebooks. Along with that were pictures that I thought I lost. That and my old clothes ranging from thug to raver. I miss my thug days but I cant do big clothes anymore. I have really changed throughout the years...I mean..lol..if you could read some of the shit I wrote! I was writing like a ghetto kid. Maybe I was...I dunno..maybe I still am..or not. Anyhoo..it was a blast going thru all of it. Here is a little something from a photo shoot I had when I was 21.


I wish I had the other photo's from that session. This guy and I got really fresh with each other and he was supposed to be "straight." He even had a girlfriend at the time. If you see him...tell him to holla!!! lol j/k

Catch Up

So my bday passed and as you can tell..i have been very busy. I celebrated my bday all weekend because I had a friend visit from out of town so we were out allll over the place. Also I now have 2 birthdays thanx to the people down at Social Security! My taxes wouldn't go thru because they kept saying my bday was wrong. Come to find out that it got switched in 1990 and they never switched it back. YET..they need for me to go to the SS office to change it because of Homeland Security. I find it odd that they can tell me that it was “changed” in 1990 but I have to go to them and change it. I was 11 years old in 1990. I obviously didn't change it. PS..I have been doing my taxes since 97! Makes no sense I tell ya.

Im still trying to get use to being single. I hate being single. I always have and never will like it. I am a relationship person and always have been. Im so not perfect but I try..I really do. I am extremely horny..but lonely too. So lonely..that I cannot even commit to a booty call. I just can't...it's much too soon. Trust and believe I have entertained the idea..but I keep thinking about him and how much I still love to have my way with him..and how his skin feels against mine. ::sigh:: Im still very much hurt.

I am very hopeful that someday we will get that second chance to do this again. Dating is hard and maybe we just need to see what its like so we can come back to each other with new respect and appreciation. Behind my hopefulness is a bit of reality. This may never work. We may never get back together. He...may find somebody better then me. And yes...I know that if that day ever comes I will be happy for him...but I may never talk to him again. At least if I feel the way I feel now. I love him with every ounce of my being. He will never and I mean never understand how much I love him. I don't even understand it sometimes.

Anyhoo..thats where my stinkin feelings are right about now. Other then that...I finally got hired at the damn temp job that I have been working at for the past year. I am making a considerable amount more AND I could be making even more by the summer. Niiice. Now I can catch up to my bills and finally be able to buy all the shit I didn't get for my bday.

The Day After

So my B Day is over but Im not thru celebrating. I really haven't begun. I am still a little under the weather so hopefully during the weekend I will get better and be able to enjoy the fact that I am a year older and still doing good. I know my blogs might have people beleiving otherwise..but honastly I am not down and out. I have had a rough few weeks...but I have had worse times and as a matter of fact...this time last year was a much harder time for me. So it's all good. As far as I am concerned this year is looking like it will be better then last year. I kinda lost myself these last 2 years.

Im not gonna say that it was due to my relationship because I had some great times and I learned a lot about myself. I now know that for my next relationship I will not tolerate certain things and I will also learn how to compromise better in certain areas. I would love to have another chance at making my prior relationship work. Its done now...but by my choice. Sometimes if you really love somebody..you just have to let go. Everything that is meant to be will come about one way or another. It bothers me yes...Im still in love with him. It bothers him too...we are very much still in love...but love is never enough. Relatiobships do not work on JUST love. It takes 2 whole people (and all of their shit!) to find a common ground in order to have a fair chance at having something that wil last. Its like a business. Trust me...it is.

Bla bla bla
Anyhoo...before any of that happens again..Im single and horny. lol
Watch out!!!

Happy Birthday To Me

I am officially not 26 anymore. Wierd. Birthdays seem to hit harder now that I am above 25. Anyhoo...I will make the best out of this 27th year of my life. What do I want for my B Day you ask? To be out of debt! lol

Dear Valentine.

I cry out these words so that I can let you read how I feel. Valentine, you have been so good to me and you have showed me how to handle a real relationship with care and respect. I watched you sacrifice a lot of yourself for me and I am aware of how selfish I have been with your kindness. Forgive me because I didn't know as much as you thought I did. All I knew was that I loved you and I wanted to keep you for myself. I suffocated you...I know I did..and I know that I hurt you...but I wanted you to stand up to me. I wanted you to show me that you loved me enough to put your foot down and make things right. Alas it didn't work. I have hardened you and suddenly I no longer have you.

Valentine...You have been the music in my soul that has sustained me thru many many hard times in my life. You have always been there to hold my hand thru any and every difficulty that came across my path and I thank you for being so brave. I am a lot to put up with and I know it had to have been damn near impossible to make it thru what I put out. "If I cryed a million times you must have died a million times from the pain." I am trying my best to not call you and tell you to come and lay in my arms. Your legs...I love your legs Valentine. I miss kissing them while you sleep...I miss your kiss before work and how Nina would lay inbetween us.

I will eventually hold onto "nothing"...but will forgive you for "everything."

I love you Valentine...I pray that if it is meant to be...we will continue "forever."


With all of my heart and soul...
Mikey

From Me To You

Im not sure if this has happened to many of you...but shit like this really happens. You ever have a friend that "likes" you more then your other friends do? If you have...let me tell you..that person is NOT your friend. That person is a nothing but an undercover predator waiting for the perfect oppurtunity to have thier way with you. Whether its just sex or an actual chance at a relationship these people will jump at the chance at being in a position bigger then the "friend" title.

These "friends" have their best interest in mind. Although they may be there to help you thru the rough times and will go out of their way to make sure you are out of harms way..they are doing it for themselves too. They think that by going the extra mile that you will eventually feel for them the way they feel for you. They will seldom ever try to have you think logically about any relationship problems you might have with somebody other then them. The possibility of them being un-biased is almost impossible. Why would they want you to be happy with somebody if isn't them?

This Blog is from Me To You...



Look behind your shoulder...

This Is Not A Poem.

Everyday I cry. It is a silent cry. Very non-intrusive to the people around me. My soul is bleeding the music that I have been blessed to hold for the past 2 years. I am trapped. Trapped by my own fears and emotions. Scared that every next step I take is going to be in the wrong direction. My worst fear of all is that I have been living a lie. A very Beautiful Lie. Speaking of which... I cant stop playing Melancholy Melodies by all of my favorite artists. Suddenly it becomes clear again that I have to take care of me and no matter how much somebody says they love me...actions overshadow words. Even though I have been let down by many promises of change, I have become that person that prays..i mean really prays...that change will come. During the prayers I see myself as this strong optimistic person..but when all is said and done I feel desperate.

I long for a love that reciprocates. I want that "you still drive me crazy after all these years" kind of love. I need that wild passionate kind of love that makes my heart drip like a candle. I want the kind of love that I can trust.......

Ex Factor

Sometimes in order to take a step forward it is necessary to take a step back to evaluate where you are now and where you should go next. I have this huge oppurtunity to change who I am.... The only thing holding me back is my insecure thoughts of my capabilities (or lack there of). I have been here before but this time is a more "grown up" feeling. Funny that at 26 I am having feelings I consider to be "grown."

Decent Monday

Today was quite a day. I started off my day with a new breakfast. Yup. No more Toaster Stroodles. As good as they taste..if I eat another one Im gonna hurl all over the place. I knew it was time for a new breakfast when I was slowly but surely throwing more of my Stroodle away every morning. I was practically heating it up to throw it away. I decided to go for a bagel, cream cheese and a diced up apple. It was very filling and felt good in my system. I was in a good mood after that.

When I got on the train this morning I saw a very familiar face but wasn't sure where I know him from. It was an old friend from back in the day that I havent seen in years. He called me over and we spoke for a bit. His teeth were dark. lol Sorry...I pay attention to shit like that. Anyhoo he was still a gorgeous boy (man now) and still just as trendy. Very attractive brown skin Cambodian with a very lean body. His hair was great too and he had on really nice glasses. A very sweet guy and always considerate. I was really wondering why we didnt keep contact. I felt like I had missed out on some great years we could have bonded thru.

You know when you see somebody you havent seen for awhile and when you see them they look great and are doing great you just kinda think like...man...can your good fortune rub off on me?? I had one of those moments. I asked him what he does now and he mumbled something about optometrist (man i chopped that spelling up)and an office. I was very impressed. As we talked some more I asked him where he worked and if he gave out prescritions or did eye exams. He said he takes the "patients orders" and sells them glasses. He then told me he worked at a store.

It almost looked like he didnt want to tell me that for some odd reason. It was strange for me..but I went a long with it anyways. We got off at the same stop and gave each other a hug and walked in completely different directions. As I walked up the stairs I turned around and saw him still walking, I realized at that moment why I didn't keep in contact with him anymore. He was a notorious liar. I really forgot. He was the type of liar that would just tell you some really bad ones. Ugh. Tacky lies. Lies about being invited to parties and shit...parties that didnt exist. Mess. I want to go to his store and tell him to grow up...but for what?

I decided today that Im going to look into photography. I have been doing it for many years and I love it. I just never put 2 and 2 together. So I am going to go for it and do research and hopefully find myself taking some classes. Im so sleepy.
I'll let my self pics do the talking....

Boys and Girls

So I have never had a shortage of friends of the female sex. Im gay and pretty...they love that shit. I have one real female friend. She know's who she is and Im pretty sure if she reads this she won't question it at all. As many girls out there that want to capitalize on my gayness to fuel their collection of friends, I don't care for it. Im not your typical gay that you see on TV or even at the clubs. Am I complaining? No. Those kinds of gays really exist and they exist in HUGE numbers, so it's ok if I am confused with them. However that I am not. I am not that good at picking out womens clothes nor am I hip to hanbags. Are handbags purses? I dont know.

Im pretty in my own way because it is natural. Its in the way that I carry myself. Trust me..I love to wear dirty jeans that smell like old skool denim. Not only do jeans look great when they are dirty but they fit so well. I like cheap t-shirts and my face is seldom shaved and my hair is big and crazy. So sorry ladies I am not that kind of gay. This becomes eveident when you bring me to a womens store. I cringe at ladies departments and especially nail salons. Ugh....so gross.

I preffer male friends. I don't have many if any at all actually. I have some acquaintances (did i spell that right? o well) out of state...hmm..maybe some I can speak to about what is going on in my life...but none that I can really say I keep in contact with that would really qualify as somebody I can count on. I don't understand how males (gay or straight) could preffer females friends over male friends. I have had many of both and as fem as I am I just can't fully relate to a woman. I don't watch sports nor do I like that thug shit..but I connect more with the male mentality.

In short I need more male friends and the one female friend I have I am completely satisfied with. I will welcome some female friends but they have to not want to use me as a fashion know it all because I get confused just dressing myself sometimes..and all I wear all t-shirts and jeans. So yeah...wanna be my friend?

So Far So Good

This has been a pretty good week. Other then my going off on the previous post I really don't have shit to talk about. Been getting to know some people I would like to actually be friends with. Im healthy, employed and getting focused on what I need to do to get thru obstacles that present themselves. Too many times have I told myself that I need to "do what I got to do" to get by. I can't think like that anymore. Who wants to just get by? I want to get thru. This is not Mary inspired..its just where I am at. Feel me?

Today Snowed.

This is me walking to work. My camera was drenched.

Little Something About Girl Groups in the 90's

Lets talk about girl groups. Wait...lets talk about the decade that gave us some of the best girl groups ever. Let us talk about girl groups in the 90's shall we? This was the decade that seemed to refine what we already had in the past. Beautiful voices, beautiful women and beautiful music were mixed in with all different types of fashion, rappers, social awareness and women who actually helped write and produce. What we had in the past for the most part were beautiful voices, great producers and music companys with money. We still have that...but the actual artist is now involved outside of the vocal booth now. Well...if they are smart.

We had Salt N' Pepa (although starting in the 80's) TLC, Xscape, SWV, En Vogue, Spice Girls and Destiny's Child all in one decade! Honorable mention going to 702...you have to see them live to know what Im talking about. Each of those groups were extremely important in more ways then just making music that we loved or hated.

The biggest and most important groups (in my opinion of course...) to come out of the 90's were: TLC, Spice Girls and Destiny's Child. I know what you're saying..."Spice Girls!!??" Yes...them. Don't let the media fool you (or the Knowles) the biggest selling female group of all time is the Spice Girls. With just 3 CD's they sold 45 million worldwide. That does not include 30 million singles sold. Put all that together and they have sold 75 million CD's. Plus they sold 7 million CD's worldwide in the first two week release of Spice World. They also wrote all of their music too...which is why they are all still filthy fucking rich.

TLC has sold 45 million CD's worldwide. With the release of Crazy Sexy Cool, they are one of the very few artist to have an album go diamond (10 million sold). I beleive that if Left Eye didn't pass away so soon that they would have sold way more. To support that I have to add that with only 2 videos released from Fan Mail (the last album they had with her alive), with their 3rd album, they sold 6 million CD's in the U.S. alone. I don't have the worldwide figures for that CD. TLC has released 4 Albums.

Destiny's Child sold 47 million CD's worldwide (although it might be advertised as 63 because Sony and the Knowels keeps adding Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle's solo CD's to the groups numbers) with 4 Albums and 1 Xmas album. This group spawned one of the biggest stars we have out right now: Beyonce. Yes they sold a lot as well and yes they made some good music and yes I own all of their CD's (besides the number ones....which only has like 4 real numer one songs) but to ME they are the group that reminded us that all it can take is ONE person and a bit of scandal to make a group blow up.

Out of those 3 groups I favor TLC the most. TLC had a little bit of everything in their group. 3 very different girls with completely different talents and sound that blended so well toghether and even pushed for social awareness and change. All 3 of these groups have one major thing in common. The loss of a member (3 for Destiny's Child). First off was the Spice Girls Gerri Haliwell AKA Ginger Spice. Honestly...even though they were still popular and still selling millions...they were not the same. This was evident when they came out with "Forever." It flopped in comparison to their first 2 CD's and the group really seemed to be missing something in their videos for that CD.

Second was Destiny's Child. They in total booted 3 members from the group and released 2 more succesful CD's with a new line up. I thought that was scary. The biggest selling group of all time had 5 members and losing ONE of them hurt them. How could a group with 4 members lose 3 members and gain one and only get better? Thats not a group to me...thats a business. A family business.

Third was TLC. This is the saddest situation of them all because one of the members actually passed away. When Left Eye died we all knew that TLC was done for. Why? Because it was a real group that depended on ALL of the members talents to exist. Sadly enough we were right. Their 4th CD did poorly in comparison to their previous albums and despite their reality show to locate a girl to help them release a new single and do a last(?) performance as a group, it was not enough...and it will never be enough.

We are not gonna have another 90's girl group era for a long time.


Spice Girls


Destiny's Child


TLC

Happy Belated Birthday..

..to Aaliyah Dana Haughton.
Born January 16, 1979.



She would have been 27 this year but instead she is timeless.

The song titles "One In A Million" and "More Then A Woman" couldn't describe her any better. It always takes an artist like Aaliyah to start a new sound for a genre of music. Never was she a huge star like Beyonce or Ashanti (yuck), but she helped change the sound of R&B before they came out. One In A Million marked the explosian of double beats in R&B music that had some radio DJ's scratching their heads with the fact that they had a hot track....but didn't know how to mix it in with the "other" music they had. Good music always prevails one way or another and tracks like "4 Page Letter," "Hot Like Fire" and of course "One In A Million" changed the direction of black music forever. How did this happen? This was the official unveiling of Timbaland and Missy's off the hook sound (that everybody wanted AFTERwards).

While first getting their feet wet with Jodeci, the duo created a different sound that landed in Aaliyah's lap. Had it been another R&B star this might not have happened. However she wanted a change from her first album and took a chance. That chance paid off and that album is a bonafide classic and must have for your R&B collection. She was on her way to being a big star but unfortunately she passed away and left many of us with feelings of "what could have happened next?" But for me what was supposed to happen already happened. Anybody can be a big star with the right gimmick or right talent at the right time....but can we all change something as big as music?

Thank you Aaliyah for taking a chance.

Back 2 Work

I have had 4 days off and it's going to be hard getting into that work spirit. Can't wait for the weekend already. Im looking forward to a regular week. Not looking for anything extra. Im trying to take a regular week and make it as productive as possible. I was supposed to have a friend from out of town visit but I think Im a little worn out with guest right now.

I had extended my home to other people and they took it for granted so I would rather not have anybody over right now. Just trying to make sure I don't make the same mistakes this year as I did last year. Not that this guest is guilty of any of that...but people change and Im not sure who I want to share my space with anymore. Bleh.

My BDay is coming up next month and I have started to make plans with a friend of mine in NY for the weekend following my Bday. Not sure how that will work because we seldom talk..but he's kool and it would be nice to do something different for a change. Anyhoo...I have to go to bed.

Today is Cold!

Its cold dammit! Even in my house my feet are cold! There is so nothing to do here anyways...its like a double dose of nothingness. Too cold to do anything yet aint shit to do. I am unhappy with the amount of time I spend in front of my PC. There just has to be something else to do with my time. Im just wasting my life away on MySpace and AOL.

The last 2 weeks I notice that a friend of mine that I (use) to call a lot seems to not pick up my calls as often nor does he seem to be enthused whenever we talk...unless we talk about him. I understand things are difficult in his life right now so I won't take it personal. Seems like he is on a changing mode and might be phasing people out.... I dont know. Its whatever. I want people to like me around and regardless of how close we are ..if Im not needed it's all good. Plus you ever just look at somebody one day and just not know who they are anymore? Im on social mode and we'll just have to catch up on a later date.

I have high standards for my friends which keeps me from hanging out with a lot of people. I will seperate my idea of friends and aquaintances because I need to be OUT.

When the weather permits...lol


O my..Im watching Next on MTV and this girl just nexted a guy for being vegan and he said "At least my shit don't stink..." to which she replied "Whatever..I have a bowl of chicken..." LOL Sorry I just had to add that.

Anyhoo back to being bored.



I was bored enough to tag myself...

New Things

Im going to try new things this year starting with Kickboxing. I was looking for regular boxing classes but Kickboxing classes are closer to where I live..lol. To be good at kickboxing one must be in good shape and be mentally focused. Its a great combo that Im wiling to try. Im gonna stop by the class tomorow to get more info. Im so excited I took these pics..lol.







Wanna fight?

Not a Pretender

Its too late in the game to feel sad. That is what I just said to myself...out of nowhere. I have been surrounded by many problems these past few weeks. My sister is going thru a very personal crisis and has called me sobbing over some really vile shit. I wont get into that. I have been havng my own problems with my significant other, and 2 of my good friends seem to be in the company of drugs lately. I am leaving a lot of details out but its really not worth mentioning. Everybody has their moment... good or bad.

I am going to enjoy myself regardless of what is going on around me. Im going to practice letting go of negative feelings because I have too much to do with "self" right now. I am developing these awful pains in my hands and forearms which is most likely carpal tunnel syndrome. It hurt to jerk off the other day!!! lol But what can I do? I have to get better. No other choice.

I love myself and I love my life. Am I happy? No. But im not miserable and I look forward to being happy...some day. lol Happiness is so what you make it. Im happy when I drink my 3 dollar protien shake and Im happy when I make the right decisions...like buying my 3 dollar protein drink. Everything really adds up and maybe I need to START looking at what is right with me. I am one difficut muthafucka...but I am loved and I love others who love me.

I know this is out of left field for me but so what. This is my moment and I want to share it. Aaoowww!!



My sister Ivette. See the resemblance?

People, Healthy Food and Music by Res.

Not available. Seems everybody is busy with their own stuff right now and I aint mad at it. I got some stuff to take care of too so its all good. It makes me see how isolated I am. All it takes is about 2 people to pause my socializing. That sux man. That’s too much power to give so few people but it’s the price you pay for not trusting people for getting burned by other people. I need a new strategy because this is still technically putting all my eggs in one basket. I have such a love hate relationship with people…its ridiculous. RIDICULOUS!! Lol I love screamin that shit..I think I got it from Harry Potter. Well that’s all im gonna say about that shit…cuz what else is there to say? I need more friends biatch! You love it.

My job has been abusive lately. Since its so f-ing busy they have taken our 1 hour breaks down to 30 minutes for the past 3 weeks and I have had to settle for Subway and Au Bon Pain becaue I don't have enough time to run to BK or the food court. Its like im on a fucking diet…Im so full of healthy shit I feel like Im gonna get sick. That healthy shit is the worse man..it’s so expensive and it doesn’t even fill me up. I have a headache just talking about it. Its prolly cuz I’m still hungry.

Im listening to a Res song. I feel like whoever writes her music just takes the emotions from my soul and turns it into beautiful words and melodies that speak to my heart. Im listening to "Miracles" from the Maid in Manhatan Soundtrack. If you don't know about Res I have a link to her MySpace page. It has new material on it that isnt released but you can always cop her first CD "How I Do." Its the kind of album that is an investment. It is part of the soundtrack of my life.........


The woman who turns my emotions into music: Res

Boston + Winter = Funeral

Thats right kiddies, Boston is like a big funeral all winter. Sexy aint it? This weekend was extremely long and I don't think I verbally spoke to anybody. Well not totally but I don't remember having more then 3 convo's all lasting 5 minutes or less. The usual suspects were pretty much out of reach this weekend and I made use of my room. I cleaned it, took a nap in it and watched TV too!

I have a lot of things to accomplish this year and on this 8th day I feel like I havent done anything. But it has only been 8 days! I started 2 things already: gym (physical fitness) and a small plan to get my credit (monetary fitness?) together. I am usually not trusting of other people unless they are in my very small circle. Recently I feel like my circle has been tainted and I just can' put my finger on it. So...Im just going to keep it moving. What else can I do?

Is it bad to not care for anybody anymore? Am I that damaged that when people are intentionally unavailable to me I find them to be disposable? Was I that lonely as a child that I have no imediate fear of cutting everything off? I ask myself these questions a lot because I wish I were not like this. I hate to admit this but I am not happy. I hate being unhappy at the begining of the year because it just really drags the winter. My B-day is coming up soon and since it looks like I am about to be newly single (insert sad face) I have to find something to cover up the humiliating and very hurtful Bday I had last year. Anyhoo....it is what it is right? Im use to all this...so don't worry I am not going to jump off a bridge. Im just going to get stronger and get all of this out of the way.

What else am I gonna do? I have to be a babe for the summer dammit! There's a lot of work to do..chop chop!

One of my resolutions was to meet people in different places and actually have friends to call. I think my phone only knows how to dial 3 numbers. Seriously my phone rang about 4 times this weekend and it was from 2 people. Just think...you might get the chance to have a moody muthafucka like me as a friend this year!! Aaaooow!

Back To The Grind

Today was the first time I have been to the gym in 2 months. 2 months is long in fitness time. I am so skinny right now its rediculous but dammit my stomach is niiiice. No six pack but its flat and that it has not been in a long time. There were a lot of cuties at the gym and I had to control my eyes from wandering. Seeing hot guys at the gym is different then seeing them on the street. When I see them at the gym it motivates me...and sometimes makes my mouth water..but what can I say...my mind is a whore. Seeing hot guys on the street just adds to the scenery.

So I have been on this quest for physical stability for quite some time now and my personal expectations change year to year. Sometimes I want to be thick, other times I want to be lean. I have been ok with being thin (which I usually loath) and have actually thought about just staying thin and developing a nice lean physique. I guess it would make more sense since I am naturally a skinny bastard but don't we always want to be what we're not supposed to be? Is it not motivating to be what you want to be as opposed to what you're supposed to be? Who wants to bow down destiny dammit?

So while I was changing in the locker room I saw this beautiful thug looking latin man with just "everything." When I say "everything" I mean the total physical package: Strong facial features (jawline, chin etc.) thick legs and bootage (he was in his draws) and everything else was juuuust right. I noticed all this in a bout 2 seconds of viewing...LOL. C'mon..being small and pretty at the gym can get u in trouble for peeking... so you best beleive Im a pro at seeing what I gotta see. ::wink wink::

Those 2 seconds and the extra time I spent peeking while watching him walk away, has inspired me to try to be thick again. lol Mess. I spent 21 to 23 being thick and I loved it. I am 26 (27 on feb 15th) now and I have gone from normal to thin since then. I like to wear more fitted clothes now so I guess it would make more sense to fill those clothes out. I used to look like quite the young thug at one point. It was cute on me...but Im changing and my clothes are changing with me.

So yeah...I am now on my quest to be thick again! woo hoo to bootage!!

Here are a few pics from the years when I was "thick." Being that Im wearing my clothes in these pics you will have to go by my arms and face. It was much more full back then...


Sexy man..yummz.

Im So Bored.

This is me. How fun do I look right now?


Exactly.

Brokeback Mountain

If you plan to see this movie do not read this. Im gonna spill it all out because I can't hold it in anymore! I saw this movie twice back to back. I saw it on Sunday and then on Monday. I went twice because the first time I saw it I was alone and I had to see it with somebody else the second day so that I could share the beauty of this masterpiece. Don't get me wrong, its not the best movie I have ever seen, but it is damn close to it. Its basically a story of 2 young cowboys who meet each other at a somewhat job interview for some sheep hearding job. Being that they are the only ones that show up they get the job and start it the very next morning. Their job is basically to watch the sheep on Brokeback Mountain so that predators don't kill them. They have to do this for the whole summer and in 1963 there were no sidekicks, ipods or gameboys so you can imagine how that shit could be. As time goes by and they get to know each other a bit more, they begin to have this best friend type of chemistry. I honestly beleive they were both gay the whole time, but Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) seemed to be dying to come out of his shell.

As a matter of fact if it wasnt for Jack this story never would have taken place. Enis Delmar (Heath Ledger) was one of them men that prolly would be curious till the day he died if there wasnt any intervention. One night after getting pissy drunk (what else would they do?) they end up sleeping next to each other and in the middle of the night the sparks unexpectedly went off. It was a dramatic sex scene...not too graphic...but it was enough. After that night they pretty much gave into temptation. Enis said that this a "one shot deal," and also said "I aint queer" meaning I aint no fag but I'll fuck you up the ass while there aint nobody else around. Sounds like a jail story huh? Anyhoo, by the time they leave Brokeback Mountain they have built quite a bond that niether of them would dare admit.

Four years later, both married with children, they end up meeting up again and start sneaking behind their wives backs so that they can relive what they had on the mountain. It was love. It really was..but Enis would not let it go further then their rendevouz because he didnt want to break up his family. Which ended up happeneing anyways because his wife knew the whole time. Their love affair went on for about 20 years. The last time they saw each other Jack let Enis know that he is pretty much at the end of his rope and that he misses Enis so much sometimes he doesnt know what to do with himself. My heart really went out to him because it just seemed like such a real situation in this gay lifestyle. All that seceret shit can really bring a man to his knees. They get into this arguement and I guess leave things the way they are.

Flash forward a few months and Jack is dead. Yes...Jack is dead and Enis has to live without him. If you ask me Jack was Enis's true love. I felt a lot of sorrow for Enis because he was a stubborn man that let life pass him by because he refused to change.

The acting was great. Heath Ledger was AWSOME to say the least. he made me believe it...trust. Jake was really good too...I fell in love with his eyes and pretty lips in this movie. Michelle Williams (Alma) as Enis's wife was perfect. I am mos def going to watch out for her. I absolutely love this movie. Finally a classy movie with gay men who love each other. This movie makes me wish it were a true story so that I could cry about it. LOL Go watch it...if anyting go see it for a beautiful love story.


Enis Del Mar and Jack "Nasty" Twist


Enis Del Mar and Alma

Holiday Weekend Semi Reflection Rant

This Holiday Weekend came and went without me leaving the house. This is the second Christmas (in a row) that I have not celebrated. This was not planned however it wasnt a let down either. Next Holiday Season (because I most likely will not do anything special for this New Years Eve) I will be much more pepared because I refuse to pass up on partying and being just a little drunk. I guess its a fitting end to a year that I intentionally sat out of. I decided last year that I would sacrifice my year so that I may be able to go on this small journey of self healing in a different country. Well I plan on being back this coming year...but of course in a different way.

I love New Years...its such an excuse to go 180 on everybody w/o having to explain yourself.

This is the first year in 4 years that I have not indulged myself in a pair of Dior shades. NOW...I am not a label person, but I have an eyewear obsession. Its a sad obsession because I cannot see w/o my regular glasses and I refuse to wear contacts. I pretty much wear my Diors a few times for minutes at a time and then put them away. I got my first pair in South Beach while on my way to my (then) boyfriends hotel to get the money he owed me and to formally let him know it was over. I thought it would be "fab" to show up and look like the sexy people on Ocean Drive with a huge pair of Christian Dior Motards (flashy aviators...very JLO circa '01).

On my way to his hotel I stopped by this Drugstore that seemed to have hired the country of Cuba(im not racist...just blunt). I needed some water because it was so damn hot (it was july) and I didnt want my mouth to be dry when I cussed my (then) boyfriend out. I took a swig of water and was on my way. A few blocks later I realized that I couldnt read any of the street signs w/o my regular glasses on. It was then that I realized that I had left my regular glasses in little Cuba's Drugstore. Im not going to get into how I managed to find my way back or how rude the staff was to me because they thought I was accusing them of stealing when all I was doing was asking them if they had a lost and found.

I didnt get my regular glasses back and I never made it to my (then) boyfriends hotel. But I had my Diors and it looked great with my tan.


Wasn't this blog random?


These are not Diors. I actually don't even own these.

Just Wanted To Share Some Skin

The background was my tacky bathroom so I photoshoped the shit out of it to make it look like a studio photograph. Im critical about good pics. My days in the darkroom did me good. Who wants to help me get back into shape this year?

Say What?

Ok so I work in the customer service dept for a student loan company and I talk to so many different people from around the world..litterally.
This job never fails to let me know just how not-smart people can be. Getting a loan thru us is really a simple process. Follow the directions. Its as simple as that. However these people have to call over everything and some of the things they say to me cause me to really wonder how they made it this far in life where they are really going to college. I can't even form sentences about it anymore...lol Here is a list of some of the things these fuckers say:


Promissory Note:

1. Promishinary Note
2. Pronomanasary Note
3. Promise Note
4. Prominary Note
5. Camasory Act (by far the BEST)

Disbursement Date:

1. Disembursement Date
2. Dimbursement Date
3. Dismember Date (also...the best)

Co-Borrower/Co-Signer

1. Co-Borrier
2. Co-Borrer
3. Co-Acting
4. Co-Maker (my fav..lol)

Credit

1. Credik
2. Credikt


You know what...I have so much more. Especially quotes. But Im not in the mood to write about this now. I got other shit on my mind..like the blog Im about to write after this.....maybe Kerri can help me!

Comments.

I changed the setting on my blogs so that people can comment and remain anonymous. I hope I do not regret this.


Oldie but Goodie.

King Kong

You know why this movie got such good reviews? Because the people who reviewed it get paid to sit around and watch movies. That shit was too fucking long. It could have ended right when they got off Skull Island and it would have been enough. But of course what would this remake have been like w/o that beast jumping up and down in NYC? The special effects were nice but it was used so much that it just started to look fake. I loved the stampede part and I fell out when King Kong whooped those dinosaur's asses because he was really knockin' them bitches like a drunk man at a bar who knows how to throw a GOOD punch. Im talkin' bout GOOD hits! Like one of them old man hits...the kind that knock you the fuck out hits. Yeah one of them.

After awhile I really thought the movie was Jurrasic Park with all them fucking dinosaurs running around and shit. Wait...the natives. They were such nasty awful people. It was like the people from the Matrix (not the people living IN the matrix [us?] but the people hiding from them machine things..aw hell..you know what I mean) were turned into black ass zombies. And I dont mean black people...I mean PAINTED black by dirt or some kind of shit. Yeah...prolly their own fecal matter. They just looked like they stank too. And they had this old lady too..she kept talkin all this nonsense in their native tongue. If I was that blonde girl I really would have told her to stop all that crazy talk. "You need to shut that shit down...Im white and I dont speak you." Yeah thats what I would have said. I mean hell..at that point in time they looked they was about to kill her...so what did she have to lose by talkin shit? They didnt speak english no damn way!

Anyhoo, it wasnt a bad movie it was just too fucking long. After awhile I felt sorry for King Kong because he was out of his element and he showed emotion towards that blonde ho. However it was either us or him so he had to go! The one person I wanted to be killed off was that fat fuckin director that got them in that mess to begin with. He would have sold his family up the river for some kind of directorial fame. And of course the black man got killed. Well don't just listen to me...go see that shit for yourself. I really wanted to see Brokeback Mountain but they were playing it in small places that were just too far away. Shit...I have porn at home.



Is that Jack Black? He shoulda died. Its not too late actually...

Black Girls

I hate black girls. They are truly the worse. Let me clarify something though....I don't hate black people or black females...I hate black GIRLS. Let me specify a little more...I dont hate black WOMEN..I hate black GIRLS. Them black girls are so judgemental. They always got something to say and they always think because you are pretty and gay that you are somehow no longer a man. I have always tried to disregard this because I grew up with black people and I have really good black friends so I didnt want to seem racist (but who isnt to some extent?). But I cant battle the fact that me and most of my friends have always had troubles with these ghetto black hoes on the streets.

Yesterday I was on the train and these two black girls with bad pony tails was acting so shady and loud. The train got really crowded because everybody gets on this particular line since it goes to the mall. Right before the train enters the station the girls get up and start giving rude "excuse me's!" to everybody in their way. Guess where I was standing..the door. Yes people...they were headed my way. I don't give a fuck if you're a girl or not...you better not push me. So these hoes stop right behind me and to my suprise nothing happened. They didnt throw shade or suck their teeth. But I still hated them. lol

LOL

And Still

..no fucking sex. We all reap what we sow.


I got some after this pic....which reminds me of sex.

Stringing Along

Now is the time for action. So why are some people just sitting on the sidelines trying to figure out whats going on? Its happening right in front of your eyes! Maybe Im too much or just plain spoiled because I beleive in imediate and long term remedies not cover ups. A very sad situation I am in however I will survive. Life goes on.


Currently listening to "Stringing Me Along"
from 702. Remember them? I love them!

Sex and Fashion

Great combo right? Apparantly not all the time. I am such a sexual person and I thrive on sharing mutual lust for somebody. I want to be wanted just as much as I want...for somebody else. Does that make sense? You know like Marvin Gaye: "I want you the right way, I want you, but I want you to want me too." See Im not asking for anybody to give me what I would not give back. I can be just as giving and appreciative as the next person so give me what I deserve man!

Tonight I will once again go to bed with nothing in return. I want so much and I show it and I prove it all the time. Im not being selfish. I often find myself just giving up now. At one point I would pretty much demand what I felt I deserved. I cant do that anymore. I will not do it anymore. I hate to say this but if things dont change there will be reperucussions. I like to think Im attractive. Other people think I am too...well when I was single I felt that way. Now I know I have let myself go a little bit but not by that much. Sex should not be this difficult.

Anyhoo on to fashion. I have ALWAYS been fashion forward. My mom used to design clothes and dressed me in Lacosse (among other lables I cannot afford as an adult) at a very early age so I grew up with a sense of style. As I got older I experimented with a lot of different looks and I was never afraid to be alternative or grungy. I have had very long hair and very short hair and I have rocked my styles right. Fades, blow outs, braids, cornrolls twists, and dyed. I havent done it all..but I have done enough with this hair of mine.

I have felt the most comfortable in loose fit clothing. Although I grew up with many influences I have always leaned to my hip hop roots. I spent a big part of my youth in LA during the 80's while my uncles were in gangs and breakdancing. Lord thank gawd I didn't get into that cholo style!!! Anyhoo this last year has been tough on me financially and my taste has been changing. Not to mention I have been losing and gaining weight so much that depending on when I bought my clothes it might not look the same a month after its purchase. So since I havent been able to shop as much or even remain the same size, my clothes do not match. Either my t shirts (because thats all I have been able to afford) either look too small for my jeans or vice versa.

Footwear has been a battle too. I have fallen into this Puma wrestling boot phase that now makes me sick to my stomach. I really loved them at one point and I always managed to get the most exotic and expensive pair out there. Even if they had to be imported. Now I hate them because I can't afford anything new. So Im stuck in this sort of prancing shoe mode. Don't that shit suck? Im ready for a new style. Or at least something constant. What really needs to happen is I need to stick to a healthy diet and stay one size long enough to not have to feel like Im too small or too big therefore ruining whatever clothes I have recently purchased.

I just wanna get my nice body back so I can walk around half nekkid. I mean when I had a really nice body it was covered in baggy clothes. Now that Im older and I get way less sex I want my body back so I can feel sexy ....since I dont get any of it. Damn this is a long blog! Well to sum it all up...lemme do some push ups and put on some feel good clothes and seduce myself to sleep (again).

I would like to thank this blog for letting type all of this shit up. lol

::muahzz::



Fur Anybody?

PG-20's

I do not sleep with kids.

First of all I am involved with somebody and I am not sleeping with any new people period regardless of age. However if I were single I would not sleep with kids. That is gross. If you want to sleep with kids fine..do it. That’s your prerogative and I can’t stop you..nor will I try. I have heard some rumors about myself for quite sometime now in regards to sleeping with young men. Boys basically..and its gotten to a point where stories are being made. Stories that even include my boyfriend and having him be this huge victim to my infidelity. He laughs at it…but I know it bothers him..and it sure bothers me.

Its one thing for people to get upset because you don’t entertain their advances, but its another thing to make up stories. Stories are disturbing. What kind of a person does that? Ok..call me a whore. Say that Im easy and I sleep around. Everybody has had that told about themselves one time or another. Whether it be true or not. But stories that give specific details of when and how things went down is fucking disturbing. Makes you want to fight really. Call me all types of names and judge me all you want..thats ok. Its called an opinion. Or ignorance..whatever. But do not make shit up about me…I do not appreciate that.

Character assassination anyone? Right. I am honestly concerned with my reputation. I usually don’t give a shit either because I don’t give a shit about anybody’s views. But I don’t do children…c’mon now. Why does the end of the year for me always have to be tight? Every year…it never fails.

So its Thursday

Im just here chiling and healing. Yeah Im healing! And what? I am nervous about coming home because I am not going to have that much time in between coming from here and going to work. Such a huge change in eveything. What they call cold here is perfect weather for us...maybe some of us would put on a very light jacket over a t-shirt...but i mean really..the weather is fucking nice!

I am dramatic. Drama follows me to different countries too. Im telling you...the internet is the devil.



San Jose Costa Rica.

Attention

Do I look stupid to you? I hope the answer is yes because you need an excuse.


Thanx.

Concerts

So this month I have been lucky enough to see Nikka Costa in a small and very intimate venue and the Harajuku Lovers Tour. First off let me say that Nikka was amazing. And I'm not saying that because the tickets were $12!! lol She really made me know it that night. Watching her was like watchin sex. She made passionate love to that whole performance and her voice....whoa. She really reminded me of a totally rocked out Chaka Khan. Her vocal control was flawless and her adlibs were excpetional. She is a must see. I brought my boyfriend and he was floored. He didn't know too much about her but he is now a big fan. And I am so proud of that. I love intorducing people to good music. Music is my life.

On to the Harajuku Lovers Tour. In case you are completely out of touch with pop culture, the Harajuku Lovers Tour is Gwen Stefani's first tour as a solo artist. Opening up for her was the Black Eyed Peas. They were so energetic and funky! They have excellent stage presence and I didnt feel like anybody was any less important then the next member. That is so important for a group. We don't need anymore Destinys Childs showing us that all we need is 1 and a half members to make a 4 or 3 member group.

My boyfriend and I were very close to the stage and we sat to the side of the stage so we saw everybody coming and going from the stage. Fergie's voice is also a person who has amazing vocal control. Talk about somebody who sounds exactly like they do on CD! She even did all of her falsettos....even after high notes. Big ups to BEP for sampling Guns N' Roses "Sweet Child of Mine," for the ending of "Don't Lie."

Ok now for Gwen. I expected her to be good..but I wasn't going to be suprised if she lip synced or sounded like shit. She is not a Nikka or a Fergie but she was great though. She really held her own up there and even sang 2 new songs. Her show was good but I think it will be better when she has more music of her own because she didnt touch any No Doubt songs. Im glad she didnt because it showed respect for her band. My hands are tired.....

I gotta get ready for the gym because I leave for Costa Rica on Monday and I wont be able to go to the gym for a few weeks. I wll miss you all.....I will try to Blogg before I leave..and possibly while Im there.


Nikka Costa